Week 7

It was finally Fantasy Suite Date Night week – let the individual room-foregoing and vaginal trailblazing begin!

But before we’re able to join Bachelor Jake and his prospects in St. Lucia, we must first check in to see how poor Ali is coping with her decision to leave the show. We find her back home in San Francisco buried under a pile of used tissues, tear-streaked and bedridden, curled up with some glossies of Bachelor Jake. What a thoughtful parting gift, autographed pictures of the Bachelor. And did anyone else notice the clock on her bedside table – it read 6:05. PM. Ali, get a grip! You met him on a reality TV dating show. Get out of the bed and sign up with Match.com. It’s the only other truly respectable way to meet someone other than on “The Bachelor.”

While Ali drowns her sorrows with Little Debbie’s and Arbor Mist, we join Gia and Bachelor Jake at Pigeon Island in St. Lucia for the first Fantasy Date of the episode. Bachelor Jake takes Gia on a boat ride around the island and to a St. Lucian market. For some reason Bachelor Jake secretly thinks Gia is a stuck up priss and that St. Lucia is some third world country, so he wanted to see if she could handle being among the natives. Yes, because roaming the dangerous streets of touristy St. Lucia with the Bachelor and a camera crew in tow will definitely bring out one’s inner humanitarian. And what kind of slam was that against the wonderful people of St. Lucia? After drinking from coconuts and taking in several street performances, Bachelor Jake treats Gia to a heart shaped necklace made by a local artisan. Instead of wearing it around her neck, Gia wraps it around her wrist and tells us, “For the rest of my life I’ll wear this necklace on my wrist because I wear my heart on my sleeve for Jake.” I think the real reason she’s wearing it on her wrist is because it’s not from Tiffany. After surviving their day in the St. Lucian ghetto, Gia joins Bachelor Jake for a romantic dinner on the beach. Dressed all in sparkles, Gia tells Bachelor Jake that she’s never met a guy that knew what he wanted like he does. Time out. Gia, Bachelor Jake is on a fantasy vacation in St. Lucia with three different women trying to decide which one to marry on national television. That definitely isn’t the definition of knowing what you want. While snuggled in a hammock, or hemmock as our Bachelor called it, Jake presents Gia with the Fantasy Suite Card. After zero hesitation, the two decide to spend the night together and the individual rooms are foregone. Once the pair arrives at the suite they waste no time jumping into a bubble bath. And that’s all I’m going to say on that. Dudes in bubble baths make me want to reach for the knife drawer.

While Ali drowns her sorrows with Krispy Kreme donuts and box of Franzia, Bachelor Jake meets up with Tenley for his second Fantasy Date. They take a helicopter ride above the St. Lucian rainforests and then cozy up for a picnic at a plantation. The two talk about traveling, her ex-husband, family, her ex-husband, marriage and her ex-husband. Tenley, am I going to have to send you a muzzle? Ixnay on the exnay if you’re serious about winning this engagement ring. After the picnic they take a romantic walk along the black sand beach which naturally leads to a make-out session in the ocean. Later that night Tenley meets Bachelor Jake for dinner where she tells our Bachelor that she’s falling in love with him. He kisses her passionately and then asks her dance. And we all know what dancing gets you in the mood for. Bachelor Jake pulls the ‘ol Fantasy Suite Card out of his pocket and hands it to Tenley. She says she “wants every second” she can spend with him and thus foregoes her individual room. The Fantasy Suite is full of rose petals, candlelight and the promise of sweet sexytime with a beautiful yet soul-crushingly vapid young woman. Isn’t love grand?

While Ali drowns her sorrows with Cheetos and Jager, Vienna gets treated to the final Fantasy Date of the episode. Bachelor Jake decides to take Vienna on a pirate ship mainly because he knows he’ll get some booty. Unfortunately, the two seemed to have a great afternoon playing pirate and sadly, he never asked her to walk the plank. Arrrg! That night over yet another romantic beachside dinner, Vienna decides to go out on a limb and tell Bachelor Jake how she truly feels. She tells him she’s ready to be a wife, have children and most importantly wear more hair extensions. And for some reason Bachelor Jake responds by asking her what type of engagement ring she likes. She favors a princess cut as it turns out. Shocking. He then hands Vienna the Fantasy Suite Card. I was completely surprised Vienna knew how to read and not all surprised she forewent her individual room. Once they make it into the rose petal-laden Fantasy Suite, Vienna announces that she has a surprise for Bachelor Jake and retreats to the bathroom for a wardrobe change. Like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon, Vienna returns wearing the classy combination of a white teddy and black underwear. I have no idea what Bachelor Jake prefers when it comes to women’s underpinnings, so I hope this K-Mart special did it for him.

After all the Fantasy Dates have commenced and all the Fantasy Suits have been properly disinfected, we catch up with Bachelor Jake challaxin’ in his room when he gets a phone call. Now I had a few scenarios running through my mind when the phone rang.

A.) Vienna calling with her blood test results.
B.) Chris Harrison calling to see if it was ok to take off his HASMAT suit.
C.) Ali, hopped up on Twinkies and Jim Beam, calling to win him back.

For those of you playing along at home, it was Ali. Doing her best to convince Bachelor Jake she’s made the worst decision of her life, Ali tells him, “I know in my heart this is what I want and I hope you feel a little of what I feel.” Unless Ali also feels a burning, itching sensation, it doesn’t look like Bachelor Jake is feeling it with Ali. And so she remains in San Francisco to drown her sorrows in Hostess Cupcakes and vodka.

This episode’s rose ceremony was fairly predictable and I wish Chris Harrison had dubbed it as The Most Predictable Rose Ceremony Yet. Despite her fake bosom and fitness model physique, Gia was sent back to New York on the reject limo. And now that we’re down to two, the finish line to the engagement ring is almost in sight.