Week 3

Last night’s episode of “The Bachelor” should’ve been sponsored by Kleenex and Prozac. These broads were total messes. Therefore, I would like to use this post as a public service announcement on behalf of un-crazy women everywhere. Not all chicks behave this way, just the ones trying to find husbands on reality TV dating shows.

Week three starts out with Vienna getting a one-on-one date invitation which throws the brothel farm into a panic of insecurity and cattiness. Michelle tells us how attractive she thinks she is, therefore how could Bachelor Jake even think of taking Vienna on a date without ordering her to wear a paper bag over her head. And Ali thinks it’s “so weird” that he’s going out on another one-on-one because their date was “so special.” Ali, you’re on “The Bachelor.” Everything is weird and nothing is special.

Bachelor Jake takes Vienna on a helicopter ride over the sprawling bachelorette mansion where she looks down on the haters and laughs and waves and tosses her hair extensions in retribution. But a mansion fly over wasn’t the main focus of the date. Which is a shame; I was hoping Vienna would get all Sarah Palin on their asses and shoot at them like moose from the helicopter. But that’s probably too romantic for a first date.

Instead, the chopper flies the couple to a bridge where they will bungee jump from a 120ft ledge. Both Bachelor Jake and Vienna are crazy afraid of heights, so after several minutes of cursing and coddling, they finally jump and this is when Bachelor Jake and Vienna share their first kiss. He describes it as “unlike any first kiss I’ve ever had in 31 years.” What? Bachelor Jake, you think kissing while dangling upside down by a bungee cord 70ft above a shallow creek is unusual? Ladies, he obviously isn’t very adventurous in the bedroom…

Back at the mansion the ladies receive a group date invitation to a comedy club. Michelle, of course, is ticked that she’s subjected to yet another group date. What does a crazy girl have to do to get a one-on-one around here? Maybe you should talk more about how your mother wants grandchildren, Michelle. Bachelors love it when you do that.

After bungee kissing off a bridge, Bachelor Jake and Vienna retire to the hot tub where Vienna shows off her classy hip tattoo and accepts the one-on-one date rose. Who knew Bachelor Jake was such a sucker for a woman with bubble gum colored finger nails, pink ice rings, and star-shaped necklaces? Vienna has such a refined taste in accessories. In other news, Chris Harrison’s 10 year old daughter has reported her jewelry box missing. Coincidence?

The next day Bachelor Jake takes the remaining sister-wives on a group date to John Lovitz’s Comedy Club. I guarantee John Lovitz hasn’t had a screaming welcome from girls this pretty since ever. He proceeds to inform them that they will each perform a stand-up routine. Oh the horror! Don’t the producers know these girls are really only good at dates where you just have to sexily eat strawberries and wear a bikini. How dare you make them talk out loud! Here is a quick break down of the women’s comedy hour. Ali tells a joke she must’ve found off a popsicle stick; Elizabeth thought this was Showtime and most of her set was bleeped out; Tenley did yoga; Corrie impersonated Vienna; and Michelle got a resounding applause of crickets. I hope the Cohen brothers were taking notes…

After the comedy club, Bachelor Jake takes the ladies to a rooftop lounge for fondue. Finally, a chance to do what they do best – eat strawberries. But, a lot more went down than sexy strawberry eating. First, Tenley opens up to Bachelor Jake about her divorce, Ashleigh confronts him on his idiotic decision of giving Vienna a rose, and last but not least there’s Michelle. After whining to her sister-wives about how she didn’t leave her family and her job so she could have “playtime,” she finally gets some alone time with Bachelor Jake.

Claiming she is the only girl on the show trying to find love, Michelle tells Bachelor Jake those four magic words every single guy in America hopes to hear: I WANT A HUSBAND. Those words must’ve sounded like the sweet symphony of a napalm blast in his ear, because after that Bachelor Jake asked her to leave. No Rozzzlyn-esque funny business needed here, he flat out kicked her skinny jeans to the curb for being a crazy mess.

Country Ella is the next sister-wife to get a one-on-one date. (I’m sure that would make Michelle roll over in her straight jacket.) Bachelor Jake takes Ella to Sea World to see Shamu, and if that isn’t grand enough, he has also arranged for her son Ethan to surprise her. After a heartfelt mother-son-reunion, the trio swims with the dolphins and Country Ella accepts the date rose.

The night’s episode concludes with Valishia the Homemaker (am I the only one who’s just now noticing that she was on the show?) and Elizabeth making tearful farewells. Personally, I’m pumped for next week. Did anyone else see the clip where Bachelor Jake tosses a rose into the fire? That’s the stuff that keeps me going, folks…