Week 2

What a loaded episode – I hardly know where to begin. A sex scandal breaks out, Chris Harrison almost cries, “Wings of Love” is finally played and we see Bachelor Jake in his swim trunks for the first time this season. Bachelor Week 2 you did not disappoint.

Last night’s episode started out with a photo shoot for NStyle Magazine. Way to make the three girls that aren’t professional models feel like Ugly Betty, ABC. Rozlyn (having a ‘z’ in her name just makes her seem scandalous!) has been modeling for 10 years and Gia is a “fitness model.” I’m not really sure how one becomes a “fitness model” or what exactly a “fitness model” models, but it got a big thumbs down from our resident expert, Rozlyn. And she should know, she “usually models wedding gowns.” Of course Rozzzzlyn was first at bat and I had to laugh when the photographer told her to put her legs a little closer together. Twenty bucks says that’s the first time she’s ever been told to do that. Zing!

Non-Model Christina from San Diego was “literally freaking out” about the photo-shoot and with good reason. What was the deal with that that flock of seagulls hairdo they gave her? No wonder she gets hammered later on in the date and hums the theme to “Twilight Zone.” Thankfully Bachelor Jake comes to her rescue, takes her in his beefy pilot arms and makes all the scariness of being a contestant on a reality dating show go away.

After the photo shoot Bachelor Jake and his harem head out for a night of hot-tubbing. (So original, ABC.) The best part about hot tub groups dates is guessing which chick is the first to bust out in her bikini. I would’ve put my money on Rozzzlyn. She looks like the kind of girl that would never miss a chance to flaunt around in a two-piece, especially on national television. But to my surprise it was Ashleigh the Account Manager from Maryland. And lucky for her! She was also the first to see Bachelor Jake with his shirt off. Who knew flying a plane could give one such abs of steel!

Meanwhile at the brothel farm, the ladies receive the first one-on-one date invitation. The note alluded to flying somewhere with Bachelor Jake, on the wings of love no doubt, and was accompanied by a diamond necklace which unleashed collective screams of intolerable octaves. Michelle the Office Manager from California nearly has an asthma attack over the necklace, and with the logic of a reality TV dating show contestant, thinks that if she’s the first one to put on the necklace she’ll get the one-on-one date. I sure hope if that was truly the case, Bachelor Jake had access to a surveillance camera or received smoke signals from the show’s producer to abort the plan immediately.

Back at the hot tub party, sneaky Rozzzzlyn steals Bachelor Jake away from the other bikinis for some one-on-one time. She wraps herself and Bachelor Jake up in a Snuggie, sexily bites her lip and whines about having to be the first at the photo shoot and then violently grabs his face in a maneuver typically reserved for zoo handlers. One can only assume they were kissing. The hot tub group date comes to a close with Christina wiping tears from her eyes and with Rozzzzlyn accepting the group date rose and telling us, “Now that I’m not going home, my strategy is to just be myself.” Wow, Rozzzlyn I hope those words were tasty! And if anyone can tell me what the hell Christina’s wrist tattoo says, you will also get a rose.

We finally find out that Ali from Pennsylvania gets the coveted first one-on-one date and she also gets the diamond necklace. Bachelor Jake whisks Ali away on a motorcycle and then flies her around in an airplane, which she is deathly afraid of. Not to worry Ali, like the sexy pilot that he is, Bachelor Jake checks all of the plane’s nooks and crannies for leaks, holes, and terrorists all while flexing his biceps. Something tells me this is one flight where a full body scan would have no objectors. As Pilot Bachelor Jake and Ali ascend to the clouds “On the Wings of Love” FINALLY begins to play. In related news, Jeffery Osborne finishes his bottle whiskey and searches for a gun.

After a boring group date to an amusement park, we were finally let in on the MOST SHOCKING SCANDAL IN BACHELOR HISTORY. During the cock-tail party Chris Harrison pulls Rozzzzlyn aside and confronts her about the inappropriate relationship she’s been having with one of the show’s producers. Nothing gets by Poppa Harrison, biotch! I think he deserves an Emmy or at least a rose for his performance on last night’s episode. My favorite part of the whole calamity though, was when Rozzzlyn nearly twists her ankle while trying to sexily yet hurriedly pack her suitcase. The good news is there is one less model Christina has to compete against.