Final Rose!!

Bachelor Jake popped a knee and asked Vienna for her hand in marriage. This was the first season in Bachelor history that my pick didn’t win the engagement ring. It’s like I don’t even know who I am anymore… I’ll stop before I break out in a Hamlet-esque soliloquy.

The Final Rose episode picked up with our love triangle in St. Lucia. Bachelor Jake’s family made the trek to paradise to meet Vienna and Tenley in hopes to help him make his decision. He explains to his brothers and sisters-in-law that he’s fallen completely in love with both women. I for one would love to know that the night before my future fiancé proposes to me that he’s also completely in love with another woman. Nothing says “You complete me” quite like that.

Tenley is the first to meet Bachelor Jake’s family. Looking like an Ann Taylor ad, Tenley walks in with a beautiful bouquet for Momma Bachelor and adorable hugs for the rest of the family. Momma then takes Tenley aside for some girl talk. She tells Tenley, “After Jim is gone, it’s important for me to know that you and Jake will help hold the family together.” I’m not exactly sure why Momma Bachelor went there but for some reason I hope old Jim keeps tabs on his life insurance policy and sleeps with one eye open.

Tenley then brings up her absolute favorite subject; her divorce. Tenley’s divorce has played a big role this season. I think she’s mentioned it nearly every time she’s opened her mouth. So, here’s a little ode to Tenley’s Divorce. Enjoy!

There once was a girl on the Bachelor
That wanted to live happily ever after
But she talked too much of her divorce
And her ex-husband, of course
So away the Bachelor did cast her.

Next it’s time for Daddy Bachelor to have a word with Tenley. And what a softie old Jim turned out to be! He couldn’t get through the conversation without tearing up. He tells us, “Tenley would be a great fit for our family. I feel that I’ve probably met my future daughter-in-law today.” Daddy Jim, how precious are you! If you were to update your Facebook status with that statement, I’d like.

After wowing the family, Tenley and Bachelor Jake jump into the pool fully clothed. In what ended up looking like a baptism scene from “Big Love,” the rest of family followed suit and they all huddled up for a group hug. I’m glad my family just enjoys handshakes.

The next day the family is introduced to Vienna. Looking like a Wet Seal ad, Vienna greets Bachelor Jake’s family with dark roots and awkward silences. Over brunch Vienna tells sister-in-law Laura that she and Tenley are very different mainly because she’s not a “robot.” Vienna, no one would mistake you for a robot. Robots are way classier. After a mother-Bachelor chat, we learn that Momma sees red flags when it comes to Vienna. Worried that she’ll be confrontational with the other sisters-in-law and with Jake, Momma encourages her baby Bachelor to think about how she may act down the road.

The sisters-in-law then get some alone time to talk to Vienna. She tells them that Bachelor Jake brings out the best in her and she wants to spend the next 80 years of her life with him. It’s true, hair extensions are expected to live well into their hundreds. Long live Vienna!

Then, in what looked like a visit to the principal’s office, Momma Bachelor pulls Vienna aside for a talking to. She tells Vienna how important it is she gets along with the other women in the family. So she better not be pulling the same stunts she pulled in the mansion, Momma Bachelor ain’t putting up with it! Surprisingly, the date ends on a happy note and Vienna is welcomed into Bachelor Jake’s family.

The next day Bachelor Jake takes Vienna to a sulfur spring. Only Vienna could turn a romantic afternoon of relaxing into a dirty game of finger paint. The puke-inducing moment of the episode would be when Vienna wrote “I love you” in the mud across Bachelor Jake’s ripped, bare chest. That sounded kind of hot actually. Maybe I should start writing smut novels…

Bachelor Jake and Vienna then meet up for a candlelit evening of lying around on pillows. Vienna also uses the evening to present Bachelor Jake with her “Daddy I Won’t Elope Anymore” ring. As a sign that she’s ready to take their relationship to the next level and be engaged, Vienna gives Bachelor Jake her quasi-promise ring in hopes that in return he’ll give her that princess-cut rock at the finish line/final rose ceremony. I hear that since this episode aired, Kay’s Jewelers is already plumb out of “Daddy I Won’t Elope Anymore” rings. Bachelor Jake also takes this opportunity to ask Vienna what it was like being married for just three weeks. He has very valid reasons for asking Vienna this question. Statistically, the odds are heavily stacked against any Bachelor engagement ever materializing into a marriage. Bachelor Jake was merely seeking her advice on how to handle things when their own engagement dissolves in three weeks. Smart.

The next day Bachelor Jake meets up with Tenley for a boat ride around St. Lucia. The date looks like it should be enjoyable with the snorkeling and underwater frolicking, but something seems to be amiss with our Bachelor. When Tenley asks Bachelor Jake what’s wrong, he first tells her he’s just tired. (Vienna) After a little more prodding, Bachelor Jake tells Tenley that he feels their physical connection is progressing very slowly. Just because she isn’t willing to swing from the rafters like Vienna doesn’t mean there isn’t any “heat,” as Tenley adorably put it. After their day in the sun Bachelor Jake meets up with Tenley for dessert, wine, and more explaining himself. I don’t feel like he ever makes it clear to Tenley what’s bothering him about their physical relationship. The two seem to make up though as they open up a bottle of champagne and take it to the bedroom. Tenley presents Bachelor Jake with a shadow box of memories from some of their dates. Guys dig anything scrapbook related, so I’m sure it wasn’t the gift that knocked Tenley out of the running.

The next day jeweler Neil Lane drops in on Bachelor Jake to show him some engagement ring options. At this point Bachelor Jake is still in limbo trying to decide which woman to propose to. So, he picks a ring for both Vienna and Tenley and continues to think about which woman he wants to marry as he puts on his final rose ceremony suit and paisley tie that reeked of JC Penny circa 1991.

The first helicopter to arrive is Tenley’s. As any true Bachelor fan knows, the first woman to arrive is the one he doesn’t pick. I have to hand it to Bachelor Jake for at least jumping right in and telling her she isn’t the one. Past Bachelors have said too much to the runner up and the poor woman ends up in total shock and hysterics. I think Tenley knew as soon he started talking that it wasn’t going to go her way. I applaud the way she handled herself, but wish she would have thanked him a little less. He is, after all, dumping her on national television. As Jake walks Tenley to the reject limo he tells her he’ll never forget her and Tenley asks,”Why are you saying goodbye to me then?” He should’ve probably just kept his mouth shut. There is nothing any Bachelor could ever say in this moment to soften the blow of being broken with and then to turn around minutes later and propose to another woman. With bad hair extensions. And with a name like Vienna.

And then the moment we’ve been waiting for all season – Ali is named the next Bachelorette! Oh, yeah and Jake asked Vienna to marry him. Yadda, yadda, yadda. She won the engagement ring. Yadda, yadda, yadda. And my streak of picking winners is over. Yadda.

So, “The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love” has permanently landed and what a beautiful ride it’s been for Bachelor Jake and Vienna. Personally, I’ve needed to reach for my barf bag a few times. See you in May as we join Ali on her quest to find a husband.

Week 7

It was finally Fantasy Suite Date Night week – let the individual room-foregoing and vaginal trailblazing begin!

But before we’re able to join Bachelor Jake and his prospects in St. Lucia, we must first check in to see how poor Ali is coping with her decision to leave the show. We find her back home in San Francisco buried under a pile of used tissues, tear-streaked and bedridden, curled up with some glossies of Bachelor Jake. What a thoughtful parting gift, autographed pictures of the Bachelor. And did anyone else notice the clock on her bedside table – it read 6:05. PM. Ali, get a grip! You met him on a reality TV dating show. Get out of the bed and sign up with Match.com. It’s the only other truly respectable way to meet someone other than on “The Bachelor.”

While Ali drowns her sorrows with Little Debbie’s and Arbor Mist, we join Gia and Bachelor Jake at Pigeon Island in St. Lucia for the first Fantasy Date of the episode. Bachelor Jake takes Gia on a boat ride around the island and to a St. Lucian market. For some reason Bachelor Jake secretly thinks Gia is a stuck up priss and that St. Lucia is some third world country, so he wanted to see if she could handle being among the natives. Yes, because roaming the dangerous streets of touristy St. Lucia with the Bachelor and a camera crew in tow will definitely bring out one’s inner humanitarian. And what kind of slam was that against the wonderful people of St. Lucia? After drinking from coconuts and taking in several street performances, Bachelor Jake treats Gia to a heart shaped necklace made by a local artisan. Instead of wearing it around her neck, Gia wraps it around her wrist and tells us, “For the rest of my life I’ll wear this necklace on my wrist because I wear my heart on my sleeve for Jake.” I think the real reason she’s wearing it on her wrist is because it’s not from Tiffany. After surviving their day in the St. Lucian ghetto, Gia joins Bachelor Jake for a romantic dinner on the beach. Dressed all in sparkles, Gia tells Bachelor Jake that she’s never met a guy that knew what he wanted like he does. Time out. Gia, Bachelor Jake is on a fantasy vacation in St. Lucia with three different women trying to decide which one to marry on national television. That definitely isn’t the definition of knowing what you want. While snuggled in a hammock, or hemmock as our Bachelor called it, Jake presents Gia with the Fantasy Suite Card. After zero hesitation, the two decide to spend the night together and the individual rooms are foregone. Once the pair arrives at the suite they waste no time jumping into a bubble bath. And that’s all I’m going to say on that. Dudes in bubble baths make me want to reach for the knife drawer.

While Ali drowns her sorrows with Krispy Kreme donuts and box of Franzia, Bachelor Jake meets up with Tenley for his second Fantasy Date. They take a helicopter ride above the St. Lucian rainforests and then cozy up for a picnic at a plantation. The two talk about traveling, her ex-husband, family, her ex-husband, marriage and her ex-husband. Tenley, am I going to have to send you a muzzle? Ixnay on the exnay if you’re serious about winning this engagement ring. After the picnic they take a romantic walk along the black sand beach which naturally leads to a make-out session in the ocean. Later that night Tenley meets Bachelor Jake for dinner where she tells our Bachelor that she’s falling in love with him. He kisses her passionately and then asks her dance. And we all know what dancing gets you in the mood for. Bachelor Jake pulls the ‘ol Fantasy Suite Card out of his pocket and hands it to Tenley. She says she “wants every second” she can spend with him and thus foregoes her individual room. The Fantasy Suite is full of rose petals, candlelight and the promise of sweet sexytime with a beautiful yet soul-crushingly vapid young woman. Isn’t love grand?

While Ali drowns her sorrows with Cheetos and Jager, Vienna gets treated to the final Fantasy Date of the episode. Bachelor Jake decides to take Vienna on a pirate ship mainly because he knows he’ll get some booty. Unfortunately, the two seemed to have a great afternoon playing pirate and sadly, he never asked her to walk the plank. Arrrg! That night over yet another romantic beachside dinner, Vienna decides to go out on a limb and tell Bachelor Jake how she truly feels. She tells him she’s ready to be a wife, have children and most importantly wear more hair extensions. And for some reason Bachelor Jake responds by asking her what type of engagement ring she likes. She favors a princess cut as it turns out. Shocking. He then hands Vienna the Fantasy Suite Card. I was completely surprised Vienna knew how to read and not all surprised she forewent her individual room. Once they make it into the rose petal-laden Fantasy Suite, Vienna announces that she has a surprise for Bachelor Jake and retreats to the bathroom for a wardrobe change. Like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon, Vienna returns wearing the classy combination of a white teddy and black underwear. I have no idea what Bachelor Jake prefers when it comes to women’s underpinnings, so I hope this K-Mart special did it for him.

After all the Fantasy Dates have commenced and all the Fantasy Suits have been properly disinfected, we catch up with Bachelor Jake challaxin’ in his room when he gets a phone call. Now I had a few scenarios running through my mind when the phone rang.

A.) Vienna calling with her blood test results.
B.) Chris Harrison calling to see if it was ok to take off his HASMAT suit.
C.) Ali, hopped up on Twinkies and Jim Beam, calling to win him back.

For those of you playing along at home, it was Ali. Doing her best to convince Bachelor Jake she’s made the worst decision of her life, Ali tells him, “I know in my heart this is what I want and I hope you feel a little of what I feel.” Unless Ali also feels a burning, itching sensation, it doesn’t look like Bachelor Jake is feeling it with Ali. And so she remains in San Francisco to drown her sorrows in Hostess Cupcakes and vodka.

This episode’s rose ceremony was fairly predictable and I wish Chris Harrison had dubbed it as The Most Predictable Rose Ceremony Yet. Despite her fake bosom and fitness model physique, Gia was sent back to New York on the reject limo. And now that we’re down to two, the finish line to the engagement ring is almost in sight.