Women Tell All!

Next to the Fourth of July, March Madness, and my birthday, the “Women Tell All” episode is my favorite time of year. For those of you unfortunately unfamiliar with this television phenomenon, allow me. This is an episode that reunites all the bachelorettes for a delightful evening of sound arguments, rational behavior, and balanced emotions as they face the bachelor that rejected them on national television.

But before we get the chance to witness this magical mass reunion, ABC decided to update us on the lives of Bachelor and Bachelorette alumni. We catch up with contestants of past seasons partying in Las Vegas, on cruise ships, and at someone’s backyard pool. I’m glad to see they have used “The Bachelor” as a springboard to continue their meaningful livelihood of hot-tub make-outs and shot taking. Bachelor alum, thanks for keeping Whirlpool and Smirnoff in business.

Chris Harrison wasted no time setting the tone for the night’s episode by saying, “You start out with 25 well-adjusted women, throw a handsome man into the mix and everything gets a little crazy.” Decked out in sparkly cocktail dresses and lathered in lip gloss, we’re reintroduced to the bachelorettes from this season and the telling-all begins. The first topic up for discussion was Vienna. Country Ella tells us the main reason the other sister-wives didn’t like her was because of her age and immature behavior. Vienna is 23 and presumably among the youngest of contestants. Her age? That was your biggest beef with Human Hair Extensions? What about the fact that she’s person made completely out of hair extensions? Gia stands up for Vienna and says, “Sure, she may not think before she talks, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve love with a good man.” You know what Gia, maybe you’re right. I’ve been a little harsh on Vienna this season. Hair Extensions are apparently people, too and she does deserve love and marriage. And the chance to have little hair weaves of her own someday.

The next tell-all topic of the evening was Rozzzzlyn. As you recall Rozzzlyn was asked to leave to show after allegedly hooking it up with one of the producers. Since the MOST SHOCKING SCANDAL IN BACHELOR HISTROY broke there has been much speculation as to what - or shall we say - who went down. Rozzzzlyn has denied the allegations on every respectable news outlet on cable television. (i.e. Inside Edition and Entertainment Tonight) But, according to the ladies on the show, Bachelorgate was no producer-planned ploy to pump ratings. We’re told that Rozzzlyn often spent the night away from her bedroom and was spotted by several of the other contestants cuddling with Said Producer on the couch. Rozzzlyn then took to the hot seat to tell her side of the story.

Dressed in shiny purple wrapping paper, Rozzzlyn joined Chris Harrison on stage for the most bizarre interview since Joaquin Phoenix on Letterman. She tells Poppa Harrison that she and Said Producer were friends and met when he came to her hometown to shoot footage before “The Bachelor” started taping. Rozzzlyn vehemently maintained that nothing went on between the two and they were simply good friends. Their friendship apparently blossomed into a beautiful secret affair where the star-crossed lovers were spied meeting up in hallways and stairwells for hush-hush rendezvous. We learn that after Said Producer got his walking papers and Rozzzlyn was sent packing, he visited her back home in North Carolina. With his dad. Looks like Rozzzlyn got a Hometown Date after all. Chris Harrison doesn’t mask his disappointment in the ex-coworker and tells us “The Bachelor” crew has done this show successfully for nine years without such an incident. Rozzzlyn retorts by saying, “Interesting, because he said you flirted with his wife in New Zealand last season.” Two points I’d like to make:

1.) No one talks to Poppa Harrison like that. No one.
2.) WTF? Said Producer was married?

Rozzzlyn wears me out. Moving on.

Ali is next up in the hot-seat. I’m surprised her demanding job gave her the time off to join us for Women Tell All. She must have been on her Blackberry sending e-mails during the commercial breaks. Buy copper! Buy copper! Ali tells us that if she had it to do all over again she would have chosen love over her career. Fascinating. I know if I my boss heard me say on national television that I’d wish I had chosen the guy I met off a reality TV dating show instead of my job, I’d definitely be next in line to run to the company or at least get a promotion. Ali, I hope the key to your office worked Tuesday morning.

And then it was time to bring out the man of the hour, Bachelor Jake. Gracious as can be, Bachelor Jake thanks all his former flings for doing the show and sharing so many special moments with him. He assures us that he’s happy with the final outcome of the show and that it’s been a very real and incredible experience. Did that sound good? (Full disclosure: I got momentarily sucked into the ice dancing finals on the Olympics.) I did flip back in time to see the gag reel and the editors are leaving far too much on the cutting room floor. Some of those clips made Bachelor Jake seem almost funny.

Next week is the moment of truth. Who will our Bachelor choose for his bride? I’m still sticking with Tenley, but from the looks of the previews I’m starting to wonder if he even chooses at all…drama!