Next to the Fourth of July, March Madness, and my birthday, the “Women Tell All” episode is my favorite time of year. For those of you unfortunately unfamiliar with this television phenomenon, allow me. This is an episode that reunites all the bachelorettes for a delightful evening of sound arguments, rational behavior, and balanced emotions as they face the bachelor that rejected them on national television.
But before we get the chance to witness this magical mass reunion, ABC decided to update us on the lives of Bachelor and Bachelorette alumni. We catch up with contestants of past seasons partying in Las Vegas, on cruise ships, and at someone’s backyard pool. I’m glad to see they have used “The Bachelor” as a springboard to continue their meaningful livelihood of hot-tub make-outs and shot taking. Bachelor alum, thanks for keeping Whirlpool and Smirnoff in business.
Chris Harrison wasted no time setting the tone for the night’s episode by saying, “You start out with 25 well-adjusted women, throw a handsome man into the mix and everything gets a little crazy.” Decked out in sparkly cocktail dresses and lathered in lip gloss, we’re reintroduced to the bachelorettes from this season and the telling-all begins. The first topic up for discussion was Vienna. Country Ella tells us the main reason the other sister-wives didn’t like her was because of her age and immature behavior. Vienna is 23 and presumably among the youngest of contestants. Her age? That was your biggest beef with Human Hair Extensions? What about the fact that she’s person made completely out of hair extensions? Gia stands up for Vienna and says, “Sure, she may not think before she talks, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve love with a good man.” You know what Gia, maybe you’re right. I’ve been a little harsh on Vienna this season. Hair Extensions are apparently people, too and she does deserve love and marriage. And the chance to have little hair weaves of her own someday.
The next tell-all topic of the evening was Rozzzzlyn. As you recall Rozzzlyn was asked to leave to show after allegedly hooking it up with one of the producers. Since the MOST SHOCKING SCANDAL IN BACHELOR HISTROY broke there has been much speculation as to what - or shall we say - who went down. Rozzzzlyn has denied the allegations on every respectable news outlet on cable television. (i.e. Inside Edition and Entertainment Tonight) But, according to the ladies on the show, Bachelorgate was no producer-planned ploy to pump ratings. We’re told that Rozzzlyn often spent the night away from her bedroom and was spotted by several of the other contestants cuddling with Said Producer on the couch. Rozzzlyn then took to the hot seat to tell her side of the story.
Dressed in shiny purple wrapping paper, Rozzzlyn joined Chris Harrison on stage for the most bizarre interview since Joaquin Phoenix on Letterman. She tells Poppa Harrison that she and Said Producer were friends and met when he came to her hometown to shoot footage before “The Bachelor” started taping. Rozzzlyn vehemently maintained that nothing went on between the two and they were simply good friends. Their friendship apparently blossomed into a beautiful secret affair where the star-crossed lovers were spied meeting up in hallways and stairwells for hush-hush rendezvous. We learn that after Said Producer got his walking papers and Rozzzlyn was sent packing, he visited her back home in North Carolina. With his dad. Looks like Rozzzlyn got a Hometown Date after all. Chris Harrison doesn’t mask his disappointment in the ex-coworker and tells us “The Bachelor” crew has done this show successfully for nine years without such an incident. Rozzzlyn retorts by saying, “Interesting, because he said you flirted with his wife in New Zealand last season.” Two points I’d like to make:
1.) No one talks to Poppa Harrison like that. No one.
2.) WTF? Said Producer was married?
Rozzzlyn wears me out. Moving on.
Ali is next up in the hot-seat. I’m surprised her demanding job gave her the time off to join us for Women Tell All. She must have been on her Blackberry sending e-mails during the commercial breaks. Buy copper! Buy copper! Ali tells us that if she had it to do all over again she would have chosen love over her career. Fascinating. I know if I my boss heard me say on national television that I’d wish I had chosen the guy I met off a reality TV dating show instead of my job, I’d definitely be next in line to run to the company or at least get a promotion. Ali, I hope the key to your office worked Tuesday morning.
And then it was time to bring out the man of the hour, Bachelor Jake. Gracious as can be, Bachelor Jake thanks all his former flings for doing the show and sharing so many special moments with him. He assures us that he’s happy with the final outcome of the show and that it’s been a very real and incredible experience. Did that sound good? (Full disclosure: I got momentarily sucked into the ice dancing finals on the Olympics.) I did flip back in time to see the gag reel and the editors are leaving far too much on the cutting room floor. Some of those clips made Bachelor Jake seem almost funny.
Next week is the moment of truth. Who will our Bachelor choose for his bride? I’m still sticking with Tenley, but from the looks of the previews I’m starting to wonder if he even chooses at all…drama!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Week 7
It was finally Fantasy Suite Date Night week – let the individual room-foregoing and vaginal trailblazing begin!
But before we’re able to join Bachelor Jake and his prospects in St. Lucia, we must first check in to see how poor Ali is coping with her decision to leave the show. We find her back home in San Francisco buried under a pile of used tissues, tear-streaked and bedridden, curled up with some glossies of Bachelor Jake. What a thoughtful parting gift, autographed pictures of the Bachelor. And did anyone else notice the clock on her bedside table – it read 6:05. PM. Ali, get a grip! You met him on a reality TV dating show. Get out of the bed and sign up with Match.com. It’s the only other truly respectable way to meet someone other than on “The Bachelor.”
While Ali drowns her sorrows with Little Debbie’s and Arbor Mist, we join Gia and Bachelor Jake at Pigeon Island in St. Lucia for the first Fantasy Date of the episode. Bachelor Jake takes Gia on a boat ride around the island and to a St. Lucian market. For some reason Bachelor Jake secretly thinks Gia is a stuck up priss and that St. Lucia is some third world country, so he wanted to see if she could handle being among the natives. Yes, because roaming the dangerous streets of touristy St. Lucia with the Bachelor and a camera crew in tow will definitely bring out one’s inner humanitarian. And what kind of slam was that against the wonderful people of St. Lucia? After drinking from coconuts and taking in several street performances, Bachelor Jake treats Gia to a heart shaped necklace made by a local artisan. Instead of wearing it around her neck, Gia wraps it around her wrist and tells us, “For the rest of my life I’ll wear this necklace on my wrist because I wear my heart on my sleeve for Jake.” I think the real reason she’s wearing it on her wrist is because it’s not from Tiffany. After surviving their day in the St. Lucian ghetto, Gia joins Bachelor Jake for a romantic dinner on the beach. Dressed all in sparkles, Gia tells Bachelor Jake that she’s never met a guy that knew what he wanted like he does. Time out. Gia, Bachelor Jake is on a fantasy vacation in St. Lucia with three different women trying to decide which one to marry on national television. That definitely isn’t the definition of knowing what you want. While snuggled in a hammock, or hemmock as our Bachelor called it, Jake presents Gia with the Fantasy Suite Card. After zero hesitation, the two decide to spend the night together and the individual rooms are foregone. Once the pair arrives at the suite they waste no time jumping into a bubble bath. And that’s all I’m going to say on that. Dudes in bubble baths make me want to reach for the knife drawer.
While Ali drowns her sorrows with Krispy Kreme donuts and box of Franzia, Bachelor Jake meets up with Tenley for his second Fantasy Date. They take a helicopter ride above the St. Lucian rainforests and then cozy up for a picnic at a plantation. The two talk about traveling, her ex-husband, family, her ex-husband, marriage and her ex-husband. Tenley, am I going to have to send you a muzzle? Ixnay on the exnay if you’re serious about winning this engagement ring. After the picnic they take a romantic walk along the black sand beach which naturally leads to a make-out session in the ocean. Later that night Tenley meets Bachelor Jake for dinner where she tells our Bachelor that she’s falling in love with him. He kisses her passionately and then asks her dance. And we all know what dancing gets you in the mood for. Bachelor Jake pulls the ‘ol Fantasy Suite Card out of his pocket and hands it to Tenley. She says she “wants every second” she can spend with him and thus foregoes her individual room. The Fantasy Suite is full of rose petals, candlelight and the promise of sweet sexytime with a beautiful yet soul-crushingly vapid young woman. Isn’t love grand?
While Ali drowns her sorrows with Cheetos and Jager, Vienna gets treated to the final Fantasy Date of the episode. Bachelor Jake decides to take Vienna on a pirate ship mainly because he knows he’ll get some booty. Unfortunately, the two seemed to have a great afternoon playing pirate and sadly, he never asked her to walk the plank. Arrrg! That night over yet another romantic beachside dinner, Vienna decides to go out on a limb and tell Bachelor Jake how she truly feels. She tells him she’s ready to be a wife, have children and most importantly wear more hair extensions. And for some reason Bachelor Jake responds by asking her what type of engagement ring she likes. She favors a princess cut as it turns out. Shocking. He then hands Vienna the Fantasy Suite Card. I was completely surprised Vienna knew how to read and not all surprised she forewent her individual room. Once they make it into the rose petal-laden Fantasy Suite, Vienna announces that she has a surprise for Bachelor Jake and retreats to the bathroom for a wardrobe change. Like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon, Vienna returns wearing the classy combination of a white teddy and black underwear. I have no idea what Bachelor Jake prefers when it comes to women’s underpinnings, so I hope this K-Mart special did it for him.
After all the Fantasy Dates have commenced and all the Fantasy Suits have been properly disinfected, we catch up with Bachelor Jake challaxin’ in his room when he gets a phone call. Now I had a few scenarios running through my mind when the phone rang.
A.) Vienna calling with her blood test results.
B.) Chris Harrison calling to see if it was ok to take off his HASMAT suit.
C.) Ali, hopped up on Twinkies and Jim Beam, calling to win him back.
For those of you playing along at home, it was Ali. Doing her best to convince Bachelor Jake she’s made the worst decision of her life, Ali tells him, “I know in my heart this is what I want and I hope you feel a little of what I feel.” Unless Ali also feels a burning, itching sensation, it doesn’t look like Bachelor Jake is feeling it with Ali. And so she remains in San Francisco to drown her sorrows in Hostess Cupcakes and vodka.
This episode’s rose ceremony was fairly predictable and I wish Chris Harrison had dubbed it as The Most Predictable Rose Ceremony Yet. Despite her fake bosom and fitness model physique, Gia was sent back to New York on the reject limo. And now that we’re down to two, the finish line to the engagement ring is almost in sight.
But before we’re able to join Bachelor Jake and his prospects in St. Lucia, we must first check in to see how poor Ali is coping with her decision to leave the show. We find her back home in San Francisco buried under a pile of used tissues, tear-streaked and bedridden, curled up with some glossies of Bachelor Jake. What a thoughtful parting gift, autographed pictures of the Bachelor. And did anyone else notice the clock on her bedside table – it read 6:05. PM. Ali, get a grip! You met him on a reality TV dating show. Get out of the bed and sign up with Match.com. It’s the only other truly respectable way to meet someone other than on “The Bachelor.”
While Ali drowns her sorrows with Little Debbie’s and Arbor Mist, we join Gia and Bachelor Jake at Pigeon Island in St. Lucia for the first Fantasy Date of the episode. Bachelor Jake takes Gia on a boat ride around the island and to a St. Lucian market. For some reason Bachelor Jake secretly thinks Gia is a stuck up priss and that St. Lucia is some third world country, so he wanted to see if she could handle being among the natives. Yes, because roaming the dangerous streets of touristy St. Lucia with the Bachelor and a camera crew in tow will definitely bring out one’s inner humanitarian. And what kind of slam was that against the wonderful people of St. Lucia? After drinking from coconuts and taking in several street performances, Bachelor Jake treats Gia to a heart shaped necklace made by a local artisan. Instead of wearing it around her neck, Gia wraps it around her wrist and tells us, “For the rest of my life I’ll wear this necklace on my wrist because I wear my heart on my sleeve for Jake.” I think the real reason she’s wearing it on her wrist is because it’s not from Tiffany. After surviving their day in the St. Lucian ghetto, Gia joins Bachelor Jake for a romantic dinner on the beach. Dressed all in sparkles, Gia tells Bachelor Jake that she’s never met a guy that knew what he wanted like he does. Time out. Gia, Bachelor Jake is on a fantasy vacation in St. Lucia with three different women trying to decide which one to marry on national television. That definitely isn’t the definition of knowing what you want. While snuggled in a hammock, or hemmock as our Bachelor called it, Jake presents Gia with the Fantasy Suite Card. After zero hesitation, the two decide to spend the night together and the individual rooms are foregone. Once the pair arrives at the suite they waste no time jumping into a bubble bath. And that’s all I’m going to say on that. Dudes in bubble baths make me want to reach for the knife drawer.
While Ali drowns her sorrows with Krispy Kreme donuts and box of Franzia, Bachelor Jake meets up with Tenley for his second Fantasy Date. They take a helicopter ride above the St. Lucian rainforests and then cozy up for a picnic at a plantation. The two talk about traveling, her ex-husband, family, her ex-husband, marriage and her ex-husband. Tenley, am I going to have to send you a muzzle? Ixnay on the exnay if you’re serious about winning this engagement ring. After the picnic they take a romantic walk along the black sand beach which naturally leads to a make-out session in the ocean. Later that night Tenley meets Bachelor Jake for dinner where she tells our Bachelor that she’s falling in love with him. He kisses her passionately and then asks her dance. And we all know what dancing gets you in the mood for. Bachelor Jake pulls the ‘ol Fantasy Suite Card out of his pocket and hands it to Tenley. She says she “wants every second” she can spend with him and thus foregoes her individual room. The Fantasy Suite is full of rose petals, candlelight and the promise of sweet sexytime with a beautiful yet soul-crushingly vapid young woman. Isn’t love grand?
While Ali drowns her sorrows with Cheetos and Jager, Vienna gets treated to the final Fantasy Date of the episode. Bachelor Jake decides to take Vienna on a pirate ship mainly because he knows he’ll get some booty. Unfortunately, the two seemed to have a great afternoon playing pirate and sadly, he never asked her to walk the plank. Arrrg! That night over yet another romantic beachside dinner, Vienna decides to go out on a limb and tell Bachelor Jake how she truly feels. She tells him she’s ready to be a wife, have children and most importantly wear more hair extensions. And for some reason Bachelor Jake responds by asking her what type of engagement ring she likes. She favors a princess cut as it turns out. Shocking. He then hands Vienna the Fantasy Suite Card. I was completely surprised Vienna knew how to read and not all surprised she forewent her individual room. Once they make it into the rose petal-laden Fantasy Suite, Vienna announces that she has a surprise for Bachelor Jake and retreats to the bathroom for a wardrobe change. Like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon, Vienna returns wearing the classy combination of a white teddy and black underwear. I have no idea what Bachelor Jake prefers when it comes to women’s underpinnings, so I hope this K-Mart special did it for him.
After all the Fantasy Dates have commenced and all the Fantasy Suits have been properly disinfected, we catch up with Bachelor Jake challaxin’ in his room when he gets a phone call. Now I had a few scenarios running through my mind when the phone rang.
A.) Vienna calling with her blood test results.
B.) Chris Harrison calling to see if it was ok to take off his HASMAT suit.
C.) Ali, hopped up on Twinkies and Jim Beam, calling to win him back.
For those of you playing along at home, it was Ali. Doing her best to convince Bachelor Jake she’s made the worst decision of her life, Ali tells him, “I know in my heart this is what I want and I hope you feel a little of what I feel.” Unless Ali also feels a burning, itching sensation, it doesn’t look like Bachelor Jake is feeling it with Ali. And so she remains in San Francisco to drown her sorrows in Hostess Cupcakes and vodka.
This episode’s rose ceremony was fairly predictable and I wish Chris Harrison had dubbed it as The Most Predictable Rose Ceremony Yet. Despite her fake bosom and fitness model physique, Gia was sent back to New York on the reject limo. And now that we’re down to two, the finish line to the engagement ring is almost in sight.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Week 6
Full of drama, heartbreak and plenty of man tears, I give this season's Hometown Date Night episode two roses up!
Gia and Bachelor Jake got things started in New York city where they first took a cuddle cruise to Ellis Island. En route to see Lady Liberty, Gia tries to impress Bachelor Jake with her sexy modeling skillz. I hope Gia's ancestors that left the old country and survived the trek across the Atlantic are super impressed with how their American dream has come to fruition. Normally on the Hometown Date Night episode we are taken to the family homestead for a slice of life glimpse at how these crazy broads were brought up. Mom usually greets the Bachelor with open arms while Dad not only grills some steaks, but the Bachelor as well. Since MTV was using casa de Gia to film season two of "The Jersey Shore," we instead meet Gia's family for a nice Italian dinner at a restaraunt. We are introduced to Mama Gia and step-dad Tony. But my favorite member of Gia's familia has to be her step-brother Erick. The gold chains, the diamond stud in his ear, those frosted tips! Have I just discovered our next Bachelor? "The Bachelor: Bada-Bing, Bada-Boom, Bada-Rose," coming this fall to ABC.
We then travel to Williamstown, MA to visit Ali's family. I hope the city of San Francisco has been alerted that it wasn't Ali's actual hometown. I wouldn't want riots to break out on Lombard street. After frolicking in the colorful New England foliage, Ali tells Bachelor Jake about her deceased grandmother. Instead of simply sharing sweet memories, Ali decides to take our Bachelor on a ghost tour of grandma's house because apparently Ali must get the approval from the other side before she'll let Bachelor Jake meet her living relatives. Well, Gram's must have liked what she saw floating above the heavens, because Bachelor Jake asked Ali's mom for permission to propose!
Next we travel across the country to the Pacific Northwest to visit with Tenley and her family in Oregon. Surprisingly, this was Bachelor Jake's first visit to the beaver state. Bachelor Jake, you're a pilot. Does Air Sixpack not fly into PDX? Before meeting the family, Tenley takes Bachelor Jake to a dance studio where she tells him that her ex-husband never appericated her passion for dancing and says,"I want to show you the dance that's in my soul." I'm sorry, but if I were Bachelor Jake, I don't know if I'd want to see the dance inside someone's soul. But, if he must - I'm glad it's the dance within Tenley's. I'd be afraid of the bump and grind booty dance that would probably emerge from Vienna's. After the private performance, we join Tenley's adorable family for dinner where we meet her parents Rob and Beth. We all know that Tenley is my top pick for our Bachelor, but I'm a tinge worried that going through a divorce and becoming a finalist on The Bachelor all in the same year maybe pushing Tenley's emotional envelope. But, maybe Momma beth knows best. She tells Bachelor Jake, "If anybody is ready, it's Tenley." Family night in Oregon concludes with Bachelor Jake and Father Rob in a tearful embrace as he tells our Bachelor, ''I feel like I could give my blessing for Tenley to be with a person like you.''
And then we head down to the wonderful state of Florida to spend time with Vienna, her family, and her hair extensions. Vienna welcomes Bachelor Jake to the sunshine state with a pontoon river cruise near where she grew up. Along the way they encounter turtles, aligators and the truth about Vienna's previous marriage. Turns out after a secret elopement, Mr. and Mrs. Hair Extentions were married a mere 10 months before calling it quits. But, she swears she has matured since then and is ready for the "real thing." Its been hard to escape Vienna for the past few weeks as her hair extenions have graced the cover of nearly every celebrity gossip mag at the check out counter. So, if by "matured" she means got a boob job and did some nude calendar modeling, the yes, she's definitely matured. Vienna's father Vince greets Bachelor Jake at the door holding a chiuaua. Forget get saw-offed shot guns to scare the boy diddling your daughter, this is effin' Florida where they'll sic a chiuaua on your ass if you get outta line with a princess like Vienna. Over a dinner of fried gator tail, Daddy Vince learns that his baby Vienna is ''falling hard'' for Bachelor Jake. So, like every good Amurican father he feels it's his duty to take the Bachelor out to the garage to lecture him about what he expects from a future son-in-law. ''I've always treated my daughter just like a princess. That's how I expect her to be treated." I especially liked how Bachelor Jake's accent goes a bit south as he agreed to treat precious Vienna like like princess she was raised to be. For some reason Bachelor Jake seemed to enjoy his time in Florida and I'm afraid that Princess River Rat may be among our final two.
After a whirlwind of hometown dates, Bachelor Jakes and the final four head back to their hotel in L.A. to prepare for the next rose ceremony. We catch up with Bachelor Jake challaxin' in his room when he gets a knock at the door. Now I had a few scenarios running through my mind when I heard the knock.
A.) A jilted Jillian coming to finally confess her true love for Jake and hatred for men named Ed that wear short shorts
B.) Chris Harrison stopping by with hookers and blow
Or
C.) One of the remaining four breaking it to the Bachelor that she must choose between him or her career
A crying mess of an Ali comes to tell Bachelor Jake that her job is in jeopardy if she continues with the show. Hoping that Bachelor Jake will put on a ring on it right then and there, Ali wants our Bachelor's input. He tells her, "I can't right now guarantee you that I'm going to put a ring on your finger, but I can't look you in the eye and tell you that I'm not going to." And with that Ali melts to the floor in a puddle of tears.
That night at the rose ceremony as Chris Harrison greets the ladies, Ali interrupts and asks for a moment alone with Bachelor Jake. Poor Chris Harrison hasn't been able to make it through an entire rose ceremony all season without some sort of dramatic interruption. He escorts Ali to the Bachelor's Quarters where the two instantly entagle themselves on the couch. Hoping he'll give her the Final Rose guarantee, Ali tells Bachelor Jake, ''I came into this with everything I wanted in life except for you and there's a chance I could leave it with nothing.'' But Bachelor Jake couldn't promise that she'd win the engagement ring or star in the upcoming two-hour Bachelor Wedding special during sweeps. So, Ali decides she can't stay and boards the reject limo where she instantlly begins questioning her decision.
And so we're down to three; Gia, Tenley and Vienna. Tune in next week as Bachelor Jake takes the trio on fantasy dates in St. Lucia. Can't wait to see who decides to "forgo" the fantasy suite. My guess it won't be Vienna. She's been dying for some of the Bachelor's sausage...
Gia and Bachelor Jake got things started in New York city where they first took a cuddle cruise to Ellis Island. En route to see Lady Liberty, Gia tries to impress Bachelor Jake with her sexy modeling skillz. I hope Gia's ancestors that left the old country and survived the trek across the Atlantic are super impressed with how their American dream has come to fruition. Normally on the Hometown Date Night episode we are taken to the family homestead for a slice of life glimpse at how these crazy broads were brought up. Mom usually greets the Bachelor with open arms while Dad not only grills some steaks, but the Bachelor as well. Since MTV was using casa de Gia to film season two of "The Jersey Shore," we instead meet Gia's family for a nice Italian dinner at a restaraunt. We are introduced to Mama Gia and step-dad Tony. But my favorite member of Gia's familia has to be her step-brother Erick. The gold chains, the diamond stud in his ear, those frosted tips! Have I just discovered our next Bachelor? "The Bachelor: Bada-Bing, Bada-Boom, Bada-Rose," coming this fall to ABC.
We then travel to Williamstown, MA to visit Ali's family. I hope the city of San Francisco has been alerted that it wasn't Ali's actual hometown. I wouldn't want riots to break out on Lombard street. After frolicking in the colorful New England foliage, Ali tells Bachelor Jake about her deceased grandmother. Instead of simply sharing sweet memories, Ali decides to take our Bachelor on a ghost tour of grandma's house because apparently Ali must get the approval from the other side before she'll let Bachelor Jake meet her living relatives. Well, Gram's must have liked what she saw floating above the heavens, because Bachelor Jake asked Ali's mom for permission to propose!
Next we travel across the country to the Pacific Northwest to visit with Tenley and her family in Oregon. Surprisingly, this was Bachelor Jake's first visit to the beaver state. Bachelor Jake, you're a pilot. Does Air Sixpack not fly into PDX? Before meeting the family, Tenley takes Bachelor Jake to a dance studio where she tells him that her ex-husband never appericated her passion for dancing and says,"I want to show you the dance that's in my soul." I'm sorry, but if I were Bachelor Jake, I don't know if I'd want to see the dance inside someone's soul. But, if he must - I'm glad it's the dance within Tenley's. I'd be afraid of the bump and grind booty dance that would probably emerge from Vienna's. After the private performance, we join Tenley's adorable family for dinner where we meet her parents Rob and Beth. We all know that Tenley is my top pick for our Bachelor, but I'm a tinge worried that going through a divorce and becoming a finalist on The Bachelor all in the same year maybe pushing Tenley's emotional envelope. But, maybe Momma beth knows best. She tells Bachelor Jake, "If anybody is ready, it's Tenley." Family night in Oregon concludes with Bachelor Jake and Father Rob in a tearful embrace as he tells our Bachelor, ''I feel like I could give my blessing for Tenley to be with a person like you.''
And then we head down to the wonderful state of Florida to spend time with Vienna, her family, and her hair extensions. Vienna welcomes Bachelor Jake to the sunshine state with a pontoon river cruise near where she grew up. Along the way they encounter turtles, aligators and the truth about Vienna's previous marriage. Turns out after a secret elopement, Mr. and Mrs. Hair Extentions were married a mere 10 months before calling it quits. But, she swears she has matured since then and is ready for the "real thing." Its been hard to escape Vienna for the past few weeks as her hair extenions have graced the cover of nearly every celebrity gossip mag at the check out counter. So, if by "matured" she means got a boob job and did some nude calendar modeling, the yes, she's definitely matured. Vienna's father Vince greets Bachelor Jake at the door holding a chiuaua. Forget get saw-offed shot guns to scare the boy diddling your daughter, this is effin' Florida where they'll sic a chiuaua on your ass if you get outta line with a princess like Vienna. Over a dinner of fried gator tail, Daddy Vince learns that his baby Vienna is ''falling hard'' for Bachelor Jake. So, like every good Amurican father he feels it's his duty to take the Bachelor out to the garage to lecture him about what he expects from a future son-in-law. ''I've always treated my daughter just like a princess. That's how I expect her to be treated." I especially liked how Bachelor Jake's accent goes a bit south as he agreed to treat precious Vienna like like princess she was raised to be. For some reason Bachelor Jake seemed to enjoy his time in Florida and I'm afraid that Princess River Rat may be among our final two.
After a whirlwind of hometown dates, Bachelor Jakes and the final four head back to their hotel in L.A. to prepare for the next rose ceremony. We catch up with Bachelor Jake challaxin' in his room when he gets a knock at the door. Now I had a few scenarios running through my mind when I heard the knock.
A.) A jilted Jillian coming to finally confess her true love for Jake and hatred for men named Ed that wear short shorts
B.) Chris Harrison stopping by with hookers and blow
Or
C.) One of the remaining four breaking it to the Bachelor that she must choose between him or her career
A crying mess of an Ali comes to tell Bachelor Jake that her job is in jeopardy if she continues with the show. Hoping that Bachelor Jake will put on a ring on it right then and there, Ali wants our Bachelor's input. He tells her, "I can't right now guarantee you that I'm going to put a ring on your finger, but I can't look you in the eye and tell you that I'm not going to." And with that Ali melts to the floor in a puddle of tears.
That night at the rose ceremony as Chris Harrison greets the ladies, Ali interrupts and asks for a moment alone with Bachelor Jake. Poor Chris Harrison hasn't been able to make it through an entire rose ceremony all season without some sort of dramatic interruption. He escorts Ali to the Bachelor's Quarters where the two instantly entagle themselves on the couch. Hoping he'll give her the Final Rose guarantee, Ali tells Bachelor Jake, ''I came into this with everything I wanted in life except for you and there's a chance I could leave it with nothing.'' But Bachelor Jake couldn't promise that she'd win the engagement ring or star in the upcoming two-hour Bachelor Wedding special during sweeps. So, Ali decides she can't stay and boards the reject limo where she instantlly begins questioning her decision.
And so we're down to three; Gia, Tenley and Vienna. Tune in next week as Bachelor Jake takes the trio on fantasy dates in St. Lucia. Can't wait to see who decides to "forgo" the fantasy suite. My guess it won't be Vienna. She's been dying for some of the Bachelor's sausage...
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Week 5
Week 5 brings us the final five vying to be Bachelor Jake’s co-pilot of love. I would also like to acknowledge the fact the he gave out all the roses this week which gave Chris Harrison a night off from relationship counselor duty.
We meet up with the sister-wives back in the RV bound for San Francisco. San Francisco is home to the Golden Gate Bridge, the 49ers and the setting for “Full House,” but least we forget it’s also Ali’s hometown. San Francisco.gov should really think about adding her to their list of attractions. But this visit isn’t just exciting for Frisco Ali; it’s also a big day for Vienna who has never been to a big city before. Vienna, though I don’t think your tin-can and string phone will reach all the way down to Standford , Florida, I do hope you got the chance to tell all your kinfolk back on the swamp about your venture into the big city. Just remember, it’s called a pool, not a cement pond.
The first one-on-one date of the trip goes to Tenley, which got my approval. (As you know, she’s been my choice since week one!) She and Bachelor Jake get a little jolly on the trolley as they go for a private tour around San Francisco. The dimpled duo gets off at Chinatown for more baby talk, kissy faces, and a Chinese didjeridu street performance.
Back at the fancy hotel where Vienna’s riding the magical elevators, the girls receive a date card inviting Gia and Vienna on the next two-on-one date. Francisco Ali was relieved her name wasn’t on that card since it’s her “town.” I’m sure she wouldn’t want to be caught dead on the streets of San Fran on a dual date with the likes Vienna. What would her fellow San Franciscoians think?
Meanwhile, Bachelor Jake takes Tenley on a romantic dinner date to Coit Tower where he tells us, “Out of all the women, I can most picture Tenley as my wife.” I’ll raise a rose to that! (As you know, she’s been my choice since week one!) I was pretty satisfied with their date; meaningful, honest conversation and no crying. The one complaint I do have is with Bachelor Jake’s black turtleneck. He looked more like a beatnik than the dashing bachelor pilot that he is.
The next day a giant trunk full of clothes arrive at the hotel for Gia and Vienna to sift through before their two-on-one date. I was thankful this was happening because Vienna needs fashion help. But what does girlfriend pull out of the Forever 21-in-a-box; a sparkly purple tank top. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it look pretty for dates with the bachelor.
Bachelor Jake meets the dueling damsels at a winery castle in Nappa Valley for an awkward overnight date of wine tasting and snide remarks. As the trio sits down for dinner, Vienna tells Bachelor Jake how she was “shaking in her pants” during last week’s rose ceremony. How cute, she’s trying to using to metaphors! Looks like big city livin’ is starting to rub off on ‘ol Vi. After trying to tell Bachelor Jake how upset she was over Ali getting a rose because Ali was so upset over Vienna getting a rose, Bachelor Jake decides to get the hell away from the one woman firing squad and whisks Gia away for some alone time. As the two excuse themselves from the table, Gia turns to Vienna and says, “You can have my salmon.” I hope those words live in infamy.
Bachelor Jake and Gia find a cozy spot in the wine cellar to talk and cuddle and where Gia could bite her fingernails. I’m surprised she took her hands away from her mouth long enough for Bachelor Jake to kiss her. But the canoodling doesn’t last long. Once Vienna realizes salmon doesn’t taste like chicken, she grabs a lantern and like a bloodhound hot on a trail starts sniffing around for fresh bachelor blood. Finally, after what seemed like hours spent wondering around a dark maze of endless hallways, Vienna and the entire camera crew following her, stumble upon her date mates. Then she and Bachelor Jake cuddle up for some alone time where he asks what she thinks of married life. Vienna replies, “I want married life to be like we’re little 16 year old kids.” Interesting answer because you know, there is nothing more stable than an adolescent’s love life. Maybe they’ll even make it public on Facebook.
The love triangle spends the night in the castle; Vienna and Gia in one room, Bachelor Jake in another. While Bachelor Jakes nestles in for the night, Vienna grabs her lantern, two glasses of wine and takes off into castle’s darkness to surprise him for a midnight love snack. After making an awkward toast, Vienna tries to make her way in between his sheets but our almost naked Bachelor somehow resists her sweet talk and hair extensions and suggests she goes back to her room.
Corrie is next on tap for a one-on-one and it’s about time, they haven’t even kissed yet and we’re a week away from hometown dates. Time is roses people! Bachelor Jake takes Corrie on a canoe ride where nearby ducks had more chemistry than these two. The he takes her to a science museum where they endure more awkward silences and wildlife. It’s during dinner that we discover Corrie’s big secret. Now in reality television it’s almost rule that every “The Real World” has a gay roommate and every season of “The Bachelor” has virgin. So for those of you playing along at home, you guessed it, Corrie still has her V-card. Bachelor Jake took the news like a champ and the pair finally shared their first kiss and then he retired for an evening of cold showers.
The next day Frisco Ali finally gets to take Bachelor Jake on her own tour of San Francisco. They first visit her neighborhood where they share a puke-inducing moment picking out flowers at a flower stand. Ali tells us she’s walked by that same flower numerous times wishing someone Bachelor Jake-like would buy her a flower. Something tells me if this doesn’t work out, that flower stand’s going up in flames. (Oh the memories!) Over brunch, Bachelor Jake asks Ali about the possibility of visiting her family on the upcoming hometown dates. Ali basically tells Bachelor Jake how weird, dysfunctional and un-picture perfect her family is. Way to win him over and write yourself out of any family wills.
Ali’s best date ever in San Francisco continues as she takes Bachelor Jake along her jogging route where the two pop open a bottle of champagne and talk about her hatred for Vienna. Ever the diplomat, Bachelor Jake never waivers on his feelings for the human hair extension and that leaves Ali utterly confused. But not too confused as moments later she and Bachelor Jake run and jump into the ocean fully clothed.
Later that evening is the rose ceremony and all the girls are on edge. Vienna’s a nervous wreck as she re-thinks her attempted sack session at the castle. But Bachelor Jake calms her nerves by taking her to see the view from his hotel room. Tenley almost cries telling him how hard it is to see him falling for other girls and randomly asks him to slow dance. And Corrie starts to regret telling him about her sexual inexperience. Even I was starting to get nervous and all I had to worry about was not burning my frozen pizza in the oven.
During Bachelor Jake’s pre-rose ceremony chit-chat with Chris Harrison we learn that he’s truly fallen for all five remaining girls and that letting one go won’t be easy. Tenley is first name called to accept a rose that evening, and I was pretty relieved. (She was my pick from week one!) Then he calls Ali, Gia and dun dun dun…VIENNA! So, sweet little virginal Corrie is sent back to Kissimee, Florida while Hair Extenions McGee lives to accept another rose. Alls fair in love and barf.
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