Well, now we know what caused the Icelandic volcano to erupt earlier this year; the Bachelorette visited Iceland. Mother Nature is actually revolting against reality TV dating shows. Thousands of stranded international travelers, you now have Ali to thank.
The week in Iceland began with a one-on-one date with Scrapbook Kirk. Ali took Kirk on a shopping tour around Reykjavik where they bought matching sweaters, toboggans, and pair of conjoined mittens. I bet Kirk was hoping to stumble across a scrapbook store so he could get to work on his Iceland page ASAP. After the shopping spree, the sweatered sweethearts sat down for some coffee talk. Kirk opened up to Ali about his dating history and we learn that he’s never been in a relationship that’s lasted longer than a year. Ali finds this fact a little worrisome and wonders if he’s ready to be in something as long-term as “til death do you part.” Kirk also tells Ali about some medical issues he dealt with while in college. Apparently co-ed Kirk lived in a condemned shantytown where the walls were made completely of black mold and asbestos and he had to shower with sewer water. University housing has really improved! Ali’s expression during this conversation conveyed one of panic as she must’ve been wondering about the condition of his current living situation. Comforted by the fact that being the Bachelorette will earn her a hefty sum off appearances and interviews and she’ll be able to afford a sanitary living space, Ali awarded Kirk the date rose and then offered him a squirt of Purell.
The next day Ali organized a group date where she took the guys horseback riding through the snow. As the date’s resident cowboy, this was Tennessee Ty’s time to shine. From adjusting saddles to hoisting people onto their horses, Ty was like effin’ John Wayne blazing the Icelandic tundras. After an afternoon of horse play, the group settled in for a night of hot tubbing. Ty was the first to be pulled away for some alone time with Ali. Ty confesses that he’s starting to have strong feelings for Ali and as she compliments his horseback riding skills, he leans in for a hot and steamy kiss. Ride a cowboy indeed! Ali also gets alone time with Frank, Sexy Roberto, and Cape Cod Chris. And by alone time, I mean make-out sessions.
Meanwhile, back at the Boy Scout meeting, a date card arrives for R-Rated and Kreepy Kasey. Both gentlemen have been invited to join Ali for the season’s first two-on-one date. Let the scheming commence! R-Rated’s first mission was to get his cast off before the date. Note to self, if I should ever need an emergency cast removal, get thee to Iceland. That Icelandic doctor didn’t ask a single question or even gather R-Rated’s medical history. He just fired up that chainsaw-like instrument and started cutting. Once his massive entertainment wresting leg was free, R-Rated dumped his crutches in the trashcan and went back to the hotel to slick back his hair before the evening’s date. Kasey’s tactic for the date remained unchanged; continue to be your creepy self and show Ali the rose tattoo. Ali picks her dates up in a helicopter where they fly over Eyjafjallajökull, the lava-spewing volcano. From there, they land on a giant glacier where they dine on strawberries and champagne and sit on ice sculptures. During her alone time with Kasey, she asks him if he thought about what she said on their last date about the genuineness of his gestures. And with that Kreeps pulls up his shirtsleeve and shows Ali the tattoo. Stunned and silently already deciding to send him packing, Ali tells Kasey she is glad he found this apparent tattoo-worthy experience so profound. Ultimately and unshockingly, she gives R-Rated the date rose and leaves Kasey alone on the glacier with his rose tattoo. Because Kasey was such an integral and interesting aspect to the show, especially his songs, here is a little ditty I’d like to dedicate to Kreeps.
(Sung in the key of ‘off.’)
You just wanted to guard and protect her heart from all the other dudes
But you kept singing creepy songs and then got a rose tattoo.
Now she’s left you on a glacier in the middle Iceland
As she flies away in a helicopter into the arms of another man.
The next night is the rose ceremony and we finally get some alone time with the strangely elusive Chris N. Last post I predicted that this would be the week Chris N. would come out of his shell and sweep Ali off her feet. Would you mind passing the salt and pepper, I must eat my words. Trying to find his personality pulse, Ali asks Chris what is guiltiest pleasure would be. After moments of silence, Chris responds by saying, “Mexican food.” Needless to say this burrito-loving bachelor did not receive a rose. During his ride on the reject limo, Chris tells us he’s “at a loss for words.” Never a truer statement has been uttered in the history of “The Bachelor” franchise.
Next week we will learn with of the remaining suitors has a girlfriend and who Ali is dramatically chasing down that winding staircase.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Week 4: "To guard and protect your heart"
This week the bachelorette and her brood of dudes left the sunny shores of California to take a bite out of the Big Apple. But biting wasn’t the only thing going on in the city that never sleeps. There was also lots kissing, cuddling, dancing, and tattooing. Naturally.
First up on the NYC itinerary is a one-on-one date with Kreepy Kasey. This is Kreep’s first visit to New York so Ali wants to make sure he sees one of the city’s most famous attractions, the Natural History Museum. Personally, I think she should’ve taken him to Rikers Island because I’m pretty sure he has a body parts nailed to his floorboards. But I’ve never been on a date in New York, so I guess the Natural History Museum is a better choice. The museum is open just for Ali and Kasey and the pair runs around like school children on a second grade field trip pretending the dinosaur bones are going to come to life and the stuffed monkeys are going to eat them. Like I said, I’ve never dated in New York City, so maybe that’s a hip thing to do on dates; run around like children and scream like monkeys. That certainly explains why Carrie Bradshaw was single for so long. Those crazy “Sex and the City” broads wasted too much time going to trendy clubs! A one-on-one date wouldn’t be complete without a pile of pillows to lounge on and glasses of champagne to sip. So, as Ali and Kreepy Kasey cozy in for some chit-chat, Kreeps starts to serenade his date with an original song. Kasey doesn’t exactly have the talking voice of an angel so his singing made nails on a chalkboard seem positively melodic. I kept waiting for “American Idol’s” Randy Jackson to jump out from behind the scenes and yell, “You’re a little pitchy, dawg.” As if the singing didn’t win Ali’s heart, Kreeps decides to profess his love for her after a mere four weeks. Afraid that Kasey isn’t being 100% sincere, Ali is hesitant about giving him the date rose but isn’t quite ready to send him back to the loony-bin. So, Kasey gets a stay of execution and chance to prove his genuineness.
The next night Ali takes the boys to Broadway for a chance to perform on the Great White Way. The guys competed against one another for a spot in “The Lion King.” I must say, Man Cub Jesse has a set of pipes on him! Who knew people from Montana sang so well! But Sexy Roberto had the wherewithal to actually sing to Ali, so he was chosen to make his Broadway debut alongside our Bachelorette. The debut, which involved leotards and wire cables, occurred during the musical’s final number. The two were suspended in the air and turned tricks as they hovered above the audience. Again, I’ve never dated in New York…
The next day was Cape Cod Chris’ birthday which automatically earned him a one-on-one date. Well-played, birthday boy! Unfortunately, Ali wasn’t feeling well and decided they would just hang out in her suite instead of going on the date she had planned in the city. Like the sweetheart that Cape Cod is proving to be, he brings our beleaguered bachelorette some chicken noodle soup and a bouquet of flowers. After a few hours of lounging in Ali’s deathbed, she decides to rally for his birthday and the two hit the town for dinner. She surprises the birthday boy with a lobster feast and a phone call home to the Cape so he can talk to his father. After dinner, Ali and Chris head up to the roof for a private performance by a guy I had never head of and while they slow danced in the moonlight, she offered him the date rose and a goodnight kiss.
Meanwhile, over on Brokeback Mountain, Kreepy Kasey has been MIA. Was he off taking voice lessons? On a killing spree? Shopping at H&M? If you guessed getting a rose tattoo on his wrist, you are correct! Kreeps returned with a bandage on his wrist and tall-tale about getting a second degree burn. R-Rated’s mom obviously didn’t raise no fool, because he questioned the story the minute Kasey walked in the door. At that night’s cocktail party Kreeps decided to come clean with his whereabouts and shows the other guys his new tat – a rose protected by a shield. Ed Hardy eat your bedazzled heart out. Lawyer Craig earned the quote of the night when he told Kreeps, “You’re going to be remembered as the guy from the Bachelorette that got a tattoo.” Hey, we all need to make a name for ourselves…
Tensions were high during the evening’s rose ceremony. The Weatherman was especially worried about his fate as he didn’t get much time alone with Ali this week. Frank was also fretting about getting rose as he feared their initial connection was starting to wane. Sexy and Cape Cod were both safe as they had received date roses. Scrapbook Kirk, Tennessee Ty, Lawyer Craig, R-Rated, Frank, and Chris N. all made it safely to next week. And so we say a tearful good bye to Man Cub Jesse and The Weatherman. Now, we have yet to hear a peep from this Chris N. character. He’s so mysterious! I wonder what the N stands for? I don’t even have a nickname for him. Were all his scenes left on the cutting room floor? Is he the dark horse of the season? I have a feeling that he may be soon become a forerunner and ABC has been playing mind tricks, distracting us with crutches, and tattoos and weathermen. Chis N. is obviously where it’s at.
First up on the NYC itinerary is a one-on-one date with Kreepy Kasey. This is Kreep’s first visit to New York so Ali wants to make sure he sees one of the city’s most famous attractions, the Natural History Museum. Personally, I think she should’ve taken him to Rikers Island because I’m pretty sure he has a body parts nailed to his floorboards. But I’ve never been on a date in New York, so I guess the Natural History Museum is a better choice. The museum is open just for Ali and Kasey and the pair runs around like school children on a second grade field trip pretending the dinosaur bones are going to come to life and the stuffed monkeys are going to eat them. Like I said, I’ve never dated in New York City, so maybe that’s a hip thing to do on dates; run around like children and scream like monkeys. That certainly explains why Carrie Bradshaw was single for so long. Those crazy “Sex and the City” broads wasted too much time going to trendy clubs! A one-on-one date wouldn’t be complete without a pile of pillows to lounge on and glasses of champagne to sip. So, as Ali and Kreepy Kasey cozy in for some chit-chat, Kreeps starts to serenade his date with an original song. Kasey doesn’t exactly have the talking voice of an angel so his singing made nails on a chalkboard seem positively melodic. I kept waiting for “American Idol’s” Randy Jackson to jump out from behind the scenes and yell, “You’re a little pitchy, dawg.” As if the singing didn’t win Ali’s heart, Kreeps decides to profess his love for her after a mere four weeks. Afraid that Kasey isn’t being 100% sincere, Ali is hesitant about giving him the date rose but isn’t quite ready to send him back to the loony-bin. So, Kasey gets a stay of execution and chance to prove his genuineness.
The next night Ali takes the boys to Broadway for a chance to perform on the Great White Way. The guys competed against one another for a spot in “The Lion King.” I must say, Man Cub Jesse has a set of pipes on him! Who knew people from Montana sang so well! But Sexy Roberto had the wherewithal to actually sing to Ali, so he was chosen to make his Broadway debut alongside our Bachelorette. The debut, which involved leotards and wire cables, occurred during the musical’s final number. The two were suspended in the air and turned tricks as they hovered above the audience. Again, I’ve never dated in New York…
The next day was Cape Cod Chris’ birthday which automatically earned him a one-on-one date. Well-played, birthday boy! Unfortunately, Ali wasn’t feeling well and decided they would just hang out in her suite instead of going on the date she had planned in the city. Like the sweetheart that Cape Cod is proving to be, he brings our beleaguered bachelorette some chicken noodle soup and a bouquet of flowers. After a few hours of lounging in Ali’s deathbed, she decides to rally for his birthday and the two hit the town for dinner. She surprises the birthday boy with a lobster feast and a phone call home to the Cape so he can talk to his father. After dinner, Ali and Chris head up to the roof for a private performance by a guy I had never head of and while they slow danced in the moonlight, she offered him the date rose and a goodnight kiss.
Meanwhile, over on Brokeback Mountain, Kreepy Kasey has been MIA. Was he off taking voice lessons? On a killing spree? Shopping at H&M? If you guessed getting a rose tattoo on his wrist, you are correct! Kreeps returned with a bandage on his wrist and tall-tale about getting a second degree burn. R-Rated’s mom obviously didn’t raise no fool, because he questioned the story the minute Kasey walked in the door. At that night’s cocktail party Kreeps decided to come clean with his whereabouts and shows the other guys his new tat – a rose protected by a shield. Ed Hardy eat your bedazzled heart out. Lawyer Craig earned the quote of the night when he told Kreeps, “You’re going to be remembered as the guy from the Bachelorette that got a tattoo.” Hey, we all need to make a name for ourselves…
Tensions were high during the evening’s rose ceremony. The Weatherman was especially worried about his fate as he didn’t get much time alone with Ali this week. Frank was also fretting about getting rose as he feared their initial connection was starting to wane. Sexy and Cape Cod were both safe as they had received date roses. Scrapbook Kirk, Tennessee Ty, Lawyer Craig, R-Rated, Frank, and Chris N. all made it safely to next week. And so we say a tearful good bye to Man Cub Jesse and The Weatherman. Now, we have yet to hear a peep from this Chris N. character. He’s so mysterious! I wonder what the N stands for? I don’t even have a nickname for him. Were all his scenes left on the cutting room floor? Is he the dark horse of the season? I have a feeling that he may be soon become a forerunner and ABC has been playing mind tricks, distracting us with crutches, and tattoos and weathermen. Chis N. is obviously where it’s at.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Week 3- "Not many guys make me feel nervous"
It was a week of firsts on last night’s episode of “The Bachelorette.” The Weatherman gets his first kiss, Ali sends her first suitor home after a one-on-one, and Man Cub Jesse is the first to wear a denim shirt to a rose ceremony. This episode should be dipped in bronze and sent to the National Archives Museum.
Ali gets things started with a one-on-one date with Sexy Roberto. Roll them r’s! A helicopter swoops down and lifts Ali and Roberto up into the skies for a scenic flight over Los Angeles. But a cuddle-copter ride isn’t the sole purpose of their date. Ali has something far more adventurous in mind, like tightrope walking followed by a romantic dinner. The pair strap on harnesses, helmets, and matching Chuck Taylors and begin their delicate trek across the skyline. At the halfway mark Sexy Roberto turns toward Ali and steadily goes in for a kiss 20 stories above the LA freeway. They make it safely to the adjacent rooftop where they then enjoy a candlelit dinner and a beautiful California sunset. Needless to say, Sexy Roberto was offered and accepted the date rose. Muy caliente!
The next afternoon Ali takes several of the guys on a group date to be in a music video for Barenaked Ladies’ newest single. The recession has certainly not hurt the group date industry. I remember when “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” group dates were simple trips to the zoo, amusement parks, or just sitting in a hot tub. ABC is shelling out the big bucks this season to bring in 90’s rock bands. Frank’s scene with Ali is first on the agenda and much to his chagrin, Ali is to slap him across the face in their scene, which takes nine takes to perfect. Scrapbook Kirk gets a bedroom scene with Ali and tells her, “I don’t even care if the cameras are rolling.” Hm, sounds like someone may have an interesting hobby. The Weatherman also has an intimate scene with Ali where he must sneak up on her and kiss her. The Weatherman’s a nervous wreck about the kiss and at one point starts to cry, or maybe he’s just rainy. But, Ali calms his nerves when she plants a passionate kiss on him unexpectedly. And The Weatherman cometh!
Next up for Ali is a one-on-one date with Texas Hunter. We haven’t heard much from Hunter so far, so this date is clutch for him to stay in the game. While Hunter’s getting prepped for the evening, R-Rated decides to take matters into his own hands, or shall we say cast, and goes to visit Ali at her mansion a few miles up the road. R-Rated hobbles along the freeway for nearly two hours so he can score some alone time with the bachelorette. Ali seems shocked yet genuinely surprised that R-Rated walked, on crutches, just to visit her. She obviously hasn’t dated enough dudes with broken legs. The two sit on the couch and look at R-Rated’s family pictures and talk about their families. Then it’s time for Ali to head back to frat house and exchange him for Hunter.
Ali and Hunter have a chill first date at her mansion where they grill hamburgers and share awkward silences in the hot tub. Trying hard to find a romantic connection, Ali senses that Hunter just isn’t the husband of her reality show dreams and decides she must send him back to Texas.
The next night at the cocktail party while canoodling with Roberto, Ali lets it slip that R-Rated surprised her with a house call. Once Ali is swept away by another suitor, Roberto tells some of the other guys about R-Rated’s roadtrip and that has everyone convinced he’s here for the wrong reasons. But Ali must think otherwise and R-Rated is given the final rose of the episode. And so we say goodbye to Steve and John C. Yeah, I didn’t know who they are either.
Tune in next week when Kreepy Kasey gets creepier and The Weatherman gets his debut on Broadway.
Ali gets things started with a one-on-one date with Sexy Roberto. Roll them r’s! A helicopter swoops down and lifts Ali and Roberto up into the skies for a scenic flight over Los Angeles. But a cuddle-copter ride isn’t the sole purpose of their date. Ali has something far more adventurous in mind, like tightrope walking followed by a romantic dinner. The pair strap on harnesses, helmets, and matching Chuck Taylors and begin their delicate trek across the skyline. At the halfway mark Sexy Roberto turns toward Ali and steadily goes in for a kiss 20 stories above the LA freeway. They make it safely to the adjacent rooftop where they then enjoy a candlelit dinner and a beautiful California sunset. Needless to say, Sexy Roberto was offered and accepted the date rose. Muy caliente!
The next afternoon Ali takes several of the guys on a group date to be in a music video for Barenaked Ladies’ newest single. The recession has certainly not hurt the group date industry. I remember when “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” group dates were simple trips to the zoo, amusement parks, or just sitting in a hot tub. ABC is shelling out the big bucks this season to bring in 90’s rock bands. Frank’s scene with Ali is first on the agenda and much to his chagrin, Ali is to slap him across the face in their scene, which takes nine takes to perfect. Scrapbook Kirk gets a bedroom scene with Ali and tells her, “I don’t even care if the cameras are rolling.” Hm, sounds like someone may have an interesting hobby. The Weatherman also has an intimate scene with Ali where he must sneak up on her and kiss her. The Weatherman’s a nervous wreck about the kiss and at one point starts to cry, or maybe he’s just rainy. But, Ali calms his nerves when she plants a passionate kiss on him unexpectedly. And The Weatherman cometh!
Next up for Ali is a one-on-one date with Texas Hunter. We haven’t heard much from Hunter so far, so this date is clutch for him to stay in the game. While Hunter’s getting prepped for the evening, R-Rated decides to take matters into his own hands, or shall we say cast, and goes to visit Ali at her mansion a few miles up the road. R-Rated hobbles along the freeway for nearly two hours so he can score some alone time with the bachelorette. Ali seems shocked yet genuinely surprised that R-Rated walked, on crutches, just to visit her. She obviously hasn’t dated enough dudes with broken legs. The two sit on the couch and look at R-Rated’s family pictures and talk about their families. Then it’s time for Ali to head back to frat house and exchange him for Hunter.
Ali and Hunter have a chill first date at her mansion where they grill hamburgers and share awkward silences in the hot tub. Trying hard to find a romantic connection, Ali senses that Hunter just isn’t the husband of her reality show dreams and decides she must send him back to Texas.
The next night at the cocktail party while canoodling with Roberto, Ali lets it slip that R-Rated surprised her with a house call. Once Ali is swept away by another suitor, Roberto tells some of the other guys about R-Rated’s roadtrip and that has everyone convinced he’s here for the wrong reasons. But Ali must think otherwise and R-Rated is given the final rose of the episode. And so we say goodbye to Steve and John C. Yeah, I didn’t know who they are either.
Tune in next week when Kreepy Kasey gets creepier and The Weatherman gets his debut on Broadway.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Week 2- "I'm dating 17 guys!"
Ali is dating 17 guys this week. Sounds like me in college, plus or minus a few. Mainly minus a few. Maybe minus 17. But basically, that was totally me in college so I can definitely relate to having a multitude of beaux clamoring my affections. This was a very sentimental episode for me.
The clamoring contender to get the coveted first one-on-one date with Ali is Aspiring Screenwriter Frank from Illinois. Ali picks Frank up in a vintage powder blue convertible and takes him to Hollywood’s walk of fame. While checking out all the star’s stars, Ali is bombarded by “Bachelore/ette” fans/tourists asking for autographs and pictures. The recession has truly hit everyone. Those are some hard-up tourists settling for Bachelorette Ali’s John Hancock on their Hard Rock Café lunch receipts. Kate Gosselin could’ve at least thrown them a bone and dropped a hairweave or a kid on the sidewalk during her march to the tanning salon.
Meanwhile, at the Sausage Factory, Lawyer Craig from Philadelphia gets into a heated discussion with R-Rated Justin about his true intentions for being on the show. Because he’s an “entertainment wrestler,” Lawyer Craig feels that R-Rated Justin is “here for the wrong reasons.” For the love of Chris Harrison! Every season we hear this exact same argument. Every season someone is accused of “being here for the wrong reasons.” Every season someone is an “aspiring/professional/ama
Back on the date, Ali takes Frank up a dirt trail that leads to the famous Hollywood sign overlooking the city. Cozily situated between the two L’s, Ali asks Frank about his screenwriting career and move to Paris. I’m not totally convinced Frank actually moved to Paris. Maybe this ambiguous “move to Paris” was actually to Paris, Kentucky or Paris, Tennessee and he never bothers to correct anyone that assumes Paris, France. He claims he “lived” in “Paris” for barely a month and never learned to speak French. So, Frank basically went to “Paris” once on vacation and now he folds cargo shorts as the manager of American Eagle in the suburbs and at night he writes out his pent-up teen angst in hopes of becoming the next Howard Hughes. But Ali gives Frank the first kiss of the season, and a rose, on top of that Hollywood hill and gives us reason to believe he could be the leading man of her dreams. Barf. I went there.
The next day Ali takes her brood of boyfriends on a group date to Malibu for a calendar photo shoot on the beach. Again, that sounds just like dates I went on in college. I was so progressive for the early naughts. Like an explosion of Ed Hardy models, the guys bound out of the limo to greet our bachelorette. Some highlights from the photo shoot include Canadian Craig and his great head of hair, Tennessee Ty who played guitar during his modeling sesh, and Jonathan the Weatherman conquering his fear of Speedos. Tennessee Ty cowboys up and is the first to steal Ali away for some alone time. He has a semi-serious conversation with Ali about his previous marriage, but I couldn’t concentrate much for being distracted by that scorpion necklace hanging around his neck. Tennessee Ty needs to follow the words of Coco Chanel and always take off two things before leaving the frat house. But that scorpion could be his good luck charm because he was given the date rose and advances to the next round. Just as Tennessee Ty was hoping to make his move, The Weatherman and his white leather jacket walk in and interrupt. After a bumbling rant of compliments, The Weatherman warns Ali about shit storm Canadian Craig that hopes to make its way south. Ali seems grateful for his prediction and walks with him hand in hand to meet up with her other boyfriends.
Back at the Man Cave, the leftovers receive the next one-on-one date card. This date goes to Jesse from Peculiar, Montana. Jesse is given a pair of cuff-links to wear on the date and as he’s admiring them he discloses that the suit he brought to wear on the show is the first suit he’s ever owned. Aw, 24 year old man cubs are so cute when they buy their first suits! Ali takes Man Cub Jesse on a private jet to the fabulous Las Vegas. The duo takes a dip in Liquid Pool and we get a chance to check out Man Cub’s abdominals and ink. After an afternoon at the pool, Man Cub gets to put that new suit to use and meets up with Ali for a romantic dinner. The two get to know a little more about each other and Ali decides to give Man Cub Jesse the date rose.
At this week’s Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party Cape Cod Chris, Sexy Roberto, and Kreepy Kasey get their first alone time of the episode. All was going well for these patient bachelors until Frank and his aspiring screenwriter lips come over to steal Ali away for a make-out session. Then shit storm Canadian Craig makes landfall for an awkward chit-chat where he finds out that one of the guys called him “dangerous.” I think that’s the first time in history that anyone from Canada has been referred to as “dangerous.” Oh, Canada! But shit storm Canadian Craig moved out pretty quickly as he didn’t receive rose. The Weatherman, however, made it to another week and hopes for clear skies from here on out.
Tune in next week when R-Rated Justin pays Ali an unexpected visit and Sexy Roberto goes tight-rope walking in the name of love.
The clamoring contender to get the coveted first one-on-one date with Ali is Aspiring Screenwriter Frank from Illinois. Ali picks Frank up in a vintage powder blue convertible and takes him to Hollywood’s walk of fame. While checking out all the star’s stars, Ali is bombarded by “Bachelore/ette” fans/tourists asking for autographs and pictures. The recession has truly hit everyone. Those are some hard-up tourists settling for Bachelorette Ali’s John Hancock on their Hard Rock Café lunch receipts. Kate Gosselin could’ve at least thrown them a bone and dropped a hairweave or a kid on the sidewalk during her march to the tanning salon.
Meanwhile, at the Sausage Factory, Lawyer Craig from Philadelphia gets into a heated discussion with R-Rated Justin about his true intentions for being on the show. Because he’s an “entertainment wrestler,” Lawyer Craig feels that R-Rated Justin is “here for the wrong reasons.” For the love of Chris Harrison! Every season we hear this exact same argument. Every season someone is accused of “being here for the wrong reasons.” Every season someone is an “aspiring/professional/ama
Back on the date, Ali takes Frank up a dirt trail that leads to the famous Hollywood sign overlooking the city. Cozily situated between the two L’s, Ali asks Frank about his screenwriting career and move to Paris. I’m not totally convinced Frank actually moved to Paris. Maybe this ambiguous “move to Paris” was actually to Paris, Kentucky or Paris, Tennessee and he never bothers to correct anyone that assumes Paris, France. He claims he “lived” in “Paris” for barely a month and never learned to speak French. So, Frank basically went to “Paris” once on vacation and now he folds cargo shorts as the manager of American Eagle in the suburbs and at night he writes out his pent-up teen angst in hopes of becoming the next Howard Hughes. But Ali gives Frank the first kiss of the season, and a rose, on top of that Hollywood hill and gives us reason to believe he could be the leading man of her dreams. Barf. I went there.
The next day Ali takes her brood of boyfriends on a group date to Malibu for a calendar photo shoot on the beach. Again, that sounds just like dates I went on in college. I was so progressive for the early naughts. Like an explosion of Ed Hardy models, the guys bound out of the limo to greet our bachelorette. Some highlights from the photo shoot include Canadian Craig and his great head of hair, Tennessee Ty who played guitar during his modeling sesh, and Jonathan the Weatherman conquering his fear of Speedos. Tennessee Ty cowboys up and is the first to steal Ali away for some alone time. He has a semi-serious conversation with Ali about his previous marriage, but I couldn’t concentrate much for being distracted by that scorpion necklace hanging around his neck. Tennessee Ty needs to follow the words of Coco Chanel and always take off two things before leaving the frat house. But that scorpion could be his good luck charm because he was given the date rose and advances to the next round. Just as Tennessee Ty was hoping to make his move, The Weatherman and his white leather jacket walk in and interrupt. After a bumbling rant of compliments, The Weatherman warns Ali about shit storm Canadian Craig that hopes to make its way south. Ali seems grateful for his prediction and walks with him hand in hand to meet up with her other boyfriends.
Back at the Man Cave, the leftovers receive the next one-on-one date card. This date goes to Jesse from Peculiar, Montana. Jesse is given a pair of cuff-links to wear on the date and as he’s admiring them he discloses that the suit he brought to wear on the show is the first suit he’s ever owned. Aw, 24 year old man cubs are so cute when they buy their first suits! Ali takes Man Cub Jesse on a private jet to the fabulous Las Vegas. The duo takes a dip in Liquid Pool and we get a chance to check out Man Cub’s abdominals and ink. After an afternoon at the pool, Man Cub gets to put that new suit to use and meets up with Ali for a romantic dinner. The two get to know a little more about each other and Ali decides to give Man Cub Jesse the date rose.
At this week’s Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party Cape Cod Chris, Sexy Roberto, and Kreepy Kasey get their first alone time of the episode. All was going well for these patient bachelors until Frank and his aspiring screenwriter lips come over to steal Ali away for a make-out session. Then shit storm Canadian Craig makes landfall for an awkward chit-chat where he finds out that one of the guys called him “dangerous.” I think that’s the first time in history that anyone from Canada has been referred to as “dangerous.” Oh, Canada! But shit storm Canadian Craig moved out pretty quickly as he didn’t receive rose. The Weatherman, however, made it to another week and hopes for clear skies from here on out.
Tune in next week when R-Rated Justin pays Ali an unexpected visit and Sexy Roberto goes tight-rope walking in the name of love.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Bring on the Boys: Bachelorette Episode One
And so we meet again. Welcome back, Bachelor fans! Over the next seven weeks we’ll follow Bachelorette Ali as she splashes in a hot tub with 25 eligible bachelors as they vie for a rose and a life-long commitment. If all goes as the producers plan, Ali will find the love of her life and plan an extravagant wedding just in time for November sweeps.
As if the “The Bachelorette” promos ever gave us a chance to forget, tonight’s episode began with a re-cap of when we last saw Bachelorette Ali. As you recall, Ali exited “The Bachelor” early as she was forced to choose between love and her career. Second-guessing her decision to chose “a computer screen and a mouse over true love,” Ali has since quit her job, moved out of her apartment and will devote the next few weeks of her life on finding a husband. Maybe Solicitor General Elena Kagan should follow suit and quit the Supreme Court confirmation hearing and devote some serious time to finding a husband. There’s really no other way to squash the rumors. “The Bachelorette: From Gavel to Wedding Gown” coming this fall to ABC.
After we’re all caught up with Ali, we get to meet her bevy of boys as they file out of the limo hoping to make a good first impression. Twenty-five men attempted to make such impression, but very few succeeded. I do not envy Bachelorette Ali, to put it mildly. We meet Frank the aspiring screenwriter from Chicago. We all know “aspiring screenwriter” is just the politically correct term for “Chili’s bartender that lives in his parent’s basement and owns a Mac.” Then there’s Jay, the personal injury lawyer from Rhode Island. Jay might have made it past the first round had not looked like he was always on the lurch for an ambulance to chase. Justin from Canada was one of the most memorable men of the evening. Justin is what they, in the biz, call an “entertainment wrestler.” And his “entertainment wrestling” name is R-Rated. Justin broke his ankle while “entertainment wrestling” and must hobble on crutches from the limo to our beautiful bachelorette. Ali seems to be somehow smitten by R-Rated and makes us wonder if the two will be able to keep it PG in future episodes.
Roberto and his sexy accent received the first impression rose, or as me, in the biz, call it the FIR. Who knew Ali was such a sucker for salsa dancing and text book Spanish? If these other schmucks had only twirled her around a little and counted to ten in another language they, too, would have had a rose to accept. Kirk from Wisconsin on the other hand has the ladies all figured out. He made a scrapbook and presented it to Ali during their alone time. Kirk’s scrapbook, complete with decorative stickers and dye-cuts, showcased his friends and family members and his creepiness.
Speaking of creepy, Kasey from California gives me the closeted serial-killer vibe. He has that clean-cut, boy next door look that no one would suspect him of having body parts in is deep freeze. He keeps telling Ali that “no matter what he’ll always guard her heart.” And he’ll “always open a door and get a glass of wine for a woman.” Yeah, open the door to your creepy dungeon basement and offer a glass of chardonnay laced with strychnine. Or maybe I just watch too much “48 Hours Mystery.”
Though I don’t believe he’ll be a frontrunner, my favorite boy of the bunch would have to be Jonathan the weatherman from Houston. Despite looking like a Men’s Warehouse poster child in a lime green dress shirt and matching tie, his jokes were clever and he genuinely made Ali (and me) laugh. And he got a rose. Derrick, also known by his nickname Shooter, did not receive a rose. For those of you that watched and know how he earned his nickname, his moniker lives on as he prematurely leaves the show.
And so our blushing bachelorette has whittled her suitors down to 15. By looks of the this season’s previews are we in for a good show complete with a chase down a winding staircase, a call to 911, and lots of cuddling in blankets. Monday nights are the new black.
As if the “The Bachelorette” promos ever gave us a chance to forget, tonight’s episode began with a re-cap of when we last saw Bachelorette Ali. As you recall, Ali exited “The Bachelor” early as she was forced to choose between love and her career. Second-guessing her decision to chose “a computer screen and a mouse over true love,” Ali has since quit her job, moved out of her apartment and will devote the next few weeks of her life on finding a husband. Maybe Solicitor General Elena Kagan should follow suit and quit the Supreme Court confirmation hearing and devote some serious time to finding a husband. There’s really no other way to squash the rumors. “The Bachelorette: From Gavel to Wedding Gown” coming this fall to ABC.
After we’re all caught up with Ali, we get to meet her bevy of boys as they file out of the limo hoping to make a good first impression. Twenty-five men attempted to make such impression, but very few succeeded. I do not envy Bachelorette Ali, to put it mildly. We meet Frank the aspiring screenwriter from Chicago. We all know “aspiring screenwriter” is just the politically correct term for “Chili’s bartender that lives in his parent’s basement and owns a Mac.” Then there’s Jay, the personal injury lawyer from Rhode Island. Jay might have made it past the first round had not looked like he was always on the lurch for an ambulance to chase. Justin from Canada was one of the most memorable men of the evening. Justin is what they, in the biz, call an “entertainment wrestler.” And his “entertainment wrestling” name is R-Rated. Justin broke his ankle while “entertainment wrestling” and must hobble on crutches from the limo to our beautiful bachelorette. Ali seems to be somehow smitten by R-Rated and makes us wonder if the two will be able to keep it PG in future episodes.
Roberto and his sexy accent received the first impression rose, or as me, in the biz, call it the FIR. Who knew Ali was such a sucker for salsa dancing and text book Spanish? If these other schmucks had only twirled her around a little and counted to ten in another language they, too, would have had a rose to accept. Kirk from Wisconsin on the other hand has the ladies all figured out. He made a scrapbook and presented it to Ali during their alone time. Kirk’s scrapbook, complete with decorative stickers and dye-cuts, showcased his friends and family members and his creepiness.
Speaking of creepy, Kasey from California gives me the closeted serial-killer vibe. He has that clean-cut, boy next door look that no one would suspect him of having body parts in is deep freeze. He keeps telling Ali that “no matter what he’ll always guard her heart.” And he’ll “always open a door and get a glass of wine for a woman.” Yeah, open the door to your creepy dungeon basement and offer a glass of chardonnay laced with strychnine. Or maybe I just watch too much “48 Hours Mystery.”
Though I don’t believe he’ll be a frontrunner, my favorite boy of the bunch would have to be Jonathan the weatherman from Houston. Despite looking like a Men’s Warehouse poster child in a lime green dress shirt and matching tie, his jokes were clever and he genuinely made Ali (and me) laugh. And he got a rose. Derrick, also known by his nickname Shooter, did not receive a rose. For those of you that watched and know how he earned his nickname, his moniker lives on as he prematurely leaves the show.
And so our blushing bachelorette has whittled her suitors down to 15. By looks of the this season’s previews are we in for a good show complete with a chase down a winding staircase, a call to 911, and lots of cuddling in blankets. Monday nights are the new black.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Final Rose!!
Bachelor Jake popped a knee and asked Vienna for her hand in marriage. This was the first season in Bachelor history that my pick didn’t win the engagement ring. It’s like I don’t even know who I am anymore… I’ll stop before I break out in a Hamlet-esque soliloquy.
The Final Rose episode picked up with our love triangle in St. Lucia. Bachelor Jake’s family made the trek to paradise to meet Vienna and Tenley in hopes to help him make his decision. He explains to his brothers and sisters-in-law that he’s fallen completely in love with both women. I for one would love to know that the night before my future fiancé proposes to me that he’s also completely in love with another woman. Nothing says “You complete me” quite like that.
Tenley is the first to meet Bachelor Jake’s family. Looking like an Ann Taylor ad, Tenley walks in with a beautiful bouquet for Momma Bachelor and adorable hugs for the rest of the family. Momma then takes Tenley aside for some girl talk. She tells Tenley, “After Jim is gone, it’s important for me to know that you and Jake will help hold the family together.” I’m not exactly sure why Momma Bachelor went there but for some reason I hope old Jim keeps tabs on his life insurance policy and sleeps with one eye open.
Tenley then brings up her absolute favorite subject; her divorce. Tenley’s divorce has played a big role this season. I think she’s mentioned it nearly every time she’s opened her mouth. So, here’s a little ode to Tenley’s Divorce. Enjoy!
There once was a girl on the Bachelor
That wanted to live happily ever after
But she talked too much of her divorce
And her ex-husband, of course
So away the Bachelor did cast her.
Next it’s time for Daddy Bachelor to have a word with Tenley. And what a softie old Jim turned out to be! He couldn’t get through the conversation without tearing up. He tells us, “Tenley would be a great fit for our family. I feel that I’ve probably met my future daughter-in-law today.” Daddy Jim, how precious are you! If you were to update your Facebook status with that statement, I’d like.
After wowing the family, Tenley and Bachelor Jake jump into the pool fully clothed. In what ended up looking like a baptism scene from “Big Love,” the rest of family followed suit and they all huddled up for a group hug. I’m glad my family just enjoys handshakes.
The next day the family is introduced to Vienna. Looking like a Wet Seal ad, Vienna greets Bachelor Jake’s family with dark roots and awkward silences. Over brunch Vienna tells sister-in-law Laura that she and Tenley are very different mainly because she’s not a “robot.” Vienna, no one would mistake you for a robot. Robots are way classier. After a mother-Bachelor chat, we learn that Momma sees red flags when it comes to Vienna. Worried that she’ll be confrontational with the other sisters-in-law and with Jake, Momma encourages her baby Bachelor to think about how she may act down the road.
The sisters-in-law then get some alone time to talk to Vienna. She tells them that Bachelor Jake brings out the best in her and she wants to spend the next 80 years of her life with him. It’s true, hair extensions are expected to live well into their hundreds. Long live Vienna!
Then, in what looked like a visit to the principal’s office, Momma Bachelor pulls Vienna aside for a talking to. She tells Vienna how important it is she gets along with the other women in the family. So she better not be pulling the same stunts she pulled in the mansion, Momma Bachelor ain’t putting up with it! Surprisingly, the date ends on a happy note and Vienna is welcomed into Bachelor Jake’s family.
The next day Bachelor Jake takes Vienna to a sulfur spring. Only Vienna could turn a romantic afternoon of relaxing into a dirty game of finger paint. The puke-inducing moment of the episode would be when Vienna wrote “I love you” in the mud across Bachelor Jake’s ripped, bare chest. That sounded kind of hot actually. Maybe I should start writing smut novels…
Bachelor Jake and Vienna then meet up for a candlelit evening of lying around on pillows. Vienna also uses the evening to present Bachelor Jake with her “Daddy I Won’t Elope Anymore” ring. As a sign that she’s ready to take their relationship to the next level and be engaged, Vienna gives Bachelor Jake her quasi-promise ring in hopes that in return he’ll give her that princess-cut rock at the finish line/final rose ceremony. I hear that since this episode aired, Kay’s Jewelers is already plumb out of “Daddy I Won’t Elope Anymore” rings. Bachelor Jake also takes this opportunity to ask Vienna what it was like being married for just three weeks. He has very valid reasons for asking Vienna this question. Statistically, the odds are heavily stacked against any Bachelor engagement ever materializing into a marriage. Bachelor Jake was merely seeking her advice on how to handle things when their own engagement dissolves in three weeks. Smart.
The next day Bachelor Jake meets up with Tenley for a boat ride around St. Lucia. The date looks like it should be enjoyable with the snorkeling and underwater frolicking, but something seems to be amiss with our Bachelor. When Tenley asks Bachelor Jake what’s wrong, he first tells her he’s just tired. (Vienna) After a little more prodding, Bachelor Jake tells Tenley that he feels their physical connection is progressing very slowly. Just because she isn’t willing to swing from the rafters like Vienna doesn’t mean there isn’t any “heat,” as Tenley adorably put it. After their day in the sun Bachelor Jake meets up with Tenley for dessert, wine, and more explaining himself. I don’t feel like he ever makes it clear to Tenley what’s bothering him about their physical relationship. The two seem to make up though as they open up a bottle of champagne and take it to the bedroom. Tenley presents Bachelor Jake with a shadow box of memories from some of their dates. Guys dig anything scrapbook related, so I’m sure it wasn’t the gift that knocked Tenley out of the running.
The next day jeweler Neil Lane drops in on Bachelor Jake to show him some engagement ring options. At this point Bachelor Jake is still in limbo trying to decide which woman to propose to. So, he picks a ring for both Vienna and Tenley and continues to think about which woman he wants to marry as he puts on his final rose ceremony suit and paisley tie that reeked of JC Penny circa 1991.
The first helicopter to arrive is Tenley’s. As any true Bachelor fan knows, the first woman to arrive is the one he doesn’t pick. I have to hand it to Bachelor Jake for at least jumping right in and telling her she isn’t the one. Past Bachelors have said too much to the runner up and the poor woman ends up in total shock and hysterics. I think Tenley knew as soon he started talking that it wasn’t going to go her way. I applaud the way she handled herself, but wish she would have thanked him a little less. He is, after all, dumping her on national television. As Jake walks Tenley to the reject limo he tells her he’ll never forget her and Tenley asks,”Why are you saying goodbye to me then?” He should’ve probably just kept his mouth shut. There is nothing any Bachelor could ever say in this moment to soften the blow of being broken with and then to turn around minutes later and propose to another woman. With bad hair extensions. And with a name like Vienna.
And then the moment we’ve been waiting for all season – Ali is named the next Bachelorette! Oh, yeah and Jake asked Vienna to marry him. Yadda, yadda, yadda. She won the engagement ring. Yadda, yadda, yadda. And my streak of picking winners is over. Yadda.
So, “The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love” has permanently landed and what a beautiful ride it’s been for Bachelor Jake and Vienna. Personally, I’ve needed to reach for my barf bag a few times. See you in May as we join Ali on her quest to find a husband.
The Final Rose episode picked up with our love triangle in St. Lucia. Bachelor Jake’s family made the trek to paradise to meet Vienna and Tenley in hopes to help him make his decision. He explains to his brothers and sisters-in-law that he’s fallen completely in love with both women. I for one would love to know that the night before my future fiancé proposes to me that he’s also completely in love with another woman. Nothing says “You complete me” quite like that.
Tenley is the first to meet Bachelor Jake’s family. Looking like an Ann Taylor ad, Tenley walks in with a beautiful bouquet for Momma Bachelor and adorable hugs for the rest of the family. Momma then takes Tenley aside for some girl talk. She tells Tenley, “After Jim is gone, it’s important for me to know that you and Jake will help hold the family together.” I’m not exactly sure why Momma Bachelor went there but for some reason I hope old Jim keeps tabs on his life insurance policy and sleeps with one eye open.
Tenley then brings up her absolute favorite subject; her divorce. Tenley’s divorce has played a big role this season. I think she’s mentioned it nearly every time she’s opened her mouth. So, here’s a little ode to Tenley’s Divorce. Enjoy!
There once was a girl on the Bachelor
That wanted to live happily ever after
But she talked too much of her divorce
And her ex-husband, of course
So away the Bachelor did cast her.
Next it’s time for Daddy Bachelor to have a word with Tenley. And what a softie old Jim turned out to be! He couldn’t get through the conversation without tearing up. He tells us, “Tenley would be a great fit for our family. I feel that I’ve probably met my future daughter-in-law today.” Daddy Jim, how precious are you! If you were to update your Facebook status with that statement, I’d like.
After wowing the family, Tenley and Bachelor Jake jump into the pool fully clothed. In what ended up looking like a baptism scene from “Big Love,” the rest of family followed suit and they all huddled up for a group hug. I’m glad my family just enjoys handshakes.
The next day the family is introduced to Vienna. Looking like a Wet Seal ad, Vienna greets Bachelor Jake’s family with dark roots and awkward silences. Over brunch Vienna tells sister-in-law Laura that she and Tenley are very different mainly because she’s not a “robot.” Vienna, no one would mistake you for a robot. Robots are way classier. After a mother-Bachelor chat, we learn that Momma sees red flags when it comes to Vienna. Worried that she’ll be confrontational with the other sisters-in-law and with Jake, Momma encourages her baby Bachelor to think about how she may act down the road.
The sisters-in-law then get some alone time to talk to Vienna. She tells them that Bachelor Jake brings out the best in her and she wants to spend the next 80 years of her life with him. It’s true, hair extensions are expected to live well into their hundreds. Long live Vienna!
Then, in what looked like a visit to the principal’s office, Momma Bachelor pulls Vienna aside for a talking to. She tells Vienna how important it is she gets along with the other women in the family. So she better not be pulling the same stunts she pulled in the mansion, Momma Bachelor ain’t putting up with it! Surprisingly, the date ends on a happy note and Vienna is welcomed into Bachelor Jake’s family.
The next day Bachelor Jake takes Vienna to a sulfur spring. Only Vienna could turn a romantic afternoon of relaxing into a dirty game of finger paint. The puke-inducing moment of the episode would be when Vienna wrote “I love you” in the mud across Bachelor Jake’s ripped, bare chest. That sounded kind of hot actually. Maybe I should start writing smut novels…
Bachelor Jake and Vienna then meet up for a candlelit evening of lying around on pillows. Vienna also uses the evening to present Bachelor Jake with her “Daddy I Won’t Elope Anymore” ring. As a sign that she’s ready to take their relationship to the next level and be engaged, Vienna gives Bachelor Jake her quasi-promise ring in hopes that in return he’ll give her that princess-cut rock at the finish line/final rose ceremony. I hear that since this episode aired, Kay’s Jewelers is already plumb out of “Daddy I Won’t Elope Anymore” rings. Bachelor Jake also takes this opportunity to ask Vienna what it was like being married for just three weeks. He has very valid reasons for asking Vienna this question. Statistically, the odds are heavily stacked against any Bachelor engagement ever materializing into a marriage. Bachelor Jake was merely seeking her advice on how to handle things when their own engagement dissolves in three weeks. Smart.
The next day Bachelor Jake meets up with Tenley for a boat ride around St. Lucia. The date looks like it should be enjoyable with the snorkeling and underwater frolicking, but something seems to be amiss with our Bachelor. When Tenley asks Bachelor Jake what’s wrong, he first tells her he’s just tired. (Vienna) After a little more prodding, Bachelor Jake tells Tenley that he feels their physical connection is progressing very slowly. Just because she isn’t willing to swing from the rafters like Vienna doesn’t mean there isn’t any “heat,” as Tenley adorably put it. After their day in the sun Bachelor Jake meets up with Tenley for dessert, wine, and more explaining himself. I don’t feel like he ever makes it clear to Tenley what’s bothering him about their physical relationship. The two seem to make up though as they open up a bottle of champagne and take it to the bedroom. Tenley presents Bachelor Jake with a shadow box of memories from some of their dates. Guys dig anything scrapbook related, so I’m sure it wasn’t the gift that knocked Tenley out of the running.
The next day jeweler Neil Lane drops in on Bachelor Jake to show him some engagement ring options. At this point Bachelor Jake is still in limbo trying to decide which woman to propose to. So, he picks a ring for both Vienna and Tenley and continues to think about which woman he wants to marry as he puts on his final rose ceremony suit and paisley tie that reeked of JC Penny circa 1991.
The first helicopter to arrive is Tenley’s. As any true Bachelor fan knows, the first woman to arrive is the one he doesn’t pick. I have to hand it to Bachelor Jake for at least jumping right in and telling her she isn’t the one. Past Bachelors have said too much to the runner up and the poor woman ends up in total shock and hysterics. I think Tenley knew as soon he started talking that it wasn’t going to go her way. I applaud the way she handled herself, but wish she would have thanked him a little less. He is, after all, dumping her on national television. As Jake walks Tenley to the reject limo he tells her he’ll never forget her and Tenley asks,”Why are you saying goodbye to me then?” He should’ve probably just kept his mouth shut. There is nothing any Bachelor could ever say in this moment to soften the blow of being broken with and then to turn around minutes later and propose to another woman. With bad hair extensions. And with a name like Vienna.
And then the moment we’ve been waiting for all season – Ali is named the next Bachelorette! Oh, yeah and Jake asked Vienna to marry him. Yadda, yadda, yadda. She won the engagement ring. Yadda, yadda, yadda. And my streak of picking winners is over. Yadda.
So, “The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love” has permanently landed and what a beautiful ride it’s been for Bachelor Jake and Vienna. Personally, I’ve needed to reach for my barf bag a few times. See you in May as we join Ali on her quest to find a husband.
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