This week Ali whisked the guys away to Lisbon, Portugal on the last stop of her around-the-world dating tour. The dates were extra important this episode because they determined who would take Ali home to meet their family. One wrong move this episode and Ali’s spending the weekend at an Alabama trailer park eating Spam with Mee-Maw in her mumu.
Ali’s first date in Portugal was with Sexy Roberto. The pair roamed the streets of downtown Lisbon posing for pictures and then slow danced in the middle of the road while Roberto whispered sexy nothings in her ear. Then Ali took him to a castle where they had a romantic dinner and talked about their feelings. Ali seems to be falling for Roberto but can’t always tell if the feeling is mutual. He eases her mind when he tells her that if she sticks with him they will have a lifetime of evenings just like this. And that’s why we call him Sexy Roberto!
The next day Ali goes on a two-on-one with Frank and Tennessee Ty. No date roses were involved this week so neither of the guys had to worry about sabotaging the evening. What a waste of awkwardness! The two-on-ones are only good when roses and plans of havoc are involved. The love triangle gathered for dinner where Ali seemed to feel very uncomfortable. She first asked Ty for some alone time where they talked more about Ty’s family and how his mother would feel about Ali having a career outside the home. Ty tries to assure her that his parents trust his judgment and would love getting to meet her. Then she takes Frank aside for some alone time where he drops the I-still-live-at-home-with-my-parents bomb. How Ali didn’t know he was a basement dweller is beyond me. If your “profession” is “aspiring screenwriter,” you’re not living in a fancy penthouse on Michigan Avenue. You’re living in mom and pop’s basement on the old fold-out sofa you used to sleep on as a kid when your grandparents were visiting from Florida. Ali takes the blow with stride and tells us that she likes Frank for Frank and doesn’t care where he lives. Ali, I see a twin bed and comic book posters in your future.
Next up is Ali’s date with Kirk where they first meet for lunch and giant beers. Kirk picks up on Ali’s standoffish attitude and tells her it’s ok to be stressed out about this whole process. Ali opens up a little more and tells Kirk that she feels very relaxed around him and has truly enjoyed their dates together. In return, Kirk tells Ali that she’s deserving of a good relationship with a good person. After another romantic dinner, Kirk and Ali enjoy a private concert by a Portuguese string quartet.
The following afternoon Ali takes Cape Cod Chris on the last date before the evening’s rose ceremony. He picks her up on a moped where they cautiously cruise the coastal area of Lisbon. Ali compares Chris’ slow driving to the speed of their relationship. During a cuddle session in the grass Ali asks Chris if it’s typical for him to move slowly with the women he dates. He tells her that he likes to take his time to figure a person out and then presents Ali with a handmade bracelet. He explains that he’s had this bracelet with him the whole time but wanted to make sure he really liked her before he gave it to her. Impressed that he held on it until the right moment, Ali give him a hug and kiss and then asks what it would be like if she were to go home with him to Cape Cod.
Ali only had to send one suitor home this week and seemed to have a hard time choosing which one to send packing. Sexy Roberto, Frank, Cape Cod Chris, and Kirk all advance to the next round where they will take Ali home to meet their family while Ty waltzes back to Tennessee without a rose. By the looks of next week’s previews I wonder if Ali regrets her decision when Kirk’s father introduces her to his taxidermy room.
Last night’s episode wasn’t over after the last rose had been awarded. ABC treated us to a sit-down interview with Jake and Vienna, “The Bachelor’s” latest casualty. I’ll be the first to admit that I was definitely not on Team Vienna during Jake’s season of “The Bachelor.” But after watching them last night, I wanted to switch teams. He was terrible to her and he needed some product in his hair. After the way he spoke to her last night, Pilot Jake will be flying solo indefinitely. I was glad Vienna stormed off in the middle of the interview; she doesn’t need to waste another flip of her hair extension on him. And I agree; Jake is a fame-whore. He did “Dancing with the Stars”.
How calmly did things start out Monday night? Ali was in her hotel room in Istanbul, drying her hair, putting on make-up, checking her Facebook when she gets an unexpected knock at her door. On “The Bachelor” unexpected knocks are never good. In the past the unexpected knock has brought news of contestants leaving to return to their jobs or past contestants returning desperately for another chance. Unexpected knocks are never pizza delivery boys, Publisher’s Clearinghouse, or the next door neighbor wanting to borrow a cup of sugar. And this season’s unexpected knock was no exception.
Ali opens the door to find Chris Harrison. Pleasantly surprised by what seems to be a drop-in, Ali and Poppa Harrison embrace and exchange pleasantries. We knew he wasn’t there just for a pre-date pep-talk when he suggests they have a seat on the couch. No good conversation begins by someone suggesting you have a seat on the couch. Chris Harrison opens by telling Ali that it’s been brought to the producer’s attention that a contestant on the show has not been truthful. Cut to Ali’s look of shock and horror. Chris goes on to say that he’s personally checked into the story and it’s indeed true. Cut to Ali’s look of shock and horror. Chris then tells Ali that one of the guys has a girlfriend and has been secretly contacting her throughout the entire taping. Cut to Ali’s look of shock and horror. And then he tells her the two-timing man-floozy is none other than R-Rated. Cut to Ali’s look of semi-relief upon hearing its no one good like Sexy Roberto or Cape Cod Chris. After venting about her disappointment, Poppa Harrison informs Ali that he has the phone number for R-Rated’s girlfriend back home in Canada, Jessica. So, the two huddle around what looks to be a rotary dial telephone waiting for Jessica to answer the phone. A good 12 rings later, Jessica and her glorious Canadian accent pick up. Ali cuts to the chase and asks Jessica if R-Rated is her boyfriend. Jessica tells us that she and R-Rated have been shaking their maple leafs together for the past two years. He told Jessica that he only wanted to do the show to further is entertainment wrestling career and just wanted to make it to the top three. For some reason Jessica supported his scheme and even helped him buy suits to wear on the show. A tearful Jessica goes on to say that R-Rated has been calling and texting her, letting her know that when he’s back home the two will get married. Ali has heard all she needs to hear and thanks Jessica for the inside information. She hangs up the phone and tells Chris Harrison she wants to confront R-Rated on his shady shenanigans.
Ali bursts into the guy’s suite and takes a seat almost directly in front of R-Rated. She begins by addressing the group as a whole, saying she knows it’s been a stressful and difficult journey. And then the “oh no she didn’t moment.” She glares R-Rated in the eye and says, “This must be especially hard for you Justin since you have a girlfriend at home. In Canada.” Knowing he’s aboot to get the boot, Justin and his bum leg race out the door, down the stairs, through some shrubbery, and into a parking lot. Ali chases after him and but waits for him to compose himself. He saunters back to where she’s sitting but never gives her more than a shaky apology. After he offers her his wadded up rose back, she tells him he’s free to go and as they show him limping away onto the streets of Istanbul they play some saved voicemails he left on Jessica’s cell phone. Suave.
After that fiasco Ali has a one-on-one date with Tennessee Ty, who does not have a side piece waiting on him in Canada. Ali and Ty go to a Turkish bathhouse where they wrap up in plaid towels and massage each other. The two talk and laugh and kiss until dinner time. During their romantic dinner Ali probes more into the demise of Ty’s first marriage. Ty tells us that he grew up with a stay-at-home mother and father that worked outside the house to bring home the bacon. Apparently things didn’t settle so well with Ty when his first wife still wanted to focus on her career despite becoming Mrs. Tennessee Ty. He tells Ali that he’s changed and matured since his divorce and now knows that “they can become lawyers, and CEOs and doctors.” “They?” I do hope he realizes he’s on a date with of “them.” Somehow Tennessee Ty gets the date rose. I was really hoping Ali was going to press him on is progressive views on feminism. He really should write a book.
Next up was a group date that had the guys olive oil wrestling. I didn’t really care who was on this date as long a Sexy Roberto and his magnificent abs were on display. Each bachelor was paired with a professional Turkish olive oil wrestler and the winners would then wrestle each other. I don’t remember who did all that well because I kept wanting to dip pieces of warm bread into Roberto’s muscle crevices. I’ve had a hankering for Olive Garden ever since. Surprisingly, Lawyer Craig was the event’s champion and he won a one-on-one date with Ali. She took him on a dinner cruise and then to a lookout point where they watched a firework show. The date looked enjoyable enough, but it seems the only sparks flying were the ones in the sky.
The next day Ali takes Frank on another one-on-one. They spend the afternoon shopping at an open market and play dress up in a costume shop. Ali surprises Frank by trying on a noisy, purple belly-dancer number. I wanted to slip into something like that to surprise my boyfriend on his birthday, but that store closes at 5:30 and I don’t get off work til 6. After their Turkish shopping-spree they have dinner on what looks to be a table floating on water. Ali tells Frank that their relationship scares her because she can’t control who she loves and if he’ll love her back. He must’ve convinced her that they’re on the same page because he was awarded the evening’s date rose.
Ali decides to opt out of the next night’s cocktail party. She tells Chris Harrison that her mind is made up and she doesn’t want to put the guys through a party if she already knows who she’s sending home. Despite his efforts in olive oil wrestling, Lawyer Craig did not make this week’s cut. Remaining we have Frank, Sexy Roberto, Cape Cod Chris, Kirk and Tennessee Ty. With five guys left that means one more round tillHome Town Dates!
Next week we learn of yet another secret one of Ali’s suitors has been keeping when she takes the brood to Portugal.
Well, now we know what caused the Icelandic volcano to erupt earlier this year; the Bachelorette visited Iceland. Mother Nature is actually revolting against reality TV dating shows. Thousands of stranded international travelers, you now have Ali to thank.
The week in Iceland began with a one-on-one date with Scrapbook Kirk. Ali took Kirk on a shopping tour around Reykjavik where they bought matching sweaters, toboggans, and pair of conjoined mittens. I bet Kirk was hoping to stumble across a scrapbook store so he could get to work on his Iceland page ASAP. After the shopping spree, the sweatered sweethearts sat down for some coffee talk. Kirk opened up to Ali about his dating history and we learn that he’s never been in a relationship that’s lasted longer than a year. Ali finds this fact a little worrisome and wonders if he’s ready to be in something as long-term as “til death do you part.” Kirk also tells Ali about some medical issues he dealt with while in college. Apparently co-ed Kirk lived in a condemned shantytown where the walls were made completely of black mold and asbestos and he had to shower with sewer water. University housing has really improved! Ali’s expression during this conversation conveyed one of panic as she must’ve been wondering about the condition of his current living situation. Comforted by the fact that being the Bachelorette will earn her a hefty sum off appearances and interviews and she’ll be able to afford a sanitary living space, Ali awarded Kirk the date rose and then offered him a squirt of Purell.
The next day Ali organized a group date where she took the guys horseback riding through the snow. As the date’s resident cowboy, this was Tennessee Ty’s time to shine. From adjusting saddles to hoisting people onto their horses, Ty was like effin’ John Wayne blazing the Icelandic tundras. After an afternoon of horse play, the group settled in for a night of hot tubbing. Ty was the first to be pulled away for some alone time with Ali. Ty confesses that he’s starting to have strong feelings for Ali and as she compliments his horseback riding skills, he leans in for a hot and steamy kiss. Ride a cowboy indeed! Ali also gets alone time with Frank, Sexy Roberto, and Cape Cod Chris. And by alone time, I mean make-out sessions.
Meanwhile, back at the Boy Scout meeting, a date card arrives for R-Rated and Kreepy Kasey. Both gentlemen have been invited to join Ali for the season’s first two-on-one date. Let the scheming commence! R-Rated’s first mission was to get his cast off before the date. Note to self, if I should ever need an emergency cast removal, get thee to Iceland. That Icelandic doctor didn’t ask a single question or even gather R-Rated’s medical history. He just fired up that chainsaw-like instrument and started cutting. Once his massive entertainment wresting leg was free, R-Rated dumped his crutches in the trashcan and went back to the hotel to slick back his hair before the evening’s date. Kasey’s tactic for the date remained unchanged; continue to be your creepy self and show Ali the rose tattoo. Ali picks her dates up in a helicopter where they fly over Eyjafjallajökull, the lava-spewing volcano. From there, they land on a giant glacier where they dine on strawberries and champagne and sit on ice sculptures. During her alone time with Kasey, she asks him if he thought about what she said on their last date about the genuineness of his gestures. And with that Kreeps pulls up his shirtsleeve and shows Ali the tattoo. Stunned and silently already deciding to send him packing, Ali tells Kasey she is glad he found this apparent tattoo-worthy experience so profound. Ultimately and unshockingly, she gives R-Rated the date rose and leaves Kasey alone on the glacier with his rose tattoo. Because Kasey was such an integral and interesting aspect to the show, especially his songs, here is a little ditty I’d like to dedicate to Kreeps.
(Sung in the key of ‘off.’)
You just wanted to guard and protect her heart from all the other dudes
But you kept singing creepy songs and then got a rose tattoo.
Now she’s left you on a glacier in the middle Iceland
As she flies away in a helicopter into the arms of another man.
The next night is the rose ceremony and we finally get some alone time with the strangely elusive Chris N. Last post I predicted that this would be the week Chris N. would come out of his shell and sweep Ali off her feet. Would you mind passing the salt and pepper, I must eat my words. Trying to find his personality pulse, Ali asks Chris what is guiltiest pleasure would be. After moments of silence, Chris responds by saying, “Mexican food.” Needless to say this burrito-loving bachelor did not receive a rose. During his ride on the reject limo, Chris tells us he’s “at a loss for words.” Never a truer statement has been uttered in the history of “The Bachelor” franchise.
Next week we will learn with of the remaining suitors has a girlfriend and who Ali is dramatically chasing down that winding staircase.
This week the bachelorette and her brood of dudes left the sunny shores of California to take a bite out of the Big Apple. But biting wasn’t the only thing going on in the city that never sleeps. There was also lots kissing, cuddling, dancing, and tattooing. Naturally.
First up on the NYC itinerary is a one-on-one date with Kreepy Kasey. This is Kreep’s first visit to New York so Ali wants to make sure he sees one of the city’s most famous attractions, the Natural History Museum. Personally, I think she should’ve taken him to Rikers Island because I’m pretty sure he has a body parts nailed to his floorboards. But I’ve never been on a date in New York, so I guess the Natural History Museum is a better choice. The museum is open just for Ali and Kasey and the pair runs around like school children on a second grade field trip pretending the dinosaur bones are going to come to life and the stuffed monkeys are going to eat them. Like I said, I’ve never dated in New York City, so maybe that’s a hip thing to do on dates; run around like children and scream like monkeys. That certainly explains why Carrie Bradshaw was single for so long. Those crazy “Sex and the City” broads wasted too much time going to trendy clubs! A one-on-one date wouldn’t be complete without a pile of pillows to lounge on and glasses of champagne to sip. So, as Ali and Kreepy Kasey cozy in for some chit-chat, Kreeps starts to serenade his date with an original song. Kasey doesn’t exactly have the talking voice of an angel so his singing made nails on a chalkboard seem positively melodic. I kept waiting for “American Idol’s” Randy Jackson to jump out from behind the scenes and yell, “You’re a little pitchy, dawg.” As if the singing didn’t win Ali’s heart, Kreeps decides to profess his love for her after a mere four weeks. Afraid that Kasey isn’t being 100% sincere, Ali is hesitant about giving him the date rose but isn’t quite ready to send him back to the loony-bin. So, Kasey gets a stay of execution and chance to prove his genuineness.
The next night Ali takes the boys to Broadway for a chance to perform on the Great White Way. The guys competed against one another for a spot in “The Lion King.” I must say, Man Cub Jesse has a set of pipes on him! Who knew people from Montana sang so well! But Sexy Roberto had the wherewithal to actually sing to Ali, so he was chosen to make his Broadway debut alongside our Bachelorette. The debut, which involved leotards and wire cables, occurred during the musical’s final number. The two were suspended in the air and turned tricks as they hovered above the audience. Again, I’ve never dated in New York…
The next day was Cape Cod Chris’ birthday which automatically earned him a one-on-one date. Well-played, birthday boy! Unfortunately, Ali wasn’t feeling well and decided they would just hang out in her suite instead of going on the date she had planned in the city. Like the sweetheart that Cape Cod is proving to be, he brings our beleaguered bachelorette some chicken noodle soup and a bouquet of flowers. After a few hours of lounging in Ali’s deathbed, she decides to rally for his birthday and the two hit the town for dinner. She surprises the birthday boy with a lobster feast and a phone call home to the Cape so he can talk to his father. After dinner, Ali and Chris head up to the roof for a private performance by a guy I had never head of and while they slow danced in the moonlight, she offered him the date rose and a goodnight kiss.
Meanwhile, over on Brokeback Mountain, Kreepy Kasey has been MIA. Was he off taking voice lessons? On a killing spree? Shopping at H&M? If you guessed getting a rose tattoo on his wrist, you are correct! Kreeps returned with a bandage on his wrist and tall-tale about getting a second degree burn. R-Rated’s mom obviously didn’t raise no fool, because he questioned the story the minute Kasey walked in the door. At that night’s cocktail party Kreeps decided to come clean with his whereabouts and shows the other guys his new tat – a rose protected by a shield. Ed Hardy eat your bedazzled heart out. Lawyer Craig earned the quote of the night when he told Kreeps, “You’re going to be remembered as the guy from the Bachelorette that got a tattoo.” Hey, we all need to make a name for ourselves…
Tensions were high during the evening’s rose ceremony. The Weatherman was especially worried about his fate as he didn’t get much time alone with Ali this week. Frank was also fretting about getting rose as he feared their initial connection was starting to wane. Sexy and Cape Cod were both safe as they had received date roses. Scrapbook Kirk, Tennessee Ty, Lawyer Craig, R-Rated, Frank, and Chris N. all made it safely to next week. And so we say a tearful good bye to Man Cub Jesse and The Weatherman. Now, we have yet to hear a peep from this Chris N. character. He’s so mysterious! I wonder what the N stands for? I don’t even have a nickname for him. Were all his scenes left on the cutting room floor? Is he the dark horse of the season? I have a feeling that he may be soon become a forerunner and ABC has been playing mind tricks, distracting us with crutches, and tattoos and weathermen. Chis N. is obviously where it’s at.
It was a week of firsts on last night’s episode of “The Bachelorette.” The Weatherman gets his first kiss, Ali sends her first suitor home after a one-on-one, and Man Cub Jesse is the first to wear a denim shirt to a rose ceremony. This episode should be dipped in bronze and sent to the National Archives Museum.
Ali gets things started with a one-on-one date with Sexy Roberto. Roll them r’s! A helicopter swoops down and lifts Ali and Roberto up into the skies for a scenic flight over Los Angeles. But a cuddle-copter ride isn’t the sole purpose of their date. Ali has something far more adventurous in mind, like tightrope walking followed by a romantic dinner. The pair strap on harnesses, helmets, and matching Chuck Taylors and begin their delicate trek across the skyline. At the halfway mark Sexy Roberto turns toward Ali and steadily goes in for a kiss 20 stories above the LA freeway. They make it safely to the adjacent rooftop where they then enjoy a candlelit dinner and a beautiful California sunset. Needless to say, Sexy Roberto was offered and accepted the date rose. Muy caliente!
The next afternoon Ali takes several of the guys on a group date to be in a music video for Barenaked Ladies’ newest single. The recession has certainly not hurt the group date industry. I remember when “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” group dates were simple trips to the zoo, amusement parks, or just sitting in a hot tub. ABC is shelling out the big bucks this season to bring in 90’s rock bands. Frank’s scene with Ali is first on the agenda and much to his chagrin, Ali is to slap him across the face in their scene, which takes nine takes to perfect. Scrapbook Kirk gets a bedroom scene with Ali and tells her, “I don’t even care if the cameras are rolling.” Hm, sounds like someone may have an interesting hobby. The Weatherman also has an intimate scene with Ali where he must sneak up on her and kiss her. The Weatherman’s a nervous wreck about the kiss and at one point starts to cry, or maybe he’s just rainy. But, Ali calms his nerves when she plants a passionate kiss on him unexpectedly. And The Weatherman cometh!
Next up for Ali is a one-on-one date with Texas Hunter. We haven’t heard much from Hunter so far, so this date is clutch for him to stay in the game. While Hunter’s getting prepped for the evening, R-Rated decides to take matters into his own hands, or shall we say cast, and goes to visit Ali at her mansion a few miles up the road. R-Rated hobbles along the freeway for nearly two hours so he can score some alone time with the bachelorette. Ali seems shocked yet genuinely surprised that R-Rated walked, on crutches, just to visit her. She obviously hasn’t dated enough dudes with broken legs. The two sit on the couch and look at R-Rated’s family pictures and talk about their families. Then it’s time for Ali to head back to frat house and exchange him for Hunter.
Ali and Hunter have a chill first date at her mansion where they grill hamburgers and share awkward silences in the hot tub. Trying hard to find a romantic connection, Ali senses that Hunter just isn’t the husband of her reality show dreams and decides she must send him back to Texas.
The next night at the cocktail party while canoodling with Roberto, Ali lets it slip that R-Rated surprised her with a house call. Once Ali is swept away by another suitor, Roberto tells some of the other guys about R-Rated’s roadtrip and that has everyone convinced he’s here for the wrong reasons. But Ali must think otherwise and R-Rated is given the final rose of the episode. And so we say goodbye to Steve and John C. Yeah, I didn’t know who they are either.
Tune in next week when Kreepy Kasey gets creepier and The Weatherman gets his debut on Broadway.
Ali is dating 17 guys this week. Sounds like me in college, plus or minus a few. Mainly minus a few. Maybe minus 17. But basically, that was totally me in college so I can definitely relate to having a multitude of beaux clamoring my affections. This was a very sentimental episode for me.
The clamoring contender to get the coveted first one-on-one date with Ali is Aspiring Screenwriter Frank from Illinois. Ali picks Frank up in a vintage powder blue convertible and takes him to Hollywood’s walk of fame. While checking out all the star’s stars, Ali is bombarded by “Bachelore/ette” fans/tourists asking for autographs and pictures. The recession has truly hit everyone. Those are some hard-up tourists settling for Bachelorette Ali’s John Hancock on their Hard Rock Café lunch receipts. Kate Gosselin could’ve at least thrown them a bone and dropped a hairweave or a kid on the sidewalk during her march to the tanning salon.
Meanwhile, at the Sausage Factory, Lawyer Craig from Philadelphia gets into a heated discussion with R-Rated Justin about his true intentions for being on the show. Because he’s an “entertainment wrestler,” Lawyer Craig feels that R-Rated Justin is “here for the wrong reasons.” For the love of Chris Harrison! Every season we hear this exact same argument. Every season someone is accused of “being here for the wrong reasons.” Every season someone is an “aspiring/professional/amateur” something-or-other. And guess what – not a one has been “discovered” from being on “The Bachelor/ette.” So, Lawyer Craig and future “Bachelorette” contestants, trust me, being a contestant isn’t going to further your career, unless your boss is looking to hire a shirtless douche.
Back on the date, Ali takes Frank up a dirt trail that leads to the famous Hollywood sign overlooking the city. Cozily situated between the two L’s, Ali asks Frank about his screenwriting career and move to Paris. I’m not totally convinced Frank actually moved to Paris. Maybe this ambiguous “move to Paris” was actually to Paris, Kentucky or Paris, Tennessee and he never bothers to correct anyone that assumes Paris, France. He claims he “lived” in “Paris” for barely a month and never learned to speak French. So, Frank basically went to “Paris” once on vacation and now he folds cargo shorts as the manager of American Eagle in the suburbs and at night he writes out his pent-up teen angst in hopes of becoming the next Howard Hughes. But Ali gives Frank the first kiss of the season, and a rose, on top of that Hollywood hill and gives us reason to believe he could be the leading man of her dreams. Barf. I went there.
The next day Ali takes her brood of boyfriends on a group date to Malibu for a calendar photo shoot on the beach. Again, that sounds just like dates I went on in college. I was so progressive for the early naughts. Like an explosion of Ed Hardy models, the guys bound out of the limo to greet our bachelorette. Some highlights from the photo shoot include Canadian Craig and his great head of hair, Tennessee Ty who played guitar during his modeling sesh, and Jonathan the Weatherman conquering his fear of Speedos. Tennessee Ty cowboys up and is the first to steal Ali away for some alone time. He has a semi-serious conversation with Ali about his previous marriage, but I couldn’t concentrate much for being distracted by that scorpion necklace hanging around his neck. Tennessee Ty needs to follow the words of Coco Chanel and always take off two things before leaving the frat house. But that scorpion could be his good luck charm because he was given the date rose and advances to the next round. Just as Tennessee Ty was hoping to make his move, The Weatherman and his white leather jacket walk in and interrupt. After a bumbling rant of compliments, The Weatherman warns Ali about shit storm Canadian Craig that hopes to make its way south. Ali seems grateful for his prediction and walks with him hand in hand to meet up with her other boyfriends.
Back at the Man Cave, the leftovers receive the next one-on-one date card. This date goes to Jesse from Peculiar, Montana. Jesse is given a pair of cuff-links to wear on the date and as he’s admiring them he discloses that the suit he brought to wear on the show is the first suit he’s ever owned. Aw, 24 year old man cubs are so cute when they buy their first suits! Ali takes Man Cub Jesse on a private jet to the fabulous Las Vegas. The duo takes a dip in Liquid Pool and we get a chance to check out Man Cub’s abdominals and ink. After an afternoon at the pool, Man Cub gets to put that new suit to use and meets up with Ali for a romantic dinner. The two get to know a little more about each other and Ali decides to give Man Cub Jesse the date rose.
At this week’s Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party Cape Cod Chris, Sexy Roberto, and Kreepy Kasey get their first alone time of the episode. All was going well for these patient bachelors until Frank and his aspiring screenwriter lips come over to steal Ali away for a make-out session. Then shit storm Canadian Craig makes landfall for an awkward chit-chat where he finds out that one of the guys called him “dangerous.” I think that’s the first time in history that anyone from Canada has been referred to as “dangerous.” Oh, Canada! But shit storm Canadian Craig moved out pretty quickly as he didn’t receive rose. The Weatherman, however, made it to another week and hopes for clear skies from here on out.
Tune in next week when R-Rated Justin pays Ali an unexpected visit and Sexy Roberto goes tight-rope walking in the name of love.
And so we meet again. Welcome back, Bachelor fans! Over the next seven weeks we’ll follow Bachelorette Ali as she splashes in a hot tub with 25 eligible bachelors as they vie for a rose and a life-long commitment. If all goes as the producers plan, Ali will find the love of her life and plan an extravagant wedding just in time for November sweeps.
As if the “The Bachelorette” promos ever gave us a chance to forget, tonight’s episode began with a re-cap of when we last saw Bachelorette Ali. As you recall, Ali exited “The Bachelor” early as she was forced to choose between love and her career. Second-guessing her decision to chose “a computer screen and a mouse over true love,” Ali has since quit her job, moved out of her apartment and will devote the next few weeks of her life on finding a husband. Maybe Solicitor General Elena Kagan should follow suit and quit the Supreme Court confirmation hearing and devote some serious time to finding a husband. There’s really no other way to squash the rumors. “The Bachelorette: From Gavel to Wedding Gown” coming this fall to ABC.
After we’re all caught up with Ali, we get to meet her bevy of boys as they file out of the limo hoping to make a good first impression. Twenty-five men attempted to make such impression, but very few succeeded. I do not envy Bachelorette Ali, to put it mildly. We meet Frank the aspiring screenwriter from Chicago. We all know “aspiring screenwriter” is just the politically correct term for “Chili’s bartender that lives in his parent’s basement and owns a Mac.” Then there’s Jay, the personal injury lawyer from Rhode Island. Jay might have made it past the first round had not looked like he was always on the lurch for an ambulance to chase. Justin from Canada was one of the most memorable men of the evening. Justin is what they, in the biz, call an “entertainment wrestler.” And his “entertainment wrestling” name is R-Rated. Justin broke his ankle while “entertainment wrestling” and must hobble on crutches from the limo to our beautiful bachelorette. Ali seems to be somehow smitten by R-Rated and makes us wonder if the two will be able to keep it PG in future episodes.
Roberto and his sexy accent received the first impression rose, or as me, in the biz, call it the FIR. Who knew Ali was such a sucker for salsa dancing and text book Spanish? If these other schmucks had only twirled her around a little and counted to ten in another language they, too, would have had a rose to accept. Kirk from Wisconsin on the other hand has the ladies all figured out. He made a scrapbook and presented it to Ali during their alone time. Kirk’s scrapbook, complete with decorative stickers and dye-cuts, showcased his friends and family members and his creepiness.
Speaking of creepy, Kasey from California gives me the closeted serial-killer vibe. He has that clean-cut, boy next door look that no one would suspect him of having body parts in is deep freeze. He keeps telling Ali that “no matter what he’ll always guard her heart.” And he’ll “always open a door and get a glass of wine for a woman.” Yeah, open the door to your creepy dungeon basement and offer a glass of chardonnay laced with strychnine. Or maybe I just watch too much “48 Hours Mystery.”
Though I don’t believe he’ll be a frontrunner, my favorite boy of the bunch would have to be Jonathan the weatherman from Houston. Despite looking like a Men’s Warehouse poster child in a lime green dress shirt and matching tie, his jokes were clever and he genuinely made Ali (and me) laugh. And he got a rose. Derrick, also known by his nickname Shooter, did not receive a rose. For those of you that watched and know how he earned his nickname, his moniker lives on as he prematurely leaves the show.
And so our blushing bachelorette has whittled her suitors down to 15. By looks of the this season’s previews are we in for a good show complete with a chase down a winding staircase, a call to 911, and lots of cuddling in blankets. Monday nights are the new black.
Check back for recaps of "The Bachelorette" with Ali, coming in May!
Bachelor Jake popped a knee and asked Vienna for her hand in marriage. This was the first season in Bachelor history that my pick didn’t win the engagement ring. It’s like I don’t even know who I am anymore… I’ll stop before I break out in a Hamlet-esque soliloquy.
The Final Rose episode picked up with our love triangle in St. Lucia. Bachelor Jake’s family made the trek to paradise to meet Vienna and Tenley in hopes to help him make his decision. He explains to his brothers and sisters-in-law that he’s fallen completely in love with both women. I for one would love to know that the night before my future fiancé proposes to me that he’s also completely in love with another woman. Nothing says “You complete me” quite like that.
Tenley is the first to meet Bachelor Jake’s family. Looking like an Ann Taylor ad, Tenley walks in with a beautiful bouquet for Momma Bachelor and adorable hugs for the rest of the family. Momma then takes Tenley aside for some girl talk. She tells Tenley, “After Jim is gone, it’s important for me to know that you and Jake will help hold the family together.” I’m not exactly sure why Momma Bachelor went there but for some reason I hope old Jim keeps tabs on his life insurance policy and sleeps with one eye open.
Tenley then brings up her absolute favorite subject; her divorce. Tenley’s divorce has played a big role this season. I think she’s mentioned it nearly every time she’s opened her mouth. So, here’s a little ode to Tenley’s Divorce. Enjoy!
There once was a girl on the Bachelor
That wanted to live happily ever after
But she talked too much of her divorce
And her ex-husband, of course
So away the Bachelor did cast her.
Next it’s time for Daddy Bachelor to have a word with Tenley. And what a softie old Jim turned out to be! He couldn’t get through the conversation without tearing up. He tells us, “Tenley would be a great fit for our family. I feel that I’ve probably met my future daughter-in-law today.” Daddy Jim, how precious are you! If you were to update your Facebook status with that statement, I’d like.
After wowing the family, Tenley and Bachelor Jake jump into the pool fully clothed. In what ended up looking like a baptism scene from “Big Love,” the rest of family followed suit and they all huddled up for a group hug. I’m glad my family just enjoys handshakes.
The next day the family is introduced to Vienna. Looking like a Wet Seal ad, Vienna greets Bachelor Jake’s family with dark roots and awkward silences. Over brunch Vienna tells sister-in-law Laura that she and Tenley are very different mainly because she’s not a “robot.” Vienna, no one would mistake you for a robot. Robots are way classier. After a mother-Bachelor chat, we learn that Momma sees red flags when it comes to Vienna. Worried that she’ll be confrontational with the other sisters-in-law and with Jake, Momma encourages her baby Bachelor to think about how she may act down the road.
The sisters-in-law then get some alone time to talk to Vienna. She tells them that Bachelor Jake brings out the best in her and she wants to spend the next 80 years of her life with him. It’s true, hair extensions are expected to live well into their hundreds. Long live Vienna!
Then, in what looked like a visit to the principal’s office, Momma Bachelor pulls Vienna aside for a talking to. She tells Vienna how important it is she gets along with the other women in the family. So she better not be pulling the same stunts she pulled in the mansion, Momma Bachelor ain’t putting up with it! Surprisingly, the date ends on a happy note and Vienna is welcomed into Bachelor Jake’s family.
The next day Bachelor Jake takes Vienna to a sulfur spring. Only Vienna could turn a romantic afternoon of relaxing into a dirty game of finger paint. The puke-inducing moment of the episode would be when Vienna wrote “I love you” in the mud across Bachelor Jake’s ripped, bare chest. That sounded kind of hot actually. Maybe I should start writing smut novels…
Bachelor Jake and Vienna then meet up for a candlelit evening of lying around on pillows. Vienna also uses the evening to present Bachelor Jake with her “Daddy I Won’t Elope Anymore” ring. As a sign that she’s ready to take their relationship to the next level and be engaged, Vienna gives Bachelor Jake her quasi-promise ring in hopes that in return he’ll give her that princess-cut rock at the finish line/final rose ceremony. I hear that since this episode aired, Kay’s Jewelers is already plumb out of “Daddy I Won’t Elope Anymore” rings. Bachelor Jake also takes this opportunity to ask Vienna what it was like being married for just three weeks. He has very valid reasons for asking Vienna this question. Statistically, the odds are heavily stacked against any Bachelor engagement ever materializing into a marriage. Bachelor Jake was merely seeking her advice on how to handle things when their own engagement dissolves in three weeks. Smart.
The next day Bachelor Jake meets up with Tenley for a boat ride around St. Lucia. The date looks like it should be enjoyable with the snorkeling and underwater frolicking, but something seems to be amiss with our Bachelor. When Tenley asks Bachelor Jake what’s wrong, he first tells her he’s just tired. (Vienna) After a little more prodding, Bachelor Jake tells Tenley that he feels their physical connection is progressing very slowly. Just because she isn’t willing to swing from the rafters like Vienna doesn’t mean there isn’t any “heat,” as Tenley adorably put it. After their day in the sun Bachelor Jake meets up with Tenley for dessert, wine, and more explaining himself. I don’t feel like he ever makes it clear to Tenley what’s bothering him about their physical relationship. The two seem to make up though as they open up a bottle of champagne and take it to the bedroom. Tenley presents Bachelor Jake with a shadow box of memories from some of their dates. Guys dig anything scrapbook related, so I’m sure it wasn’t the gift that knocked Tenley out of the running.
The next day jeweler Neil Lane drops in on Bachelor Jake to show him some engagement ring options. At this point Bachelor Jake is still in limbo trying to decide which woman to propose to. So, he picks a ring for both Vienna and Tenley and continues to think about which woman he wants to marry as he puts on his final rose ceremony suit and paisley tie that reeked of JC Penny circa 1991.
The first helicopter to arrive is Tenley’s. As any true Bachelor fan knows, the first woman to arrive is the one he doesn’t pick. I have to hand it to Bachelor Jake for at least jumping right in and telling her she isn’t the one. Past Bachelors have said too much to the runner up and the poor woman ends up in total shock and hysterics. I think Tenley knew as soon he started talking that it wasn’t going to go her way. I applaud the way she handled herself, but wish she would have thanked him a little less. He is, after all, dumping her on national television. As Jake walks Tenley to the reject limo he tells her he’ll never forget her and Tenley asks,”Why are you saying goodbye to me then?” He should’ve probably just kept his mouth shut. There is nothing any Bachelor could ever say in this moment to soften the blow of being broken with and then to turn around minutes later and propose to another woman. With bad hair extensions. And with a name like Vienna.
And then the moment we’ve been waiting for all season – Ali is named the next Bachelorette! Oh, yeah and Jake asked Vienna to marry him. Yadda, yadda, yadda. She won the engagement ring. Yadda, yadda, yadda. And my streak of picking winners is over. Yadda.
So, “The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love” has permanently landed and what a beautiful ride it’s been for Bachelor Jake and Vienna. Personally, I’ve needed to reach for my barf bag a few times. See you in May as we join Ali on her quest to find a husband.
Next to the Fourth of July, March Madness, and my birthday, the “Women Tell All” episode is my favorite time of year. For those of you unfortunately unfamiliar with this television phenomenon, allow me. This is an episode that reunites all the bachelorettes for a delightful evening of sound arguments, rational behavior, and balanced emotions as they face the bachelor that rejected them on national television.
But before we get the chance to witness this magical mass reunion, ABC decided to update us on the lives of Bachelor and Bachelorette alumni. We catch up with contestants of past seasons partying in Las Vegas, on cruise ships, and at someone’s backyard pool. I’m glad to see they have used “The Bachelor” as a springboard to continue their meaningful livelihood of hot-tub make-outs and shot taking. Bachelor alum, thanks for keeping Whirlpool and Smirnoff in business.
Chris Harrison wasted no time setting the tone for the night’s episode by saying, “You start out with 25 well-adjusted women, throw a handsome man into the mix and everything gets a little crazy.” Decked out in sparkly cocktail dresses and lathered in lip gloss, we’re reintroduced to the bachelorettes from this season and the telling-all begins. The first topic up for discussion was Vienna. Country Ella tells us the main reason the other sister-wives didn’t like her was because of her age and immature behavior. Vienna is 23 and presumably among the youngest of contestants. Her age? That was your biggest beef with Human Hair Extensions? What about the fact that she’s person made completely out of hair extensions? Gia stands up for Vienna and says, “Sure, she may not think before she talks, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve love with a good man.” You know what Gia, maybe you’re right. I’ve been a little harsh on Vienna this season. Hair Extensions are apparently people, too and she does deserve love and marriage. And the chance to have little hair weaves of her own someday.
The next tell-all topic of the evening was Rozzzzlyn. As you recall Rozzzlyn was asked to leave to show after allegedly hooking it up with one of the producers. Since the MOST SHOCKING SCANDAL IN BACHELOR HISTROY broke there has been much speculation as to what - or shall we say - who went down. Rozzzzlyn has denied the allegations on every respectable news outlet on cable television. (i.e. Inside Edition and Entertainment Tonight) But, according to the ladies on the show, Bachelorgate was no producer-planned ploy to pump ratings. We’re told that Rozzzlyn often spent the night away from her bedroom and was spotted by several of the other contestants cuddling with Said Producer on the couch. Rozzzlyn then took to the hot seat to tell her side of the story.
Dressed in shiny purple wrapping paper, Rozzzlyn joined Chris Harrison on stage for the most bizarre interview since Joaquin Phoenix on Letterman. She tells Poppa Harrison that she and Said Producer were friends and met when he came to her hometown to shoot footage before “The Bachelor” started taping. Rozzzlyn vehemently maintained that nothing went on between the two and they were simply good friends. Their friendship apparently blossomed into a beautiful secret affair where the star-crossed lovers were spied meeting up in hallways and stairwells for hush-hush rendezvous. We learn that after Said Producer got his walking papers and Rozzzlyn was sent packing, he visited her back home in North Carolina. With his dad. Looks like Rozzzlyn got a Hometown Date after all. Chris Harrison doesn’t mask his disappointment in the ex-coworker and tells us “The Bachelor” crew has done this show successfully for nine years without such an incident. Rozzzlyn retorts by saying, “Interesting, because he said you flirted with his wife in New Zealand last season.” Two points I’d like to make:
1.) No one talks to Poppa Harrison like that. No one.
2.) WTF? Said Producer was married?
Rozzzlyn wears me out. Moving on.
Ali is next up in the hot-seat. I’m surprised her demanding job gave her the time off to join us for Women Tell All. She must have been on her Blackberry sending e-mails during the commercial breaks. Buy copper! Buy copper! Ali tells us that if she had it to do all over again she would have chosen love over her career. Fascinating. I know if I my boss heard me say on national television that I’d wish I had chosen the guy I met off a reality TV dating show instead of my job, I’d definitely be next in line to run to the company or at least get a promotion. Ali, I hope the key to your office worked Tuesday morning.
And then it was time to bring out the man of the hour, Bachelor Jake. Gracious as can be, Bachelor Jake thanks all his former flings for doing the show and sharing so many special moments with him. He assures us that he’s happy with the final outcome of the show and that it’s been a very real and incredible experience. Did that sound good? (Full disclosure: I got momentarily sucked into the ice dancing finals on the Olympics.) I did flip back in time to see the gag reel and the editors are leaving far too much on the cutting room floor. Some of those clips made Bachelor Jake seem almost funny.
Next week is the moment of truth. Who will our Bachelor choose for his bride? I’m still sticking with Tenley, but from the looks of the previews I’m starting to wonder if he even chooses at all…drama!
It was finally Fantasy Suite Date Night week – let the individual room-foregoing and vaginal trailblazing begin!
But before we’re able to join Bachelor Jake and his prospects in St. Lucia, we must first check in to see how poor Ali is coping with her decision to leave the show. We find her back home in San Francisco buried under a pile of used tissues, tear-streaked and bedridden, curled up with some glossies of Bachelor Jake. What a thoughtful parting gift, autographed pictures of the Bachelor. And did anyone else notice the clock on her bedside table – it read 6:05. PM. Ali, get a grip! You met him on a reality TV dating show. Get out of the bed and sign up with Match.com. It’s the only other truly respectable way to meet someone other than on “The Bachelor.”
While Ali drowns her sorrows with Little Debbie’s and Arbor Mist, we join Gia and Bachelor Jake at Pigeon Island in St. Lucia for the first Fantasy Date of the episode. Bachelor Jake takes Gia on a boat ride around the island and to a St. Lucian market. For some reason Bachelor Jake secretly thinks Gia is a stuck up priss and that St. Lucia is some third world country, so he wanted to see if she could handle being among the natives. Yes, because roaming the dangerous streets of touristy St. Lucia with the Bachelor and a camera crew in tow will definitely bring out one’s inner humanitarian. And what kind of slam was that against the wonderful people of St. Lucia? After drinking from coconuts and taking in several street performances, Bachelor Jake treats Gia to a heart shaped necklace made by a local artisan. Instead of wearing it around her neck, Gia wraps it around her wrist and tells us, “For the rest of my life I’ll wear this necklace on my wrist because I wear my heart on my sleeve for Jake.” I think the real reason she’s wearing it on her wrist is because it’s not from Tiffany. After surviving their day in the St. Lucian ghetto, Gia joins Bachelor Jake for a romantic dinner on the beach. Dressed all in sparkles, Gia tells Bachelor Jake that she’s never met a guy that knew what he wanted like he does. Time out. Gia, Bachelor Jake is on a fantasy vacation in St. Lucia with three different women trying to decide which one to marry on national television. That definitely isn’t the definition of knowing what you want. While snuggled in a hammock, or hemmock as our Bachelor called it, Jake presents Gia with the Fantasy Suite Card. After zero hesitation, the two decide to spend the night together and the individual rooms are foregone. Once the pair arrives at the suite they waste no time jumping into a bubble bath. And that’s all I’m going to say on that. Dudes in bubble baths make me want to reach for the knife drawer.
While Ali drowns her sorrows with Krispy Kreme donuts and box of Franzia, Bachelor Jake meets up with Tenley for his second Fantasy Date. They take a helicopter ride above the St. Lucian rainforests and then cozy up for a picnic at a plantation. The two talk about traveling, her ex-husband, family, her ex-husband, marriage and her ex-husband. Tenley, am I going to have to send you a muzzle? Ixnay on the exnay if you’re serious about winning this engagement ring. After the picnic they take a romantic walk along the black sand beach which naturally leads to a make-out session in the ocean. Later that night Tenley meets Bachelor Jake for dinner where she tells our Bachelor that she’s falling in love with him. He kisses her passionately and then asks her dance. And we all know what dancing gets you in the mood for. Bachelor Jake pulls the ‘ol Fantasy Suite Card out of his pocket and hands it to Tenley. She says she “wants every second” she can spend with him and thus foregoes her individual room. The Fantasy Suite is full of rose petals, candlelight and the promise of sweet sexytime with a beautiful yet soul-crushingly vapid young woman. Isn’t love grand?
While Ali drowns her sorrows with Cheetos and Jager, Vienna gets treated to the final Fantasy Date of the episode. Bachelor Jake decides to take Vienna on a pirate ship mainly because he knows he’ll get some booty. Unfortunately, the two seemed to have a great afternoon playing pirate and sadly, he never asked her to walk the plank. Arrrg! That night over yet another romantic beachside dinner, Vienna decides to go out on a limb and tell Bachelor Jake how she truly feels. She tells him she’s ready to be a wife, have children and most importantly wear more hair extensions. And for some reason Bachelor Jake responds by asking her what type of engagement ring she likes. She favors a princess cut as it turns out. Shocking. He then hands Vienna the Fantasy Suite Card. I was completely surprised Vienna knew how to read and not all surprised she forewent her individual room. Once they make it into the rose petal-laden Fantasy Suite, Vienna announces that she has a surprise for Bachelor Jake and retreats to the bathroom for a wardrobe change. Like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon, Vienna returns wearing the classy combination of a white teddy and black underwear. I have no idea what Bachelor Jake prefers when it comes to women’s underpinnings, so I hope this K-Mart special did it for him.
After all the Fantasy Dates have commenced and all the Fantasy Suits have been properly disinfected, we catch up with Bachelor Jake challaxin’ in his room when he gets a phone call. Now I had a few scenarios running through my mind when the phone rang.
A.) Vienna calling with her blood test results.
B.) Chris Harrison calling to see if it was ok to take off his HASMAT suit.
C.) Ali, hopped up on Twinkies and Jim Beam, calling to win him back.
For those of you playing along at home, it was Ali. Doing her best to convince Bachelor Jake she’s made the worst decision of her life, Ali tells him, “I know in my heart this is what I want and I hope you feel a little of what I feel.” Unless Ali also feels a burning, itching sensation, it doesn’t look like Bachelor Jake is feeling it with Ali. And so she remains in San Francisco to drown her sorrows in Hostess Cupcakes and vodka.
This episode’s rose ceremony was fairly predictable and I wish Chris Harrison had dubbed it as The Most Predictable Rose Ceremony Yet. Despite her fake bosom and fitness model physique, Gia was sent back to New York on the reject limo. And now that we’re down to two, the finish line to the engagement ring is almost in sight.
Full of drama, heartbreak and plenty of man tears, I give this season's Hometown Date Night episode two roses up!
Gia and Bachelor Jake got things started in New York city where they first took a cuddle cruise to Ellis Island. En route to see Lady Liberty, Gia tries to impress Bachelor Jake with her sexy modeling skillz. I hope Gia's ancestors that left the old country and survived the trek across the Atlantic are super impressed with how their American dream has come to fruition. Normally on the Hometown Date Night episode we are taken to the family homestead for a slice of life glimpse at how these crazy broads were brought up. Mom usually greets the Bachelor with open arms while Dad not only grills some steaks, but the Bachelor as well. Since MTV was using casa de Gia to film season two of "The Jersey Shore," we instead meet Gia's family for a nice Italian dinner at a restaraunt. We are introduced to Mama Gia and step-dad Tony. But my favorite member of Gia's familia has to be her step-brother Erick. The gold chains, the diamond stud in his ear, those frosted tips! Have I just discovered our next Bachelor? "The Bachelor: Bada-Bing, Bada-Boom, Bada-Rose," coming this fall to ABC.
We then travel to Williamstown, MA to visit Ali's family. I hope the city of San Francisco has been alerted that it wasn't Ali's actual hometown. I wouldn't want riots to break out on Lombard street. After frolicking in the colorful New England foliage, Ali tells Bachelor Jake about her deceased grandmother. Instead of simply sharing sweet memories, Ali decides to take our Bachelor on a ghost tour of grandma's house because apparently Ali must get the approval from the other side before she'll let Bachelor Jake meet her living relatives. Well, Gram's must have liked what she saw floating above the heavens, because Bachelor Jake asked Ali's mom for permission to propose!
Next we travel across the country to the Pacific Northwest to visit with Tenley and her family in Oregon. Surprisingly, this was Bachelor Jake's first visit to the beaver state. Bachelor Jake, you're a pilot. Does Air Sixpack not fly into PDX? Before meeting the family, Tenley takes Bachelor Jake to a dance studio where she tells him that her ex-husband never appericated her passion for dancing and says,"I want to show you the dance that's in my soul." I'm sorry, but if I were Bachelor Jake, I don't know if I'd want to see the dance inside someone's soul. But, if he must - I'm glad it's the dance within Tenley's. I'd be afraid of the bump and grind booty dance that would probably emerge from Vienna's. After the private performance, we join Tenley's adorable family for dinner where we meet her parents Rob and Beth. We all know that Tenley is my top pick for our Bachelor, but I'm a tinge worried that going through a divorce and becoming a finalist on The Bachelor all in the same year maybe pushing Tenley's emotional envelope. But, maybe Momma beth knows best. She tells Bachelor Jake, "If anybody is ready, it's Tenley." Family night in Oregon concludes with Bachelor Jake and Father Rob in a tearful embrace as he tells our Bachelor, ''I feel like I could give my blessing for Tenley to be with a person like you.''
And then we head down to the wonderful state of Florida to spend time with Vienna, her family, and her hair extensions. Vienna welcomes Bachelor Jake to the sunshine state with a pontoon river cruise near where she grew up. Along the way they encounter turtles, aligators and the truth about Vienna's previous marriage. Turns out after a secret elopement, Mr. and Mrs. Hair Extentions were married a mere 10 months before calling it quits. But, she swears she has matured since then and is ready for the "real thing." Its been hard to escape Vienna for the past few weeks as her hair extenions have graced the cover of nearly every celebrity gossip mag at the check out counter. So, if by "matured" she means got a boob job and did some nude calendar modeling, the yes, she's definitely matured. Vienna's father Vince greets Bachelor Jake at the door holding a chiuaua. Forget get saw-offed shot guns to scare the boy diddling your daughter, this is effin' Florida where they'll sic a chiuaua on your ass if you get outta line with a princess like Vienna. Over a dinner of fried gator tail, Daddy Vince learns that his baby Vienna is ''falling hard'' for Bachelor Jake. So, like every good Amurican father he feels it's his duty to take the Bachelor out to the garage to lecture him about what he expects from a future son-in-law. ''I've always treated my daughter just like a princess. That's how I expect her to be treated." I especially liked how Bachelor Jake's accent goes a bit south as he agreed to treat precious Vienna like like princess she was raised to be. For some reason Bachelor Jake seemed to enjoy his time in Florida and I'm afraid that Princess River Rat may be among our final two.
After a whirlwind of hometown dates, Bachelor Jakes and the final four head back to their hotel in L.A. to prepare for the next rose ceremony. We catch up with Bachelor Jake challaxin' in his room when he gets a knock at the door. Now I had a few scenarios running through my mind when I heard the knock.
A.) A jilted Jillian coming to finally confess her true love for Jake and hatred for men named Ed that wear short shorts
B.) Chris Harrison stopping by with hookers and blow
Or
C.) One of the remaining four breaking it to the Bachelor that she must choose between him or her career
A crying mess of an Ali comes to tell Bachelor Jake that her job is in jeopardy if she continues with the show. Hoping that Bachelor Jake will put on a ring on it right then and there, Ali wants our Bachelor's input. He tells her, "I can't right now guarantee you that I'm going to put a ring on your finger, but I can't look you in the eye and tell you that I'm not going to." And with that Ali melts to the floor in a puddle of tears.
That night at the rose ceremony as Chris Harrison greets the ladies, Ali interrupts and asks for a moment alone with Bachelor Jake. Poor Chris Harrison hasn't been able to make it through an entire rose ceremony all season without some sort of dramatic interruption. He escorts Ali to the Bachelor's Quarters where the two instantly entagle themselves on the couch. Hoping he'll give her the Final Rose guarantee, Ali tells Bachelor Jake, ''I came into this with everything I wanted in life except for you and there's a chance I could leave it with nothing.'' But Bachelor Jake couldn't promise that she'd win the engagement ring or star in the upcoming two-hour Bachelor Wedding special during sweeps. So, Ali decides she can't stay and boards the reject limo where she instantlly begins questioning her decision.
And so we're down to three; Gia, Tenley and Vienna. Tune in next week as Bachelor Jake takes the trio on fantasy dates in St. Lucia. Can't wait to see who decides to "forgo" the fantasy suite. My guess it won't be Vienna. She's been dying for some of the Bachelor's sausage...
Week 5 brings us the final five vying to be Bachelor Jake’s co-pilot of love. I would also like to acknowledge the fact the he gave out all the roses this week which gave Chris Harrison a night off from relationship counselor duty.
We meet up with the sister-wives back in the RV bound for San Francisco. San Francisco is home to the Golden Gate Bridge, the 49ers and the setting for “Full House,” but least we forget it’s also Ali’s hometown. San Francisco.gov should really think about adding her to their list of attractions. But this visit isn’t just exciting for Frisco Ali; it’s also a big day for Vienna who has never been to a big city before. Vienna, though I don’t think your tin-can and string phone will reach all the way down to Standford , Florida, I do hope you got the chance to tell all your kinfolk back on the swamp about your venture into the big city. Just remember, it’s called a pool, not a cement pond.
The first one-on-one date of the trip goes to Tenley, which got my approval. (As you know, she’s been my choice since week one!) She and Bachelor Jake get a little jolly on the trolley as they go for a private tour around San Francisco. The dimpled duo gets off at Chinatown for more baby talk, kissy faces, and a Chinese didjeridu street performance.
Back at the fancy hotel where Vienna’s riding the magical elevators, the girls receive a date card inviting Gia and Vienna on the next two-on-one date. Francisco Ali was relieved her name wasn’t on that card since it’s her “town.” I’m sure she wouldn’t want to be caught dead on the streets of San Fran on a dual date with the likes Vienna. What would her fellow San Franciscoians think?
Meanwhile, Bachelor Jake takes Tenley on a romantic dinner date to Coit Tower where he tells us, “Out of all the women, I can most picture Tenley as my wife.” I’ll raise a rose to that! (As you know, she’s been my choice since week one!) I was pretty satisfied with their date; meaningful, honest conversation and no crying. The one complaint I do have is with Bachelor Jake’s black turtleneck. He looked more like a beatnik than the dashing bachelor pilot that he is.
The next day a giant trunk full of clothes arrive at the hotel for Gia and Vienna to sift through before their two-on-one date. I was thankful this was happening because Vienna needs fashion help. But what does girlfriend pull out of the Forever 21-in-a-box; a sparkly purple tank top. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it look pretty for dates with the bachelor.
Bachelor Jake meets the dueling damsels at a winery castle in Nappa Valley for an awkward overnight date of wine tasting and snide remarks. As the trio sits down for dinner, Vienna tells Bachelor Jake how she was “shaking in her pants” during last week’s rose ceremony. How cute, she’s trying to using to metaphors! Looks like big city livin’ is starting to rub off on ‘ol Vi. After trying to tell Bachelor Jake how upset she was over Ali getting a rose because Ali was so upset over Vienna getting a rose, Bachelor Jake decides to get the hell away from the one woman firing squad and whisks Gia away for some alone time. As the two excuse themselves from the table, Gia turns to Vienna and says, “You can have my salmon.” I hope those words live in infamy.
Bachelor Jake and Gia find a cozy spot in the wine cellar to talk and cuddle and where Gia could bite her fingernails. I’m surprised she took her hands away from her mouth long enough for Bachelor Jake to kiss her. But the canoodling doesn’t last long. Once Vienna realizes salmon doesn’t taste like chicken, she grabs a lantern and like a bloodhound hot on a trail starts sniffing around for fresh bachelor blood. Finally, after what seemed like hours spent wondering around a dark maze of endless hallways, Vienna and the entire camera crew following her, stumble upon her date mates. Then she and Bachelor Jake cuddle up for some alone time where he asks what she thinks of married life. Vienna replies, “I want married life to be like we’re little 16 year old kids.” Interesting answer because you know, there is nothing more stable than an adolescent’s love life. Maybe they’ll even make it public on Facebook.
The love triangle spends the night in the castle; Vienna and Gia in one room, Bachelor Jake in another. While Bachelor Jakes nestles in for the night, Vienna grabs her lantern, two glasses of wine and takes off into castle’s darkness to surprise him for a midnight love snack. After making an awkward toast, Vienna tries to make her way in between his sheets but our almost naked Bachelor somehow resists her sweet talk and hair extensions and suggests she goes back to her room.
Corrie is next on tap for a one-on-one and it’s about time, they haven’t even kissed yet and we’re a week away from hometown dates. Time is roses people! Bachelor Jake takes Corrie on a canoe ride where nearby ducks had more chemistry than these two. The he takes her to a science museum where they endure more awkward silences and wildlife. It’s during dinner that we discover Corrie’s big secret. Now in reality television it’s almost rule that every “The Real World” has a gay roommate and every season of “The Bachelor” has virgin. So for those of you playing along at home, you guessed it, Corrie still has her V-card. Bachelor Jake took the news like a champ and the pair finally shared their first kiss and then he retired for an evening of cold showers.
The next day Frisco Ali finally gets to take Bachelor Jake on her own tour of San Francisco. They first visit her neighborhood where they share a puke-inducing moment picking out flowers at a flower stand. Ali tells us she’s walked by that same flower numerous times wishing someone Bachelor Jake-like would buy her a flower. Something tells me if this doesn’t work out, that flower stand’s going up in flames. (Oh the memories!) Over brunch, Bachelor Jake asks Ali about the possibility of visiting her family on the upcoming hometown dates. Ali basically tells Bachelor Jake how weird, dysfunctional and un-picture perfect her family is. Way to win him over and write yourself out of any family wills.
Ali’s best date ever in San Francisco continues as she takes Bachelor Jake along her jogging route where the two pop open a bottle of champagne and talk about her hatred for Vienna. Ever the diplomat, Bachelor Jake never waivers on his feelings for the human hair extension and that leaves Ali utterly confused. But not too confused as moments later she and Bachelor Jake run and jump into the ocean fully clothed.
Later that evening is the rose ceremony and all the girls are on edge. Vienna’s a nervous wreck as she re-thinks her attempted sack session at the castle. But Bachelor Jake calms her nerves by taking her to see the view from his hotel room. Tenley almost cries telling him how hard it is to see him falling for other girls and randomly asks him to slow dance. And Corrie starts to regret telling him about her sexual inexperience. Even I was starting to get nervous and all I had to worry about was not burning my frozen pizza in the oven.
During Bachelor Jake’s pre-rose ceremony chit-chat with Chris Harrison we learn that he’s truly fallen for all five remaining girls and that letting one go won’t be easy. Tenley is first name called to accept a rose that evening, and I was pretty relieved. (She was my pick from week one!) Then he calls Ali, Gia and dun dun dun…VIENNA! So, sweet little virginal Corrie is sent back to Kissimee, Florida while Hair Extenions McGee lives to accept another rose. Alls fair in love and barf.
I bet Chris Harrison made a nice bouquet for his wife with all the roses Bachelor Jake left on the table after tonight's episode. WTF? I know you don't want to lead anyone on, but don't you realize how boring it is for the Bachelor viewing audience when you only go out on dates with the girls you actually like? It's the awkward silences and kiss dodgings that keep us tuning in Monday after Monday. What is it with Bachelor's today, taking this show seriously? Bring back douche bag bachelors like Bob Guiney and Jesse Palmer. They would give roses to anything with a pulse.
Tonight started out like an episode of MTV’s “Road Rules” as the sister-wives packed up for a road trip in an RV along the California coast. The first stop on the pilgrimage of love was a camping trip to Santa Ynez. Gia was invited on that night’s one-on-one date and decided stilettos were the best footwear option for the campground’s rough terrain. She and Bachelor Jake played hide-and-see and spin the bottle on their first date, and she was offered the date rose. Yawn. If I ever make it on the show remind me to pack Candyland and to brush up on my hop-scotch skills.
Next stop for the rose-mobile was Pismo Beach for a group date of dunebugging and sand surfing. Other than Vienna and Jessie getting their dunebuggies stuck, the only reaction I have toward this date is a sudden interest in sand surfing. Unlike Tenley I won’t be wearing short-shorts if I get the chance to go. Girlfriend got sand in places she won’t know exists unless she makes it to the Fantasy Suite with Bachelor Jake.
After the sandbox playdate, Bachelor Jake meets the women for drinks at the Madonna Inn which looks like it was decorated by a Barbie doll. Ashleigh was the first to snag some alone time, and ouch my ears. Could you keep the pin dropping to a minimum, I can barely hear what she and Bachelor Jake aren’t saying to each other. He also spends some alone time with Tenley where she confesses that Bachelor Jake is the first person she’s kissed since her divorce. And they spend their entire alone time continuing to kiss since her divorce. Yours truly picked her to win the engagement ring since day one, so I wasn’t the least bit surprised that Tenley and her angel lips were offered the date rose.
The shaggin’ wagon then takes the clan to Big Sur for a night in the redwood forest. Bachelor Jake invites Country Ella and Kathryn on the dreaded two-on-one date. Throughout Bachelor history it’s typically the goal of one of the girls to do one of the following to other girl on the date: conversation dominating, one-upping, and getting the other girl drunk. Bachelor Jake hardly let the two-on-one shenanigans begin before he decided he couldn’t fathom spending the next 60 years with either of them and sent both girls home. As for the unclaimed date rose, he dramatically tossed it into the campfire like some crazed pryo-bachelor.
Tonight’s rose ceremony was almost painful to watch and it wasn’t just because of Jessie’s lime green eye-shadow. Bachelor Jake was down to three women and two roses when he suddenly asked to take a break to seek out the all-knowing Chris Harrison for advice. Bachelor Jake explained that he isn’t in love with two of the women left standing and with Poppa Harrison’s approval, one of the roses was taken away almost as if it never even existed. Vienna is offered the final rose of the evening while Jessie and Ashleigh make their tearful exits. So, let’s tally them up. You wasted two roses tonight, Bachelor Jake. Here’s to giving them all out next week. Don’t you know there are starving bachelorettes in the world that would have killed for those roses?
Last night’s episode of “The Bachelor” should’ve been sponsored by Kleenex and Prozac. These broads were total messes. Therefore, I would like to use this post as a public service announcement on behalf of un-crazy women everywhere. Not all chicks behave this way, just the ones trying to find husbands on reality TV dating shows.
Week three starts out with Vienna getting a one-on-one date invitation which throws the brothel farm into a panic of insecurity and cattiness. Michelle tells us how attractive she thinks she is, therefore how could Bachelor Jake even think of taking Vienna on a date without ordering her to wear a paper bag over her head. And Ali thinks it’s “so weird” that he’s going out on another one-on-one because their date was “so special.” Ali, you’re on “The Bachelor.” Everything is weird and nothing is special.
Bachelor Jake takes Vienna on a helicopter ride over the sprawling bachelorette mansion where she looks down on the haters and laughs and waves and tosses her hair extensions in retribution. But a mansion fly over wasn’t the main focus of the date. Which is a shame; I was hoping Vienna would get all Sarah Palin on their asses and shoot at them like moose from the helicopter. But that’s probably too romantic for a first date.
Instead, the chopper flies the couple to a bridge where they will bungee jump from a 120ft ledge. Both Bachelor Jake and Vienna are crazy afraid of heights, so after several minutes of cursing and coddling, they finally jump and this is when Bachelor Jake and Vienna share their first kiss. He describes it as “unlike any first kiss I’ve ever had in 31 years.” What? Bachelor Jake, you think kissing while dangling upside down by a bungee cord 70ft above a shallow creek is unusual? Ladies, he obviously isn’t very adventurous in the bedroom…
Back at the mansion the ladies receive a group date invitation to a comedy club. Michelle, of course, is ticked that she’s subjected to yet another group date. What does a crazy girl have to do to get a one-on-one around here? Maybe you should talk more about how your mother wants grandchildren, Michelle. Bachelors love it when you do that.
After bungee kissing off a bridge, Bachelor Jake and Vienna retire to the hot tub where Vienna shows off her classy hip tattoo and accepts the one-on-one date rose. Who knew Bachelor Jake was such a sucker for a woman with bubble gum colored finger nails, pink ice rings, and star-shaped necklaces? Vienna has such a refined taste in accessories. In other news, Chris Harrison’s 10 year old daughter has reported her jewelry box missing. Coincidence?
The next day Bachelor Jake takes the remaining sister-wives on a group date to John Lovitz’s Comedy Club. I guarantee John Lovitz hasn’t had a screaming welcome from girls this pretty since ever. He proceeds to inform them that they will each perform a stand-up routine. Oh the horror! Don’t the producers know these girls are really only good at dates where you just have to sexily eat strawberries and wear a bikini. How dare you make them talk out loud! Here is a quick break down of the women’s comedy hour. Ali tells a joke she must’ve found off a popsicle stick; Elizabeth thought this was Showtime and most of her set was bleeped out; Tenley did yoga; Corrie impersonated Vienna; and Michelle got a resounding applause of crickets. I hope the Cohen brothers were taking notes…
After the comedy club, Bachelor Jake takes the ladies to a rooftop lounge for fondue. Finally, a chance to do what they do best – eat strawberries. But, a lot more went down than sexy strawberry eating. First, Tenley opens up to Bachelor Jake about her divorce, Ashleigh confronts him on his idiotic decision of giving Vienna a rose, and last but not least there’s Michelle. After whining to her sister-wives about how she didn’t leave her family and her job so she could have “playtime,” she finally gets some alone time with Bachelor Jake.
Claiming she is the only girl on the show trying to find love, Michelle tells Bachelor Jake those four magic words every single guy in America hopes to hear: I WANT A HUSBAND. Those words must’ve sounded like the sweet symphony of a napalm blast in his ear, because after that Bachelor Jake asked her to leave. No Rozzzlyn-esque funny business needed here, he flat out kicked her skinny jeans to the curb for being a crazy mess.
Country Ella is the next sister-wife to get a one-on-one date. (I’m sure that would make Michelle roll over in her straight jacket.) Bachelor Jake takes Ella to Sea World to see Shamu, and if that isn’t grand enough, he has also arranged for her son Ethan to surprise her. After a heartfelt mother-son-reunion, the trio swims with the dolphins and Country Ella accepts the date rose.
The night’s episode concludes with Valishia the Homemaker (am I the only one who’s just now noticing that she was on the show?) and Elizabeth making tearful farewells. Personally, I’m pumped for next week. Did anyone else see the clip where Bachelor Jake tosses a rose into the fire? That’s the stuff that keeps me going, folks…
What a loaded episode – I hardly know where to begin. A sex scandal breaks out, Chris Harrison almost cries, “Wings of Love” is finally played and we see Bachelor Jake in his swim trunks for the first time this season. Bachelor Week 2 you did not disappoint.
Last night’s episode started out with a photo shoot for NStyle Magazine. Way to make the three girls that aren’t professional models feel like Ugly Betty, ABC. Rozlyn (having a ‘z’ in her name just makes her seem scandalous!) has been modeling for 10 years and Gia is a “fitness model.” I’m not really sure how one becomes a “fitness model” or what exactly a “fitness model” models, but it got a big thumbs down from our resident expert, Rozlyn. And she should know, she “usually models wedding gowns.” Of course Rozzzzlyn was first at bat and I had to laugh when the photographer told her to put her legs a little closer together. Twenty bucks says that’s the first time she’s ever been told to do that. Zing!
Non-Model Christina from San Diego was “literally freaking out” about the photo-shoot and with good reason. What was the deal with that that flock of seagulls hairdo they gave her? No wonder she gets hammered later on in the date and hums the theme to “Twilight Zone.” Thankfully Bachelor Jake comes to her rescue, takes her in his beefy pilot arms and makes all the scariness of being a contestant on a reality dating show go away.
After the photo shoot Bachelor Jake and his harem head out for a night of hot-tubbing. (So original, ABC.) The best part about hot tub groups dates is guessing which chick is the first to bust out in her bikini. I would’ve put my money on Rozzzlyn. She looks like the kind of girl that would never miss a chance to flaunt around in a two-piece, especially on national television. But to my surprise it was Ashleigh the Account Manager from Maryland. And lucky for her! She was also the first to see Bachelor Jake with his shirt off. Who knew flying a plane could give one such abs of steel!
Meanwhile at the brothel farm, the ladies receive the first one-on-one date invitation. The note alluded to flying somewhere with Bachelor Jake, on the wings of love no doubt, and was accompanied by a diamond necklace which unleashed collective screams of intolerable octaves. Michelle the Office Manager from California nearly has an asthma attack over the necklace, and with the logic of a reality TV dating show contestant, thinks that if she’s the first one to put on the necklace she’ll get the one-on-one date. I sure hope if that was truly the case, Bachelor Jake had access to a surveillance camera or received smoke signals from the show’s producer to abort the plan immediately.
Back at the hot tub party, sneaky Rozzzzlyn steals Bachelor Jake away from the other bikinis for some one-on-one time. She wraps herself and Bachelor Jake up in a Snuggie, sexily bites her lip and whines about having to be the first at the photo shoot and then violently grabs his face in a maneuver typically reserved for zoo handlers. One can only assume they were kissing. The hot tub group date comes to a close with Christina wiping tears from her eyes and with Rozzzzlyn accepting the group date rose and telling us, “Now that I’m not going home, my strategy is to just be myself.” Wow, Rozzzlyn I hope those words were tasty! And if anyone can tell me what the hell Christina’s wrist tattoo says, you will also get a rose.
We finally find out that Ali from Pennsylvania gets the coveted first one-on-one date and she also gets the diamond necklace. Bachelor Jake whisks Ali away on a motorcycle and then flies her around in an airplane, which she is deathly afraid of. Not to worry Ali, like the sexy pilot that he is, Bachelor Jake checks all of the plane’s nooks and crannies for leaks, holes, and terrorists all while flexing his biceps. Something tells me this is one flight where a full body scan would have no objectors. As Pilot Bachelor Jake and Ali ascend to the clouds “On the Wings of Love” FINALLY begins to play. In related news, Jeffery Osborne finishes his bottle whiskey and searches for a gun.
After a boring group date to an amusement park, we were finally let in on the MOST SHOCKING SCANDAL IN BACHELOR HISTORY. During the cock-tail party Chris Harrison pulls Rozzzzlyn aside and confronts her about the inappropriate relationship she’s been having with one of the show’s producers. Nothing gets by Poppa Harrison, biotch! I think he deserves an Emmy or at least a rose for his performance on last night’s episode. My favorite part of the whole calamity though, was when Rozzzlyn nearly twists her ankle while trying to sexily yet hurriedly pack her suitcase. The good news is there is one less model Christina has to compete against.
Wow. Season 14 of "The Bachelor." How time has flown since we were first introduced to the only show in television history to co-star a hot tub. Well, Bachelor Season is here again and how I've missed the tears, the drama, and that sparkling silver platter of roses that have come to define my Monday nights.
This season ABC reached into the Tupperware container of "Bachelorette" leftovers and heated up Jake Pavelka, a commercial airline pilot from Texas. Labeled as "The Nice Guy" on last season's "Bachelorette," Jake is out to prove that nice guys become the bachelor who gets to choose his future wife from a hot tub of boobs on national television.
Since Bachelor Jake is a pilot, ABC creatively named this season “On the Wings of Love” which of course opened the door for all sorts of sexual innuendos. Here is a smattering of my favorites thus far.
“I would love to be a passenger in your plane.” – Michelle from California after pretending to fly around like an airplane but before she spent the rest of the evening in tears
“We make the perfect pair of aviators.” – Shelia from California as she hands Bachelor
Jake a pair aviator sunglasses
“Your stewardess has arrived!” - Ashley from Pennsylvania prancing around in a stewardess costume. (Don’t forget she’s just two classes away from earning her Ph.D. and then she’ll be a professor!)
And my personal favorite:
“You can land your plane on my landing strip anytime.” – Said her native Cambodian tongue, Naughty Channy also from California
You California girls and your witty senses of humor! All the hometown girl from Lafollette, TN could think up was the ‘ol stain on your tie trick. Its ok Country Ella, he loved your accent…
After Bachelor Jake met his bevy of beauties he retired to the mansion for the cocktail party or as I like to call it, the talent competition. This is where the bachelorettes vie for The Bachelor’s attention and anything to catch his eye is fair game. Past seasons have included gymnastic routines, spontaneous opera performances, magic tricks, joke telling and a very memorable rendition of “The Star Spangled Banner.” This season, however was a let down. I was hoping for at least a kazoo performance but all I got was Elizabeth from Nebraska throwing the pigskin and organizing a game of touch football. And then Stephanie from Illinois taught Bachelor Jake to two-step which really doesn’t make since for someone from Chicago. How I miss the bygone seasons of drunk yodeling and impromptu cheerleading. And Bachelor Jake, you kind of do throw like a girl.
Mid-way through the cocktail party two top-secret guests arrive at the mansion – Bachelorette Jillian and Ed, OMG! Part of me seriously worried that Bachelor Jake was going to still try and give Jillian a rose, but alas she was just there for moral support and to dance with some of the contestants. Meanwhile, Ed polled the girls on whether or not they liked men in short shorts and further pushed back his and Jillian’s wedding date.
The coveted first impression rose went to Tenley Like the Number 10 from Oregon. I think she’s a frontrunner and I’m usually right on when it comes to picking winners on “The Bachelor.” If there were only a spread for such a thing in Vegas…
Bachelor Jake had to let 10 ladies go on this inaugural episode and like every episode in 14 seasons of Bachelor history there were some teary goodbyes. Though none could compete with the “He can’t let me go. My eggs are rotting…” comment from a few seasons back, I did love Emily from Ohio’s dramatic shunning of the camera as she turned her head and cried into her side pony.
And so season 14 of “The Bachelor” has lift-off. Godspeed, Bachelor Jake and I hope you make that connecting flight on the wings of love.
These are my recaps of ABC's "The Bachelor", enjoy!
