Wednesday, July 13, 2011

"He feels like a boyfriend!"

This year marks the centennial celebration of the founding of Taiwan. And to help celebrate this milestone, ABC sent The Bachelorette for a week of dating and skinny jean-wearing. Taiwan, what ever happened in the past 100 years that led up to this, I hope you learned your lesson and use the next 100 more wisely. We aren’t afraid to send you Charlie Sheen. Or Michele Bauchmann.

Constantine, a Josh Groban look alike, was the first bachelor to land a one-on-one date in Taiwan and Ashley took him on a train ride to a small village outside of Taipei called Ping-Shi. Ping-Shi hosts an annual lantern festival, so Ashley and Constantine wasted no time immersing themselves in the local culture and constructed a lantern. Traditionally, one would write wishes on the sides of the lantern, but because this is “The Bachelorette” and it’s required by law to have one gag-inducing moment per episode, Ashley thought it would be cute if they each wrote “love wishes” on the sides of their lantern. So, with words like “everlasting”, “family”, and “happiness,” their lantern was ready to be launched. But before they released their love wishes into the air, Ashley treated Constantine to a candlelit dinner and asked him about his family and the possibilities of a hometown date to Atlanta. Ashley tells him that she’s very attracted to him and loves that he’s a family man. Constantine thinks she’s a very genuine woman and hopes she’ll make the trek down south to meet all his sisters. Once the sun has set on their date, it’s time to light their lantern. The two stand draped in each others arms and gaze up into the air as their love wish lantern gently drifts towards the heavens. While they share their first kiss, the love wish lantern loses steam and ends up deflated in some puddle on the bad side of town. Wait, that’s what happened to me Saturday night. Nevermind. I’m sure their love lantern is resting on a puffy cloud and not hung-over reeking of vodka drinks and bad decisions.

The next day Ben, the other Josh Groban look alike, received the second one-on-one of the week. For this date Ashley planned a moped ride around the city then a romantic poolside dinner. Over dinner we learn that Ben has fallen for Ashley and feels very confident that he’ll be taking her home to Sonoma and introducing The Bachelorette to his family. Ashley tells Ben that of all the guys remaining, he’s the one that feels most like her boyfriend. He’s also the one that looks most like Josh Groban. Then the two spent the rest of the evening just lovingly gazing at one another, kind of like how your boyfriends looks at his iPhone. That is love.

Next up was the group date and what a miserable one it appeared to be. Ashley took Lucas, Ames, and JP on a wedding photo shoot. Apparently this particular episode of “The Bachelorette” was allowed two gag-inducing moments. Lucas had to dress in traditional Taiwanese wedding wear and pose with Ashley in a traditional Taiwanese wedding dress. JP lucked out and got a regular tuxedo and posed with Ashley while she donned a modern-day wedding gown. And I’m not really sure what the theme was for Ames’ photo shoot. He had to wear a powder blue tuxedo with a feathery pocket square while Ashley wore what looked to be a fairy costume. Needless to say, none of the guys enjoyed it and I was tempted to turn to “Swamp People.” And I have never been tempted to change to channel during “The Bachelor.” Not even the season with Byron Velvick. Go ahead, Google him.

The final one-on-one of the week went to Ryan, who has yet to have a one-on-one. Ashley meets Ryan for a picnic by a koi pond. Ashley confesses to us that she hasn’t felt romantic feelings for him but hopes this date will change that. As soon as they sit down to eat, Ryan talks about his job as a solar engineer and asks Ashley what she does to help the environment. When she can’t come up with an answer, Ryan launches into a diatribe on the wastefulness of water heaters. Ashley interrupts and tells him that she doesn’t see him in the romantic way she sees the other guys and decides to send him home before the evening’s rose ceremony. Ryan, I hope you haven’t gotten rid of your water heater yet, looks like it may be the only thing keeping you warm at night…

Later that evening at the rose ceremony Ashley tells Chris Harrison that she wants to skip the cocktail party because she has her mind made up on who she is sending home. Next week it looks like we’ll get to meet the families of Constantine, Ben, and Ames. With much regret we had to say goodbye to Lucas. He was one of my favorites, which of course means he’s way too good for her and should clearly date me instead.

Next week is Hometown Date Week! Next to March Madness, celebrating anyone’s 21st birthday, and Fourth of July, Hometown Date Week is my favorite time of the year!