This week Ali whisked the guys away to Lisbon, Portugal on the last stop of her around-the-world dating tour. The dates were extra important this episode because they determined who would take Ali home to meet their family. One wrong move this episode and Ali’s spending the weekend at an Alabama trailer park eating Spam with Mee-Maw in her mumu.
Ali’s first date in Portugal was with Sexy Roberto. The pair roamed the streets of downtown Lisbon posing for pictures and then slow danced in the middle of the road while Roberto whispered sexy nothings in her ear. Then Ali took him to a castle where they had a romantic dinner and talked about their feelings. Ali seems to be falling for Roberto but can’t always tell if the feeling is mutual. He eases her mind when he tells her that if she sticks with him they will have a lifetime of evenings just like this. And that’s why we call him Sexy Roberto!
The next day Ali goes on a two-on-one with Frank and Tennessee Ty. No date roses were involved this week so neither of the guys had to worry about sabotaging the evening. What a waste of awkwardness! The two-on-ones are only good when roses and plans of havoc are involved. The love triangle gathered for dinner where Ali seemed to feel very uncomfortable. She first asked Ty for some alone time where they talked more about Ty’s family and how his mother would feel about Ali having a career outside the home. Ty tries to assure her that his parents trust his judgment and would love getting to meet her. Then she takes Frank aside for some alone time where he drops the I-still-live-at-home-with-my-parents bomb. How Ali didn’t know he was a basement dweller is beyond me. If your “profession” is “aspiring screenwriter,” you’re not living in a fancy penthouse on Michigan Avenue. You’re living in mom and pop’s basement on the old fold-out sofa you used to sleep on as a kid when your grandparents were visiting from Florida. Ali takes the blow with stride and tells us that she likes Frank for Frank and doesn’t care where he lives. Ali, I see a twin bed and comic book posters in your future.
Next up is Ali’s date with Kirk where they first meet for lunch and giant beers. Kirk picks up on Ali’s standoffish attitude and tells her it’s ok to be stressed out about this whole process. Ali opens up a little more and tells Kirk that she feels very relaxed around him and has truly enjoyed their dates together. In return, Kirk tells Ali that she’s deserving of a good relationship with a good person. After another romantic dinner, Kirk and Ali enjoy a private concert by a Portuguese string quartet.
The following afternoon Ali takes Cape Cod Chris on the last date before the evening’s rose ceremony. He picks her up on a moped where they cautiously cruise the coastal area of Lisbon. Ali compares Chris’ slow driving to the speed of their relationship. During a cuddle session in the grass Ali asks Chris if it’s typical for him to move slowly with the women he dates. He tells her that he likes to take his time to figure a person out and then presents Ali with a handmade bracelet. He explains that he’s had this bracelet with him the whole time but wanted to make sure he really liked her before he gave it to her. Impressed that he held on it until the right moment, Ali give him a hug and kiss and then asks what it would be like if she were to go home with him to Cape Cod.
Ali only had to send one suitor home this week and seemed to have a hard time choosing which one to send packing. Sexy Roberto, Frank, Cape Cod Chris, and Kirk all advance to the next round where they will take Ali home to meet their family while Ty waltzes back to Tennessee without a rose. By the looks of next week’s previews I wonder if Ali regrets her decision when Kirk’s father introduces her to his taxidermy room.
Last night’s episode wasn’t over after the last rose had been awarded. ABC treated us to a sit-down interview with Jake and Vienna, “The Bachelor’s” latest casualty. I’ll be the first to admit that I was definitely not on Team Vienna during Jake’s season of “The Bachelor.” But after watching them last night, I wanted to switch teams. He was terrible to her and he needed some product in his hair. After the way he spoke to her last night, Pilot Jake will be flying solo indefinitely. I was glad Vienna stormed off in the middle of the interview; she doesn’t need to waste another flip of her hair extension on him. And I agree; Jake is a fame-whore. He did “Dancing with the Stars”.
How calmly did things start out Monday night? Ali was in her hotel room in Istanbul, drying her hair, putting on make-up, checking her Facebook when she gets an unexpected knock at her door. On “The Bachelor” unexpected knocks are never good. In the past the unexpected knock has brought news of contestants leaving to return to their jobs or past contestants returning desperately for another chance. Unexpected knocks are never pizza delivery boys, Publisher’s Clearinghouse, or the next door neighbor wanting to borrow a cup of sugar. And this season’s unexpected knock was no exception.
Ali opens the door to find Chris Harrison. Pleasantly surprised by what seems to be a drop-in, Ali and Poppa Harrison embrace and exchange pleasantries. We knew he wasn’t there just for a pre-date pep-talk when he suggests they have a seat on the couch. No good conversation begins by someone suggesting you have a seat on the couch. Chris Harrison opens by telling Ali that it’s been brought to the producer’s attention that a contestant on the show has not been truthful. Cut to Ali’s look of shock and horror. Chris goes on to say that he’s personally checked into the story and it’s indeed true. Cut to Ali’s look of shock and horror. Chris then tells Ali that one of the guys has a girlfriend and has been secretly contacting her throughout the entire taping. Cut to Ali’s look of shock and horror. And then he tells her the two-timing man-floozy is none other than R-Rated. Cut to Ali’s look of semi-relief upon hearing its no one good like Sexy Roberto or Cape Cod Chris. After venting about her disappointment, Poppa Harrison informs Ali that he has the phone number for R-Rated’s girlfriend back home in Canada, Jessica. So, the two huddle around what looks to be a rotary dial telephone waiting for Jessica to answer the phone. A good 12 rings later, Jessica and her glorious Canadian accent pick up. Ali cuts to the chase and asks Jessica if R-Rated is her boyfriend. Jessica tells us that she and R-Rated have been shaking their maple leafs together for the past two years. He told Jessica that he only wanted to do the show to further is entertainment wrestling career and just wanted to make it to the top three. For some reason Jessica supported his scheme and even helped him buy suits to wear on the show. A tearful Jessica goes on to say that R-Rated has been calling and texting her, letting her know that when he’s back home the two will get married. Ali has heard all she needs to hear and thanks Jessica for the inside information. She hangs up the phone and tells Chris Harrison she wants to confront R-Rated on his shady shenanigans.
Ali bursts into the guy’s suite and takes a seat almost directly in front of R-Rated. She begins by addressing the group as a whole, saying she knows it’s been a stressful and difficult journey. And then the “oh no she didn’t moment.” She glares R-Rated in the eye and says, “This must be especially hard for you Justin since you have a girlfriend at home. In Canada.” Knowing he’s aboot to get the boot, Justin and his bum leg race out the door, down the stairs, through some shrubbery, and into a parking lot. Ali chases after him and but waits for him to compose himself. He saunters back to where she’s sitting but never gives her more than a shaky apology. After he offers her his wadded up rose back, she tells him he’s free to go and as they show him limping away onto the streets of Istanbul they play some saved voicemails he left on Jessica’s cell phone. Suave.
After that fiasco Ali has a one-on-one date with Tennessee Ty, who does not have a side piece waiting on him in Canada. Ali and Ty go to a Turkish bathhouse where they wrap up in plaid towels and massage each other. The two talk and laugh and kiss until dinner time. During their romantic dinner Ali probes more into the demise of Ty’s first marriage. Ty tells us that he grew up with a stay-at-home mother and father that worked outside the house to bring home the bacon. Apparently things didn’t settle so well with Ty when his first wife still wanted to focus on her career despite becoming Mrs. Tennessee Ty. He tells Ali that he’s changed and matured since his divorce and now knows that “they can become lawyers, and CEOs and doctors.” “They?” I do hope he realizes he’s on a date with of “them.” Somehow Tennessee Ty gets the date rose. I was really hoping Ali was going to press him on is progressive views on feminism. He really should write a book.
Next up was a group date that had the guys olive oil wrestling. I didn’t really care who was on this date as long a Sexy Roberto and his magnificent abs were on display. Each bachelor was paired with a professional Turkish olive oil wrestler and the winners would then wrestle each other. I don’t remember who did all that well because I kept wanting to dip pieces of warm bread into Roberto’s muscle crevices. I’ve had a hankering for Olive Garden ever since. Surprisingly, Lawyer Craig was the event’s champion and he won a one-on-one date with Ali. She took him on a dinner cruise and then to a lookout point where they watched a firework show. The date looked enjoyable enough, but it seems the only sparks flying were the ones in the sky.
The next day Ali takes Frank on another one-on-one. They spend the afternoon shopping at an open market and play dress up in a costume shop. Ali surprises Frank by trying on a noisy, purple belly-dancer number. I wanted to slip into something like that to surprise my boyfriend on his birthday, but that store closes at 5:30 and I don’t get off work til 6. After their Turkish shopping-spree they have dinner on what looks to be a table floating on water. Ali tells Frank that their relationship scares her because she can’t control who she loves and if he’ll love her back. He must’ve convinced her that they’re on the same page because he was awarded the evening’s date rose.
Ali decides to opt out of the next night’s cocktail party. She tells Chris Harrison that her mind is made up and she doesn’t want to put the guys through a party if she already knows who she’s sending home. Despite his efforts in olive oil wrestling, Lawyer Craig did not make this week’s cut. Remaining we have Frank, Sexy Roberto, Cape Cod Chris, Kirk and Tennessee Ty. With five guys left that means one more round tillHome Town Dates!
Next week we learn of yet another secret one of Ali’s suitors has been keeping when she takes the brood to Portugal.
It was a week of firsts on last night’s episode of “The Bachelorette.” The Weatherman gets his first kiss, Ali sends her first suitor home after a one-on-one, and Man Cub Jesse is the first to wear a denim shirt to a rose ceremony. This episode should be dipped in bronze and sent to the National Archives Museum.
Ali gets things started with a one-on-one date with Sexy Roberto. Roll them r’s! A helicopter swoops down and lifts Ali and Roberto up into the skies for a scenic flight over Los Angeles. But a cuddle-copter ride isn’t the sole purpose of their date. Ali has something far more adventurous in mind, like tightrope walking followed by a romantic dinner. The pair strap on harnesses, helmets, and matching Chuck Taylors and begin their delicate trek across the skyline. At the halfway mark Sexy Roberto turns toward Ali and steadily goes in for a kiss 20 stories above the LA freeway. They make it safely to the adjacent rooftop where they then enjoy a candlelit dinner and a beautiful California sunset. Needless to say, Sexy Roberto was offered and accepted the date rose. Muy caliente!
The next afternoon Ali takes several of the guys on a group date to be in a music video for Barenaked Ladies’ newest single. The recession has certainly not hurt the group date industry. I remember when “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” group dates were simple trips to the zoo, amusement parks, or just sitting in a hot tub. ABC is shelling out the big bucks this season to bring in 90’s rock bands. Frank’s scene with Ali is first on the agenda and much to his chagrin, Ali is to slap him across the face in their scene, which takes nine takes to perfect. Scrapbook Kirk gets a bedroom scene with Ali and tells her, “I don’t even care if the cameras are rolling.” Hm, sounds like someone may have an interesting hobby. The Weatherman also has an intimate scene with Ali where he must sneak up on her and kiss her. The Weatherman’s a nervous wreck about the kiss and at one point starts to cry, or maybe he’s just rainy. But, Ali calms his nerves when she plants a passionate kiss on him unexpectedly. And The Weatherman cometh!
Next up for Ali is a one-on-one date with Texas Hunter. We haven’t heard much from Hunter so far, so this date is clutch for him to stay in the game. While Hunter’s getting prepped for the evening, R-Rated decides to take matters into his own hands, or shall we say cast, and goes to visit Ali at her mansion a few miles up the road. R-Rated hobbles along the freeway for nearly two hours so he can score some alone time with the bachelorette. Ali seems shocked yet genuinely surprised that R-Rated walked, on crutches, just to visit her. She obviously hasn’t dated enough dudes with broken legs. The two sit on the couch and look at R-Rated’s family pictures and talk about their families. Then it’s time for Ali to head back to frat house and exchange him for Hunter.
Ali and Hunter have a chill first date at her mansion where they grill hamburgers and share awkward silences in the hot tub. Trying hard to find a romantic connection, Ali senses that Hunter just isn’t the husband of her reality show dreams and decides she must send him back to Texas.
The next night at the cocktail party while canoodling with Roberto, Ali lets it slip that R-Rated surprised her with a house call. Once Ali is swept away by another suitor, Roberto tells some of the other guys about R-Rated’s roadtrip and that has everyone convinced he’s here for the wrong reasons. But Ali must think otherwise and R-Rated is given the final rose of the episode. And so we say goodbye to Steve and John C. Yeah, I didn’t know who they are either.
Tune in next week when Kreepy Kasey gets creepier and The Weatherman gets his debut on Broadway.
Ali is dating 17 guys this week. Sounds like me in college, plus or minus a few. Mainly minus a few. Maybe minus 17. But basically, that was totally me in college so I can definitely relate to having a multitude of beaux clamoring my affections. This was a very sentimental episode for me.
The clamoring contender to get the coveted first one-on-one date with Ali is Aspiring Screenwriter Frank from Illinois. Ali picks Frank up in a vintage powder blue convertible and takes him to Hollywood’s walk of fame. While checking out all the star’s stars, Ali is bombarded by “Bachelore/ette” fans/tourists asking for autographs and pictures. The recession has truly hit everyone. Those are some hard-up tourists settling for Bachelorette Ali’s John Hancock on their Hard Rock Café lunch receipts. Kate Gosselin could’ve at least thrown them a bone and dropped a hairweave or a kid on the sidewalk during her march to the tanning salon.
Meanwhile, at the Sausage Factory, Lawyer Craig from Philadelphia gets into a heated discussion with R-Rated Justin about his true intentions for being on the show. Because he’s an “entertainment wrestler,” Lawyer Craig feels that R-Rated Justin is “here for the wrong reasons.” For the love of Chris Harrison! Every season we hear this exact same argument. Every season someone is accused of “being here for the wrong reasons.” Every season someone is an “aspiring/professional/amateur” something-or-other. And guess what – not a one has been “discovered” from being on “The Bachelor/ette.” So, Lawyer Craig and future “Bachelorette” contestants, trust me, being a contestant isn’t going to further your career, unless your boss is looking to hire a shirtless douche.
Back on the date, Ali takes Frank up a dirt trail that leads to the famous Hollywood sign overlooking the city. Cozily situated between the two L’s, Ali asks Frank about his screenwriting career and move to Paris. I’m not totally convinced Frank actually moved to Paris. Maybe this ambiguous “move to Paris” was actually to Paris, Kentucky or Paris, Tennessee and he never bothers to correct anyone that assumes Paris, France. He claims he “lived” in “Paris” for barely a month and never learned to speak French. So, Frank basically went to “Paris” once on vacation and now he folds cargo shorts as the manager of American Eagle in the suburbs and at night he writes out his pent-up teen angst in hopes of becoming the next Howard Hughes. But Ali gives Frank the first kiss of the season, and a rose, on top of that Hollywood hill and gives us reason to believe he could be the leading man of her dreams. Barf. I went there.
The next day Ali takes her brood of boyfriends on a group date to Malibu for a calendar photo shoot on the beach. Again, that sounds just like dates I went on in college. I was so progressive for the early naughts. Like an explosion of Ed Hardy models, the guys bound out of the limo to greet our bachelorette. Some highlights from the photo shoot include Canadian Craig and his great head of hair, Tennessee Ty who played guitar during his modeling sesh, and Jonathan the Weatherman conquering his fear of Speedos. Tennessee Ty cowboys up and is the first to steal Ali away for some alone time. He has a semi-serious conversation with Ali about his previous marriage, but I couldn’t concentrate much for being distracted by that scorpion necklace hanging around his neck. Tennessee Ty needs to follow the words of Coco Chanel and always take off two things before leaving the frat house. But that scorpion could be his good luck charm because he was given the date rose and advances to the next round. Just as Tennessee Ty was hoping to make his move, The Weatherman and his white leather jacket walk in and interrupt. After a bumbling rant of compliments, The Weatherman warns Ali about shit storm Canadian Craig that hopes to make its way south. Ali seems grateful for his prediction and walks with him hand in hand to meet up with her other boyfriends.
Back at the Man Cave, the leftovers receive the next one-on-one date card. This date goes to Jesse from Peculiar, Montana. Jesse is given a pair of cuff-links to wear on the date and as he’s admiring them he discloses that the suit he brought to wear on the show is the first suit he’s ever owned. Aw, 24 year old man cubs are so cute when they buy their first suits! Ali takes Man Cub Jesse on a private jet to the fabulous Las Vegas. The duo takes a dip in Liquid Pool and we get a chance to check out Man Cub’s abdominals and ink. After an afternoon at the pool, Man Cub gets to put that new suit to use and meets up with Ali for a romantic dinner. The two get to know a little more about each other and Ali decides to give Man Cub Jesse the date rose.
At this week’s Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party Cape Cod Chris, Sexy Roberto, and Kreepy Kasey get their first alone time of the episode. All was going well for these patient bachelors until Frank and his aspiring screenwriter lips come over to steal Ali away for a make-out session. Then shit storm Canadian Craig makes landfall for an awkward chit-chat where he finds out that one of the guys called him “dangerous.” I think that’s the first time in history that anyone from Canada has been referred to as “dangerous.” Oh, Canada! But shit storm Canadian Craig moved out pretty quickly as he didn’t receive rose. The Weatherman, however, made it to another week and hopes for clear skies from here on out.
Tune in next week when R-Rated Justin pays Ali an unexpected visit and Sexy Roberto goes tight-rope walking in the name of love.
And so we meet again. Welcome back, Bachelor fans! Over the next seven weeks we’ll follow Bachelorette Ali as she splashes in a hot tub with 25 eligible bachelors as they vie for a rose and a life-long commitment. If all goes as the producers plan, Ali will find the love of her life and plan an extravagant wedding just in time for November sweeps.
As if the “The Bachelorette” promos ever gave us a chance to forget, tonight’s episode began with a re-cap of when we last saw Bachelorette Ali. As you recall, Ali exited “The Bachelor” early as she was forced to choose between love and her career. Second-guessing her decision to chose “a computer screen and a mouse over true love,” Ali has since quit her job, moved out of her apartment and will devote the next few weeks of her life on finding a husband. Maybe Solicitor General Elena Kagan should follow suit and quit the Supreme Court confirmation hearing and devote some serious time to finding a husband. There’s really no other way to squash the rumors. “The Bachelorette: From Gavel to Wedding Gown” coming this fall to ABC.
After we’re all caught up with Ali, we get to meet her bevy of boys as they file out of the limo hoping to make a good first impression. Twenty-five men attempted to make such impression, but very few succeeded. I do not envy Bachelorette Ali, to put it mildly. We meet Frank the aspiring screenwriter from Chicago. We all know “aspiring screenwriter” is just the politically correct term for “Chili’s bartender that lives in his parent’s basement and owns a Mac.” Then there’s Jay, the personal injury lawyer from Rhode Island. Jay might have made it past the first round had not looked like he was always on the lurch for an ambulance to chase. Justin from Canada was one of the most memorable men of the evening. Justin is what they, in the biz, call an “entertainment wrestler.” And his “entertainment wrestling” name is R-Rated. Justin broke his ankle while “entertainment wrestling” and must hobble on crutches from the limo to our beautiful bachelorette. Ali seems to be somehow smitten by R-Rated and makes us wonder if the two will be able to keep it PG in future episodes.
Roberto and his sexy accent received the first impression rose, or as me, in the biz, call it the FIR. Who knew Ali was such a sucker for salsa dancing and text book Spanish? If these other schmucks had only twirled her around a little and counted to ten in another language they, too, would have had a rose to accept. Kirk from Wisconsin on the other hand has the ladies all figured out. He made a scrapbook and presented it to Ali during their alone time. Kirk’s scrapbook, complete with decorative stickers and dye-cuts, showcased his friends and family members and his creepiness.
Speaking of creepy, Kasey from California gives me the closeted serial-killer vibe. He has that clean-cut, boy next door look that no one would suspect him of having body parts in is deep freeze. He keeps telling Ali that “no matter what he’ll always guard her heart.” And he’ll “always open a door and get a glass of wine for a woman.” Yeah, open the door to your creepy dungeon basement and offer a glass of chardonnay laced with strychnine. Or maybe I just watch too much “48 Hours Mystery.”
Though I don’t believe he’ll be a frontrunner, my favorite boy of the bunch would have to be Jonathan the weatherman from Houston. Despite looking like a Men’s Warehouse poster child in a lime green dress shirt and matching tie, his jokes were clever and he genuinely made Ali (and me) laugh. And he got a rose. Derrick, also known by his nickname Shooter, did not receive a rose. For those of you that watched and know how he earned his nickname, his moniker lives on as he prematurely leaves the show.
And so our blushing bachelorette has whittled her suitors down to 15. By looks of the this season’s previews are we in for a good show complete with a chase down a winding staircase, a call to 911, and lots of cuddling in blankets. Monday nights are the new black.
