Final Rose!!

Bachelor Jake popped a knee and asked Vienna for her hand in marriage. This was the first season in Bachelor history that my pick didn’t win the engagement ring. It’s like I don’t even know who I am anymore… I’ll stop before I break out in a Hamlet-esque soliloquy.

The Final Rose episode picked up with our love triangle in St. Lucia. Bachelor Jake’s family made the trek to paradise to meet Vienna and Tenley in hopes to help him make his decision. He explains to his brothers and sisters-in-law that he’s fallen completely in love with both women. I for one would love to know that the night before my future fiancé proposes to me that he’s also completely in love with another woman. Nothing says “You complete me” quite like that.

Tenley is the first to meet Bachelor Jake’s family. Looking like an Ann Taylor ad, Tenley walks in with a beautiful bouquet for Momma Bachelor and adorable hugs for the rest of the family. Momma then takes Tenley aside for some girl talk. She tells Tenley, “After Jim is gone, it’s important for me to know that you and Jake will help hold the family together.” I’m not exactly sure why Momma Bachelor went there but for some reason I hope old Jim keeps tabs on his life insurance policy and sleeps with one eye open.

Tenley then brings up her absolute favorite subject; her divorce. Tenley’s divorce has played a big role this season. I think she’s mentioned it nearly every time she’s opened her mouth. So, here’s a little ode to Tenley’s Divorce. Enjoy!

There once was a girl on the Bachelor
That wanted to live happily ever after
But she talked too much of her divorce
And her ex-husband, of course
So away the Bachelor did cast her.

Next it’s time for Daddy Bachelor to have a word with Tenley. And what a softie old Jim turned out to be! He couldn’t get through the conversation without tearing up. He tells us, “Tenley would be a great fit for our family. I feel that I’ve probably met my future daughter-in-law today.” Daddy Jim, how precious are you! If you were to update your Facebook status with that statement, I’d like.

After wowing the family, Tenley and Bachelor Jake jump into the pool fully clothed. In what ended up looking like a baptism scene from “Big Love,” the rest of family followed suit and they all huddled up for a group hug. I’m glad my family just enjoys handshakes.

The next day the family is introduced to Vienna. Looking like a Wet Seal ad, Vienna greets Bachelor Jake’s family with dark roots and awkward silences. Over brunch Vienna tells sister-in-law Laura that she and Tenley are very different mainly because she’s not a “robot.” Vienna, no one would mistake you for a robot. Robots are way classier. After a mother-Bachelor chat, we learn that Momma sees red flags when it comes to Vienna. Worried that she’ll be confrontational with the other sisters-in-law and with Jake, Momma encourages her baby Bachelor to think about how she may act down the road.

The sisters-in-law then get some alone time to talk to Vienna. She tells them that Bachelor Jake brings out the best in her and she wants to spend the next 80 years of her life with him. It’s true, hair extensions are expected to live well into their hundreds. Long live Vienna!

Then, in what looked like a visit to the principal’s office, Momma Bachelor pulls Vienna aside for a talking to. She tells Vienna how important it is she gets along with the other women in the family. So she better not be pulling the same stunts she pulled in the mansion, Momma Bachelor ain’t putting up with it! Surprisingly, the date ends on a happy note and Vienna is welcomed into Bachelor Jake’s family.

The next day Bachelor Jake takes Vienna to a sulfur spring. Only Vienna could turn a romantic afternoon of relaxing into a dirty game of finger paint. The puke-inducing moment of the episode would be when Vienna wrote “I love you” in the mud across Bachelor Jake’s ripped, bare chest. That sounded kind of hot actually. Maybe I should start writing smut novels…

Bachelor Jake and Vienna then meet up for a candlelit evening of lying around on pillows. Vienna also uses the evening to present Bachelor Jake with her “Daddy I Won’t Elope Anymore” ring. As a sign that she’s ready to take their relationship to the next level and be engaged, Vienna gives Bachelor Jake her quasi-promise ring in hopes that in return he’ll give her that princess-cut rock at the finish line/final rose ceremony. I hear that since this episode aired, Kay’s Jewelers is already plumb out of “Daddy I Won’t Elope Anymore” rings. Bachelor Jake also takes this opportunity to ask Vienna what it was like being married for just three weeks. He has very valid reasons for asking Vienna this question. Statistically, the odds are heavily stacked against any Bachelor engagement ever materializing into a marriage. Bachelor Jake was merely seeking her advice on how to handle things when their own engagement dissolves in three weeks. Smart.

The next day Bachelor Jake meets up with Tenley for a boat ride around St. Lucia. The date looks like it should be enjoyable with the snorkeling and underwater frolicking, but something seems to be amiss with our Bachelor. When Tenley asks Bachelor Jake what’s wrong, he first tells her he’s just tired. (Vienna) After a little more prodding, Bachelor Jake tells Tenley that he feels their physical connection is progressing very slowly. Just because she isn’t willing to swing from the rafters like Vienna doesn’t mean there isn’t any “heat,” as Tenley adorably put it. After their day in the sun Bachelor Jake meets up with Tenley for dessert, wine, and more explaining himself. I don’t feel like he ever makes it clear to Tenley what’s bothering him about their physical relationship. The two seem to make up though as they open up a bottle of champagne and take it to the bedroom. Tenley presents Bachelor Jake with a shadow box of memories from some of their dates. Guys dig anything scrapbook related, so I’m sure it wasn’t the gift that knocked Tenley out of the running.

The next day jeweler Neil Lane drops in on Bachelor Jake to show him some engagement ring options. At this point Bachelor Jake is still in limbo trying to decide which woman to propose to. So, he picks a ring for both Vienna and Tenley and continues to think about which woman he wants to marry as he puts on his final rose ceremony suit and paisley tie that reeked of JC Penny circa 1991.

The first helicopter to arrive is Tenley’s. As any true Bachelor fan knows, the first woman to arrive is the one he doesn’t pick. I have to hand it to Bachelor Jake for at least jumping right in and telling her she isn’t the one. Past Bachelors have said too much to the runner up and the poor woman ends up in total shock and hysterics. I think Tenley knew as soon he started talking that it wasn’t going to go her way. I applaud the way she handled herself, but wish she would have thanked him a little less. He is, after all, dumping her on national television. As Jake walks Tenley to the reject limo he tells her he’ll never forget her and Tenley asks,”Why are you saying goodbye to me then?” He should’ve probably just kept his mouth shut. There is nothing any Bachelor could ever say in this moment to soften the blow of being broken with and then to turn around minutes later and propose to another woman. With bad hair extensions. And with a name like Vienna.

And then the moment we’ve been waiting for all season – Ali is named the next Bachelorette! Oh, yeah and Jake asked Vienna to marry him. Yadda, yadda, yadda. She won the engagement ring. Yadda, yadda, yadda. And my streak of picking winners is over. Yadda.

So, “The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love” has permanently landed and what a beautiful ride it’s been for Bachelor Jake and Vienna. Personally, I’ve needed to reach for my barf bag a few times. See you in May as we join Ali on her quest to find a husband.

Week 5

Week 5 brings us the final five vying to be Bachelor Jake’s co-pilot of love. I would also like to acknowledge the fact the he gave out all the roses this week which gave Chris Harrison a night off from relationship counselor duty.

We meet up with the sister-wives back in the RV bound for San Francisco. San Francisco is home to the Golden Gate Bridge, the 49ers and the setting for “Full House,” but least we forget it’s also Ali’s hometown. San Francisco.gov should really think about adding her to their list of attractions. But this visit isn’t just exciting for Frisco Ali; it’s also a big day for Vienna who has never been to a big city before. Vienna, though I don’t think your tin-can and string phone will reach all the way down to Standford , Florida, I do hope you got the chance to tell all your kinfolk back on the swamp about your venture into the big city. Just remember, it’s called a pool, not a cement pond.
The first one-on-one date of the trip goes to Tenley, which got my approval. (As you know, she’s been my choice since week one!) She and Bachelor Jake get a little jolly on the trolley as they go for a private tour around San Francisco. The dimpled duo gets off at Chinatown for more baby talk, kissy faces, and a Chinese didjeridu street performance.

Back at the fancy hotel where Vienna’s riding the magical elevators, the girls receive a date card inviting Gia and Vienna on the next two-on-one date. Francisco Ali was relieved her name wasn’t on that card since it’s her “town.” I’m sure she wouldn’t want to be caught dead on the streets of San Fran on a dual date with the likes Vienna. What would her fellow San Franciscoians think?

Meanwhile, Bachelor Jake takes Tenley on a romantic dinner date to Coit Tower where he tells us, “Out of all the women, I can most picture Tenley as my wife.” I’ll raise a rose to that! (As you know, she’s been my choice since week one!) I was pretty satisfied with their date; meaningful, honest conversation and no crying. The one complaint I do have is with Bachelor Jake’s black turtleneck. He looked more like a beatnik than the dashing bachelor pilot that he is.

The next day a giant trunk full of clothes arrive at the hotel for Gia and Vienna to sift through before their two-on-one date. I was thankful this was happening because Vienna needs fashion help. But what does girlfriend pull out of the Forever 21-in-a-box; a sparkly purple tank top. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it look pretty for dates with the bachelor.

Bachelor Jake meets the dueling damsels at a winery castle in Nappa Valley for an awkward overnight date of wine tasting and snide remarks. As the trio sits down for dinner, Vienna tells Bachelor Jake how she was “shaking in her pants” during last week’s rose ceremony. How cute, she’s trying to using to metaphors! Looks like big city livin’ is starting to rub off on ‘ol Vi. After trying to tell Bachelor Jake how upset she was over Ali getting a rose because Ali was so upset over Vienna getting a rose, Bachelor Jake decides to get the hell away from the one woman firing squad and whisks Gia away for some alone time. As the two excuse themselves from the table, Gia turns to Vienna and says, “You can have my salmon.” I hope those words live in infamy.

Bachelor Jake and Gia find a cozy spot in the wine cellar to talk and cuddle and where Gia could bite her fingernails. I’m surprised she took her hands away from her mouth long enough for Bachelor Jake to kiss her. But the canoodling doesn’t last long. Once Vienna realizes salmon doesn’t taste like chicken, she grabs a lantern and like a bloodhound hot on a trail starts sniffing around for fresh bachelor blood. Finally, after what seemed like hours spent wondering around a dark maze of endless hallways, Vienna and the entire camera crew following her, stumble upon her date mates. Then she and Bachelor Jake cuddle up for some alone time where he asks what she thinks of married life. Vienna replies, “I want married life to be like we’re little 16 year old kids.” Interesting answer because you know, there is nothing more stable than an adolescent’s love life. Maybe they’ll even make it public on Facebook.

The love triangle spends the night in the castle; Vienna and Gia in one room, Bachelor Jake in another. While Bachelor Jakes nestles in for the night, Vienna grabs her lantern, two glasses of wine and takes off into castle’s darkness to surprise him for a midnight love snack. After making an awkward toast, Vienna tries to make her way in between his sheets but our almost naked Bachelor somehow resists her sweet talk and hair extensions and suggests she goes back to her room.

Corrie is next on tap for a one-on-one and it’s about time, they haven’t even kissed yet and we’re a week away from hometown dates. Time is roses people! Bachelor Jake takes Corrie on a canoe ride where nearby ducks had more chemistry than these two. The he takes her to a science museum where they endure more awkward silences and wildlife. It’s during dinner that we discover Corrie’s big secret. Now in reality television it’s almost rule that every “The Real World” has a gay roommate and every season of “The Bachelor” has virgin. So for those of you playing along at home, you guessed it, Corrie still has her V-card. Bachelor Jake took the news like a champ and the pair finally shared their first kiss and then he retired for an evening of cold showers.

The next day Frisco Ali finally gets to take Bachelor Jake on her own tour of San Francisco. They first visit her neighborhood where they share a puke-inducing moment picking out flowers at a flower stand. Ali tells us she’s walked by that same flower numerous times wishing someone Bachelor Jake-like would buy her a flower. Something tells me if this doesn’t work out, that flower stand’s going up in flames. (Oh the memories!) Over brunch, Bachelor Jake asks Ali about the possibility of visiting her family on the upcoming hometown dates. Ali basically tells Bachelor Jake how weird, dysfunctional and un-picture perfect her family is. Way to win him over and write yourself out of any family wills.

Ali’s best date ever in San Francisco continues as she takes Bachelor Jake along her jogging route where the two pop open a bottle of champagne and talk about her hatred for Vienna. Ever the diplomat, Bachelor Jake never waivers on his feelings for the human hair extension and that leaves Ali utterly confused. But not too confused as moments later she and Bachelor Jake run and jump into the ocean fully clothed.

Later that evening is the rose ceremony and all the girls are on edge. Vienna’s a nervous wreck as she re-thinks her attempted sack session at the castle. But Bachelor Jake calms her nerves by taking her to see the view from his hotel room. Tenley almost cries telling him how hard it is to see him falling for other girls and randomly asks him to slow dance. And Corrie starts to regret telling him about her sexual inexperience. Even I was starting to get nervous and all I had to worry about was not burning my frozen pizza in the oven.

During Bachelor Jake’s pre-rose ceremony chit-chat with Chris Harrison we learn that he’s truly fallen for all five remaining girls and that letting one go won’t be easy. Tenley is first name called to accept a rose that evening, and I was pretty relieved. (She was my pick from week one!) Then he calls Ali, Gia and dun dun dun…VIENNA! So, sweet little virginal Corrie is sent back to Kissimee, Florida while Hair Extenions McGee lives to accept another rose. Alls fair in love and barf.

Week 1

Wow. Season 14 of "The Bachelor." How time has flown since we were first introduced to the only show in television history to co-star a hot tub. Well, Bachelor Season is here again and how I've missed the tears, the drama, and that sparkling silver platter of roses that have come to define my Monday nights.

This season ABC reached into the Tupperware container of "Bachelorette" leftovers and heated up Jake Pavelka, a commercial airline pilot from Texas. Labeled as "The Nice Guy" on last season's "Bachelorette," Jake is out to prove that nice guys become the bachelor who gets to choose his future wife from a hot tub of boobs on national television.

Since Bachelor Jake is a pilot, ABC creatively named this season “On the Wings of Love” which of course opened the door for all sorts of sexual innuendos. Here is a smattering of my favorites thus far.

“I would love to be a passenger in your plane.” – Michelle from California after pretending to fly around like an airplane but before she spent the rest of the evening in tears

“We make the perfect pair of aviators.” – Shelia from California as she hands Bachelor
Jake a pair aviator sunglasses

“Your stewardess has arrived!” - Ashley from Pennsylvania prancing around in a stewardess costume. (Don’t forget she’s just two classes away from earning her Ph.D. and then she’ll be a professor!)

And my personal favorite:

“You can land your plane on my landing strip anytime.” – Said her native Cambodian tongue, Naughty Channy also from California

You California girls and your witty senses of humor! All the hometown girl from Lafollette, TN could think up was the ‘ol stain on your tie trick. Its ok Country Ella, he loved your accent…

After Bachelor Jake met his bevy of beauties he retired to the mansion for the cocktail party or as I like to call it, the talent competition. This is where the bachelorettes vie for The Bachelor’s attention and anything to catch his eye is fair game. Past seasons have included gymnastic routines, spontaneous opera performances, magic tricks, joke telling and a very memorable rendition of “The Star Spangled Banner.” This season, however was a let down. I was hoping for at least a kazoo performance but all I got was Elizabeth from Nebraska throwing the pigskin and organizing a game of touch football. And then Stephanie from Illinois taught Bachelor Jake to two-step which really doesn’t make since for someone from Chicago. How I miss the bygone seasons of drunk yodeling and impromptu cheerleading. And Bachelor Jake, you kind of do throw like a girl.

Mid-way through the cocktail party two top-secret guests arrive at the mansion – Bachelorette Jillian and Ed, OMG! Part of me seriously worried that Bachelor Jake was going to still try and give Jillian a rose, but alas she was just there for moral support and to dance with some of the contestants. Meanwhile, Ed polled the girls on whether or not they liked men in short shorts and further pushed back his and Jillian’s wedding date.

The coveted first impression rose went to Tenley Like the Number 10 from Oregon. I think she’s a frontrunner and I’m usually right on when it comes to picking winners on “The Bachelor.” If there were only a spread for such a thing in Vegas…

Bachelor Jake had to let 10 ladies go on this inaugural episode and like every episode in 14 seasons of Bachelor history there were some teary goodbyes. Though none could compete with the “He can’t let me go. My eggs are rotting…” comment from a few seasons back, I did love Emily from Ohio’s dramatic shunning of the camera as she turned her head and cried into her side pony.

And so season 14 of “The Bachelor” has lift-off. Godspeed, Bachelor Jake and I hope you make that connecting flight on the wings of love.