Week 5

Week 5 brings us the final five vying to be Bachelor Jake’s co-pilot of love. I would also like to acknowledge the fact the he gave out all the roses this week which gave Chris Harrison a night off from relationship counselor duty.

We meet up with the sister-wives back in the RV bound for San Francisco. San Francisco is home to the Golden Gate Bridge, the 49ers and the setting for “Full House,” but least we forget it’s also Ali’s hometown. San Francisco.gov should really think about adding her to their list of attractions. But this visit isn’t just exciting for Frisco Ali; it’s also a big day for Vienna who has never been to a big city before. Vienna, though I don’t think your tin-can and string phone will reach all the way down to Standford , Florida, I do hope you got the chance to tell all your kinfolk back on the swamp about your venture into the big city. Just remember, it’s called a pool, not a cement pond.
The first one-on-one date of the trip goes to Tenley, which got my approval. (As you know, she’s been my choice since week one!) She and Bachelor Jake get a little jolly on the trolley as they go for a private tour around San Francisco. The dimpled duo gets off at Chinatown for more baby talk, kissy faces, and a Chinese didjeridu street performance.

Back at the fancy hotel where Vienna’s riding the magical elevators, the girls receive a date card inviting Gia and Vienna on the next two-on-one date. Francisco Ali was relieved her name wasn’t on that card since it’s her “town.” I’m sure she wouldn’t want to be caught dead on the streets of San Fran on a dual date with the likes Vienna. What would her fellow San Franciscoians think?

Meanwhile, Bachelor Jake takes Tenley on a romantic dinner date to Coit Tower where he tells us, “Out of all the women, I can most picture Tenley as my wife.” I’ll raise a rose to that! (As you know, she’s been my choice since week one!) I was pretty satisfied with their date; meaningful, honest conversation and no crying. The one complaint I do have is with Bachelor Jake’s black turtleneck. He looked more like a beatnik than the dashing bachelor pilot that he is.

The next day a giant trunk full of clothes arrive at the hotel for Gia and Vienna to sift through before their two-on-one date. I was thankful this was happening because Vienna needs fashion help. But what does girlfriend pull out of the Forever 21-in-a-box; a sparkly purple tank top. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it look pretty for dates with the bachelor.

Bachelor Jake meets the dueling damsels at a winery castle in Nappa Valley for an awkward overnight date of wine tasting and snide remarks. As the trio sits down for dinner, Vienna tells Bachelor Jake how she was “shaking in her pants” during last week’s rose ceremony. How cute, she’s trying to using to metaphors! Looks like big city livin’ is starting to rub off on ‘ol Vi. After trying to tell Bachelor Jake how upset she was over Ali getting a rose because Ali was so upset over Vienna getting a rose, Bachelor Jake decides to get the hell away from the one woman firing squad and whisks Gia away for some alone time. As the two excuse themselves from the table, Gia turns to Vienna and says, “You can have my salmon.” I hope those words live in infamy.

Bachelor Jake and Gia find a cozy spot in the wine cellar to talk and cuddle and where Gia could bite her fingernails. I’m surprised she took her hands away from her mouth long enough for Bachelor Jake to kiss her. But the canoodling doesn’t last long. Once Vienna realizes salmon doesn’t taste like chicken, she grabs a lantern and like a bloodhound hot on a trail starts sniffing around for fresh bachelor blood. Finally, after what seemed like hours spent wondering around a dark maze of endless hallways, Vienna and the entire camera crew following her, stumble upon her date mates. Then she and Bachelor Jake cuddle up for some alone time where he asks what she thinks of married life. Vienna replies, “I want married life to be like we’re little 16 year old kids.” Interesting answer because you know, there is nothing more stable than an adolescent’s love life. Maybe they’ll even make it public on Facebook.

The love triangle spends the night in the castle; Vienna and Gia in one room, Bachelor Jake in another. While Bachelor Jakes nestles in for the night, Vienna grabs her lantern, two glasses of wine and takes off into castle’s darkness to surprise him for a midnight love snack. After making an awkward toast, Vienna tries to make her way in between his sheets but our almost naked Bachelor somehow resists her sweet talk and hair extensions and suggests she goes back to her room.

Corrie is next on tap for a one-on-one and it’s about time, they haven’t even kissed yet and we’re a week away from hometown dates. Time is roses people! Bachelor Jake takes Corrie on a canoe ride where nearby ducks had more chemistry than these two. The he takes her to a science museum where they endure more awkward silences and wildlife. It’s during dinner that we discover Corrie’s big secret. Now in reality television it’s almost rule that every “The Real World” has a gay roommate and every season of “The Bachelor” has virgin. So for those of you playing along at home, you guessed it, Corrie still has her V-card. Bachelor Jake took the news like a champ and the pair finally shared their first kiss and then he retired for an evening of cold showers.

The next day Frisco Ali finally gets to take Bachelor Jake on her own tour of San Francisco. They first visit her neighborhood where they share a puke-inducing moment picking out flowers at a flower stand. Ali tells us she’s walked by that same flower numerous times wishing someone Bachelor Jake-like would buy her a flower. Something tells me if this doesn’t work out, that flower stand’s going up in flames. (Oh the memories!) Over brunch, Bachelor Jake asks Ali about the possibility of visiting her family on the upcoming hometown dates. Ali basically tells Bachelor Jake how weird, dysfunctional and un-picture perfect her family is. Way to win him over and write yourself out of any family wills.

Ali’s best date ever in San Francisco continues as she takes Bachelor Jake along her jogging route where the two pop open a bottle of champagne and talk about her hatred for Vienna. Ever the diplomat, Bachelor Jake never waivers on his feelings for the human hair extension and that leaves Ali utterly confused. But not too confused as moments later she and Bachelor Jake run and jump into the ocean fully clothed.

Later that evening is the rose ceremony and all the girls are on edge. Vienna’s a nervous wreck as she re-thinks her attempted sack session at the castle. But Bachelor Jake calms her nerves by taking her to see the view from his hotel room. Tenley almost cries telling him how hard it is to see him falling for other girls and randomly asks him to slow dance. And Corrie starts to regret telling him about her sexual inexperience. Even I was starting to get nervous and all I had to worry about was not burning my frozen pizza in the oven.

During Bachelor Jake’s pre-rose ceremony chit-chat with Chris Harrison we learn that he’s truly fallen for all five remaining girls and that letting one go won’t be easy. Tenley is first name called to accept a rose that evening, and I was pretty relieved. (She was my pick from week one!) Then he calls Ali, Gia and dun dun dun…VIENNA! So, sweet little virginal Corrie is sent back to Kissimee, Florida while Hair Extenions McGee lives to accept another rose. Alls fair in love and barf.