My Bachelor Blog

"He feels like a boyfriend!"

2011-07-13T01:39:00.002-04:00

This year marks the centennial celebration of the founding of Taiwan. And to help celebrate this milestone, ABC sent The Bachelorette for a week of dating and skinny jean-wearing. Taiwan, what ever happened in the past 100 years that led up to this, I hope you learned your lesson and use the next 100 more wisely. We aren’t afraid to send you Charlie Sheen. Or Michele Bauchmann.

Constantine, a Josh Groban look alike, was the first bachelor to land a one-on-one date in Taiwan and Ashley took him on a train ride to a small village outside of Taipei called Ping-Shi. Ping-Shi hosts an annual lantern festival, so Ashley and Constantine wasted no time immersing themselves in the local culture and constructed a lantern. Traditionally, one would write wishes on the sides of the lantern, but because this is “The Bachelorette” and it’s required by law to have one gag-inducing moment per episode, Ashley thought it would be cute if they each wrote “love wishes” on the sides of their lantern. So, with words like “everlasting”, “family”, and “happiness,” their lantern was ready to be launched. But before they released their love wishes into the air, Ashley treated Constantine to a candlelit dinner and asked him about his family and the possibilities of a hometown date to Atlanta. Ashley tells him that she’s very attracted to him and loves that he’s a family man. Constantine thinks she’s a very genuine woman and hopes she’ll make the trek down south to meet all his sisters. Once the sun has set on their date, it’s time to light their lantern. The two stand draped in each others arms and gaze up into the air as their love wish lantern gently drifts towards the heavens. While they share their first kiss, the love wish lantern loses steam and ends up deflated in some puddle on the bad side of town. Wait, that’s what happened to me Saturday night. Nevermind. I’m sure their love lantern is resting on a puffy cloud and not hung-over reeking of vodka drinks and bad decisions.

The next day Ben, the other Josh Groban look alike, received the second one-on-one of the week. For this date Ashley planned a moped ride around the city then a romantic poolside dinner. Over dinner we learn that Ben has fallen for Ashley and feels very confident that he’ll be taking her home to Sonoma and introducing The Bachelorette to his family. Ashley tells Ben that of all the guys remaining, he’s the one that feels most like her boyfriend. He’s also the one that looks most like Josh Groban. Then the two spent the rest of the evening just lovingly gazing at one another, kind of like how your boyfriends looks at his iPhone. That is love.

Next up was the group date and what a miserable one it appeared to be. Ashley took Lucas, Ames, and JP on a wedding photo shoot. Apparently this particular episode of “The Bachelorette” was allowed two gag-inducing moments. Lucas had to dress in traditional Taiwanese wedding wear and pose with Ashley in a traditional Taiwanese wedding dress. JP lucked out and got a regular tuxedo and posed with Ashley while she donned a modern-day wedding gown. And I’m not really sure what the theme was for Ames’ photo shoot. He had to wear a powder blue tuxedo with a feathery pocket square while Ashley wore what looked to be a fairy costume. Needless to say, none of the guys enjoyed it and I was tempted to turn to “Swamp People.” And I have never been tempted to change to channel during “The Bachelor.” Not even the season with Byron Velvick. Go ahead, Google him.

The final one-on-one of the week went to Ryan, who has yet to have a one-on-one. Ashley meets Ryan for a picnic by a koi pond. Ashley confesses to us that she hasn’t felt romantic feelings for him but hopes this date will change that. As soon as they sit down to eat, Ryan talks about his job as a solar engineer and asks Ashley what she does to help the environment. When she can’t come up with an answer, Ryan launches into a diatribe on the wastefulness of water heaters. Ashley interrupts and tells him that she doesn’t see him in the romantic way she sees the other guys and decides to send him home before the evening’s rose ceremony. Ryan, I hope you haven’t gotten rid of your water heater yet, looks like it may be the only thing keeping you warm at night…

Later that evening at the rose ceremony Ashley tells Chris Harrison that she wants to skip the cocktail party because she has her mind made up on who she is sending home. Next week it looks like we’ll get to meet the families of Constantine, Ben, and Ames. With much regret we had to say goodbye to Lucas. He was one of my favorites, which of course means he’s way too good for her and should clearly date me instead.

Next week is Hometown Date Week! Next to March Madness, celebrating anyone’s 21st birthday, and Fourth of July, Hometown Date Week is my favorite time of the year!

Week 6 - "I can't believe I wasted so much time on Bentley"

2011-06-27T23:31:00.003-04:00

You know it’s going to be a good night of television when an episode of “The Bachelorette” starts out with a knock on the door from Chris Harrison. A knock on Ashley’s hotel suite in Hong Kong during week five, a crucial time of the season, can only mean one of three things:

1. Poppa Harrison is stopping by to make sure she read the portion he highlighted in “He’s Just not That Into You”
2. He’s informing Ashley that Bentley has made a surprise return
3. Or he’s hand delivering the Double Stuffed Oreos and bottle of Skinny Girl Margarita Ashley requested. Or maybe that’s what I requested. Sometimes I get us mixed up…

If you guessed door number two, you are correct! Poppa Harrison pops in and bears the good news that Bentley agreed to fly out to Hong Kong for a chit-chat with our Bachelorette. Upon hearing that, Ashley bounds out the door and down the hall to room number 4315. (Note to self: Should I ever find myself staying in the Conrad Hotel in Hong Kong, remind me to specifically ask for any room other than 4315. Something tells me not even professional strength laundry detergent could get those sheets clean enough after a visit from Bentley.) I knew this wasn’t going to go well for Ashley when she had to knock on the door twice and on the third try you hear Bentley asking, “Who is it?” Once he finally decides to let her in, they have a seat and Ashley asks what he meant by leaving things between them with a “dot, dot, dot” instead of a “period”. He tells her she’s welcome to come out to Salt Lake City if it doesn’t work out with any of the guys on the show. But that isn’t the closure Ashley’s looking for. She flat out asks Bentley if he wants to put a “period” at the end. Surprise, surprise! He tells her that they should put a “period” at the end and hurries her out the door before the hookers and blow show up. Something tells me this wasn’t the first time Bentley was hoping for a period…

After that fiasco, Ashley has a one-on-one date with Lucas. She takes the sweet southern, Texan to downtown Hong Kong for a lightshow then a dinner cruise along the harbor. While dinner cruising, Lucas tells Ashley about his ex-wife and how devastating it was to realize their relationship wasn’t meant to be. Then he looks her in the eye and tells her, “But I feel very strongly that God has a plan for me.” Ashley tells him how genuine he is and decides to give him the date rose. God bless Texas!

The next day Ashley takes the two Josh Grobans, Ames, Mickey, Ryan and Blake on a dragon boat racing group date. She divides the guys into three teams then sends out onto the streets of Hong Kong to recruit other teammates. One of “The Bachelor” producers must’ve gotten sick this week and a producer from “The Amazing Race” was filling in. Despite language barriers and just plain awkwardness of the situation, all of the guys were able to round up enough rowers for the race. Beefcakes Ivey League Ames and Mickey win the race. No surprise there; I think most Ivey Leaguers come out of the womb already a crew member.

That evening at the after-race cocktail party, Ames sweeps Ashley up and away to the rooftop of the hotel for some alone time. After a make-out in the elevator, they gaze out at the Hong Kong skyline and into each other’s eyes. Next she talks with one of the Josh Grobans and he tells her, “I didn’t feel ready in the beginning, but I feel ready now.” But it’s Ryan who gets the date rose after they talk about the possibility of a hometown date and meeting each other’s families.

JP is next at bat for a one-on-one date. Ashley takes him to dinner at Zodiac Park where they drink red wine and talk about the future. Just when JP is getting smooth and ready to make a move, Ashley tells him about her visit with Bentley. She explains that she’s needed closure from him and now that she’s gotten it, she is ready to move on. A little shocked, JP appreciates her honestly and never wants her to be nervous to tell him anything. And that attitude earned him the date rose.

But the attitudes toward Bentley’s return at the next night’s rose ceremony weren’t all as calm as JP’s. Blake feels like he’s been played, the Josh Grobans wonder what she sees in them if Bentley is her type, and Mickey calls her a “liar” and decides to go home. After a tearful chat with Poppa Harrison, Ashley summons the courage to hand out the rest of the episode’s roses. Returning next week we have Ryan, Lucas, JP, both Josh Grobans, and Ames.

Usually I have a sixth sense when it comes to picking who will win the engagement ring on “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette.” But the season, I haven’t a clue. If I were Ashley, I’d be swooning over Lucas or Ames. But, she clearly has a thing for the Josh Grobans…so, right now my rose is on Ben F. Tune in next week for a trip to Tiawan and another surprise visit from a cast-off cutie!

Week 5 - "Lets have a mental kiss."

2011-06-21T00:37:00.000-04:00

This week’s episode really packed a punch. There was a boxing match, an ambulance scene, lots of shirtless hunks, and the dreaded two-on-one date. There was also lots of whining about Bentley. One would think the shirtless hunk bit would nip the Bentley bit in the bud…

The Bachelorette’s glob-trotting continues as she takes the guys to Chaing Mai, a city in northern Thailand. We get started with a one-on-one date with Josh Groban #2, Ben F. Ashley and Ben take a rickshaw into downtown Chaing Mai to explore the marketplace. Ashley felt a strong connection last week with Ben at the Thai orphanage and hopes sparks will fly on their one-on-one. After their trip to the market, Ashley and Ben cuddle on a bench in front of one of Chaing Mai’s 300 Buddhist temples. Because the temple is built on sacred ground, they aren’t allowed to kiss in its presence. Trying to fight the urge of forbidden passion, Ben and Ashley close their eyes and settle for a “mental kiss.” Let’s all take a moment and remember where we all were when we had our first mental kiss. I hope yours was as special as mine...

After their mental make-out, Ashley treats Ben F. to a romantic dinner where they dine surrounded by flowers, candles, and band of fire-eaters. Over dinner Ben tells Ashley about the death of his father and how he’s spent the past four years being very guarded. But over the past year he’s made positive changes in life and finally feels ready to be in true love. Liking what she’s hears, Ashley moves in for a real kiss and offers him the date rose.

The next day is the group date where Ashley takes eight of guys to train for a Muay Thai boxing match. The guys train for three hours which meant lots of sweaty, shirtless hunk footage. I envy the cutting room floor! After they train, the guys change into silky boxing shorts and lace up their gloves, because It. Is. On.

Lucas, who tells us that he doesn’t know anything about Muay Thai but has been in several street fights, takes on Blake the Dentist. Proving that cavities aren’t the only thing this dentist can fight, Blake wins the fight against Lucas with a jab to the rib. JP, who “frickin’ hates being on group dates, takes on Mickey and walks away unscathed and victorious. Ames takes on Ryan and takes a few too many blows to the head and ends up being rushed to the hospital with a mild concussion. I hope none of that Ivey League education fell out of that noggin of his. And the final match is between the heavy weights, Nick and Josh Groban #1, Constantine. As it turns out, Constantine’s Muay Thai boxing was as good as Josh Groban’s voice and he wins the last fight of the date.

After the boxing match, the guys unfortunately put their shirts back on, clean up, and meet Ashley for a mixer. Ryan P. is the first to steal some alone time and braggingly shows Ashley all the bruises he received from the day’s fight. Mickey, in horrid detail, describes to Ashley how painful the punches were, and Ames, who’s recently been discharged from the hospital, apologizes for being quiet because he’s still feeling dizzy. Great date choice, Ashley! Your bachelors are all bruised up and dizzy. What’s wrong with bowling and then sharing a waffle bowl at TCBY?

Ashley did have a nice chat with Blake and found out he was feeling very insecure of where he stood with her. She tells him she feels good about where they are and for him not to worry. And as an act of reassurance, offers him the date rose.

And if this episode wasn’t vicious enough, next up we have the two-on-one date with William and Ben C. With the exception of Fox News, the two-on-one date has to be the most painful event on national television. And like Fox News, it’s neither fair nor balanced. Ashley takes the guys for a ride on a wooden raft through the Thai jungle and then for a picnic by the water’s edge. William pulls Ashley aside for alone time and discloses that he’s overheard Ben tell the guys in the house that he’s ready to “Go home and go back to online dating.” With ammunition like that, Ashley pulls Ben aside to confront and ultimately send him home. So, William essentially ends up with a one-on-one. Fair? Balanced?

Over dinner Ashley hopes to rekindle the flame she and William shared on their first date in Las Vegas. But that flame starts to flicker when William tells her that he’s just a 30 year old boy and wants to find someone to be silly with. Ashley pulls out the proverbial fire extinguisher and tells him she doesn’t feel the same as she did in Vegas. So, William boards the reject limo feeling like a “jacka$$.”

Ashley kicks off the night’s rose ceremony with a speech to guys about being true to themselves and their feelings. What was behind her mild diatribe you ask? If you guessed Bentley you are correct! Ashley tells us that she “fears what happened with Bentley could happen again” and still feels she needs closure with him before she can move on with the other guys that want to date her and didn’t leave the show. She even gives Poppa Harrison a whiney earful about how much she still thinks about Bentley and wishes she could just ask him a few questions. Chris Harrison of course dusted off his copy of “He’s Just Not That Into You” and instructed her to read the highlighted passages.

Ashley shuts up about Bentley long enough to give out roses. Returning next week we have Ben F., Blake, Constantine, Lucas, JP, Ames, Mickey, and Ryan. And from the looks are next week’s preview we also have Bentley returning. It just got interesting.

Week 4 - "But I'm still thinking about Bentley."

2011-06-14T00:04:00.002-04:00

If I had taken a shot of whiskey everytime Ashley said "I keep thinking about Bentley" I'd have more typos in this blog than usual. I know she isn't aware of what an a$$hole Bentley is, but there are clearly, for some reason, good eggs clamoring for her attention that are still willing to be in the game. Allow me to name a few; William with those blue eyes and dimples, Mickey - all tall, dark and handsome, and after this week's episode I'm even a fan of Ivey League Ames and Josh Groban #1 (Constantine). All Bentley had going for him was a good head of hair...

This week Ashley whisked the guys away for a week in Thailand. Remind me to pack an umbrella if I ever find myself in Thailand during monsoon season. It's a good thing I wasn't the Bachelorette this season; I have awful rain hair. In fact my hair looks bad in any type of inclimate weather or on any body of water. I have bad ocean hair, lake hair, pool hair. I'm sure if I were out to sea I'd have bad sea hair or pond hair. I'm pretty sure it would even look bad in a creek or puddle. So, yeah, good thing I wasn't the Bachelorette this season...

Ashley's first one-on-one date in Thailand was with Josh Groban #1, Constantine. She had planned for a boat ride to a private island but because of the rainstorm, the boat trip was cancelled. Ashley looked absolutely panic-stricken at the thought of having to plan her own date. Without a Dave & Buster's or a Chili's nearby, whatever will they do? Constantine steps up and suggests they go into downtown Phuket and walk around the open air markets. And that's when I started to like Constantine. Throughout their date it almost seemed like Constantine was the Bachelor and Ashley was the one hoping to recieve a rose. He chatted up the local Phuketians, suggested they grab some Thai beers, and asked Ashley some good questions about her journey as the Bachelorette. Later than night over dinner on the beach, Ashley tells Constantine that she had the best date with him and feels like she's off to a fresh start this week. Despite not giving him kiss, she gave him the date rose.

Day two in Thailand brought more rain and the week's group date. For this date Ashley planned for the group to help renovate a local orphange. As the Extreme Home Makeover gets underway, Ryan P. starts to ruffle some of the bachelor's feathers. Some of the guys complain that his take-charge attitude is starting to come off as just plain bossy. They also start to wonder how genuine Ryan P. is and if his seemingly ever-happy desposition is just an act. But Josh Groban #2 (Ben F.) really stole the group date when he free handed a mural on one of the walls of the orphange. Finding the elephant he painted adorable, Ashley started to realize that she had been too caught up in Bentley to realize how unique some of the guys were.

Later that evening Ashley hosted a pool party to celebrate the success of the newly decorated orphange. The first guy to snatch some alone time with the Bachelorette was Ben F. Ashley tells him last weeke was a bad week dealing with Bentley, but she was excited to spend time with him while they painted. He tells her that he was happy she spent time with him and boldly went in for a kiss. She then meets up with JP where they sit on the beach near the water. Too bad Ashley didn't bring her tackle box, because she did nothing but fish for compliments. I think the only reason JP kissed her was to shush all the questioning of why he liked her and if he was thinking about leaving.

Just as Ashley is about to award the date rose, Ryan P. asks to steal her away for moment. As the two walk away from the group Ryan tells her, "I hope we get to have more conversations. I think you're beautiful and I know we have a connection." But, the last minute stay of execution didn't work as well as he hoped on our Bachelorette. Ashley awarded the date rose to Ben F. That makes the second Josh Groban look-a-like to recieve a date rose this episode. Someone has a type...

Ivey League is on deck for the next one-on-one date. The rain must have let up some because they were permitted to go on a boat ride and kayaking excursion. While boating along Chalong Bay, Ivey League Ames tells Ashley this marks is third trip to Thailand. His first was for a mountain climbing expedition and the second was to attend a Thai culinary school. Maybe on their next date she can take him to Richmond, KY. I bet he's never been there. After they cruise around the bay, Ames and Ashley board a sea kayak where they paddle around caves and waterfalls. Though they don't talk much while aboard the kayak, they both feel a strong connection just by being in such a beautiful setting together. Over dinner we learn that Ames finds Ashley very funny, smart, and beautiful. And Ashley finds Ames very diffrent from the rest of the guys and offers him the date rose.

The next night's rose ceremony has a few of the guys on edge. Ryan P. feels ganged-up on by some of the other bachelors, Lucas feels like he hasn't had much time alone time with Ashley, and Widower West fears that Ashley doesn't feel he's ready to be in love again. Before she hands out the roses, Ashley asks to speak with Poppa Harrison. Since Bentley's departure, Ashley has realized that she's had on Bentley goggles and now sees that there are some truly great guys that want to be here. Afraid that she will send the wrong on home, she asks Poppa Harrison if she can give out an extra rose at the ceremony. Her request was granted, and I think Lucas was the big IF. So, while Josh Groban numbers 1&2, Ivey League Ames, Lucas, Ryan P., JP, Nick, Mickey, Blake, William, and Ben C. return next week, West heads back home to South Carolina.

Next week their trek overseas continues as they travel to Chaing Mai in northern Thailand where we'll see some sort of boxing match, some serious hand holding, the ever-popular ambulance scene....and could it be the dramatic return of Bentley? *takes a shot*

Week 3 - "All I wanna do is catch the next flight home."

2011-06-07T00:19:00.001-04:00

That had to be the most awkward Bachelor episode ever. Between the flash mob date, Zorro's de-masking, all the drama with Bentley, this episode made the entire "Jon & Kate Plus 8" series look....well, slightly less awkward.

The night started off with a one-on-one date card for Ben C., a lawyer from New Orleans. Last week during the rose ceremony, 'Nawlins Ben told Ashley that he loves to dance if there is ever another date that involves dancing, then he's her guy. Well Ben, I hope your jazz hands and self esteem were for ready this date. Ashley picks him up and takes him to a dance studio where she teaches him a hip-hop dance. After the dance lesson the two lounge around on a blanket at a park where mid-conversation Ashley suggests they perform the dance they just learned. Feeling embaressed and hopefully thinking this is the most ridiculous idea ever, Ben C. remembers a rose is on the line and hops up and starts to dance. To his surprise music starts playing and a flash mob breaks out and joins them. After the dance mob, Ben and Ashley have a romantic dinner where the hopeless romantic Ben tells Ashley she's totally the kind of girl he wants to spend the rest of life with. You know how the saying goes, those that flash mob together, stay together. I'm pretty sure that's an old Chinese proverb. Ashley offers 'Nawlins Ben the date rose and a kiss that probably has him thinking about china patterns.

The next day Ashley has a group date. Because it's early on and there are lots of guys left, I can't keep straight who all went on the group date. They all just look like a mix of Abercrombie models and Josh Groban look-a-likes. But before the group date began, Zorro pulled Ashley aside so he could reveal his face. He takes her outside and tells her, "Wearing this mask has been a life-changing experience," and with that pulls the mask off to reaveal an average looking guy whose gone a little grey in the beard. I'm betting somewhere deep down, Ashley was hoping it was actually Brad Womack behind that mask... And what was Ashley's response to Zorro's face? "He's a lot older than I thought...but cute." Fellas, lesson learned; save the masks for halloween.
The night's group date also has to be the most awkward group date ever. Ashley takes the guys to The Comedy Store where comedian Jeffery Ross helps them host a roast honoring the Bachelorette. I don't know if it's the crying, the obvious insecurities, or her bad bangs, but something tells me that Ashley isn't the best candidate for a roast. And as it turns out, she all but run ran off stage in tears. A few of the guys played it safe by just roasting each other. But William, who moonlights as a stand-up comic, took the roast seriously...as he should! He starts his act by saying how dissapointing it was to step out of the limo to find that Emily wasn't the Bachelorette. I LOL'd... Ashley, on the other hand, didn't find his bit funny and felt really hurt by his jokes. After the roast Ashley hides in the corner and cries. While Ashley is crying, I'd like to take a moment and propose a roast of my own;

What do the battries in my remote control and Ashley's bra size have in common? They are both triple A's!

Hey Ashley, you know why they call it a Wonder Bra? Because you wonder what you're gonna put in it!

Zorro, you can take your mask off now. Oh? You did? You mean that's your face...

Ashley, do you realize you've given roses to two Josh Groban look-a-likes? Just making sure...

Thank you, I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your waitress...

Bentley waltzes over to a crying Ashley to, as he tells us, "mess with her head." Ashley whines that the one thing she was most afraid of about doing the show was people being dissapointed that she wasn't Emily. Bentley calms her fears by saying, "24 out of 25 of the guys here wanted it to to be you." Hm, wonder who the odd a$$hole out could be...

After she's dried her eyes, Ashley meets up with the rest of guys and pulls William aside, hoping for an apology. William does apologize for his jokes and even offers to pack his bags ad go home becasue she didn'r deserve to be treated that way even though IT WAS A ROAST! Then he suggests they she spend time with the other guys because there is nothing he can say to make things better. Ashley saunters over to Ryan P. where he tells her, "I'm happy it's you that's here" and gives her kiss thus clinching the date rose.

The next day Ashley gets a knock at her door. As we all know, a knock on The Bachelorette can mean one of three things:
1. An a$$hole is coming to say that he's leaving the show because he misses his daughter, when he's really just an a$$hole who isn't attracted you
2. Chris Harrison is stopping by with the chocolate and wine coolers that were requested
3. Emily dropping in to say, "Yeah, it should have been me."

If you guessed number one, you're correct! Bentley tells us, "All I wanna do is be on the first plane home." So, he packs his bags, tells the guys he should be home with little girls, and heads to break the news to Ashley. Surprised, sad, and sobbing, Ashley tells Bentley that she pictured him at the end and he has her heart. In response, Bentley tells her, "You have mine, but I don't know if I'm ready to share my heart with you and my daughter." Ashley's buys his story and confesses that she doesn't know if she even wants to go on with the show because she felt so strongly for him.

But, the show must go on. Bentley leaves, which has me counting the days for the "Men Tell All" episode, and JP recieves the next one-on-one date. JP, who has yet to even be included on a group date, gets to enjoy another awkward evening with Ashley. Remember, in the last 24 hours Ashley's been roasted, dumped, and she still has those awful bangs. JP arrives at Ashley's mansion with a sweet grin and bouquet of flowers. Ashley opens the door in a rumpled shirt, messy hair, and red eyes. They sit on the living floor and eat oranges then she suggests they change into sweatpants and cuddle. For some reason JP agrees to this, and Ashley returns wearing an oversized sweatshirt, plaid pajama pants, slippers and glasses. She looked like me on a Monday night. All she lacked was a Lean Cuisine and an episode of..."The Bachelor." JP told her this was the perfect way to spend an evening and was offered the date rose.

Before the rose ceremony Ashley was a little emotional, so she had a sit-down with Poppa Harrison and decided to skip the evening's cocktail party and go straight for the roses. Returning next week are Ben C., JP, Ryan P, Constantine, West, Mickey, Ben F., Blake, Nick, Ames, Lucas, and William. Like I said, nothing but a bunch of Amercrmbie models and Josh Grobans...
Tune in next week where we'll find the brood of bachelors in Thailand. Looks like there will be lot of kissing and ocean frolicking...shocking!

Week 2 - "I'm not gonna last two months."

2011-06-07T00:17:00.001-04:00

It's good to see that a$$holes still exist. I was beginning to think they were all taken and I was just going to have to one day settle for some nice guy. But Bentley, you have restored my faith in a$$holes. Good to see they are alive, well, and getting roses on "The Bachelorette."

Before we get to Bentley, we have to muddle through dates with nice guys like William and Mickey. William gets the season's first one-on-one date and Ashley flies him to the fabulous Las Vegas for their first date. As they board the private plane I'm sure William is envisioning a day at the craps table, maybe taking in a show - Cirque du Soleil, perhaps - then eating some crablegs at a buffett and at some point probably taking a dip in a hot tub, it is "The Bachelorette" afterall. So, I hope William was unpleasantly surprised when the Vegas date turned out to be his wedding to the Bachelorette. The date started off with a wedding cake tasting, followed by ring shopping, and capped off with a walk down the aisle in a hotel chapel. And I think going the movies is intense for a first date. Clearly my date activity choices are far too non-commital and sane to ever be a Bachelorette. Thankfully for William, the wedding was fake, unthankfully for Ashley, she didn't get to keep the two carat diamond she picked out...

After the fake wedding Ashley surprises William with a romantic dinner in the middle of the Bellagio fountian. Over dinner William tells Ashley about the death of his alcoholic father. Having an alcoholic father of her own, Ashley becomes emotional and the two bond over this experience. William tells her this is the best first date he's ever been on and just as the fountian starts up, Ashley offers him the date rose and the first kiss of the season.

Back in LA the first date card of the season arrives for 12 lucky bachelors. The group daters join Ashley in Vegas for a performance by America's Best Dance Crew, The Jabbowakeez. For this date the bachelors were divided into two dance crews and choreographed a routine. The members of the winning crew performed later that night in the Jabbowakeez show and the losing crew flew back to the Bachelor Cave in LA. The first crew, appropiatley named Best Men, to compete did a routine that acted out a wedding ceremony. The second crew, No Rhythm Nation, made their rountine to look like a rose ceremony. Incidently the crew that had Bentley, No Rhythm Nation, won the dance battle and performed with Ashley and The Jabbowakeez.

After the show Ahley and the boys after partied by pool. The first guy to get some alone time with Ashley was Blake, the dentist. Ashley tells Blake that she sees a lot of the same qualities in him that she sees in herself; hard worker, dedicated, perfectionist. Feeling confident that he's a rose-in, Blake is ok to turn Ashley over to Bentley for his alone time. Despite the warnings from a friend that knows Bentley, Ashley is obliviously smitten with Bentley. As the two curl up on the couch by the fire, Ashley asks if there is anything that would make him decide to go home. Bentley tells her that his young daughter would be the only reason he would ever leave the show early. Upon hearing that, Ashley tells him to please stay if he feels anything for her. As Ashley is hearing this, we, the audience, is hearing Bentley tell a prodcuer, "She's got a rockin' butt. Competing is the extent of my interest. She isn't my type." And that he would "rather swim in pee than plan a wedding with her." If I close my eyes, I can almost picture Carey Grant saying these things. And because even a$$holes deserve a chance to finish first, Bentley was offered the evening's date rose.

Meanwhile, back at the Bachelor Cave, another date card arrives. This one is addressed to Mickey and JP. The card instructs to the guys to flip a coin to decide which one will join Ashley in Vegas for the next one-on-one date. Mickey wins the coin toss and meets up with Ashley at Mandalay Bay. They decide to keep the coin toss trend going throughout the date. Mickey is cool to go along with the idea until it comes time for Ashley to give out the date rose. Luck was a rose that night, because Mickey called heads and that's what it landed on!

Tensions were high the next night before the rose ceremony. William, Bentley, and Mickey were all safe. JP, Ben C., and Zorro were the only ones that didn't make it on an one-on-one or a group date. JP was the first to steal Ashley for alone time and he flips a coin for a kiss, and gets it. Ashley tells him to she thinks tey will have a lot of fun togeter later on and not to worry about anything. Ashley also spends some time talking to Zorro, who has yet to reveal his face. Zorro tells Ashley that his life was turned upside down when he suffered a brain hemorrhage a few years ago. Since then he's realized how short life can be and doesn't want to waste it being superficial. He tells Ashley that he's ready to expose himself and just has he's about the take off his mask, Matt interupts...

Ashley also spends alone time with William which ticks all the other guys off becuse he's already accepted a rose. And she spends time with Bentley who suggests they quit talking ang just kiss by the fire.While Ashley was hearing that, we the audience, is hearing Bentley tell a producer,"That kiss was just boring. There's no way I'm gonna last two months." Is that Shakespeare he's reciting?

At the rose ceremony Ashley keeps Blake the dentist, West, Constantine (Josh Groban look-a-like #1), Ben C. (Josh Groban look-a-like #2), Ryan P,. Ben C., Nick, Ivey League Ames, Lucas, Nick, JP, Chris and...Zorro. Matt from Boston said it best on his way to the reject limo, "I was an open book and wasn't wearing a mask. I lost to a guy in a mask." Matt, don't foget to add "on national television." You lost to a guy in mask on national television.

Tune in next week where we'll get to see more of Bentley perfecting the lost art of being an a$$hole.

Week 1 - "He's Really Cute!"

2011-06-07T00:14:00.001-04:00

It's that time of year again; the hot tub's been disinfected, the spray tan's been applied, and the roses have been pruned. Bachelor Monday's are back...and so is this blog. For the next several weeks we'll watch as Ashley H. kisses her way through 25 frogs in hopes of finding a prince.

As you recall, Ashley H. was a contender on last season's "The Bachelor" with Brad Womack. Regretting her hesitation and reluctance last season, Ashley is ready to get serious about finding a husband on reality television. If only we could all be so dedicated...
Before she can start doling out roses, we must meet all 25 bachelors. Among the brood of are some handsome, blue-eyed blondes (William and Ryan P.), two Josh Groban look-alikes (Winemaker Ben and Constitine), a drunk (Tim) and a guy in a mask (Jeff). Sounds like the kind of guys you would meet out in Knoxville if you ask me. Especially the drunk. Knoxville has those covered, amiright ladies!

First out of the limo was one of the handsome blondes, Ryan P. Ryan is a solar engineer from California and he just wants to "make the world a better place." And Ashley made his world a better place by offering him the First Impression Rose. We also meet Ivey League Ames who was quick to mention his degrees from Yale and Columbia. Drunk Tim can hardly put two words together before passing out drunk. And then we meet Zorro. Zorro is actually a guy named Jeff from St. Louis. When asked about his mask he tells Ashley that he "wanted to take his face out of the game." Well, I hope that face is worth it when he decides to take it off. And I hope he takes it before the Fantasy Suite date otherwise, it's like prom night alll over again and I'd rather not relive that.

Bentley should be a pretty interesting/ratings booster character this season. Supposedly, Ashley heard through a fellow Bachelor alum that Bentley is only doing the show to promote his business and he isn't there for the right reasons. Ashley wants to hold this against him, but oh those dimples and that head of hair! She's too smitten by his charm and good looks to let that information sway her decision. Ashley also finds William from Ohio quite charming as his celebrity impressions have her in stitches. William is also my pick of the litter, but I think Ryan P. and Bentley are the early frontrunners.

After Ashley has a chance to chat with all her suiters, it's time to give out the roses. Among those advancing to next week are Ryan P., William, Ivey League Ames, Bentley, both Josh Grobans, some other douchebags, and....Zorro! And among those boarding the reject limo are Tennessee boy Frank, and someone who had the best parting words in Bachelor history, Anthony from New Jersey. Dissapointed by another heartbreak, Anthony tells us, "I'm just a small town butcher from Jersey. What do I know?" Beautiful.

One of my favorite parts of the premiere episode of "The Bachelor" or "The Bachelorette" is the season preview and this year's preview did not dissapoint. Ashley takes the guys glob trotting to Hong Kong, Thailand, and Fiji. We'll also witness what looks to be a heated boxing match, accusations that one of the guy's wishes it were Emily that was the bachelorette, and an ambulance scene! No season of "The Bachelor" is complete without a good, old-fashioned ambulance scene...

"Happy to me, means family."

2011-02-25T01:16:00.000-05:00

Hometown Date Week has arrived! The air is crispier, the sun shinier and the roses rosier. It’s just like Christmas but with less traffic. This week Brad ventured to Washington, Maine, California and North Carolina to meet his pick of future in-laws.

Brad’s first stop was to Chantal’s hometown in Seattle, the northwestern most city in the contiguous US. Chantal brings Brad back to her house where he’s introduced her dog, Boca. Boca the dog is slightly bigger than a squirrel and more hyper than a second grader with ADD. Chantal is utterly in love with the little rascal and refers to Brad as “daddy” when Boca jumps in his lap. Brad, remember; the smaller the dog, the crazier the girl. (Yours truly and her 10 pound shih-tzu excluded.) After the petting zoo, Chantal takes Brad seven miles down the road to her parent’s estate where he meets her father Michael, her brother Conner, and her mother Billie-Jo. If “The Real Housewives” franchise ever makes it to Seattle, Billie-Jo is a must. From her lusciously botoxed lips and French pedicured toes to the way she swirled her glass of merlot, Billie-Jo gave us a sampling of Seattle’s finest cougar. After a family dinner, father Michael takes Brad down to his wine cellar for a tasting and a talk. Brad and Michael discover that both their grandfather’s were masons. They also bonded over the fact that they were self-made men and appreciated hard work and by the looks of the empty bottle, a nice, full-bodied red. Dad tells Brad that Chantal has been ready to settle down for a long time and he’d be proud to have him as a son-in-law.

From the northwestern most city to the northeastern most city, Brad meets Ashley in her small hometown of Madawaska, Maine. The quaint fishing town borders French Canada, so Ashley takes him to a local restaurant where they split an order of poutine, french fries smothered in cheese and topped with gravy. Sounds like something I would crave drunk. Or stoned. Or just hungry and totally sober. When the poutine arrives Brad exclaims that it looks better than sushi and digs in. Brad is from Texas after all, so I don’t think spicy catfish roll or tempura bass hardly count as sushi. In his defense cheesy, gravy fries probably did look better. After their snack, Ashley takes Brad home to meet her family and Brad feels like he instantly fits in. They dine on fresh Maine lobster, throw back a few beers, and seem to have genuinely good time. After dinner, Ashley’s father takes Brad into the garage and lets him know that his daughter is very driven and plans to finish dental school and starting a family so soon may scare her. Rattled by what he’s hearing, Brad starts to worry that proposing to Ashley may hold her back. But his chat with older sister Chrystie calms him down. Chrystie (yes, that’s how they spell it in Maine) tells Brad that Ashley is ready to start her life and now is the perfect time for her to fall in love.

Next Brad flies across the country to Chico, California for his hometown date with Shawntel. He meets her at her family-run funeral home and mausoleum. After an awkward embrace, Shawntel shows Brad around the family business. They first tour the crematory where they usually cremate three bodies a day. Next she takes him to the embalming room and shows him all her prep tools. By the looks of the color draining from his face, I think she lost Brad, and her next rose, at “aneurysm hooks.” After a fun-filled day at the funeral parlor, they head over to Shawntel’s house to meet her family; parents Colleen and Rick and her two sisters, Destiny and Vanessa. Rick has been in the funeral business for 40 years and plans for Shawntel to take over once he retires. Brad, who told us earlier that he “doesn’t do well with death,” starts to worry about his future with Shawntel and if they move to Texas, would he be taking her away from her family. Shawntel tells her dad that she’s in love with Brad and if he proposes, things will work it.

To round out Brad’s travels across the US, he meets up with Emily in her hometown of Charlotte, North Carolina. Emily and her five year old daughter Ricki greet Brad in the park for a picnic. Little Ricki splendidly played the part of “shy” like she was up for an Academy Award. I’m not totally convinced that the child even had a face; she kept it so hidden in her mother’s bosom. Little Ricki came to a life just a tad when Brad handed her a present; a butterfly kite. She would barely look at him after that. Clearly, someone was hoping for an iPad. After their picnic, Emily takes Brad back to her house where the three of them play Candyland and draw pictures. Single moms on “The Bachelor” are such a buzzkill! Where was the wine or champagne? This date even had me missing the hot tub! After little Ricki goes to bed, Emily is hoping for some steamy alone time with her man. Momma needs some sugar! But Brad couldn’t seem to get in the mood and makes an early exit leaving Emily disappointed.

At the rose ceremony Brad tells Chris Harrison how much it meant to him that he was welcomed in these women’s homes and treated so kindly by their families. But, there was one woman that he just didn’t feel the way he was hoping he would after hometown dating; and that was Shawntel. After offering roses to Ashley, Emily, and Chantal, Brad walks Shawntel downstairs and tells her, “I didn’t feel the way a man should feel when you told me ‘I love you.’” And as Shawntel boards the reject limo back to Chico she tells us, “I hope I meet someone like him. I liked being treated like a princess.” Shawntel, you listen here – that’s what this show does. It finds a somewhat attractive guy, puts product in his hair, shoves him in some Armani suits, plans extravagant dates, gives him access to any hot tub in the city of Los Angeles, and then gives him a bouquet of roses to hand out. It’s reality TV and Brad Womack isn’t reality. Reality is margaritas on Thursday nights, Chinese take-out and telling each other goodnight. Sure, a shopping spree in Vegas and a romantic dinner on the Anguillan beaches sound divine, but, not to sound like a Taylor Swift song lyric, it’s what you are able to give someone everyday that makes them really feel like a princess.

"I don't care about the rules!"

2011-02-16T01:54:00.000-05:00

This week’s episode found our band of bachelors in the Caribbean island of Angullia. Known for its pristine white sandy beaches, glistening turquoise waters, and offshore banking, Angullia can now boast being home to the most miserable group date in Bachelor history. In fact I think Chief Minister Osbourne Fleming is having a rose statue erected in its honor.

When the ladies arrive to the island they are immediately greeted by a rather tan Chris Harrison who breaks the news that there will be three one-on-one dates and one group date this week. And that Brad will only be giving one rose before the week’s rose ceremony. And the first one-on-one date goes to Emily.

Continuing the trend, Brad picks Emily up in a helicopter where they fly to a private island for a picnic lunch. As the two sit basking in sunny paradise, the conversation takes a serious turn when Emily admits that she’s afraid of getting of her heartbroken. Brad tries to calm her fears by telling her how nervous she makes him and brings up the fact that the next round of dates will be hometown dates. Apprehensive about bringing up her daughter, Brad asks if he would be allowed to meet Ricki if he went home with her to Charlotte. Emily tells Brad that she’s an overprotected mother and Ricki has never met a guy she’s dated. But she realizes that Brad probably won’t propose if he can’t meet the most important person in her life. That being said, these two were in for some light-hearted dinner conversation…

Later that night, Emily and Brad meet for dinner on the beach. After toasting to a great day on their private island, he tells Emily that she’s getting a rose at the next ceremony and they are going home to Charlotte. Such the rule breaker, Brad Womack! They share a gag-inducing kiss in the ocean and then Brad tells us, “I don’t care about the rules. I care about Emily. I fell really hard tonight.” And so its official, Emily from Charlotte is the frontrunner.

Shawntel was awarded the second one-on-one in Agullia. And if I were among the last ladies standing, her date would have been my favorite of the three. This time Brad meets up with his date on a bicycle and they ride to the local farmer’s market. While roaming around they sip drinks out of coconuts, jump rope with little Anguillan children, and play dominoes on the street corner. My favorite part of the date was their chat with Auntie Bea. I’m not sure if she’s an out of work fortune teller or just the town drunk, but whoever she is, she needs to write a book on relationships because she seems to have it all figured out. Through her loving yet toothless mouth, Auntie Bea asks Brad and Shawntel if they are in love. When neither answers with much certainty, Anuties Bea tells them to, “Hold hands. Kiss sometime. And let your parents know when you get married.” Cosmopolitan magazine needs to give Auntie Bea a byline…

After the farmer’s market Brad meets Shawntel for dinner at the boat dock. While noshing on lobster tails and sipping colorful rum punch, Shawntel tells Brad, “I’m definitely falling in love with you, but there are five other girls here that feel the same way.” Brad tells her understands her frustrations with this unusual circumstance, but assures her that his connection with her is real and he’s interested in meeting her family. While the two talk about their parents, it starts to rain which makes the Bachelor feel all romantic. Have rain, will kiss. And as they’re kissing in the rain, Bankie Banks, the so-called “Angullian Bob Dylan” starts to serenade them.

Britt was the third and final one-on-one date of the week. And for this date Brad picks her up in a yacht. As Brad and Britt swim out to sea to board the boat, the girls back in the villa seem a little jealous that Britt will have Brad and all six of his abs alone on a yacht for the rest of the day. Michelle tells us, “You’re gonna use a yacht on Britt? Sounds like a waste of a one-on-one if you ask me.”

The yacht cruises the Caribbean and sets anchor near a rocky cliff where Bras suggests they going cliff diving. Brad takes the first jump and encourages Britt to be brave and just go for it. After moment of hesitation, Britt leaps off the cliff and plunges into the ocean all while holding her nose. After their cliff diving adventure, they sit on the beach for some small talk. But Brad seems disappointed that they’re two attractive people, wearing bathing suits, sitting in paradise and they’ve yet to kiss. Hoping to figure out if there’s a romantic connection, he meets Britt for a candlelit dinner on the yacht’s deck. Struggling for conversation, Brad tells her he isn’t sure that he has romantic feelings for her and doesn’t want to string her along through the next rose ceremony. She thanks him for giving it a shot and then boards the reject boat back to the villa to pack up her things and head home.

And now we’re to the most miserable group date in Bachelor history. The date is miserable from the start as Brad wakes Ashley, Michelle, and Chantal up before sunrise for their big date. He takes them to another villa down the beach where a team of make-up artists and photographers will glam them up for a spread in Sports Illustrated’s coveted swimsuit issue. Michelle, who has done some modeling in her time, is thrilled to be behind the camera again. Flat Ashley just hopes the camera will add 10lbs to her boob area, and Chantal must be on her period because she feels fat and cranky. All was going well during the photo shoot until Michelle invites Brad to join her for a pose, which turned out to be a make session on the beach. As soon as the shoot wrapped, Brad knew he took things too far with Michelle and he’d have lots of explaining to do with Ashley and Chantal.

He first pulls Ashley aside for alone time and assures her that he loves her bubbly personality and was sorry she ever had to second guess his feelings for her. Next he tells Chantal that he’s very interested in meeting her family and apologized for making her feel disconnected. And then tells Michelle that he’s scared that they’re too much alike and both a little too stubborn. After each girl has a crying spell, Brad tells us this is the worst group he’s ever been on and feels that he’s let some very special women down today. He decides to award Ashley the date rose which makes Chantal question if she’s even still in the running.

Later that night before the rose ceremony Brad asks to speak with Chris Harrison. Since he’s already broken one rule this week and promised Emily a rose, he asks to break another rule; skip the cocktail party and go straight for the roses. He tells Chris that his mind was made up earlier that afternoon and he doesn’t want to make this woman wait any longer. So, with Poppa Harrison’s blessing, Brad jumps right into the rose awarding. He first calls Emily, then Shawntel, then Chantal which left Michelle without a rose. I was immediately worried for Brad’s safety, but Michelle was oddly very calm and quiet as she made her exit. She refused to hold Brad’s hand during their walk to the reject limo and made no attempt at conversation or plea of explanation before leaving. She simply sighed goodbye and then laid down in the seat of the limo, expressionless. I was mildly disappointed that she didn’t go out with more fanfare or at least a string of bleeped out expletives as she drove off.

Next week is my favorite time of year – Hometown Date Week! From shotgun-toting dads and weird family pets, to creepy basements and kooky grandmas, the possibilities for hometown dates are endless.

Week 5

2011-02-09T01:33:00.001-05:00

Bachelor Brad took his broads abroad this week for a rumble in the Costa Rican jungle. Despite zip lining across the rain forest, repelling down waterfalls, and picnicking in caves, there was trouble brewing in paradise. Michelle put Brad’s patients to the test, Chantal’s emotions got the best of her, and the Wildcats beat the Vols. Wait, what? I meant to say that Brad decided not to give out a date rose.

Brad sets the women up in a cozy villa over looking a volcano. While the girls enjoy the gorgeous view, a date card arrives for Jackie, Michelle, Emily, Ashley, Shawntel, and Britt. Ashley can’t wait to get “down and dirty in the jungle” with Brad. Michelle, on the other hand is still appalled that Shawntel is still in the running and hopes she “gets attacked by monkeys” on their group date. I’ve always heard that group date eating monkeys are particularly dangerous in Costa Rica.

The daters go repelling down a waterfall in the rainforest. Most of the girls are excited to try something new and adventurous, but Jackie, the token acrophobic, is in a panic. Deathly afraid of heights, she cries and freaks out, but eventually repels down the waterfall. Now Brad could have really won us over and elected to repel with her to calm her fears and make her feel safe. But instead, Brad gets on our bad side and decides to go down with Michelle because they made a “pact” on their last date that if they ever went repelling again, they would repel together. As you know, those that repel together might get engaged on national television together.

After everyone made it safely down, they all relaxed around a hot spring. Brad wasted no time getting alone time with the ladies. He first had a chat with Jackie and told her how proud he was of her for conquering her fear of heights. Though gracious of his praises, Jackie was also miffed that he chose to repel with Michelle while she was one that really could have used his support. He next pulls Emily aside hoping for a moment’s reprieve. She tells him that she’s starting to like him, but tends to get scared and run when things get serious. That has Brad worried that he’s going to get hurt if he continues to fall for her. And then he meets with Michelle who questions why he’s kept any of the girls around. He sternly tells her that his decisions are his decisions and she has to trust that he’s making the right ones. Exasperated, Brad tells us that his evening with the ladies really didn’t go that well and he’s confused more than ever. So, he tells the women that he needs time to think about things tonight and packs up the date rose and heads back to his villa.

The next day he has a one-on-one date with Chantal. Last week Chantal was an emotional, dramatic mess. This week Brad hopes the fun and feisty Chantal makes a comeback. He picks her up via helicopter for an afternoon of zip lining across the Costa Rican rainforest. After gliding from tree top to tree top, Brad treats Chantal to a riverside picnic. Over glasses of wine, Brad tells Chantal that her emotions in Vegas scared him and hopes that he can see more of her confidant and spunky side. In response, Chantal tells Brad that she’s ready to move on to the next chapter in her life and that today’s date was perfect. And just as it did on their first date, rain began to fall from the sky as he offered her the date rose.

Alli was the next to lucky in Costa Rica as she has her first but the week’s final one-on-one date. Brad ditches the helicopter and picks Alli up on horseback and takes her caving. I’ll agree that most of the dates planned on “The Bachelor” seem pretty fabulous. From hot air balloon rides and private concerts to dinner cruises and shopping sprees, all the dates makes dinner and a movie sound as exciting as watching paint dry. But this particular cave date would have done me in. Brad hands Alli a lantern as they enter into the cave and the first thing Alli sees are bats clinging to the ceiling. Bats just look like rats with wings, and as someone who is neither a fan of wild rats or wild birds, being in pitch darkness with bats would not be the makings of a fun date. Alli yelps and squeals as the bats flap and flutter overhead. Brad tries to calm her by forging them through the cave to the picnic he has set up for them. Over dinner Alli tells Brad that the day’s events are not the usual for her, but it made for an exciting adventure. Then the two struggle to make small talk for the remainder of the meal. In hopes of getting some type conversation going, Brad asks Alli why her last relationship ended. Though she dated her ex for two years, she tells Brad that she just couldn’t picture him as her husband. He was a nice guy, but she just didn’t see him being “the one.” Brad quickly replies, “I know what you mean” and proceeds to giver her the you’re-not-receiving-the-date-rose-speech.

After saying good-bye to Alli, Brad retreats to his villa to relax and have some alone time. Just as he was getting settled for a night of women-free burping and crotch scratching, he gets a knock at the door. When bachelor’s get a knock it usually means one of three things:
A contestant has decided to pull an Ali and leave the show because their job at Facebook is on the line
Chris Harrison is at the door with hard liquor
One of the ladies is hoping for a late night bachelor snack

If you guessed three, you are correct. Brad opens to the door to find Michelle standing there ready to bad mouth the other girls. She lets him know that he made the right decision sending Alli home, but doesn’t feel Chantal is the right woman for him. She goes on to tell Brad she predicts that along with Ashley and Emily, she’ll be one of the last three standing. Brad doesn’t say much in response, but once he kisses her good-bye and walks her out, he tells us that he feels like he’s being pulled in a million directions and Michelle is the largest contributor to that. So, for you future bachelorettes out there, leave the late night door knocking to Chris Harrison and Jim Beam.

Brad arrives to the next night’s cocktail party and tells the women that he’s had a lot to sort out and has caught a lot of grief lately about how he’s handled his roses. With that being said, he seems to have an agenda for the evening so he can sort out his feelings. First, he meets with Emily and they talk about her vulnerability being a good thing and not a thing she should run from. Then he meets with Michelle and tells her she’s scaring him and she has to quit second guessing his rose-giving decisions. After a bout of tears, Michelle tells Brad that she knows she’s supposed to be here and she’s the woman for him. I don’t know what crystal meth ball she’s looking into, but I just don’t think she’s going to be the last ring finger standing.

Next he meets up with Shawntel for what was probably his favorite alone time encounter thus far. She tells him that she’s sick of talking about feelings and suggests they play the silent game which of course ends with a make-out session. So, future bachelorettes out there, silence is golden! Chantal, on the other hand, doesn’t know the secret about silence and spends her pre-rose ceremony alone time professing her love to Brad. She says their date changed how she feels about him and that she loves him and hopes to return to Costa Rica with their little bachelor babies one day. Good thing she already scored a date rose, because bachelors don’t always love baby talk…

Bachelor Brad decides to keep Ashley, Britt, Shawntel, Chantal, Michelle, and Emily which meant Jackie ended up in the reject limo. Next week Brad whisks the girls away to Anguilla for some summer lovin’ on the beach.

Week 4

2011-02-09T01:30:00.000-05:00

My Bachelordar is broken. Do you think that’s something the Geek Squad can fix? Since 2001 I have been able to call the winner or second runner-up just from watching the first episode. And this season I’m defeated. I called Marissa on episode one as the winner, and though she never had a one-on-one, or any commentary interviews, or any alone time during the groups dates, I thought she’d eventually emerge as the season’s dark horse and end up as the last ring finger standing. But she was sent packing and left us with nothing but a teary ride in the reject limo. My picks never leave all teary eyed in the reject limo. My picks end up with engagement rings and then break-up cover stories on Us Weekly. This is new territory and I’m not sure how I feel about it. Maybe Brad will lend me Therapist Jamie’s number…

On a happier note, The Bachelor took his harem of hotties to Las Vegas this week in hopes of putting the sin in Sin City. Brad meets his limo-o-ladies at Aria Hotel where he puts them up in the penthouse suite. After the girls check out the view and tear into the mini-bar, a date card arrives for Shawntel and our first one-on-one of the week begins.

Brad meets Shawntel at the mall. But this shopping trip wasn’t your let’s-get-Orange Julius-and-try-on-boyfriend-jeans-at-The Gap shopping trip. This was the “Pretty Woman” of shopping trips. Brad told Shawntel that she could go into any store and buy anything she wanted. From the looks of the designer shoes and the $5,000 handbag, Shawntel took this shopping spree date very seriously! But the one-on-one didn’t end at the mall – Brad had another surprise later that evening.

Shawntel returns to the girls’ suite with two armloads of packages Other than maybe dating the same guy, nothing will make women more jealous than new purses and shoes. Trying not to make a big deal out of her new designer wardrobe, Shawntel quietly goes upstairs to get ready for her dinner date and tells us that she really wants to use the rest of the night’s date to talk about her job…as an embalmer.

Brad and Shawntel meet up for a romantic candlelit dinner and just as he sinks his pearly white veneers into a bite of steak, Shawntels tells him that she wants to talk about her work at the funeral home. At a loss for words, and appetite, Brad nervously asks her what an embalmer actually does with a human body. Shawntel tells Brad how she makes incisions to “drain the veins” for embalming fluid all while eating her steak. Brad seems intrigued by our resident funeral director and tells her she’s the “hottest embalmer I’ve ever seen.”
After dinner, Brad takes Shawntel to the roof of the Aria Hotel. Now, the last time I watched something that took place on a hotel rooftop in Vegas, a baby, Mike Tyson, and a tiger were involved. Although, Mike Tyson would’ve been an interesting addition to the date, I was relieved when Brad offered Shawntel a rose instead of a ruffie.

The next day a date card arrives for the first group date of the week and to the excitement of most of the girls, Brad takes them NASCAR driving at the Las Vegas Motor Speedway. But Emily is the exception to date’s excitement. As you recall, Emily’s dead fiancé was a race car driver and had a career-ending wreck at the Las Vegas Motor Speedway. Sensing that all is not alright with Emily, Brad pulls her away from the group for a chat. She tells him about Ricky’s past as a race car driver and about his accident on this very track, but that she’s grateful to be here and to have met him. Feeling like a jerk, Brad apologizes for his date idea and lets her know that she doesn’t have to drive the car if it’s too painful. Deciding it would be therapeutic to drive, Emily suits up, straps in, and starts to let go of her painful past making it a victory lap indeed.

After the racetrack, the group date retires to the pool for some crying and feelings of jealousy. Brad pulls Emily aside three times that night to make sure she’s ok and that she still wants to be here. Thinking he’s acting like a concerned gentlemen, Brad’s actually been pissing off every other girl on the date. An emotional Alli is the first to tell him that she dosen’t feel special like he makes Emily feel. A crying Chantal keeps referring to the evening as “Emily’s date.” And Michelle yanks him away from the group to tell him how immature all the other girls are. But, there’s something about Emily and on his third and final alone time with her of the date, he offers the date rose and tells her he’s falling for her.

The next night is a difficult date for Bachelor Brad. It’s the ever-awkward three-on-one. And this week it’s with both Ashleys. Convinced that he cares deeply for both girls, Brad feels utterly confused going into the evening’s date. He thinks Ashley S. is stunning and “gets lost” in her eyes, but feels a strong and real connection with Ashley H. He takes the girls to see Cirque du Soleil Viva Elvis, but they weren’t going to be spectators – the winner of the date would be performing in the show along with Brad. Each girl rehearses the number, which is set to The King’s “Are You Lonesome Tonight.” After the rehearsal, they sit down for dinner where the presence of the date rose and the promise of good-bye ruin any chance of appetite or dinner conversation. After little hesitation, Brad chooses Ashley H. And as the two glide around on stage in Vegas, Ashley S. is left feeling lonesome that night.

This week’s cocktail party was the most depressing cocktail party in Bachelor history. All the girls were nervous, emotional wrecks. Trying to calm the mood, Brad tells his gaggle of girls that there have been a lot of tears and emotions this week, but he likes to hear how everyone is feeling because he’s here to find his wife. Chantal is first to snatch Brad away for some alone time, crying, and accidental usage of the “L” word.

After recovering from his chat with Chantal, Brad tells us that it bothered him that Alli didn’t feel special, so he hoped a small gesture would remedy her insecure feelings.
He whisked her upstairs and surprised her with champagne and a tiny green cake that reminded him of the green dress she wore the first night of the season. Nice memory, ABC producer! Though it was thoughtful, Brad seemed very rushed and hurried during their mini-one-on-one. I think he may like Alli, but she isn’t captivating him like Emily and Michelle seem to be.

Speaking of Michelle.... Because she hasn’t had much alone time with Brad in Vegas, she steals him from the party, pushes him down in a chair, and says, “You have some really big decisions to make. A lot of the girls here don’t realize what they have in front of them. I’m different. Keep that in mind.” Then she forces her tongue down his throat and demands he “sends some girls home.” I think he keeps her around because he’s scared for his life.

And so now we have the rose ceremony. If the rose ceremony is the NCAA tournament, and Marissa is the University of Kentucky, then Brad is Duke and my bracket is busted. Marissa and Lisa went home, which seemed unfair since neither girl seemed to ever get alone time with Brad. But love isn’t always fair, nor is reality television. Or college basketball. Duke sucks.

Week 3 - "I hate group dates."

2011-01-18T21:46:00.003-05:00

Week three opens with a friendly greeting courtsey of Michelle that went a little something like this: "Brad needs to be with a woman like me. Not these other girls. I'm not gonna lie; I hate them." I hope you other girls keep a close eye on who's pouring the wine spritzers if you catch my drift. Michelle definitely has a "I'd poison your drink with antifreeze" look about her. And Michelle's hatred is further fueled when the next one-on-one date card arrives and it's addressed to Ashley S.

Brad takes Ashley S. to Capitol Records to record a duet of none other than Seal's "Kiss From a Rose." A native North Carolinian, Ashley tells us, "My accent might be kind of charming, but my singing voice is terrible." Well Ashley, you may be from Dixie and you're a chick, but you certainly are no Dixie Chick. No one will ever accuse her of being on "The Bachelor" in hopes of furthering her singing career. After a wretched recording that makes "Real Housewife" Kim Zolciak sound on pitch, Brad and Ashley decide they're better off lip-syncing and are treated to a private performance by Seal. Afterwards the pair retreat to the Capitol Records rooftop for some champagne and chit-chat. Ashley opens up to Brad about her the untimely death of her father who died suddenly of a brain hemorrhage. She also tells Brad that this date was especially meaningful because "Kiss From a Rose" was her father's favorite song. Appreciative that Ashley is opening up to him, Brad tells her what a perfect first date they had and the two go from a "Kiss From a Rose" to a rose for a kiss. And Ashley, who already feels herself falling for Brad, accepts the date rose...and the kiss!

Back at the mansion Michelle isn't taking it well that she's about to be subjected to yet another group date and tells us, "What really hurts is being on a group date. I hate group dates." Michelle, it's "The Bachelor," no group date is ever that bad and they almost always end with the Bachelor half naked in a hottub. I've yet to see a group date that's involved a Cici's Pizza Buffet followed by a root canal. And until that's the case, quit yo bitchin'!

The dreaded group date, as it turns out, is a trip to a movie set to shoot an action flick. A group of professional stunt doubles work with the girls on how to throw fake punches and choreograph fight scenes. Though he thought all the girls were kicking butt this date, Brad seemed to have his eye on Shawntel and she was chosen to be in the movie's closing scene which of course invloved a car explosion and lots of kissing. Jealous, Michelle tells us that she wishes Shawntel would be kidnapped and dumped in the desert. Nevada PD, if you're reading this, maybe you should do a missing person's report and let out the cadaver dogs. Stat.

After the shoot, Brad takes his harem poolside for a wrap party where he wastes no time popping open the bubbly and the girls waste no time breaking out the bikinis. Chantal is the first to get some alone time with Brad and how does she spend it? Crying and talking about her divorce. If there are two things that are bachelor buzzkill it's crying and the word "divorce." Because he does seem to be a nice guy, Brad cuddles and comforts Chantal, but when she says, "I Iike you," he replies, "You too." Yes, the 'ol "You too." Unless you're casually telling someone to have a nice day, "You too" is never a promising response.

Next up for some hottub time is Alli. But, just as she and Brad were starting to talk about failed past relationships, in saunters Michelle who successfully steals Brad away. Though aware of Michelle's theivery ways, Brad tells us that "she could steal him away any night of the week." Shoot! She may be more of a frontrunner than I've been suspecting. But, he gives Shawntel the date rose and acts genuinely nervous while doing so. The date ends with everyone in the hottub watching their action movie appropiately titled "Love Hurts."

Emily from North Carolina is next on deck for a one-on-one date. Brad picks Emily up in his silver convertible and takes her to an airplane hangar where they board a private plane and fly to a vineyard in Santa Maria, CA. Over glasses of chardonnay, Brad tries to get Emily to open up, but she seems hesistant and resistant. Deflecting all his questions, Brad doesn't quite know how to read her. After a vineyard tour, he leads her into a barn for a romantic candlelit dinner. And over more glasses of chardonnay, Emily shares with Brad the "darkest period of her life," the death of her fiance. Emily was just 18 when her finance died in a plane crash en route to a car race. Days after his death, she found out she was pregnant with his daugher. Though a bit stunned by the seriousness of her story, Brad seems genuinely sorry for Emily's lost and even more interested in hearing about her five year old daughter. He tells Emily, "I like you a lot. I mean a lot." And then offers her the date rose.

The next night is rose ceremony and Brad seems to be having his best time yet at a cocktail party. He first meets with Alli where he hears about her trust issues that stem from her father's indefilty. He eases her mind by saying that he's never cheated on a girlfriend and agrees that trust is a huge factor in relationships and they kiss. He's then stolen away by Michelle who tells him how jealous she is that he's kissing other girls, so to ease her mind, he kisses her. Next he's off to find Chantal to apologize for not opening to her the other night in the hottub the way she opened up with him. And they kiss. Three kisses and it wasn't even fantasy date week - I'd say this was his best cocktail party yet!

But the tides begin to turn when he sits down to chat with Madison. We knew things were going to get serious when she took out her fangs. Madison tells Brad that she came on the show with walls up and feels like a lot of the girls really have their hearts on the line and she's thinking about leaving. A little put off, Brad encourages her not to accept a rose if she really doesn't want to be here. Well, as it turns, Madison didn't. Before Brad gave out his second rose of the ceremony, Madison walks off. Brad excuses himself and tries to figure out what's going on in that vampire head of hers. She tells him, "I wouldn't feel right if I stayed and another girl went home." Admiring her reason, Brad wishes her luck and the two part on amicable terms. Madison was more of a Team Edward kind of girl anyway.

So, Michelle, Chantal, Shawntel, Lisa, Jackie, Ashley H, Ashley S, Britt, Alli, Lindsey, Megan, Stacy and my pick Marissa all return next week. And speaking of next week - Michelle wakes up with a black eye! Monday, you can't get here fast enough!

Week 2 - "Did you get the memo? It's my birthday."

2011-01-11T16:40:00.003-05:00

Week two was a night of firsts for our second time around bachelor. Brad had his first one-on-one date, first group date, and Michelle celebrated her first 30th birthday. Something tells me she's one of those that plans on turning 30 for the next five years...

Last night's episode started out in the mansion where all the girls were sitting around in their Victoria's Secret sweat pants and side ponies awaiting the arrival of the season's first date card. Melissa, the waitress from Florida, tells us she's wanted to be a contestant on "The Bachelor" for eight years and, despite having to quit her job, spent a fortune on dresses and gowns for the show. So you can imagine her disappointment when the date card is opened and it's Ashley H.'s name printed on the front.

Later that evening Ashley H., the perky little dentist from Philadelphia, meets Bachelor Brad at the bottom of the mansion staircase wearing a dress reminiscent of the lacy swan Bjork wrapped herself in for the 2001 Oscars. Brad must have had on his bachelor goggles as he tells the oral hygiene hottie how beautiful she looks. After bidding adieu to her fellow bachelorettes, Brad drives Ashley down a dark and windy wooded trail. Just when she thinks this is about to turn into an episode of "48 Hours Mystery," they stumble upon a giant voltage switch. Brad lets Ashley do the honors and when the switch is flipped, a carnival lights up complete with a tilt-a-whirl and ferris wheel. Running around like 15 year olds that have just been ungrounded, the two play ring toss, eat cotton candy, and make-out in the photo booth. Brad tells us, "I've met a girl right off the bat that I can just be myself with." They bond over the fact that both of them grew up with absentee fathers and feel the need for stability in their lives. Brad says to Ashley that she makes it easy for him to open up and talk, thus he presents her with the season's first date rose. Ashley readily accepts and then the two take their make-out session to the ferris wheel. Which reminds me, "Fear" was just added to Netflix Instant Play.

The next day is a big one at the mansion - it's Michelle's birthday! But it's not just Michelle's birthday, it's her 30th birthday. Not her 29th or 31st, as she tells us, but her 30th! And on the big 3-0 the producers of ABC's "The Bachelor" surprise her with a date with Brad and 15 other girls! Turning 30 is the best! After hearing her name on the group date's roster, Michelle tells us, "People are going to piss me off today. I just know it." I love it when birthday girls are on "The Bachelor."

For the season's first group date, Brad takes the girls to a studio where they'll shoot PSAs promoting blood donation for the American Red Cross. OMG - this is obviously the perfect group date for Madison! Madison, as you recall, is the girl with fangs. But what would've been Fangs' big moment is overshadowed by birthday girl Michelle. After watching Brad willingly participate in kissing scenes with several of the girls, Michelle has had enough and tell us, "this isn't how I pictured celebrating my 30th birthday," and runs off in a huff. Bachelor Brad finds her pouting backstage and after a strained pep talk, gets her to rejoin the date.

After the PSA shoot, Brad takes the ladies to a rooftop wrap party at the swanky Roosevelt Hotel. After toasting to a drama-free evening, Brad whisks Melissa away for some alone time. Melissa, as you recall, is the one who told us earlier this episode that its basically been her dream to be on "The Bachelor" and sold all her possessions to make it come true. So, we knew she wasn't going to come off as desperate when she finally had alone time with our bachelor. The first thing Melissa tells Brad is how spontaneous she is. In bachelorettese, "spontaneous" actually means "Short of a three-way, I'll do anything to get your attention." In past seasons "spontaneous" has meant skinny-dipping, running into the ocean fully clothed, and secret late night visits to the bachelor's sleeping quarters. We all know this isn't Brad's first rodeo, so he's on to Michelle's spontaneous talk and cuts their alone time short.

Next up for alone time is the birthday girl, who by now is hammered. Slurry-tongued and glossy-eyed, Michelle tells Brad that he has walls up and she wants to "peel off all the layers." Michelle, you're drunk, you're 30, you're on "The Bachelor." The only thing you want to peel off are Brad's clothes...amiright! And probably because Michelle was drunk and 30, she was offered the evening's date rose.

Back at Girl Scout camp, the final date card of the episode is delivered for Jackie, the artist from New York. Brad picks his date up in a shiny silver convertible and takes her to a hotel for a couple's spa treatment. After an afternoon of facial masks and mud baths, Brad surprises Jackie with a romantic dinner on stage at the Hollywood Bowl. During dinner we learn that Jackie has only had two serious boyfriends which worries the bachelor that this situation may be too risky for her. Jackie assures Brad that she wants to be here as long as he does, and with that she's offered the date rose. After accepting, the couple is rewarded with a private concert from Train. Hey soul sister!

Two one-on-ones and a group date later it's finally rose ceremony time! Before Brad hands out his roses, Chris Harrison surprises everyone with two special members of "The Bachelor" family; Ali and Sexy Roberto! As a former bachelorette, Ali is highly qualified to help Brad weed out some of the girls that may be there for the ever-popular wrong reason. Ali and Roberto sit down with each and of the girls for a quick interview and unanimously decide that Emily from North Carolina should be awarded the extra rose of the evening.

So, among those returning next week are our date rose recipients Ashley H., Birthday Girl Melissa, Jackie, and Emily. Also making the cut are once again both Shawntel and Chantal, Fangs, and my pick, Marissa! Tune in next week to see Brad's reaction to Emily's dark past and see who decides to head home before the rose ceremony.

The Bachelor - Week 1 "Don't screw this up!"

2011-01-05T19:40:00.001-05:00

Welcome Bachelor fans to what Chris Harrison is already calling “the most shocking season in Bachelor history.” And with a mortician, a girl with fangs, and a few single moms thrown in the mix, it may actually earn the moniker. This season brings us a handsomely familiar face, Brad Womack. True Bachelor followers may remember the studly Texan from a few seasons back as the bachelor that couldn’t make a decision and let both women go at the show’s finale. Well, three years of therapy later Brad is back and better than ever. He’s worked through his trust and commitment issues, canceled his Match.com profile and is ready to plunge into the hot tub of love and give out some roses…for real this time!

Before Bachelor Brad meets his bevy of beauties, Chris Harrison sits down with him to get the scoop on his changed ways. Brad 2.0 tells us that his barriers have been broken down and he’s completely ready to commit. He tells Chris that he’s excited to be back and really feels that he’ll find his future wife this time around. Bachelor Jake and Bachelorette Ali must have worn Chris Harrison out, because the only advice he could muster for Brad was, “Don’t screw this up.” Just as Bachelor Brad is getting ready to meet his prospects, Chris Harrison pulls a fast one on him and brings out Deanna and Jenny, the two bachelorettes he jilted round one. Shocked, stunned, and probably a little scared, Bachelor Brad graciously greets the girls and offers a sincere apology and tells them because of what happened that season, he’s been able to get help and become a better person, and ultimately a better bachelor. And becoming a better bachelor is really what life is all about. Both Deanna and Jenny seem skeptical that he’ll be able to make a decision at the end and propose, but nonetheless wish him well and then flaunt their engagement rings as they make their exits. Psst, Brad, between you and me, I think you dodged some real bullets with those two…

But Brad’s chat with Chris Harrison won’t be the only time he’ll relive his Bachelor past this episode. In group of 30 single women chances are most of them have seen Brad’s infamous season and even better are the chances of 30 single women having stern opinions on how the season ended. As it turns only three of them had no idea who he was. The other 27? Here’s a smattering of their reactions upon meeting our bachelor:

On behalf women everywhere, Shawntel from Seattle slaps Brad across the face. Kimberly from North Carolina tells him she has real concerns about his commitment to being on the show. Red headed Lindsey wondered if he’s really changed. Jackie from New York made him pinky swear that he wouldn’t break her heart and Jill from Texas simply said, “I’m ready to get married.” I hope Brad was able to take a swig of some hard, hard liquor before going into that first cocktail party.

But the questions about his previous bachelor experience didn’t let up. Everywhere he turned there was a broad in a satin gown chirping at him about proposing, committing, and falling in love. After that display, I don’t know how ABC will be able to cast another bachelor ever again. But then Brad met Ashley from New York. During their alone time, Ashley didn’t grill him on his past decisions and the two just had normal, first date conversation. Not surprisingly, it was also Ashley that nabbed the First Impression Rose. But Ashley had some competition for that coveted first rose. Once the girls know about the First Impression Rose, all reason and self-respect go out the mansion window. Keltie (yes, you read that correctly) is a former Rockette and taught Brad a few high-kicks. Raichel the Manscaper waxed a portion of Brad’s wrist. He met Madison the piece with fangs and though finding them oddly hot, he told her if she’s here to play around then she should leave. And then Jackie, claiming that she had nothing prepared, belted out a song she wrote about being on the show. Once again, how does ABC do it? Finding a guy brave enough to do this season after season after season…

The First Impression Rose must have whetted Brad’s appetite to give out more roses because after what seemed like the shortest cocktail party in Bachelor history, it was rose ceremony time. Among the 20 that we’ll see next week are single moms Michelle and Emily, both Shawntel and Chantel, Fangs, and Manscaper Raichel. And my early pick to be the frontrunner, Marissa the sports publicist from Florida. Among those taking the reject limo back to LAX, Lisa P. who was really ready to find her husband, Lauren who thinks Brad is missing out on woman with a great personality, and Brittnee who thought it would really work out this time.

Well, Brad you made it through yet another first episode of “The Bachelor” and if the previews hold true with the black eye scene, teary confrontations, and the alluding sound bites that Brad may end up alone, again, at the end, this may actually be the “most socking season yet.”

Week 7: "Stop interrupting me!"

2010-07-08T15:44:00.000-04:00

This week Ali whisked the guys away to Lisbon, Portugal on the last stop of her around-the-world dating tour. The dates were extra important this episode because they determined who would take Ali home to meet their family. One wrong move this episode and Ali’s spending the weekend at an Alabama trailer park eating Spam with Mee-Maw in her mumu.

Ali’s first date in Portugal was with Sexy Roberto. The pair roamed the streets of downtown Lisbon posing for pictures and then slow danced in the middle of the road while Roberto whispered sexy nothings in her ear. Then Ali took him to a castle where they had a romantic dinner and talked about their feelings. Ali seems to be falling for Roberto but can’t always tell if the feeling is mutual. He eases her mind when he tells her that if she sticks with him they will have a lifetime of evenings just like this. And that’s why we call him Sexy Roberto!
The next day Ali goes on a two-on-one with Frank and Tennessee Ty. No date roses were involved this week so neither of the guys had to worry about sabotaging the evening. What a waste of awkwardness! The two-on-ones are only good when roses and plans of havoc are involved. The love triangle gathered for dinner where Ali seemed to feel very uncomfortable. She first asked Ty for some alone time where they talked more about Ty’s family and how his mother would feel about Ali having a career outside the home. Ty tries to assure her that his parents trust his judgment and would love getting to meet her. Then she takes Frank aside for some alone time where he drops the I-still-live-at-home-with-my-parents bomb. How Ali didn’t know he was a basement dweller is beyond me. If your “profession” is “aspiring screenwriter,” you’re not living in a fancy penthouse on Michigan Avenue. You’re living in mom and pop’s basement on the old fold-out sofa you used to sleep on as a kid when your grandparents were visiting from Florida. Ali takes the blow with stride and tells us that she likes Frank for Frank and doesn’t care where he lives. Ali, I see a twin bed and comic book posters in your future.

Next up is Ali’s date with Kirk where they first meet for lunch and giant beers. Kirk picks up on Ali’s standoffish attitude and tells her it’s ok to be stressed out about this whole process. Ali opens up a little more and tells Kirk that she feels very relaxed around him and has truly enjoyed their dates together. In return, Kirk tells Ali that she’s deserving of a good relationship with a good person. After another romantic dinner, Kirk and Ali enjoy a private concert by a Portuguese string quartet.

The following afternoon Ali takes Cape Cod Chris on the last date before the evening’s rose ceremony. He picks her up on a moped where they cautiously cruise the coastal area of Lisbon. Ali compares Chris’ slow driving to the speed of their relationship. During a cuddle session in the grass Ali asks Chris if it’s typical for him to move slowly with the women he dates. He tells her that he likes to take his time to figure a person out and then presents Ali with a handmade bracelet. He explains that he’s had this bracelet with him the whole time but wanted to make sure he really liked her before he gave it to her. Impressed that he held on it until the right moment, Ali give him a hug and kiss and then asks what it would be like if she were to go home with him to Cape Cod.

Ali only had to send one suitor home this week and seemed to have a hard time choosing which one to send packing. Sexy Roberto, Frank, Cape Cod Chris, and Kirk all advance to the next round where they will take Ali home to meet their family while Ty waltzes back to Tennessee without a rose. By the looks of next week’s previews I wonder if Ali regrets her decision when Kirk’s father introduces her to his taxidermy room.

Last night’s episode wasn’t over after the last rose had been awarded. ABC treated us to a sit-down interview with Jake and Vienna, “The Bachelor’s” latest casualty. I’ll be the first to admit that I was definitely not on Team Vienna during Jake’s season of “The Bachelor.” But after watching them last night, I wanted to switch teams. He was terrible to her and he needed some product in his hair. After the way he spoke to her last night, Pilot Jake will be flying solo indefinitely. I was glad Vienna stormed off in the middle of the interview; she doesn’t need to waste another flip of her hair extension on him. And I agree; Jake is a fame-whore. He did “Dancing with the Stars”.

Week 6 "I can't believe what you did"

2010-06-30T13:47:00.001-04:00

How calmly did things start out Monday night? Ali was in her hotel room in Istanbul, drying her hair, putting on make-up, checking her Facebook when she gets an unexpected knock at her door. On “The Bachelor” unexpected knocks are never good. In the past the unexpected knock has brought news of contestants leaving to return to their jobs or past contestants returning desperately for another chance. Unexpected knocks are never pizza delivery boys, Publisher’s Clearinghouse, or the next door neighbor wanting to borrow a cup of sugar. And this season’s unexpected knock was no exception.

Ali opens the door to find Chris Harrison. Pleasantly surprised by what seems to be a drop-in, Ali and Poppa Harrison embrace and exchange pleasantries. We knew he wasn’t there just for a pre-date pep-talk when he suggests they have a seat on the couch. No good conversation begins by someone suggesting you have a seat on the couch. Chris Harrison opens by telling Ali that it’s been brought to the producer’s attention that a contestant on the show has not been truthful. Cut to Ali’s look of shock and horror. Chris goes on to say that he’s personally checked into the story and it’s indeed true. Cut to Ali’s look of shock and horror. Chris then tells Ali that one of the guys has a girlfriend and has been secretly contacting her throughout the entire taping. Cut to Ali’s look of shock and horror. And then he tells her the two-timing man-floozy is none other than R-Rated. Cut to Ali’s look of semi-relief upon hearing its no one good like Sexy Roberto or Cape Cod Chris. After venting about her disappointment, Poppa Harrison informs Ali that he has the phone number for R-Rated’s girlfriend back home in Canada, Jessica. So, the two huddle around what looks to be a rotary dial telephone waiting for Jessica to answer the phone. A good 12 rings later, Jessica and her glorious Canadian accent pick up. Ali cuts to the chase and asks Jessica if R-Rated is her boyfriend. Jessica tells us that she and R-Rated have been shaking their maple leafs together for the past two years. He told Jessica that he only wanted to do the show to further is entertainment wrestling career and just wanted to make it to the top three. For some reason Jessica supported his scheme and even helped him buy suits to wear on the show. A tearful Jessica goes on to say that R-Rated has been calling and texting her, letting her know that when he’s back home the two will get married. Ali has heard all she needs to hear and thanks Jessica for the inside information. She hangs up the phone and tells Chris Harrison she wants to confront R-Rated on his shady shenanigans.

Ali bursts into the guy’s suite and takes a seat almost directly in front of R-Rated. She begins by addressing the group as a whole, saying she knows it’s been a stressful and difficult journey. And then the “oh no she didn’t moment.” She glares R-Rated in the eye and says, “This must be especially hard for you Justin since you have a girlfriend at home. In Canada.” Knowing he’s aboot to get the boot, Justin and his bum leg race out the door, down the stairs, through some shrubbery, and into a parking lot. Ali chases after him and but waits for him to compose himself. He saunters back to where she’s sitting but never gives her more than a shaky apology. After he offers her his wadded up rose back, she tells him he’s free to go and as they show him limping away onto the streets of Istanbul they play some saved voicemails he left on Jessica’s cell phone. Suave.

After that fiasco Ali has a one-on-one date with Tennessee Ty, who does not have a side piece waiting on him in Canada. Ali and Ty go to a Turkish bathhouse where they wrap up in plaid towels and massage each other. The two talk and laugh and kiss until dinner time. During their romantic dinner Ali probes more into the demise of Ty’s first marriage. Ty tells us that he grew up with a stay-at-home mother and father that worked outside the house to bring home the bacon. Apparently things didn’t settle so well with Ty when his first wife still wanted to focus on her career despite becoming Mrs. Tennessee Ty. He tells Ali that he’s changed and matured since his divorce and now knows that “they can become lawyers, and CEOs and doctors.” “They?” I do hope he realizes he’s on a date with of “them.” Somehow Tennessee Ty gets the date rose. I was really hoping Ali was going to press him on is progressive views on feminism. He really should write a book.

Next up was a group date that had the guys olive oil wrestling. I didn’t really care who was on this date as long a Sexy Roberto and his magnificent abs were on display. Each bachelor was paired with a professional Turkish olive oil wrestler and the winners would then wrestle each other. I don’t remember who did all that well because I kept wanting to dip pieces of warm bread into Roberto’s muscle crevices. I’ve had a hankering for Olive Garden ever since. Surprisingly, Lawyer Craig was the event’s champion and he won a one-on-one date with Ali. She took him on a dinner cruise and then to a lookout point where they watched a firework show. The date looked enjoyable enough, but it seems the only sparks flying were the ones in the sky.

The next day Ali takes Frank on another one-on-one. They spend the afternoon shopping at an open market and play dress up in a costume shop. Ali surprises Frank by trying on a noisy, purple belly-dancer number. I wanted to slip into something like that to surprise my boyfriend on his birthday, but that store closes at 5:30 and I don’t get off work til 6. After their Turkish shopping-spree they have dinner on what looks to be a table floating on water. Ali tells Frank that their relationship scares her because she can’t control who she loves and if he’ll love her back. He must’ve convinced her that they’re on the same page because he was awarded the evening’s date rose.

Ali decides to opt out of the next night’s cocktail party. She tells Chris Harrison that her mind is made up and she doesn’t want to put the guys through a party if she already knows who she’s sending home. Despite his efforts in olive oil wrestling, Lawyer Craig did not make this week’s cut. Remaining we have Frank, Sexy Roberto, Cape Cod Chris, Kirk and Tennessee Ty. With five guys left that means one more round tillHome Town Dates!

Next week we learn of yet another secret one of Ali’s suitors has been keeping when she takes the brood to Portugal.

Week 5 "I enjoy Mexican food"

2010-06-30T12:11:00.000-04:00

Well, now we know what caused the Icelandic volcano to erupt earlier this year; the Bachelorette visited Iceland. Mother Nature is actually revolting against reality TV dating shows. Thousands of stranded international travelers, you now have Ali to thank.

The week in Iceland began with a one-on-one date with Scrapbook Kirk. Ali took Kirk on a shopping tour around Reykjavik where they bought matching sweaters, toboggans, and pair of conjoined mittens. I bet Kirk was hoping to stumble across a scrapbook store so he could get to work on his Iceland page ASAP. After the shopping spree, the sweatered sweethearts sat down for some coffee talk. Kirk opened up to Ali about his dating history and we learn that he’s never been in a relationship that’s lasted longer than a year. Ali finds this fact a little worrisome and wonders if he’s ready to be in something as long-term as “til death do you part.” Kirk also tells Ali about some medical issues he dealt with while in college. Apparently co-ed Kirk lived in a condemned shantytown where the walls were made completely of black mold and asbestos and he had to shower with sewer water. University housing has really improved! Ali’s expression during this conversation conveyed one of panic as she must’ve been wondering about the condition of his current living situation. Comforted by the fact that being the Bachelorette will earn her a hefty sum off appearances and interviews and she’ll be able to afford a sanitary living space, Ali awarded Kirk the date rose and then offered him a squirt of Purell.

The next day Ali organized a group date where she took the guys horseback riding through the snow. As the date’s resident cowboy, this was Tennessee Ty’s time to shine. From adjusting saddles to hoisting people onto their horses, Ty was like effin’ John Wayne blazing the Icelandic tundras. After an afternoon of horse play, the group settled in for a night of hot tubbing. Ty was the first to be pulled away for some alone time with Ali. Ty confesses that he’s starting to have strong feelings for Ali and as she compliments his horseback riding skills, he leans in for a hot and steamy kiss. Ride a cowboy indeed! Ali also gets alone time with Frank, Sexy Roberto, and Cape Cod Chris. And by alone time, I mean make-out sessions.

Meanwhile, back at the Boy Scout meeting, a date card arrives for R-Rated and Kreepy Kasey. Both gentlemen have been invited to join Ali for the season’s first two-on-one date. Let the scheming commence! R-Rated’s first mission was to get his cast off before the date. Note to self, if I should ever need an emergency cast removal, get thee to Iceland. That Icelandic doctor didn’t ask a single question or even gather R-Rated’s medical history. He just fired up that chainsaw-like instrument and started cutting. Once his massive entertainment wresting leg was free, R-Rated dumped his crutches in the trashcan and went back to the hotel to slick back his hair before the evening’s date. Kasey’s tactic for the date remained unchanged; continue to be your creepy self and show Ali the rose tattoo. Ali picks her dates up in a helicopter where they fly over Eyjafjallajökull, the lava-spewing volcano. From there, they land on a giant glacier where they dine on strawberries and champagne and sit on ice sculptures. During her alone time with Kasey, she asks him if he thought about what she said on their last date about the genuineness of his gestures. And with that Kreeps pulls up his shirtsleeve and shows Ali the tattoo. Stunned and silently already deciding to send him packing, Ali tells Kasey she is glad he found this apparent tattoo-worthy experience so profound. Ultimately and unshockingly, she gives R-Rated the date rose and leaves Kasey alone on the glacier with his rose tattoo. Because Kasey was such an integral and interesting aspect to the show, especially his songs, here is a little ditty I’d like to dedicate to Kreeps.
(Sung in the key of ‘off.’)

You just wanted to guard and protect her heart from all the other dudes
But you kept singing creepy songs and then got a rose tattoo.
Now she’s left you on a glacier in the middle Iceland
As she flies away in a helicopter into the arms of another man.

The next night is the rose ceremony and we finally get some alone time with the strangely elusive Chris N. Last post I predicted that this would be the week Chris N. would come out of his shell and sweep Ali off her feet. Would you mind passing the salt and pepper, I must eat my words. Trying to find his personality pulse, Ali asks Chris what is guiltiest pleasure would be. After moments of silence, Chris responds by saying, “Mexican food.” Needless to say this burrito-loving bachelor did not receive a rose. During his ride on the reject limo, Chris tells us he’s “at a loss for words.” Never a truer statement has been uttered in the history of “The Bachelor” franchise.

Next week we will learn with of the remaining suitors has a girlfriend and who Ali is dramatically chasing down that winding staircase.

Week 4: "To guard and protect your heart"

2010-06-21T21:26:00.000-04:00

This week the bachelorette and her brood of dudes left the sunny shores of California to take a bite out of the Big Apple. But biting wasn’t the only thing going on in the city that never sleeps. There was also lots kissing, cuddling, dancing, and tattooing. Naturally.

First up on the NYC itinerary is a one-on-one date with Kreepy Kasey. This is Kreep’s first visit to New York so Ali wants to make sure he sees one of the city’s most famous attractions, the Natural History Museum. Personally, I think she should’ve taken him to Rikers Island because I’m pretty sure he has a body parts nailed to his floorboards. But I’ve never been on a date in New York, so I guess the Natural History Museum is a better choice. The museum is open just for Ali and Kasey and the pair runs around like school children on a second grade field trip pretending the dinosaur bones are going to come to life and the stuffed monkeys are going to eat them. Like I said, I’ve never dated in New York City, so maybe that’s a hip thing to do on dates; run around like children and scream like monkeys. That certainly explains why Carrie Bradshaw was single for so long. Those crazy “Sex and the City” broads wasted too much time going to trendy clubs! A one-on-one date wouldn’t be complete without a pile of pillows to lounge on and glasses of champagne to sip. So, as Ali and Kreepy Kasey cozy in for some chit-chat, Kreeps starts to serenade his date with an original song. Kasey doesn’t exactly have the talking voice of an angel so his singing made nails on a chalkboard seem positively melodic. I kept waiting for “American Idol’s” Randy Jackson to jump out from behind the scenes and yell, “You’re a little pitchy, dawg.” As if the singing didn’t win Ali’s heart, Kreeps decides to profess his love for her after a mere four weeks. Afraid that Kasey isn’t being 100% sincere, Ali is hesitant about giving him the date rose but isn’t quite ready to send him back to the loony-bin. So, Kasey gets a stay of execution and chance to prove his genuineness.

The next night Ali takes the boys to Broadway for a chance to perform on the Great White Way. The guys competed against one another for a spot in “The Lion King.” I must say, Man Cub Jesse has a set of pipes on him! Who knew people from Montana sang so well! But Sexy Roberto had the wherewithal to actually sing to Ali, so he was chosen to make his Broadway debut alongside our Bachelorette. The debut, which involved leotards and wire cables, occurred during the musical’s final number. The two were suspended in the air and turned tricks as they hovered above the audience. Again, I’ve never dated in New York…

The next day was Cape Cod Chris’ birthday which automatically earned him a one-on-one date. Well-played, birthday boy! Unfortunately, Ali wasn’t feeling well and decided they would just hang out in her suite instead of going on the date she had planned in the city. Like the sweetheart that Cape Cod is proving to be, he brings our beleaguered bachelorette some chicken noodle soup and a bouquet of flowers. After a few hours of lounging in Ali’s deathbed, she decides to rally for his birthday and the two hit the town for dinner. She surprises the birthday boy with a lobster feast and a phone call home to the Cape so he can talk to his father. After dinner, Ali and Chris head up to the roof for a private performance by a guy I had never head of and while they slow danced in the moonlight, she offered him the date rose and a goodnight kiss.

Meanwhile, over on Brokeback Mountain, Kreepy Kasey has been MIA. Was he off taking voice lessons? On a killing spree? Shopping at H&M? If you guessed getting a rose tattoo on his wrist, you are correct! Kreeps returned with a bandage on his wrist and tall-tale about getting a second degree burn. R-Rated’s mom obviously didn’t raise no fool, because he questioned the story the minute Kasey walked in the door. At that night’s cocktail party Kreeps decided to come clean with his whereabouts and shows the other guys his new tat – a rose protected by a shield. Ed Hardy eat your bedazzled heart out. Lawyer Craig earned the quote of the night when he told Kreeps, “You’re going to be remembered as the guy from the Bachelorette that got a tattoo.” Hey, we all need to make a name for ourselves…

Tensions were high during the evening’s rose ceremony. The Weatherman was especially worried about his fate as he didn’t get much time alone with Ali this week. Frank was also fretting about getting rose as he feared their initial connection was starting to wane. Sexy and Cape Cod were both safe as they had received date roses. Scrapbook Kirk, Tennessee Ty, Lawyer Craig, R-Rated, Frank, and Chris N. all made it safely to next week. And so we say a tearful good bye to Man Cub Jesse and The Weatherman. Now, we have yet to hear a peep from this Chris N. character. He’s so mysterious! I wonder what the N stands for? I don’t even have a nickname for him. Were all his scenes left on the cutting room floor? Is he the dark horse of the season? I have a feeling that he may be soon become a forerunner and ABC has been playing mind tricks, distracting us with crutches, and tattoos and weathermen. Chis N. is obviously where it’s at.

Week 3- "Not many guys make me feel nervous"

2010-06-08T16:06:00.003-04:00

It was a week of firsts on last night’s episode of “The Bachelorette.” The Weatherman gets his first kiss, Ali sends her first suitor home after a one-on-one, and Man Cub Jesse is the first to wear a denim shirt to a rose ceremony. This episode should be dipped in bronze and sent to the National Archives Museum.

Ali gets things started with a one-on-one date with Sexy Roberto. Roll them r’s! A helicopter swoops down and lifts Ali and Roberto up into the skies for a scenic flight over Los Angeles. But a cuddle-copter ride isn’t the sole purpose of their date. Ali has something far more adventurous in mind, like tightrope walking followed by a romantic dinner. The pair strap on harnesses, helmets, and matching Chuck Taylors and begin their delicate trek across the skyline. At the halfway mark Sexy Roberto turns toward Ali and steadily goes in for a kiss 20 stories above the LA freeway. They make it safely to the adjacent rooftop where they then enjoy a candlelit dinner and a beautiful California sunset. Needless to say, Sexy Roberto was offered and accepted the date rose. Muy caliente!

The next afternoon Ali takes several of the guys on a group date to be in a music video for Barenaked Ladies’ newest single. The recession has certainly not hurt the group date industry. I remember when “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” group dates were simple trips to the zoo, amusement parks, or just sitting in a hot tub. ABC is shelling out the big bucks this season to bring in 90’s rock bands. Frank’s scene with Ali is first on the agenda and much to his chagrin, Ali is to slap him across the face in their scene, which takes nine takes to perfect. Scrapbook Kirk gets a bedroom scene with Ali and tells her, “I don’t even care if the cameras are rolling.” Hm, sounds like someone may have an interesting hobby. The Weatherman also has an intimate scene with Ali where he must sneak up on her and kiss her. The Weatherman’s a nervous wreck about the kiss and at one point starts to cry, or maybe he’s just rainy. But, Ali calms his nerves when she plants a passionate kiss on him unexpectedly. And The Weatherman cometh!

Next up for Ali is a one-on-one date with Texas Hunter. We haven’t heard much from Hunter so far, so this date is clutch for him to stay in the game. While Hunter’s getting prepped for the evening, R-Rated decides to take matters into his own hands, or shall we say cast, and goes to visit Ali at her mansion a few miles up the road. R-Rated hobbles along the freeway for nearly two hours so he can score some alone time with the bachelorette. Ali seems shocked yet genuinely surprised that R-Rated walked, on crutches, just to visit her. She obviously hasn’t dated enough dudes with broken legs. The two sit on the couch and look at R-Rated’s family pictures and talk about their families. Then it’s time for Ali to head back to frat house and exchange him for Hunter.

Ali and Hunter have a chill first date at her mansion where they grill hamburgers and share awkward silences in the hot tub. Trying hard to find a romantic connection, Ali senses that Hunter just isn’t the husband of her reality show dreams and decides she must send him back to Texas.

The next night at the cocktail party while canoodling with Roberto, Ali lets it slip that R-Rated surprised her with a house call. Once Ali is swept away by another suitor, Roberto tells some of the other guys about R-Rated’s roadtrip and that has everyone convinced he’s here for the wrong reasons. But Ali must think otherwise and R-Rated is given the final rose of the episode. And so we say goodbye to Steve and John C. Yeah, I didn’t know who they are either.

Tune in next week when Kreepy Kasey gets creepier and The Weatherman gets his debut on Broadway.

Week 2- "I'm dating 17 guys!"

2010-06-01T19:47:00.004-04:00

Ali is dating 17 guys this week. Sounds like me in college, plus or minus a few. Mainly minus a few. Maybe minus 17. But basically, that was totally me in college so I can definitely relate to having a multitude of beaux clamoring my affections. This was a very sentimental episode for me.

The clamoring contender to get the coveted first one-on-one date with Ali is Aspiring Screenwriter Frank from Illinois. Ali picks Frank up in a vintage powder blue convertible and takes him to Hollywood’s walk of fame. While checking out all the star’s stars, Ali is bombarded by “Bachelore/ette” fans/tourists asking for autographs and pictures. The recession has truly hit everyone. Those are some hard-up tourists settling for Bachelorette Ali’s John Hancock on their Hard Rock Café lunch receipts. Kate Gosselin could’ve at least thrown them a bone and dropped a hairweave or a kid on the sidewalk during her march to the tanning salon.
Meanwhile, at the Sausage Factory, Lawyer Craig from Philadelphia gets into a heated discussion with R-Rated Justin about his true intentions for being on the show. Because he’s an “entertainment wrestler,” Lawyer Craig feels that R-Rated Justin is “here for the wrong reasons.” For the love of Chris Harrison! Every season we hear this exact same argument. Every season someone is accused of “being here for the wrong reasons.” Every season someone is an “aspiring/professional/amateur” something-or-other. And guess what – not a one has been “discovered” from being on “The Bachelor/ette.” So, Lawyer Craig and future “Bachelorette” contestants, trust me, being a contestant isn’t going to further your career, unless your boss is looking to hire a shirtless douche.

Back on the date, Ali takes Frank up a dirt trail that leads to the famous Hollywood sign overlooking the city. Cozily situated between the two L’s, Ali asks Frank about his screenwriting career and move to Paris. I’m not totally convinced Frank actually moved to Paris. Maybe this ambiguous “move to Paris” was actually to Paris, Kentucky or Paris, Tennessee and he never bothers to correct anyone that assumes Paris, France. He claims he “lived” in “Paris” for barely a month and never learned to speak French. So, Frank basically went to “Paris” once on vacation and now he folds cargo shorts as the manager of American Eagle in the suburbs and at night he writes out his pent-up teen angst in hopes of becoming the next Howard Hughes. But Ali gives Frank the first kiss of the season, and a rose, on top of that Hollywood hill and gives us reason to believe he could be the leading man of her dreams. Barf. I went there.

The next day Ali takes her brood of boyfriends on a group date to Malibu for a calendar photo shoot on the beach. Again, that sounds just like dates I went on in college. I was so progressive for the early naughts. Like an explosion of Ed Hardy models, the guys bound out of the limo to greet our bachelorette. Some highlights from the photo shoot include Canadian Craig and his great head of hair, Tennessee Ty who played guitar during his modeling sesh, and Jonathan the Weatherman conquering his fear of Speedos. Tennessee Ty cowboys up and is the first to steal Ali away for some alone time. He has a semi-serious conversation with Ali about his previous marriage, but I couldn’t concentrate much for being distracted by that scorpion necklace hanging around his neck. Tennessee Ty needs to follow the words of Coco Chanel and always take off two things before leaving the frat house. But that scorpion could be his good luck charm because he was given the date rose and advances to the next round. Just as Tennessee Ty was hoping to make his move, The Weatherman and his white leather jacket walk in and interrupt. After a bumbling rant of compliments, The Weatherman warns Ali about shit storm Canadian Craig that hopes to make its way south. Ali seems grateful for his prediction and walks with him hand in hand to meet up with her other boyfriends.

Back at the Man Cave, the leftovers receive the next one-on-one date card. This date goes to Jesse from Peculiar, Montana. Jesse is given a pair of cuff-links to wear on the date and as he’s admiring them he discloses that the suit he brought to wear on the show is the first suit he’s ever owned. Aw, 24 year old man cubs are so cute when they buy their first suits! Ali takes Man Cub Jesse on a private jet to the fabulous Las Vegas. The duo takes a dip in Liquid Pool and we get a chance to check out Man Cub’s abdominals and ink. After an afternoon at the pool, Man Cub gets to put that new suit to use and meets up with Ali for a romantic dinner. The two get to know a little more about each other and Ali decides to give Man Cub Jesse the date rose.

At this week’s Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party Cape Cod Chris, Sexy Roberto, and Kreepy Kasey get their first alone time of the episode. All was going well for these patient bachelors until Frank and his aspiring screenwriter lips come over to steal Ali away for a make-out session. Then shit storm Canadian Craig makes landfall for an awkward chit-chat where he finds out that one of the guys called him “dangerous.” I think that’s the first time in history that anyone from Canada has been referred to as “dangerous.” Oh, Canada! But shit storm Canadian Craig moved out pretty quickly as he didn’t receive rose. The Weatherman, however, made it to another week and hopes for clear skies from here on out.

Tune in next week when R-Rated Justin pays Ali an unexpected visit and Sexy Roberto goes tight-rope walking in the name of love.

Bring on the Boys: Bachelorette Episode One

2010-05-25T01:23:00.001-04:00

And so we meet again. Welcome back, Bachelor fans! Over the next seven weeks we’ll follow Bachelorette Ali as she splashes in a hot tub with 25 eligible bachelors as they vie for a rose and a life-long commitment. If all goes as the producers plan, Ali will find the love of her life and plan an extravagant wedding just in time for November sweeps.

As if the “The Bachelorette” promos ever gave us a chance to forget, tonight’s episode began with a re-cap of when we last saw Bachelorette Ali. As you recall, Ali exited “The Bachelor” early as she was forced to choose between love and her career. Second-guessing her decision to chose “a computer screen and a mouse over true love,” Ali has since quit her job, moved out of her apartment and will devote the next few weeks of her life on finding a husband. Maybe Solicitor General Elena Kagan should follow suit and quit the Supreme Court confirmation hearing and devote some serious time to finding a husband. There’s really no other way to squash the rumors. “The Bachelorette: From Gavel to Wedding Gown” coming this fall to ABC.

After we’re all caught up with Ali, we get to meet her bevy of boys as they file out of the limo hoping to make a good first impression. Twenty-five men attempted to make such impression, but very few succeeded. I do not envy Bachelorette Ali, to put it mildly. We meet Frank the aspiring screenwriter from Chicago. We all know “aspiring screenwriter” is just the politically correct term for “Chili’s bartender that lives in his parent’s basement and owns a Mac.” Then there’s Jay, the personal injury lawyer from Rhode Island. Jay might have made it past the first round had not looked like he was always on the lurch for an ambulance to chase. Justin from Canada was one of the most memorable men of the evening. Justin is what they, in the biz, call an “entertainment wrestler.” And his “entertainment wrestling” name is R-Rated. Justin broke his ankle while “entertainment wrestling” and must hobble on crutches from the limo to our beautiful bachelorette. Ali seems to be somehow smitten by R-Rated and makes us wonder if the two will be able to keep it PG in future episodes.

Roberto and his sexy accent received the first impression rose, or as me, in the biz, call it the FIR. Who knew Ali was such a sucker for salsa dancing and text book Spanish? If these other schmucks had only twirled her around a little and counted to ten in another language they, too, would have had a rose to accept. Kirk from Wisconsin on the other hand has the ladies all figured out. He made a scrapbook and presented it to Ali during their alone time. Kirk’s scrapbook, complete with decorative stickers and dye-cuts, showcased his friends and family members and his creepiness.

Speaking of creepy, Kasey from California gives me the closeted serial-killer vibe. He has that clean-cut, boy next door look that no one would suspect him of having body parts in is deep freeze. He keeps telling Ali that “no matter what he’ll always guard her heart.” And he’ll “always open a door and get a glass of wine for a woman.” Yeah, open the door to your creepy dungeon basement and offer a glass of chardonnay laced with strychnine. Or maybe I just watch too much “48 Hours Mystery.”

Though I don’t believe he’ll be a frontrunner, my favorite boy of the bunch would have to be Jonathan the weatherman from Houston. Despite looking like a Men’s Warehouse poster child in a lime green dress shirt and matching tie, his jokes were clever and he genuinely made Ali (and me) laugh. And he got a rose. Derrick, also known by his nickname Shooter, did not receive a rose. For those of you that watched and know how he earned his nickname, his moniker lives on as he prematurely leaves the show.

And so our blushing bachelorette has whittled her suitors down to 15. By looks of the this season’s previews are we in for a good show complete with a chase down a winding staircase, a call to 911, and lots of cuddling in blankets. Monday nights are the new black.

Coming Soon: The Bachelorette!

2010-03-24T22:40:00.002-04:00

Check back for recaps of "The Bachelorette" with Ali, coming in May!

Final Rose!!

2010-03-03T12:04:00.002-05:00

Bachelor Jake popped a knee and asked Vienna for her hand in marriage. This was the first season in Bachelor history that my pick didn’t win the engagement ring. It’s like I don’t even know who I am anymore… I’ll stop before I break out in a Hamlet-esque soliloquy.

The Final Rose episode picked up with our love triangle in St. Lucia. Bachelor Jake’s family made the trek to paradise to meet Vienna and Tenley in hopes to help him make his decision. He explains to his brothers and sisters-in-law that he’s fallen completely in love with both women. I for one would love to know that the night before my future fiancé proposes to me that he’s also completely in love with another woman. Nothing says “You complete me” quite like that.

Tenley is the first to meet Bachelor Jake’s family. Looking like an Ann Taylor ad, Tenley walks in with a beautiful bouquet for Momma Bachelor and adorable hugs for the rest of the family. Momma then takes Tenley aside for some girl talk. She tells Tenley, “After Jim is gone, it’s important for me to know that you and Jake will help hold the family together.” I’m not exactly sure why Momma Bachelor went there but for some reason I hope old Jim keeps tabs on his life insurance policy and sleeps with one eye open.

Tenley then brings up her absolute favorite subject; her divorce. Tenley’s divorce has played a big role this season. I think she’s mentioned it nearly every time she’s opened her mouth. So, here’s a little ode to Tenley’s Divorce. Enjoy!

There once was a girl on the Bachelor
That wanted to live happily ever after
But she talked too much of her divorce
And her ex-husband, of course
So away the Bachelor did cast her.

Next it’s time for Daddy Bachelor to have a word with Tenley. And what a softie old Jim turned out to be! He couldn’t get through the conversation without tearing up. He tells us, “Tenley would be a great fit for our family. I feel that I’ve probably met my future daughter-in-law today.” Daddy Jim, how precious are you! If you were to update your Facebook status with that statement, I’d like.

After wowing the family, Tenley and Bachelor Jake jump into the pool fully clothed. In what ended up looking like a baptism scene from “Big Love,” the rest of family followed suit and they all huddled up for a group hug. I’m glad my family just enjoys handshakes.

The next day the family is introduced to Vienna. Looking like a Wet Seal ad, Vienna greets Bachelor Jake’s family with dark roots and awkward silences. Over brunch Vienna tells sister-in-law Laura that she and Tenley are very different mainly because she’s not a “robot.” Vienna, no one would mistake you for a robot. Robots are way classier. After a mother-Bachelor chat, we learn that Momma sees red flags when it comes to Vienna. Worried that she’ll be confrontational with the other sisters-in-law and with Jake, Momma encourages her baby Bachelor to think about how she may act down the road.

The sisters-in-law then get some alone time to talk to Vienna. She tells them that Bachelor Jake brings out the best in her and she wants to spend the next 80 years of her life with him. It’s true, hair extensions are expected to live well into their hundreds. Long live Vienna!

Then, in what looked like a visit to the principal’s office, Momma Bachelor pulls Vienna aside for a talking to. She tells Vienna how important it is she gets along with the other women in the family. So she better not be pulling the same stunts she pulled in the mansion, Momma Bachelor ain’t putting up with it! Surprisingly, the date ends on a happy note and Vienna is welcomed into Bachelor Jake’s family.

The next day Bachelor Jake takes Vienna to a sulfur spring. Only Vienna could turn a romantic afternoon of relaxing into a dirty game of finger paint. The puke-inducing moment of the episode would be when Vienna wrote “I love you” in the mud across Bachelor Jake’s ripped, bare chest. That sounded kind of hot actually. Maybe I should start writing smut novels…

Bachelor Jake and Vienna then meet up for a candlelit evening of lying around on pillows. Vienna also uses the evening to present Bachelor Jake with her “Daddy I Won’t Elope Anymore” ring. As a sign that she’s ready to take their relationship to the next level and be engaged, Vienna gives Bachelor Jake her quasi-promise ring in hopes that in return he’ll give her that princess-cut rock at the finish line/final rose ceremony. I hear that since this episode aired, Kay’s Jewelers is already plumb out of “Daddy I Won’t Elope Anymore” rings. Bachelor Jake also takes this opportunity to ask Vienna what it was like being married for just three weeks. He has very valid reasons for asking Vienna this question. Statistically, the odds are heavily stacked against any Bachelor engagement ever materializing into a marriage. Bachelor Jake was merely seeking her advice on how to handle things when their own engagement dissolves in three weeks. Smart.

The next day Bachelor Jake meets up with Tenley for a boat ride around St. Lucia. The date looks like it should be enjoyable with the snorkeling and underwater frolicking, but something seems to be amiss with our Bachelor. When Tenley asks Bachelor Jake what’s wrong, he first tells her he’s just tired. (Vienna) After a little more prodding, Bachelor Jake tells Tenley that he feels their physical connection is progressing very slowly. Just because she isn’t willing to swing from the rafters like Vienna doesn’t mean there isn’t any “heat,” as Tenley adorably put it. After their day in the sun Bachelor Jake meets up with Tenley for dessert, wine, and more explaining himself. I don’t feel like he ever makes it clear to Tenley what’s bothering him about their physical relationship. The two seem to make up though as they open up a bottle of champagne and take it to the bedroom. Tenley presents Bachelor Jake with a shadow box of memories from some of their dates. Guys dig anything scrapbook related, so I’m sure it wasn’t the gift that knocked Tenley out of the running.

The next day jeweler Neil Lane drops in on Bachelor Jake to show him some engagement ring options. At this point Bachelor Jake is still in limbo trying to decide which woman to propose to. So, he picks a ring for both Vienna and Tenley and continues to think about which woman he wants to marry as he puts on his final rose ceremony suit and paisley tie that reeked of JC Penny circa 1991.

The first helicopter to arrive is Tenley’s. As any true Bachelor fan knows, the first woman to arrive is the one he doesn’t pick. I have to hand it to Bachelor Jake for at least jumping right in and telling her she isn’t the one. Past Bachelors have said too much to the runner up and the poor woman ends up in total shock and hysterics. I think Tenley knew as soon he started talking that it wasn’t going to go her way. I applaud the way she handled herself, but wish she would have thanked him a little less. He is, after all, dumping her on national television. As Jake walks Tenley to the reject limo he tells her he’ll never forget her and Tenley asks,”Why are you saying goodbye to me then?” He should’ve probably just kept his mouth shut. There is nothing any Bachelor could ever say in this moment to soften the blow of being broken with and then to turn around minutes later and propose to another woman. With bad hair extensions. And with a name like Vienna.

And then the moment we’ve been waiting for all season – Ali is named the next Bachelorette! Oh, yeah and Jake asked Vienna to marry him. Yadda, yadda, yadda. She won the engagement ring. Yadda, yadda, yadda. And my streak of picking winners is over. Yadda.

So, “The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love” has permanently landed and what a beautiful ride it’s been for Bachelor Jake and Vienna. Personally, I’ve needed to reach for my barf bag a few times. See you in May as we join Ali on her quest to find a husband.

Women Tell All!

2010-02-24T12:09:00.000-05:00

Next to the Fourth of July, March Madness, and my birthday, the “Women Tell All” episode is my favorite time of year. For those of you unfortunately unfamiliar with this television phenomenon, allow me. This is an episode that reunites all the bachelorettes for a delightful evening of sound arguments, rational behavior, and balanced emotions as they face the bachelor that rejected them on national television.

But before we get the chance to witness this magical mass reunion, ABC decided to update us on the lives of Bachelor and Bachelorette alumni. We catch up with contestants of past seasons partying in Las Vegas, on cruise ships, and at someone’s backyard pool. I’m glad to see they have used “The Bachelor” as a springboard to continue their meaningful livelihood of hot-tub make-outs and shot taking. Bachelor alum, thanks for keeping Whirlpool and Smirnoff in business.

Chris Harrison wasted no time setting the tone for the night’s episode by saying, “You start out with 25 well-adjusted women, throw a handsome man into the mix and everything gets a little crazy.” Decked out in sparkly cocktail dresses and lathered in lip gloss, we’re reintroduced to the bachelorettes from this season and the telling-all begins. The first topic up for discussion was Vienna. Country Ella tells us the main reason the other sister-wives didn’t like her was because of her age and immature behavior. Vienna is 23 and presumably among the youngest of contestants. Her age? That was your biggest beef with Human Hair Extensions? What about the fact that she’s person made completely out of hair extensions? Gia stands up for Vienna and says, “Sure, she may not think before she talks, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve love with a good man.” You know what Gia, maybe you’re right. I’ve been a little harsh on Vienna this season. Hair Extensions are apparently people, too and she does deserve love and marriage. And the chance to have little hair weaves of her own someday.

The next tell-all topic of the evening was Rozzzzlyn. As you recall Rozzzlyn was asked to leave to show after allegedly hooking it up with one of the producers. Since the MOST SHOCKING SCANDAL IN BACHELOR HISTROY broke there has been much speculation as to what - or shall we say - who went down. Rozzzzlyn has denied the allegations on every respectable news outlet on cable television. (i.e. Inside Edition and Entertainment Tonight) But, according to the ladies on the show, Bachelorgate was no producer-planned ploy to pump ratings. We’re told that Rozzzlyn often spent the night away from her bedroom and was spotted by several of the other contestants cuddling with Said Producer on the couch. Rozzzlyn then took to the hot seat to tell her side of the story.

Dressed in shiny purple wrapping paper, Rozzzlyn joined Chris Harrison on stage for the most bizarre interview since Joaquin Phoenix on Letterman. She tells Poppa Harrison that she and Said Producer were friends and met when he came to her hometown to shoot footage before “The Bachelor” started taping. Rozzzlyn vehemently maintained that nothing went on between the two and they were simply good friends. Their friendship apparently blossomed into a beautiful secret affair where the star-crossed lovers were spied meeting up in hallways and stairwells for hush-hush rendezvous. We learn that after Said Producer got his walking papers and Rozzzlyn was sent packing, he visited her back home in North Carolina. With his dad. Looks like Rozzzlyn got a Hometown Date after all. Chris Harrison doesn’t mask his disappointment in the ex-coworker and tells us “The Bachelor” crew has done this show successfully for nine years without such an incident. Rozzzlyn retorts by saying, “Interesting, because he said you flirted with his wife in New Zealand last season.” Two points I’d like to make:

1.) No one talks to Poppa Harrison like that. No one.
2.) WTF? Said Producer was married?

Rozzzlyn wears me out. Moving on.

Ali is next up in the hot-seat. I’m surprised her demanding job gave her the time off to join us for Women Tell All. She must have been on her Blackberry sending e-mails during the commercial breaks. Buy copper! Buy copper! Ali tells us that if she had it to do all over again she would have chosen love over her career. Fascinating. I know if I my boss heard me say on national television that I’d wish I had chosen the guy I met off a reality TV dating show instead of my job, I’d definitely be next in line to run to the company or at least get a promotion. Ali, I hope the key to your office worked Tuesday morning.

And then it was time to bring out the man of the hour, Bachelor Jake. Gracious as can be, Bachelor Jake thanks all his former flings for doing the show and sharing so many special moments with him. He assures us that he’s happy with the final outcome of the show and that it’s been a very real and incredible experience. Did that sound good? (Full disclosure: I got momentarily sucked into the ice dancing finals on the Olympics.) I did flip back in time to see the gag reel and the editors are leaving far too much on the cutting room floor. Some of those clips made Bachelor Jake seem almost funny.

Next week is the moment of truth. Who will our Bachelor choose for his bride? I’m still sticking with Tenley, but from the looks of the previews I’m starting to wonder if he even chooses at all…drama!

Week 7

2010-02-17T13:08:00.003-05:00

It was finally Fantasy Suite Date Night week – let the individual room-foregoing and vaginal trailblazing begin!

But before we’re able to join Bachelor Jake and his prospects in St. Lucia, we must first check in to see how poor Ali is coping with her decision to leave the show. We find her back home in San Francisco buried under a pile of used tissues, tear-streaked and bedridden, curled up with some glossies of Bachelor Jake. What a thoughtful parting gift, autographed pictures of the Bachelor. And did anyone else notice the clock on her bedside table – it read 6:05. PM. Ali, get a grip! You met him on a reality TV dating show. Get out of the bed and sign up with Match.com. It’s the only other truly respectable way to meet someone other than on “The Bachelor.”

While Ali drowns her sorrows with Little Debbie’s and Arbor Mist, we join Gia and Bachelor Jake at Pigeon Island in St. Lucia for the first Fantasy Date of the episode. Bachelor Jake takes Gia on a boat ride around the island and to a St. Lucian market. For some reason Bachelor Jake secretly thinks Gia is a stuck up priss and that St. Lucia is some third world country, so he wanted to see if she could handle being among the natives. Yes, because roaming the dangerous streets of touristy St. Lucia with the Bachelor and a camera crew in tow will definitely bring out one’s inner humanitarian. And what kind of slam was that against the wonderful people of St. Lucia? After drinking from coconuts and taking in several street performances, Bachelor Jake treats Gia to a heart shaped necklace made by a local artisan. Instead of wearing it around her neck, Gia wraps it around her wrist and tells us, “For the rest of my life I’ll wear this necklace on my wrist because I wear my heart on my sleeve for Jake.” I think the real reason she’s wearing it on her wrist is because it’s not from Tiffany. After surviving their day in the St. Lucian ghetto, Gia joins Bachelor Jake for a romantic dinner on the beach. Dressed all in sparkles, Gia tells Bachelor Jake that she’s never met a guy that knew what he wanted like he does. Time out. Gia, Bachelor Jake is on a fantasy vacation in St. Lucia with three different women trying to decide which one to marry on national television. That definitely isn’t the definition of knowing what you want. While snuggled in a hammock, or hemmock as our Bachelor called it, Jake presents Gia with the Fantasy Suite Card. After zero hesitation, the two decide to spend the night together and the individual rooms are foregone. Once the pair arrives at the suite they waste no time jumping into a bubble bath. And that’s all I’m going to say on that. Dudes in bubble baths make me want to reach for the knife drawer.

While Ali drowns her sorrows with Krispy Kreme donuts and box of Franzia, Bachelor Jake meets up with Tenley for his second Fantasy Date. They take a helicopter ride above the St. Lucian rainforests and then cozy up for a picnic at a plantation. The two talk about traveling, her ex-husband, family, her ex-husband, marriage and her ex-husband. Tenley, am I going to have to send you a muzzle? Ixnay on the exnay if you’re serious about winning this engagement ring. After the picnic they take a romantic walk along the black sand beach which naturally leads to a make-out session in the ocean. Later that night Tenley meets Bachelor Jake for dinner where she tells our Bachelor that she’s falling in love with him. He kisses her passionately and then asks her dance. And we all know what dancing gets you in the mood for. Bachelor Jake pulls the ‘ol Fantasy Suite Card out of his pocket and hands it to Tenley. She says she “wants every second” she can spend with him and thus foregoes her individual room. The Fantasy Suite is full of rose petals, candlelight and the promise of sweet sexytime with a beautiful yet soul-crushingly vapid young woman. Isn’t love grand?

While Ali drowns her sorrows with Cheetos and Jager, Vienna gets treated to the final Fantasy Date of the episode. Bachelor Jake decides to take Vienna on a pirate ship mainly because he knows he’ll get some booty. Unfortunately, the two seemed to have a great afternoon playing pirate and sadly, he never asked her to walk the plank. Arrrg! That night over yet another romantic beachside dinner, Vienna decides to go out on a limb and tell Bachelor Jake how she truly feels. She tells him she’s ready to be a wife, have children and most importantly wear more hair extensions. And for some reason Bachelor Jake responds by asking her what type of engagement ring she likes. She favors a princess cut as it turns out. Shocking. He then hands Vienna the Fantasy Suite Card. I was completely surprised Vienna knew how to read and not all surprised she forewent her individual room. Once they make it into the rose petal-laden Fantasy Suite, Vienna announces that she has a surprise for Bachelor Jake and retreats to the bathroom for a wardrobe change. Like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon, Vienna returns wearing the classy combination of a white teddy and black underwear. I have no idea what Bachelor Jake prefers when it comes to women’s underpinnings, so I hope this K-Mart special did it for him.

After all the Fantasy Dates have commenced and all the Fantasy Suits have been properly disinfected, we catch up with Bachelor Jake challaxin’ in his room when he gets a phone call. Now I had a few scenarios running through my mind when the phone rang.

A.) Vienna calling with her blood test results.
B.) Chris Harrison calling to see if it was ok to take off his HASMAT suit.
C.) Ali, hopped up on Twinkies and Jim Beam, calling to win him back.

For those of you playing along at home, it was Ali. Doing her best to convince Bachelor Jake she’s made the worst decision of her life, Ali tells him, “I know in my heart this is what I want and I hope you feel a little of what I feel.” Unless Ali also feels a burning, itching sensation, it doesn’t look like Bachelor Jake is feeling it with Ali. And so she remains in San Francisco to drown her sorrows in Hostess Cupcakes and vodka.

This episode’s rose ceremony was fairly predictable and I wish Chris Harrison had dubbed it as The Most Predictable Rose Ceremony Yet. Despite her fake bosom and fitness model physique, Gia was sent back to New York on the reject limo. And now that we’re down to two, the finish line to the engagement ring is almost in sight.

Week 6

2010-02-09T16:14:00.002-05:00

Full of drama, heartbreak and plenty of man tears, I give this season's Hometown Date Night episode two roses up!

Gia and Bachelor Jake got things started in New York city where they first took a cuddle cruise to Ellis Island. En route to see Lady Liberty, Gia tries to impress Bachelor Jake with her sexy modeling skillz. I hope Gia's ancestors that left the old country and survived the trek across the Atlantic are super impressed with how their American dream has come to fruition. Normally on the Hometown Date Night episode we are taken to the family homestead for a slice of life glimpse at how these crazy broads were brought up. Mom usually greets the Bachelor with open arms while Dad not only grills some steaks, but the Bachelor as well. Since MTV was using casa de Gia to film season two of "The Jersey Shore," we instead meet Gia's family for a nice Italian dinner at a restaraunt. We are introduced to Mama Gia and step-dad Tony. But my favorite member of Gia's familia has to be her step-brother Erick. The gold chains, the diamond stud in his ear, those frosted tips! Have I just discovered our next Bachelor? "The Bachelor: Bada-Bing, Bada-Boom, Bada-Rose," coming this fall to ABC.

We then travel to Williamstown, MA to visit Ali's family. I hope the city of San Francisco has been alerted that it wasn't Ali's actual hometown. I wouldn't want riots to break out on Lombard street. After frolicking in the colorful New England foliage, Ali tells Bachelor Jake about her deceased grandmother. Instead of simply sharing sweet memories, Ali decides to take our Bachelor on a ghost tour of grandma's house because apparently Ali must get the approval from the other side before she'll let Bachelor Jake meet her living relatives. Well, Gram's must have liked what she saw floating above the heavens, because Bachelor Jake asked Ali's mom for permission to propose!

Next we travel across the country to the Pacific Northwest to visit with Tenley and her family in Oregon. Surprisingly, this was Bachelor Jake's first visit to the beaver state. Bachelor Jake, you're a pilot. Does Air Sixpack not fly into PDX? Before meeting the family, Tenley takes Bachelor Jake to a dance studio where she tells him that her ex-husband never appericated her passion for dancing and says,"I want to show you the dance that's in my soul." I'm sorry, but if I were Bachelor Jake, I don't know if I'd want to see the dance inside someone's soul. But, if he must - I'm glad it's the dance within Tenley's. I'd be afraid of the bump and grind booty dance that would probably emerge from Vienna's. After the private performance, we join Tenley's adorable family for dinner where we meet her parents Rob and Beth. We all know that Tenley is my top pick for our Bachelor, but I'm a tinge worried that going through a divorce and becoming a finalist on The Bachelor all in the same year maybe pushing Tenley's emotional envelope. But, maybe Momma beth knows best. She tells Bachelor Jake, "If anybody is ready, it's Tenley." Family night in Oregon concludes with Bachelor Jake and Father Rob in a tearful embrace as he tells our Bachelor, ''I feel like I could give my blessing for Tenley to be with a person like you.''

And then we head down to the wonderful state of Florida to spend time with Vienna, her family, and her hair extensions. Vienna welcomes Bachelor Jake to the sunshine state with a pontoon river cruise near where she grew up. Along the way they encounter turtles, aligators and the truth about Vienna's previous marriage. Turns out after a secret elopement, Mr. and Mrs. Hair Extentions were married a mere 10 months before calling it quits. But, she swears she has matured since then and is ready for the "real thing." Its been hard to escape Vienna for the past few weeks as her hair extenions have graced the cover of nearly every celebrity gossip mag at the check out counter. So, if by "matured" she means got a boob job and did some nude calendar modeling, the yes, she's definitely matured. Vienna's father Vince greets Bachelor Jake at the door holding a chiuaua. Forget get saw-offed shot guns to scare the boy diddling your daughter, this is effin' Florida where they'll sic a chiuaua on your ass if you get outta line with a princess like Vienna. Over a dinner of fried gator tail, Daddy Vince learns that his baby Vienna is ''falling hard'' for Bachelor Jake. So, like every good Amurican father he feels it's his duty to take the Bachelor out to the garage to lecture him about what he expects from a future son-in-law. ''I've always treated my daughter just like a princess. That's how I expect her to be treated." I especially liked how Bachelor Jake's accent goes a bit south as he agreed to treat precious Vienna like like princess she was raised to be. For some reason Bachelor Jake seemed to enjoy his time in Florida and I'm afraid that Princess River Rat may be among our final two.

After a whirlwind of hometown dates, Bachelor Jakes and the final four head back to their hotel in L.A. to prepare for the next rose ceremony. We catch up with Bachelor Jake challaxin' in his room when he gets a knock at the door. Now I had a few scenarios running through my mind when I heard the knock.

A.) A jilted Jillian coming to finally confess her true love for Jake and hatred for men named Ed that wear short shorts
B.) Chris Harrison stopping by with hookers and blow
Or
C.) One of the remaining four breaking it to the Bachelor that she must choose between him or her career

A crying mess of an Ali comes to tell Bachelor Jake that her job is in jeopardy if she continues with the show. Hoping that Bachelor Jake will put on a ring on it right then and there, Ali wants our Bachelor's input. He tells her, "I can't right now guarantee you that I'm going to put a ring on your finger, but I can't look you in the eye and tell you that I'm not going to." And with that Ali melts to the floor in a puddle of tears.

That night at the rose ceremony as Chris Harrison greets the ladies, Ali interrupts and asks for a moment alone with Bachelor Jake. Poor Chris Harrison hasn't been able to make it through an entire rose ceremony all season without some sort of dramatic interruption. He escorts Ali to the Bachelor's Quarters where the two instantly entagle themselves on the couch. Hoping he'll give her the Final Rose guarantee, Ali tells Bachelor Jake, ''I came into this with everything I wanted in life except for you and there's a chance I could leave it with nothing.'' But Bachelor Jake couldn't promise that she'd win the engagement ring or star in the upcoming two-hour Bachelor Wedding special during sweeps. So, Ali decides she can't stay and boards the reject limo where she instantlly begins questioning her decision.

And so we're down to three; Gia, Tenley and Vienna. Tune in next week as Bachelor Jake takes the trio on fantasy dates in St. Lucia. Can't wait to see who decides to "forgo" the fantasy suite. My guess it won't be Vienna. She's been dying for some of the Bachelor's sausage...

Week 5

2010-02-03T00:12:00.003-05:00

Week 5 brings us the final five vying to be Bachelor Jake’s co-pilot of love. I would also like to acknowledge the fact the he gave out all the roses this week which gave Chris Harrison a night off from relationship counselor duty.

We meet up with the sister-wives back in the RV bound for San Francisco. San Francisco is home to the Golden Gate Bridge, the 49ers and the setting for “Full House,” but least we forget it’s also Ali’s hometown. San Francisco.gov should really think about adding her to their list of attractions. But this visit isn’t just exciting for Frisco Ali; it’s also a big day for Vienna who has never been to a big city before. Vienna, though I don’t think your tin-can and string phone will reach all the way down to Standford , Florida, I do hope you got the chance to tell all your kinfolk back on the swamp about your venture into the big city. Just remember, it’s called a pool, not a cement pond.
The first one-on-one date of the trip goes to Tenley, which got my approval. (As you know, she’s been my choice since week one!) She and Bachelor Jake get a little jolly on the trolley as they go for a private tour around San Francisco. The dimpled duo gets off at Chinatown for more baby talk, kissy faces, and a Chinese didjeridu street performance.

Back at the fancy hotel where Vienna’s riding the magical elevators, the girls receive a date card inviting Gia and Vienna on the next two-on-one date. Francisco Ali was relieved her name wasn’t on that card since it’s her “town.” I’m sure she wouldn’t want to be caught dead on the streets of San Fran on a dual date with the likes Vienna. What would her fellow San Franciscoians think?

Meanwhile, Bachelor Jake takes Tenley on a romantic dinner date to Coit Tower where he tells us, “Out of all the women, I can most picture Tenley as my wife.” I’ll raise a rose to that! (As you know, she’s been my choice since week one!) I was pretty satisfied with their date; meaningful, honest conversation and no crying. The one complaint I do have is with Bachelor Jake’s black turtleneck. He looked more like a beatnik than the dashing bachelor pilot that he is.

The next day a giant trunk full of clothes arrive at the hotel for Gia and Vienna to sift through before their two-on-one date. I was thankful this was happening because Vienna needs fashion help. But what does girlfriend pull out of the Forever 21-in-a-box; a sparkly purple tank top. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it look pretty for dates with the bachelor.

Bachelor Jake meets the dueling damsels at a winery castle in Nappa Valley for an awkward overnight date of wine tasting and snide remarks. As the trio sits down for dinner, Vienna tells Bachelor Jake how she was “shaking in her pants” during last week’s rose ceremony. How cute, she’s trying to using to metaphors! Looks like big city livin’ is starting to rub off on ‘ol Vi. After trying to tell Bachelor Jake how upset she was over Ali getting a rose because Ali was so upset over Vienna getting a rose, Bachelor Jake decides to get the hell away from the one woman firing squad and whisks Gia away for some alone time. As the two excuse themselves from the table, Gia turns to Vienna and says, “You can have my salmon.” I hope those words live in infamy.

Bachelor Jake and Gia find a cozy spot in the wine cellar to talk and cuddle and where Gia could bite her fingernails. I’m surprised she took her hands away from her mouth long enough for Bachelor Jake to kiss her. But the canoodling doesn’t last long. Once Vienna realizes salmon doesn’t taste like chicken, she grabs a lantern and like a bloodhound hot on a trail starts sniffing around for fresh bachelor blood. Finally, after what seemed like hours spent wondering around a dark maze of endless hallways, Vienna and the entire camera crew following her, stumble upon her date mates. Then she and Bachelor Jake cuddle up for some alone time where he asks what she thinks of married life. Vienna replies, “I want married life to be like we’re little 16 year old kids.” Interesting answer because you know, there is nothing more stable than an adolescent’s love life. Maybe they’ll even make it public on Facebook.

The love triangle spends the night in the castle; Vienna and Gia in one room, Bachelor Jake in another. While Bachelor Jakes nestles in for the night, Vienna grabs her lantern, two glasses of wine and takes off into castle’s darkness to surprise him for a midnight love snack. After making an awkward toast, Vienna tries to make her way in between his sheets but our almost naked Bachelor somehow resists her sweet talk and hair extensions and suggests she goes back to her room.

Corrie is next on tap for a one-on-one and it’s about time, they haven’t even kissed yet and we’re a week away from hometown dates. Time is roses people! Bachelor Jake takes Corrie on a canoe ride where nearby ducks had more chemistry than these two. The he takes her to a science museum where they endure more awkward silences and wildlife. It’s during dinner that we discover Corrie’s big secret. Now in reality television it’s almost rule that every “The Real World” has a gay roommate and every season of “The Bachelor” has virgin. So for those of you playing along at home, you guessed it, Corrie still has her V-card. Bachelor Jake took the news like a champ and the pair finally shared their first kiss and then he retired for an evening of cold showers.

The next day Frisco Ali finally gets to take Bachelor Jake on her own tour of San Francisco. They first visit her neighborhood where they share a puke-inducing moment picking out flowers at a flower stand. Ali tells us she’s walked by that same flower numerous times wishing someone Bachelor Jake-like would buy her a flower. Something tells me if this doesn’t work out, that flower stand’s going up in flames. (Oh the memories!) Over brunch, Bachelor Jake asks Ali about the possibility of visiting her family on the upcoming hometown dates. Ali basically tells Bachelor Jake how weird, dysfunctional and un-picture perfect her family is. Way to win him over and write yourself out of any family wills.

Ali’s best date ever in San Francisco continues as she takes Bachelor Jake along her jogging route where the two pop open a bottle of champagne and talk about her hatred for Vienna. Ever the diplomat, Bachelor Jake never waivers on his feelings for the human hair extension and that leaves Ali utterly confused. But not too confused as moments later she and Bachelor Jake run and jump into the ocean fully clothed.

Later that evening is the rose ceremony and all the girls are on edge. Vienna’s a nervous wreck as she re-thinks her attempted sack session at the castle. But Bachelor Jake calms her nerves by taking her to see the view from his hotel room. Tenley almost cries telling him how hard it is to see him falling for other girls and randomly asks him to slow dance. And Corrie starts to regret telling him about her sexual inexperience. Even I was starting to get nervous and all I had to worry about was not burning my frozen pizza in the oven.

During Bachelor Jake’s pre-rose ceremony chit-chat with Chris Harrison we learn that he’s truly fallen for all five remaining girls and that letting one go won’t be easy. Tenley is first name called to accept a rose that evening, and I was pretty relieved. (She was my pick from week one!) Then he calls Ali, Gia and dun dun dun…VIENNA! So, sweet little virginal Corrie is sent back to Kissimee, Florida while Hair Extenions McGee lives to accept another rose. Alls fair in love and barf.

Week 4

2010-01-26T16:10:00.001-05:00

I bet Chris Harrison made a nice bouquet for his wife with all the roses Bachelor Jake left on the table after tonight's episode. WTF? I know you don't want to lead anyone on, but don't you realize how boring it is for the Bachelor viewing audience when you only go out on dates with the girls you actually like? It's the awkward silences and kiss dodgings that keep us tuning in Monday after Monday. What is it with Bachelor's today, taking this show seriously? Bring back douche bag bachelors like Bob Guiney and Jesse Palmer. They would give roses to anything with a pulse.

Tonight started out like an episode of MTV’s “Road Rules” as the sister-wives packed up for a road trip in an RV along the California coast. The first stop on the pilgrimage of love was a camping trip to Santa Ynez. Gia was invited on that night’s one-on-one date and decided stilettos were the best footwear option for the campground’s rough terrain. She and Bachelor Jake played hide-and-see and spin the bottle on their first date, and she was offered the date rose. Yawn. If I ever make it on the show remind me to pack Candyland and to brush up on my hop-scotch skills.

Next stop for the rose-mobile was Pismo Beach for a group date of dunebugging and sand surfing. Other than Vienna and Jessie getting their dunebuggies stuck, the only reaction I have toward this date is a sudden interest in sand surfing. Unlike Tenley I won’t be wearing short-shorts if I get the chance to go. Girlfriend got sand in places she won’t know exists unless she makes it to the Fantasy Suite with Bachelor Jake.

After the sandbox playdate, Bachelor Jake meets the women for drinks at the Madonna Inn which looks like it was decorated by a Barbie doll. Ashleigh was the first to snag some alone time, and ouch my ears. Could you keep the pin dropping to a minimum, I can barely hear what she and Bachelor Jake aren’t saying to each other. He also spends some alone time with Tenley where she confesses that Bachelor Jake is the first person she’s kissed since her divorce. And they spend their entire alone time continuing to kiss since her divorce. Yours truly picked her to win the engagement ring since day one, so I wasn’t the least bit surprised that Tenley and her angel lips were offered the date rose.

The shaggin’ wagon then takes the clan to Big Sur for a night in the redwood forest. Bachelor Jake invites Country Ella and Kathryn on the dreaded two-on-one date. Throughout Bachelor history it’s typically the goal of one of the girls to do one of the following to other girl on the date: conversation dominating, one-upping, and getting the other girl drunk. Bachelor Jake hardly let the two-on-one shenanigans begin before he decided he couldn’t fathom spending the next 60 years with either of them and sent both girls home. As for the unclaimed date rose, he dramatically tossed it into the campfire like some crazed pryo-bachelor.

Tonight’s rose ceremony was almost painful to watch and it wasn’t just because of Jessie’s lime green eye-shadow. Bachelor Jake was down to three women and two roses when he suddenly asked to take a break to seek out the all-knowing Chris Harrison for advice. Bachelor Jake explained that he isn’t in love with two of the women left standing and with Poppa Harrison’s approval, one of the roses was taken away almost as if it never even existed. Vienna is offered the final rose of the evening while Jessie and Ashleigh make their tearful exits. So, let’s tally them up. You wasted two roses tonight, Bachelor Jake. Here’s to giving them all out next week. Don’t you know there are starving bachelorettes in the world that would have killed for those roses?

Week 3

2010-01-20T16:33:00.000-05:00

Last night’s episode of “The Bachelor” should’ve been sponsored by Kleenex and Prozac. These broads were total messes. Therefore, I would like to use this post as a public service announcement on behalf of un-crazy women everywhere. Not all chicks behave this way, just the ones trying to find husbands on reality TV dating shows.

Week three starts out with Vienna getting a one-on-one date invitation which throws the brothel farm into a panic of insecurity and cattiness. Michelle tells us how attractive she thinks she is, therefore how could Bachelor Jake even think of taking Vienna on a date without ordering her to wear a paper bag over her head. And Ali thinks it’s “so weird” that he’s going out on another one-on-one because their date was “so special.” Ali, you’re on “The Bachelor.” Everything is weird and nothing is special.

Bachelor Jake takes Vienna on a helicopter ride over the sprawling bachelorette mansion where she looks down on the haters and laughs and waves and tosses her hair extensions in retribution. But a mansion fly over wasn’t the main focus of the date. Which is a shame; I was hoping Vienna would get all Sarah Palin on their asses and shoot at them like moose from the helicopter. But that’s probably too romantic for a first date.

Instead, the chopper flies the couple to a bridge where they will bungee jump from a 120ft ledge. Both Bachelor Jake and Vienna are crazy afraid of heights, so after several minutes of cursing and coddling, they finally jump and this is when Bachelor Jake and Vienna share their first kiss. He describes it as “unlike any first kiss I’ve ever had in 31 years.” What? Bachelor Jake, you think kissing while dangling upside down by a bungee cord 70ft above a shallow creek is unusual? Ladies, he obviously isn’t very adventurous in the bedroom…

Back at the mansion the ladies receive a group date invitation to a comedy club. Michelle, of course, is ticked that she’s subjected to yet another group date. What does a crazy girl have to do to get a one-on-one around here? Maybe you should talk more about how your mother wants grandchildren, Michelle. Bachelors love it when you do that.

After bungee kissing off a bridge, Bachelor Jake and Vienna retire to the hot tub where Vienna shows off her classy hip tattoo and accepts the one-on-one date rose. Who knew Bachelor Jake was such a sucker for a woman with bubble gum colored finger nails, pink ice rings, and star-shaped necklaces? Vienna has such a refined taste in accessories. In other news, Chris Harrison’s 10 year old daughter has reported her jewelry box missing. Coincidence?

The next day Bachelor Jake takes the remaining sister-wives on a group date to John Lovitz’s Comedy Club. I guarantee John Lovitz hasn’t had a screaming welcome from girls this pretty since ever. He proceeds to inform them that they will each perform a stand-up routine. Oh the horror! Don’t the producers know these girls are really only good at dates where you just have to sexily eat strawberries and wear a bikini. How dare you make them talk out loud! Here is a quick break down of the women’s comedy hour. Ali tells a joke she must’ve found off a popsicle stick; Elizabeth thought this was Showtime and most of her set was bleeped out; Tenley did yoga; Corrie impersonated Vienna; and Michelle got a resounding applause of crickets. I hope the Cohen brothers were taking notes…

After the comedy club, Bachelor Jake takes the ladies to a rooftop lounge for fondue. Finally, a chance to do what they do best – eat strawberries. But, a lot more went down than sexy strawberry eating. First, Tenley opens up to Bachelor Jake about her divorce, Ashleigh confronts him on his idiotic decision of giving Vienna a rose, and last but not least there’s Michelle. After whining to her sister-wives about how she didn’t leave her family and her job so she could have “playtime,” she finally gets some alone time with Bachelor Jake.

Claiming she is the only girl on the show trying to find love, Michelle tells Bachelor Jake those four magic words every single guy in America hopes to hear: I WANT A HUSBAND. Those words must’ve sounded like the sweet symphony of a napalm blast in his ear, because after that Bachelor Jake asked her to leave. No Rozzzlyn-esque funny business needed here, he flat out kicked her skinny jeans to the curb for being a crazy mess.

Country Ella is the next sister-wife to get a one-on-one date. (I’m sure that would make Michelle roll over in her straight jacket.) Bachelor Jake takes Ella to Sea World to see Shamu, and if that isn’t grand enough, he has also arranged for her son Ethan to surprise her. After a heartfelt mother-son-reunion, the trio swims with the dolphins and Country Ella accepts the date rose.

The night’s episode concludes with Valishia the Homemaker (am I the only one who’s just now noticing that she was on the show?) and Elizabeth making tearful farewells. Personally, I’m pumped for next week. Did anyone else see the clip where Bachelor Jake tosses a rose into the fire? That’s the stuff that keeps me going, folks…

Week 2

2010-01-20T16:32:00.000-05:00

What a loaded episode – I hardly know where to begin. A sex scandal breaks out, Chris Harrison almost cries, “Wings of Love” is finally played and we see Bachelor Jake in his swim trunks for the first time this season. Bachelor Week 2 you did not disappoint.

Last night’s episode started out with a photo shoot for NStyle Magazine. Way to make the three girls that aren’t professional models feel like Ugly Betty, ABC. Rozlyn (having a ‘z’ in her name just makes her seem scandalous!) has been modeling for 10 years and Gia is a “fitness model.” I’m not really sure how one becomes a “fitness model” or what exactly a “fitness model” models, but it got a big thumbs down from our resident expert, Rozlyn. And she should know, she “usually models wedding gowns.” Of course Rozzzzlyn was first at bat and I had to laugh when the photographer told her to put her legs a little closer together. Twenty bucks says that’s the first time she’s ever been told to do that. Zing!

Non-Model Christina from San Diego was “literally freaking out” about the photo-shoot and with good reason. What was the deal with that that flock of seagulls hairdo they gave her? No wonder she gets hammered later on in the date and hums the theme to “Twilight Zone.” Thankfully Bachelor Jake comes to her rescue, takes her in his beefy pilot arms and makes all the scariness of being a contestant on a reality dating show go away.

After the photo shoot Bachelor Jake and his harem head out for a night of hot-tubbing. (So original, ABC.) The best part about hot tub groups dates is guessing which chick is the first to bust out in her bikini. I would’ve put my money on Rozzzlyn. She looks like the kind of girl that would never miss a chance to flaunt around in a two-piece, especially on national television. But to my surprise it was Ashleigh the Account Manager from Maryland. And lucky for her! She was also the first to see Bachelor Jake with his shirt off. Who knew flying a plane could give one such abs of steel!

Meanwhile at the brothel farm, the ladies receive the first one-on-one date invitation. The note alluded to flying somewhere with Bachelor Jake, on the wings of love no doubt, and was accompanied by a diamond necklace which unleashed collective screams of intolerable octaves. Michelle the Office Manager from California nearly has an asthma attack over the necklace, and with the logic of a reality TV dating show contestant, thinks that if she’s the first one to put on the necklace she’ll get the one-on-one date. I sure hope if that was truly the case, Bachelor Jake had access to a surveillance camera or received smoke signals from the show’s producer to abort the plan immediately.

Back at the hot tub party, sneaky Rozzzzlyn steals Bachelor Jake away from the other bikinis for some one-on-one time. She wraps herself and Bachelor Jake up in a Snuggie, sexily bites her lip and whines about having to be the first at the photo shoot and then violently grabs his face in a maneuver typically reserved for zoo handlers. One can only assume they were kissing. The hot tub group date comes to a close with Christina wiping tears from her eyes and with Rozzzzlyn accepting the group date rose and telling us, “Now that I’m not going home, my strategy is to just be myself.” Wow, Rozzzlyn I hope those words were tasty! And if anyone can tell me what the hell Christina’s wrist tattoo says, you will also get a rose.

We finally find out that Ali from Pennsylvania gets the coveted first one-on-one date and she also gets the diamond necklace. Bachelor Jake whisks Ali away on a motorcycle and then flies her around in an airplane, which she is deathly afraid of. Not to worry Ali, like the sexy pilot that he is, Bachelor Jake checks all of the plane’s nooks and crannies for leaks, holes, and terrorists all while flexing his biceps. Something tells me this is one flight where a full body scan would have no objectors. As Pilot Bachelor Jake and Ali ascend to the clouds “On the Wings of Love” FINALLY begins to play. In related news, Jeffery Osborne finishes his bottle whiskey and searches for a gun.

After a boring group date to an amusement park, we were finally let in on the MOST SHOCKING SCANDAL IN BACHELOR HISTORY. During the cock-tail party Chris Harrison pulls Rozzzzlyn aside and confronts her about the inappropriate relationship she’s been having with one of the show’s producers. Nothing gets by Poppa Harrison, biotch! I think he deserves an Emmy or at least a rose for his performance on last night’s episode. My favorite part of the whole calamity though, was when Rozzzlyn nearly twists her ankle while trying to sexily yet hurriedly pack her suitcase. The good news is there is one less model Christina has to compete against.

Week 1

2010-01-20T16:29:00.000-05:00

Wow. Season 14 of "The Bachelor." How time has flown since we were first introduced to the only show in television history to co-star a hot tub. Well, Bachelor Season is here again and how I've missed the tears, the drama, and that sparkling silver platter of roses that have come to define my Monday nights.

This season ABC reached into the Tupperware container of "Bachelorette" leftovers and heated up Jake Pavelka, a commercial airline pilot from Texas. Labeled as "The Nice Guy" on last season's "Bachelorette," Jake is out to prove that nice guys become the bachelor who gets to choose his future wife from a hot tub of boobs on national television.

Since Bachelor Jake is a pilot, ABC creatively named this season “On the Wings of Love” which of course opened the door for all sorts of sexual innuendos. Here is a smattering of my favorites thus far.

“I would love to be a passenger in your plane.” – Michelle from California after pretending to fly around like an airplane but before she spent the rest of the evening in tears

“We make the perfect pair of aviators.” – Shelia from California as she hands Bachelor
Jake a pair aviator sunglasses

“Your stewardess has arrived!” - Ashley from Pennsylvania prancing around in a stewardess costume. (Don’t forget she’s just two classes away from earning her Ph.D. and then she’ll be a professor!)

And my personal favorite:

“You can land your plane on my landing strip anytime.” – Said her native Cambodian tongue, Naughty Channy also from California

You California girls and your witty senses of humor! All the hometown girl from Lafollette, TN could think up was the ‘ol stain on your tie trick. Its ok Country Ella, he loved your accent…

After Bachelor Jake met his bevy of beauties he retired to the mansion for the cocktail party or as I like to call it, the talent competition. This is where the bachelorettes vie for The Bachelor’s attention and anything to catch his eye is fair game. Past seasons have included gymnastic routines, spontaneous opera performances, magic tricks, joke telling and a very memorable rendition of “The Star Spangled Banner.” This season, however was a let down. I was hoping for at least a kazoo performance but all I got was Elizabeth from Nebraska throwing the pigskin and organizing a game of touch football. And then Stephanie from Illinois taught Bachelor Jake to two-step which really doesn’t make since for someone from Chicago. How I miss the bygone seasons of drunk yodeling and impromptu cheerleading. And Bachelor Jake, you kind of do throw like a girl.

Mid-way through the cocktail party two top-secret guests arrive at the mansion – Bachelorette Jillian and Ed, OMG! Part of me seriously worried that Bachelor Jake was going to still try and give Jillian a rose, but alas she was just there for moral support and to dance with some of the contestants. Meanwhile, Ed polled the girls on whether or not they liked men in short shorts and further pushed back his and Jillian’s wedding date.

The coveted first impression rose went to Tenley Like the Number 10 from Oregon. I think she’s a frontrunner and I’m usually right on when it comes to picking winners on “The Bachelor.” If there were only a spread for such a thing in Vegas…

Bachelor Jake had to let 10 ladies go on this inaugural episode and like every episode in 14 seasons of Bachelor history there were some teary goodbyes. Though none could compete with the “He can’t let me go. My eggs are rotting…” comment from a few seasons back, I did love Emily from Ohio’s dramatic shunning of the camera as she turned her head and cried into her side pony.

And so season 14 of “The Bachelor” has lift-off. Godspeed, Bachelor Jake and I hope you make that connecting flight on the wings of love.

Welcome!

2010-01-20T16:27:00.000-05:00

These are my recaps of ABC's "The Bachelor", enjoy!