Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Week 4

I bet Chris Harrison made a nice bouquet for his wife with all the roses Bachelor Jake left on the table after tonight's episode. WTF? I know you don't want to lead anyone on, but don't you realize how boring it is for the Bachelor viewing audience when you only go out on dates with the girls you actually like? It's the awkward silences and kiss dodgings that keep us tuning in Monday after Monday. What is it with Bachelor's today, taking this show seriously? Bring back douche bag bachelors like Bob Guiney and Jesse Palmer. They would give roses to anything with a pulse.

Tonight started out like an episode of MTV’s “Road Rules” as the sister-wives packed up for a road trip in an RV along the California coast. The first stop on the pilgrimage of love was a camping trip to Santa Ynez. Gia was invited on that night’s one-on-one date and decided stilettos were the best footwear option for the campground’s rough terrain. She and Bachelor Jake played hide-and-see and spin the bottle on their first date, and she was offered the date rose. Yawn. If I ever make it on the show remind me to pack Candyland and to brush up on my hop-scotch skills.

Next stop for the rose-mobile was Pismo Beach for a group date of dunebugging and sand surfing. Other than Vienna and Jessie getting their dunebuggies stuck, the only reaction I have toward this date is a sudden interest in sand surfing. Unlike Tenley I won’t be wearing short-shorts if I get the chance to go. Girlfriend got sand in places she won’t know exists unless she makes it to the Fantasy Suite with Bachelor Jake.

After the sandbox playdate, Bachelor Jake meets the women for drinks at the Madonna Inn which looks like it was decorated by a Barbie doll. Ashleigh was the first to snag some alone time, and ouch my ears. Could you keep the pin dropping to a minimum, I can barely hear what she and Bachelor Jake aren’t saying to each other. He also spends some alone time with Tenley where she confesses that Bachelor Jake is the first person she’s kissed since her divorce. And they spend their entire alone time continuing to kiss since her divorce. Yours truly picked her to win the engagement ring since day one, so I wasn’t the least bit surprised that Tenley and her angel lips were offered the date rose.

The shaggin’ wagon then takes the clan to Big Sur for a night in the redwood forest. Bachelor Jake invites Country Ella and Kathryn on the dreaded two-on-one date. Throughout Bachelor history it’s typically the goal of one of the girls to do one of the following to other girl on the date: conversation dominating, one-upping, and getting the other girl drunk. Bachelor Jake hardly let the two-on-one shenanigans begin before he decided he couldn’t fathom spending the next 60 years with either of them and sent both girls home. As for the unclaimed date rose, he dramatically tossed it into the campfire like some crazed pryo-bachelor.

Tonight’s rose ceremony was almost painful to watch and it wasn’t just because of Jessie’s lime green eye-shadow. Bachelor Jake was down to three women and two roses when he suddenly asked to take a break to seek out the all-knowing Chris Harrison for advice. Bachelor Jake explained that he isn’t in love with two of the women left standing and with Poppa Harrison’s approval, one of the roses was taken away almost as if it never even existed. Vienna is offered the final rose of the evening while Jessie and Ashleigh make their tearful exits. So, let’s tally them up. You wasted two roses tonight, Bachelor Jake. Here’s to giving them all out next week. Don’t you know there are starving bachelorettes in the world that would have killed for those roses?

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Week 3

Last night’s episode of “The Bachelor” should’ve been sponsored by Kleenex and Prozac. These broads were total messes. Therefore, I would like to use this post as a public service announcement on behalf of un-crazy women everywhere. Not all chicks behave this way, just the ones trying to find husbands on reality TV dating shows.

Week three starts out with Vienna getting a one-on-one date invitation which throws the brothel farm into a panic of insecurity and cattiness. Michelle tells us how attractive she thinks she is, therefore how could Bachelor Jake even think of taking Vienna on a date without ordering her to wear a paper bag over her head. And Ali thinks it’s “so weird” that he’s going out on another one-on-one because their date was “so special.” Ali, you’re on “The Bachelor.” Everything is weird and nothing is special.

Bachelor Jake takes Vienna on a helicopter ride over the sprawling bachelorette mansion where she looks down on the haters and laughs and waves and tosses her hair extensions in retribution. But a mansion fly over wasn’t the main focus of the date. Which is a shame; I was hoping Vienna would get all Sarah Palin on their asses and shoot at them like moose from the helicopter. But that’s probably too romantic for a first date.

Instead, the chopper flies the couple to a bridge where they will bungee jump from a 120ft ledge. Both Bachelor Jake and Vienna are crazy afraid of heights, so after several minutes of cursing and coddling, they finally jump and this is when Bachelor Jake and Vienna share their first kiss. He describes it as “unlike any first kiss I’ve ever had in 31 years.” What? Bachelor Jake, you think kissing while dangling upside down by a bungee cord 70ft above a shallow creek is unusual? Ladies, he obviously isn’t very adventurous in the bedroom…

Back at the mansion the ladies receive a group date invitation to a comedy club. Michelle, of course, is ticked that she’s subjected to yet another group date. What does a crazy girl have to do to get a one-on-one around here? Maybe you should talk more about how your mother wants grandchildren, Michelle. Bachelors love it when you do that.

After bungee kissing off a bridge, Bachelor Jake and Vienna retire to the hot tub where Vienna shows off her classy hip tattoo and accepts the one-on-one date rose. Who knew Bachelor Jake was such a sucker for a woman with bubble gum colored finger nails, pink ice rings, and star-shaped necklaces? Vienna has such a refined taste in accessories. In other news, Chris Harrison’s 10 year old daughter has reported her jewelry box missing. Coincidence?

The next day Bachelor Jake takes the remaining sister-wives on a group date to John Lovitz’s Comedy Club. I guarantee John Lovitz hasn’t had a screaming welcome from girls this pretty since ever. He proceeds to inform them that they will each perform a stand-up routine. Oh the horror! Don’t the producers know these girls are really only good at dates where you just have to sexily eat strawberries and wear a bikini. How dare you make them talk out loud! Here is a quick break down of the women’s comedy hour. Ali tells a joke she must’ve found off a popsicle stick; Elizabeth thought this was Showtime and most of her set was bleeped out; Tenley did yoga; Corrie impersonated Vienna; and Michelle got a resounding applause of crickets. I hope the Cohen brothers were taking notes…

After the comedy club, Bachelor Jake takes the ladies to a rooftop lounge for fondue. Finally, a chance to do what they do best – eat strawberries. But, a lot more went down than sexy strawberry eating. First, Tenley opens up to Bachelor Jake about her divorce, Ashleigh confronts him on his idiotic decision of giving Vienna a rose, and last but not least there’s Michelle. After whining to her sister-wives about how she didn’t leave her family and her job so she could have “playtime,” she finally gets some alone time with Bachelor Jake.

Claiming she is the only girl on the show trying to find love, Michelle tells Bachelor Jake those four magic words every single guy in America hopes to hear: I WANT A HUSBAND. Those words must’ve sounded like the sweet symphony of a napalm blast in his ear, because after that Bachelor Jake asked her to leave. No Rozzzlyn-esque funny business needed here, he flat out kicked her skinny jeans to the curb for being a crazy mess.

Country Ella is the next sister-wife to get a one-on-one date. (I’m sure that would make Michelle roll over in her straight jacket.) Bachelor Jake takes Ella to Sea World to see Shamu, and if that isn’t grand enough, he has also arranged for her son Ethan to surprise her. After a heartfelt mother-son-reunion, the trio swims with the dolphins and Country Ella accepts the date rose.

The night’s episode concludes with Valishia the Homemaker (am I the only one who’s just now noticing that she was on the show?) and Elizabeth making tearful farewells. Personally, I’m pumped for next week. Did anyone else see the clip where Bachelor Jake tosses a rose into the fire? That’s the stuff that keeps me going, folks…

Week 2

What a loaded episode – I hardly know where to begin. A sex scandal breaks out, Chris Harrison almost cries, “Wings of Love” is finally played and we see Bachelor Jake in his swim trunks for the first time this season. Bachelor Week 2 you did not disappoint.

Last night’s episode started out with a photo shoot for NStyle Magazine. Way to make the three girls that aren’t professional models feel like Ugly Betty, ABC. Rozlyn (having a ‘z’ in her name just makes her seem scandalous!) has been modeling for 10 years and Gia is a “fitness model.” I’m not really sure how one becomes a “fitness model” or what exactly a “fitness model” models, but it got a big thumbs down from our resident expert, Rozlyn. And she should know, she “usually models wedding gowns.” Of course Rozzzzlyn was first at bat and I had to laugh when the photographer told her to put her legs a little closer together. Twenty bucks says that’s the first time she’s ever been told to do that. Zing!

Non-Model Christina from San Diego was “literally freaking out” about the photo-shoot and with good reason. What was the deal with that that flock of seagulls hairdo they gave her? No wonder she gets hammered later on in the date and hums the theme to “Twilight Zone.” Thankfully Bachelor Jake comes to her rescue, takes her in his beefy pilot arms and makes all the scariness of being a contestant on a reality dating show go away.

After the photo shoot Bachelor Jake and his harem head out for a night of hot-tubbing. (So original, ABC.) The best part about hot tub groups dates is guessing which chick is the first to bust out in her bikini. I would’ve put my money on Rozzzlyn. She looks like the kind of girl that would never miss a chance to flaunt around in a two-piece, especially on national television. But to my surprise it was Ashleigh the Account Manager from Maryland. And lucky for her! She was also the first to see Bachelor Jake with his shirt off. Who knew flying a plane could give one such abs of steel!

Meanwhile at the brothel farm, the ladies receive the first one-on-one date invitation. The note alluded to flying somewhere with Bachelor Jake, on the wings of love no doubt, and was accompanied by a diamond necklace which unleashed collective screams of intolerable octaves. Michelle the Office Manager from California nearly has an asthma attack over the necklace, and with the logic of a reality TV dating show contestant, thinks that if she’s the first one to put on the necklace she’ll get the one-on-one date. I sure hope if that was truly the case, Bachelor Jake had access to a surveillance camera or received smoke signals from the show’s producer to abort the plan immediately.

Back at the hot tub party, sneaky Rozzzzlyn steals Bachelor Jake away from the other bikinis for some one-on-one time. She wraps herself and Bachelor Jake up in a Snuggie, sexily bites her lip and whines about having to be the first at the photo shoot and then violently grabs his face in a maneuver typically reserved for zoo handlers. One can only assume they were kissing. The hot tub group date comes to a close with Christina wiping tears from her eyes and with Rozzzzlyn accepting the group date rose and telling us, “Now that I’m not going home, my strategy is to just be myself.” Wow, Rozzzlyn I hope those words were tasty! And if anyone can tell me what the hell Christina’s wrist tattoo says, you will also get a rose.

We finally find out that Ali from Pennsylvania gets the coveted first one-on-one date and she also gets the diamond necklace. Bachelor Jake whisks Ali away on a motorcycle and then flies her around in an airplane, which she is deathly afraid of. Not to worry Ali, like the sexy pilot that he is, Bachelor Jake checks all of the plane’s nooks and crannies for leaks, holes, and terrorists all while flexing his biceps. Something tells me this is one flight where a full body scan would have no objectors. As Pilot Bachelor Jake and Ali ascend to the clouds “On the Wings of Love” FINALLY begins to play. In related news, Jeffery Osborne finishes his bottle whiskey and searches for a gun.

After a boring group date to an amusement park, we were finally let in on the MOST SHOCKING SCANDAL IN BACHELOR HISTORY. During the cock-tail party Chris Harrison pulls Rozzzzlyn aside and confronts her about the inappropriate relationship she’s been having with one of the show’s producers. Nothing gets by Poppa Harrison, biotch! I think he deserves an Emmy or at least a rose for his performance on last night’s episode. My favorite part of the whole calamity though, was when Rozzzlyn nearly twists her ankle while trying to sexily yet hurriedly pack her suitcase. The good news is there is one less model Christina has to compete against.

Week 1

Wow. Season 14 of "The Bachelor." How time has flown since we were first introduced to the only show in television history to co-star a hot tub. Well, Bachelor Season is here again and how I've missed the tears, the drama, and that sparkling silver platter of roses that have come to define my Monday nights.

This season ABC reached into the Tupperware container of "Bachelorette" leftovers and heated up Jake Pavelka, a commercial airline pilot from Texas. Labeled as "The Nice Guy" on last season's "Bachelorette," Jake is out to prove that nice guys become the bachelor who gets to choose his future wife from a hot tub of boobs on national television.

Since Bachelor Jake is a pilot, ABC creatively named this season “On the Wings of Love” which of course opened the door for all sorts of sexual innuendos. Here is a smattering of my favorites thus far.

“I would love to be a passenger in your plane.” – Michelle from California after pretending to fly around like an airplane but before she spent the rest of the evening in tears

“We make the perfect pair of aviators.” – Shelia from California as she hands Bachelor
Jake a pair aviator sunglasses

“Your stewardess has arrived!” - Ashley from Pennsylvania prancing around in a stewardess costume. (Don’t forget she’s just two classes away from earning her Ph.D. and then she’ll be a professor!)

And my personal favorite:

“You can land your plane on my landing strip anytime.” – Said her native Cambodian tongue, Naughty Channy also from California

You California girls and your witty senses of humor! All the hometown girl from Lafollette, TN could think up was the ‘ol stain on your tie trick. Its ok Country Ella, he loved your accent…

After Bachelor Jake met his bevy of beauties he retired to the mansion for the cocktail party or as I like to call it, the talent competition. This is where the bachelorettes vie for The Bachelor’s attention and anything to catch his eye is fair game. Past seasons have included gymnastic routines, spontaneous opera performances, magic tricks, joke telling and a very memorable rendition of “The Star Spangled Banner.” This season, however was a let down. I was hoping for at least a kazoo performance but all I got was Elizabeth from Nebraska throwing the pigskin and organizing a game of touch football. And then Stephanie from Illinois taught Bachelor Jake to two-step which really doesn’t make since for someone from Chicago. How I miss the bygone seasons of drunk yodeling and impromptu cheerleading. And Bachelor Jake, you kind of do throw like a girl.

Mid-way through the cocktail party two top-secret guests arrive at the mansion – Bachelorette Jillian and Ed, OMG! Part of me seriously worried that Bachelor Jake was going to still try and give Jillian a rose, but alas she was just there for moral support and to dance with some of the contestants. Meanwhile, Ed polled the girls on whether or not they liked men in short shorts and further pushed back his and Jillian’s wedding date.

The coveted first impression rose went to Tenley Like the Number 10 from Oregon. I think she’s a frontrunner and I’m usually right on when it comes to picking winners on “The Bachelor.” If there were only a spread for such a thing in Vegas…

Bachelor Jake had to let 10 ladies go on this inaugural episode and like every episode in 14 seasons of Bachelor history there were some teary goodbyes. Though none could compete with the “He can’t let me go. My eggs are rotting…” comment from a few seasons back, I did love Emily from Ohio’s dramatic shunning of the camera as she turned her head and cried into her side pony.

And so season 14 of “The Bachelor” has lift-off. Godspeed, Bachelor Jake and I hope you make that connecting flight on the wings of love.

Welcome!

These are my recaps of ABC's "The Bachelor", enjoy!