Week 4

I bet Chris Harrison made a nice bouquet for his wife with all the roses Bachelor Jake left on the table after tonight's episode. WTF? I know you don't want to lead anyone on, but don't you realize how boring it is for the Bachelor viewing audience when you only go out on dates with the girls you actually like? It's the awkward silences and kiss dodgings that keep us tuning in Monday after Monday. What is it with Bachelor's today, taking this show seriously? Bring back douche bag bachelors like Bob Guiney and Jesse Palmer. They would give roses to anything with a pulse.

Tonight started out like an episode of MTV’s “Road Rules” as the sister-wives packed up for a road trip in an RV along the California coast. The first stop on the pilgrimage of love was a camping trip to Santa Ynez. Gia was invited on that night’s one-on-one date and decided stilettos were the best footwear option for the campground’s rough terrain. She and Bachelor Jake played hide-and-see and spin the bottle on their first date, and she was offered the date rose. Yawn. If I ever make it on the show remind me to pack Candyland and to brush up on my hop-scotch skills.

Next stop for the rose-mobile was Pismo Beach for a group date of dunebugging and sand surfing. Other than Vienna and Jessie getting their dunebuggies stuck, the only reaction I have toward this date is a sudden interest in sand surfing. Unlike Tenley I won’t be wearing short-shorts if I get the chance to go. Girlfriend got sand in places she won’t know exists unless she makes it to the Fantasy Suite with Bachelor Jake.

After the sandbox playdate, Bachelor Jake meets the women for drinks at the Madonna Inn which looks like it was decorated by a Barbie doll. Ashleigh was the first to snag some alone time, and ouch my ears. Could you keep the pin dropping to a minimum, I can barely hear what she and Bachelor Jake aren’t saying to each other. He also spends some alone time with Tenley where she confesses that Bachelor Jake is the first person she’s kissed since her divorce. And they spend their entire alone time continuing to kiss since her divorce. Yours truly picked her to win the engagement ring since day one, so I wasn’t the least bit surprised that Tenley and her angel lips were offered the date rose.

The shaggin’ wagon then takes the clan to Big Sur for a night in the redwood forest. Bachelor Jake invites Country Ella and Kathryn on the dreaded two-on-one date. Throughout Bachelor history it’s typically the goal of one of the girls to do one of the following to other girl on the date: conversation dominating, one-upping, and getting the other girl drunk. Bachelor Jake hardly let the two-on-one shenanigans begin before he decided he couldn’t fathom spending the next 60 years with either of them and sent both girls home. As for the unclaimed date rose, he dramatically tossed it into the campfire like some crazed pryo-bachelor.

Tonight’s rose ceremony was almost painful to watch and it wasn’t just because of Jessie’s lime green eye-shadow. Bachelor Jake was down to three women and two roses when he suddenly asked to take a break to seek out the all-knowing Chris Harrison for advice. Bachelor Jake explained that he isn’t in love with two of the women left standing and with Poppa Harrison’s approval, one of the roses was taken away almost as if it never even existed. Vienna is offered the final rose of the evening while Jessie and Ashleigh make their tearful exits. So, let’s tally them up. You wasted two roses tonight, Bachelor Jake. Here’s to giving them all out next week. Don’t you know there are starving bachelorettes in the world that would have killed for those roses?