And so we meet again. Welcome back, Bachelor fans! Over the next seven weeks we’ll follow Bachelorette Ali as she splashes in a hot tub with 25 eligible bachelors as they vie for a rose and a life-long commitment. If all goes as the producers plan, Ali will find the love of her life and plan an extravagant wedding just in time for November sweeps.
As if the “The Bachelorette” promos ever gave us a chance to forget, tonight’s episode began with a re-cap of when we last saw Bachelorette Ali. As you recall, Ali exited “The Bachelor” early as she was forced to choose between love and her career. Second-guessing her decision to chose “a computer screen and a mouse over true love,” Ali has since quit her job, moved out of her apartment and will devote the next few weeks of her life on finding a husband. Maybe Solicitor General Elena Kagan should follow suit and quit the Supreme Court confirmation hearing and devote some serious time to finding a husband. There’s really no other way to squash the rumors. “The Bachelorette: From Gavel to Wedding Gown” coming this fall to ABC.
After we’re all caught up with Ali, we get to meet her bevy of boys as they file out of the limo hoping to make a good first impression. Twenty-five men attempted to make such impression, but very few succeeded. I do not envy Bachelorette Ali, to put it mildly. We meet Frank the aspiring screenwriter from Chicago. We all know “aspiring screenwriter” is just the politically correct term for “Chili’s bartender that lives in his parent’s basement and owns a Mac.” Then there’s Jay, the personal injury lawyer from Rhode Island. Jay might have made it past the first round had not looked like he was always on the lurch for an ambulance to chase. Justin from Canada was one of the most memorable men of the evening. Justin is what they, in the biz, call an “entertainment wrestler.” And his “entertainment wrestling” name is R-Rated. Justin broke his ankle while “entertainment wrestling” and must hobble on crutches from the limo to our beautiful bachelorette. Ali seems to be somehow smitten by R-Rated and makes us wonder if the two will be able to keep it PG in future episodes.
Roberto and his sexy accent received the first impression rose, or as me, in the biz, call it the FIR. Who knew Ali was such a sucker for salsa dancing and text book Spanish? If these other schmucks had only twirled her around a little and counted to ten in another language they, too, would have had a rose to accept. Kirk from Wisconsin on the other hand has the ladies all figured out. He made a scrapbook and presented it to Ali during their alone time. Kirk’s scrapbook, complete with decorative stickers and dye-cuts, showcased his friends and family members and his creepiness.
Speaking of creepy, Kasey from California gives me the closeted serial-killer vibe. He has that clean-cut, boy next door look that no one would suspect him of having body parts in is deep freeze. He keeps telling Ali that “no matter what he’ll always guard her heart.” And he’ll “always open a door and get a glass of wine for a woman.” Yeah, open the door to your creepy dungeon basement and offer a glass of chardonnay laced with strychnine. Or maybe I just watch too much “48 Hours Mystery.”
Though I don’t believe he’ll be a frontrunner, my favorite boy of the bunch would have to be Jonathan the weatherman from Houston. Despite looking like a Men’s Warehouse poster child in a lime green dress shirt and matching tie, his jokes were clever and he genuinely made Ali (and me) laugh. And he got a rose. Derrick, also known by his nickname Shooter, did not receive a rose. For those of you that watched and know how he earned his nickname, his moniker lives on as he prematurely leaves the show.
And so our blushing bachelorette has whittled her suitors down to 15. By looks of the this season’s previews are we in for a good show complete with a chase down a winding staircase, a call to 911, and lots of cuddling in blankets. Monday nights are the new black.
