How calmly did things start out Monday night? Ali was in her hotel room in Istanbul, drying her hair, putting on make-up, checking her Facebook when she gets an unexpected knock at her door. On “The Bachelor” unexpected knocks are never good. In the past the unexpected knock has brought news of contestants leaving to return to their jobs or past contestants returning desperately for another chance. Unexpected knocks are never pizza delivery boys, Publisher’s Clearinghouse, or the next door neighbor wanting to borrow a cup of sugar. And this season’s unexpected knock was no exception.
Ali opens the door to find Chris Harrison. Pleasantly surprised by what seems to be a drop-in, Ali and Poppa Harrison embrace and exchange pleasantries. We knew he wasn’t there just for a pre-date pep-talk when he suggests they have a seat on the couch. No good conversation begins by someone suggesting you have a seat on the couch. Chris Harrison opens by telling Ali that it’s been brought to the producer’s attention that a contestant on the show has not been truthful. Cut to Ali’s look of shock and horror. Chris goes on to say that he’s personally checked into the story and it’s indeed true. Cut to Ali’s look of shock and horror. Chris then tells Ali that one of the guys has a girlfriend and has been secretly contacting her throughout the entire taping. Cut to Ali’s look of shock and horror. And then he tells her the two-timing man-floozy is none other than R-Rated. Cut to Ali’s look of semi-relief upon hearing its no one good like Sexy Roberto or Cape Cod Chris. After venting about her disappointment, Poppa Harrison informs Ali that he has the phone number for R-Rated’s girlfriend back home in Canada, Jessica. So, the two huddle around what looks to be a rotary dial telephone waiting for Jessica to answer the phone. A good 12 rings later, Jessica and her glorious Canadian accent pick up. Ali cuts to the chase and asks Jessica if R-Rated is her boyfriend. Jessica tells us that she and R-Rated have been shaking their maple leafs together for the past two years. He told Jessica that he only wanted to do the show to further is entertainment wrestling career and just wanted to make it to the top three. For some reason Jessica supported his scheme and even helped him buy suits to wear on the show. A tearful Jessica goes on to say that R-Rated has been calling and texting her, letting her know that when he’s back home the two will get married. Ali has heard all she needs to hear and thanks Jessica for the inside information. She hangs up the phone and tells Chris Harrison she wants to confront R-Rated on his shady shenanigans.
Ali bursts into the guy’s suite and takes a seat almost directly in front of R-Rated. She begins by addressing the group as a whole, saying she knows it’s been a stressful and difficult journey. And then the “oh no she didn’t moment.” She glares R-Rated in the eye and says, “This must be especially hard for you Justin since you have a girlfriend at home. In Canada.” Knowing he’s aboot to get the boot, Justin and his bum leg race out the door, down the stairs, through some shrubbery, and into a parking lot. Ali chases after him and but waits for him to compose himself. He saunters back to where she’s sitting but never gives her more than a shaky apology. After he offers her his wadded up rose back, she tells him he’s free to go and as they show him limping away onto the streets of Istanbul they play some saved voicemails he left on Jessica’s cell phone. Suave.
After that fiasco Ali has a one-on-one date with Tennessee Ty, who does not have a side piece waiting on him in Canada. Ali and Ty go to a Turkish bathhouse where they wrap up in plaid towels and massage each other. The two talk and laugh and kiss until dinner time. During their romantic dinner Ali probes more into the demise of Ty’s first marriage. Ty tells us that he grew up with a stay-at-home mother and father that worked outside the house to bring home the bacon. Apparently things didn’t settle so well with Ty when his first wife still wanted to focus on her career despite becoming Mrs. Tennessee Ty. He tells Ali that he’s changed and matured since his divorce and now knows that “they can become lawyers, and CEOs and doctors.” “They?” I do hope he realizes he’s on a date with of “them.” Somehow Tennessee Ty gets the date rose. I was really hoping Ali was going to press him on is progressive views on feminism. He really should write a book.
Next up was a group date that had the guys olive oil wrestling. I didn’t really care who was on this date as long a Sexy Roberto and his magnificent abs were on display. Each bachelor was paired with a professional Turkish olive oil wrestler and the winners would then wrestle each other. I don’t remember who did all that well because I kept wanting to dip pieces of warm bread into Roberto’s muscle crevices. I’ve had a hankering for Olive Garden ever since. Surprisingly, Lawyer Craig was the event’s champion and he won a one-on-one date with Ali. She took him on a dinner cruise and then to a lookout point where they watched a firework show. The date looked enjoyable enough, but it seems the only sparks flying were the ones in the sky.
The next day Ali takes Frank on another one-on-one. They spend the afternoon shopping at an open market and play dress up in a costume shop. Ali surprises Frank by trying on a noisy, purple belly-dancer number. I wanted to slip into something like that to surprise my boyfriend on his birthday, but that store closes at 5:30 and I don’t get off work til 6. After their Turkish shopping-spree they have dinner on what looks to be a table floating on water. Ali tells Frank that their relationship scares her because she can’t control who she loves and if he’ll love her back. He must’ve convinced her that they’re on the same page because he was awarded the evening’s date rose.
Ali decides to opt out of the next night’s cocktail party. She tells Chris Harrison that her mind is made up and she doesn’t want to put the guys through a party if she already knows who she’s sending home. Despite his efforts in olive oil wrestling, Lawyer Craig did not make this week’s cut. Remaining we have Frank, Sexy Roberto, Cape Cod Chris, Kirk and Tennessee Ty. With five guys left that means one more round tillHome Town Dates!
Next week we learn of yet another secret one of Ali’s suitors has been keeping when she takes the brood to Portugal.
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