How calmly did things start out Monday night? Ali was in her hotel room in Istanbul, drying her hair, putting on make-up, checking her Facebook when she gets an unexpected knock at her door. On “The Bachelor” unexpected knocks are never good. In the past the unexpected knock has brought news of contestants leaving to return to their jobs or past contestants returning desperately for another chance. Unexpected knocks are never pizza delivery boys, Publisher’s Clearinghouse, or the next door neighbor wanting to borrow a cup of sugar. And this season’s unexpected knock was no exception.
Ali opens the door to find Chris Harrison. Pleasantly surprised by what seems to be a drop-in, Ali and Poppa Harrison embrace and exchange pleasantries. We knew he wasn’t there just for a pre-date pep-talk when he suggests they have a seat on the couch. No good conversation begins by someone suggesting you have a seat on the couch. Chris Harrison opens by telling Ali that it’s been brought to the producer’s attention that a contestant on the show has not been truthful. Cut to Ali’s look of shock and horror. Chris goes on to say that he’s personally checked into the story and it’s indeed true. Cut to Ali’s look of shock and horror. Chris then tells Ali that one of the guys has a girlfriend and has been secretly contacting her throughout the entire taping. Cut to Ali’s look of shock and horror. And then he tells her the two-timing man-floozy is none other than R-Rated. Cut to Ali’s look of semi-relief upon hearing its no one good like Sexy Roberto or Cape Cod Chris. After venting about her disappointment, Poppa Harrison informs Ali that he has the phone number for R-Rated’s girlfriend back home in Canada, Jessica. So, the two huddle around what looks to be a rotary dial telephone waiting for Jessica to answer the phone. A good 12 rings later, Jessica and her glorious Canadian accent pick up. Ali cuts to the chase and asks Jessica if R-Rated is her boyfriend. Jessica tells us that she and R-Rated have been shaking their maple leafs together for the past two years. He told Jessica that he only wanted to do the show to further is entertainment wrestling career and just wanted to make it to the top three. For some reason Jessica supported his scheme and even helped him buy suits to wear on the show. A tearful Jessica goes on to say that R-Rated has been calling and texting her, letting her know that when he’s back home the two will get married. Ali has heard all she needs to hear and thanks Jessica for the inside information. She hangs up the phone and tells Chris Harrison she wants to confront R-Rated on his shady shenanigans.
Ali bursts into the guy’s suite and takes a seat almost directly in front of R-Rated. She begins by addressing the group as a whole, saying she knows it’s been a stressful and difficult journey. And then the “oh no she didn’t moment.” She glares R-Rated in the eye and says, “This must be especially hard for you Justin since you have a girlfriend at home. In Canada.” Knowing he’s aboot to get the boot, Justin and his bum leg race out the door, down the stairs, through some shrubbery, and into a parking lot. Ali chases after him and but waits for him to compose himself. He saunters back to where she’s sitting but never gives her more than a shaky apology. After he offers her his wadded up rose back, she tells him he’s free to go and as they show him limping away onto the streets of Istanbul they play some saved voicemails he left on Jessica’s cell phone. Suave.
After that fiasco Ali has a one-on-one date with Tennessee Ty, who does not have a side piece waiting on him in Canada. Ali and Ty go to a Turkish bathhouse where they wrap up in plaid towels and massage each other. The two talk and laugh and kiss until dinner time. During their romantic dinner Ali probes more into the demise of Ty’s first marriage. Ty tells us that he grew up with a stay-at-home mother and father that worked outside the house to bring home the bacon. Apparently things didn’t settle so well with Ty when his first wife still wanted to focus on her career despite becoming Mrs. Tennessee Ty. He tells Ali that he’s changed and matured since his divorce and now knows that “they can become lawyers, and CEOs and doctors.” “They?” I do hope he realizes he’s on a date with of “them.” Somehow Tennessee Ty gets the date rose. I was really hoping Ali was going to press him on is progressive views on feminism. He really should write a book.
Next up was a group date that had the guys olive oil wrestling. I didn’t really care who was on this date as long a Sexy Roberto and his magnificent abs were on display. Each bachelor was paired with a professional Turkish olive oil wrestler and the winners would then wrestle each other. I don’t remember who did all that well because I kept wanting to dip pieces of warm bread into Roberto’s muscle crevices. I’ve had a hankering for Olive Garden ever since. Surprisingly, Lawyer Craig was the event’s champion and he won a one-on-one date with Ali. She took him on a dinner cruise and then to a lookout point where they watched a firework show. The date looked enjoyable enough, but it seems the only sparks flying were the ones in the sky.
The next day Ali takes Frank on another one-on-one. They spend the afternoon shopping at an open market and play dress up in a costume shop. Ali surprises Frank by trying on a noisy, purple belly-dancer number. I wanted to slip into something like that to surprise my boyfriend on his birthday, but that store closes at 5:30 and I don’t get off work til 6. After their Turkish shopping-spree they have dinner on what looks to be a table floating on water. Ali tells Frank that their relationship scares her because she can’t control who she loves and if he’ll love her back. He must’ve convinced her that they’re on the same page because he was awarded the evening’s date rose.
Ali decides to opt out of the next night’s cocktail party. She tells Chris Harrison that her mind is made up and she doesn’t want to put the guys through a party if she already knows who she’s sending home. Despite his efforts in olive oil wrestling, Lawyer Craig did not make this week’s cut. Remaining we have Frank, Sexy Roberto, Cape Cod Chris, Kirk and Tennessee Ty. With five guys left that means one more round tillHome Town Dates!
Next week we learn of yet another secret one of Ali’s suitors has been keeping when she takes the brood to Portugal.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Week 5 "I enjoy Mexican food"
Well, now we know what caused the Icelandic volcano to erupt earlier this year; the Bachelorette visited Iceland. Mother Nature is actually revolting against reality TV dating shows. Thousands of stranded international travelers, you now have Ali to thank.
The week in Iceland began with a one-on-one date with Scrapbook Kirk. Ali took Kirk on a shopping tour around Reykjavik where they bought matching sweaters, toboggans, and pair of conjoined mittens. I bet Kirk was hoping to stumble across a scrapbook store so he could get to work on his Iceland page ASAP. After the shopping spree, the sweatered sweethearts sat down for some coffee talk. Kirk opened up to Ali about his dating history and we learn that he’s never been in a relationship that’s lasted longer than a year. Ali finds this fact a little worrisome and wonders if he’s ready to be in something as long-term as “til death do you part.” Kirk also tells Ali about some medical issues he dealt with while in college. Apparently co-ed Kirk lived in a condemned shantytown where the walls were made completely of black mold and asbestos and he had to shower with sewer water. University housing has really improved! Ali’s expression during this conversation conveyed one of panic as she must’ve been wondering about the condition of his current living situation. Comforted by the fact that being the Bachelorette will earn her a hefty sum off appearances and interviews and she’ll be able to afford a sanitary living space, Ali awarded Kirk the date rose and then offered him a squirt of Purell.
The next day Ali organized a group date where she took the guys horseback riding through the snow. As the date’s resident cowboy, this was Tennessee Ty’s time to shine. From adjusting saddles to hoisting people onto their horses, Ty was like effin’ John Wayne blazing the Icelandic tundras. After an afternoon of horse play, the group settled in for a night of hot tubbing. Ty was the first to be pulled away for some alone time with Ali. Ty confesses that he’s starting to have strong feelings for Ali and as she compliments his horseback riding skills, he leans in for a hot and steamy kiss. Ride a cowboy indeed! Ali also gets alone time with Frank, Sexy Roberto, and Cape Cod Chris. And by alone time, I mean make-out sessions.
Meanwhile, back at the Boy Scout meeting, a date card arrives for R-Rated and Kreepy Kasey. Both gentlemen have been invited to join Ali for the season’s first two-on-one date. Let the scheming commence! R-Rated’s first mission was to get his cast off before the date. Note to self, if I should ever need an emergency cast removal, get thee to Iceland. That Icelandic doctor didn’t ask a single question or even gather R-Rated’s medical history. He just fired up that chainsaw-like instrument and started cutting. Once his massive entertainment wresting leg was free, R-Rated dumped his crutches in the trashcan and went back to the hotel to slick back his hair before the evening’s date. Kasey’s tactic for the date remained unchanged; continue to be your creepy self and show Ali the rose tattoo. Ali picks her dates up in a helicopter where they fly over Eyjafjallajökull, the lava-spewing volcano. From there, they land on a giant glacier where they dine on strawberries and champagne and sit on ice sculptures. During her alone time with Kasey, she asks him if he thought about what she said on their last date about the genuineness of his gestures. And with that Kreeps pulls up his shirtsleeve and shows Ali the tattoo. Stunned and silently already deciding to send him packing, Ali tells Kasey she is glad he found this apparent tattoo-worthy experience so profound. Ultimately and unshockingly, she gives R-Rated the date rose and leaves Kasey alone on the glacier with his rose tattoo. Because Kasey was such an integral and interesting aspect to the show, especially his songs, here is a little ditty I’d like to dedicate to Kreeps.
(Sung in the key of ‘off.’)
You just wanted to guard and protect her heart from all the other dudes
But you kept singing creepy songs and then got a rose tattoo.
Now she’s left you on a glacier in the middle Iceland
As she flies away in a helicopter into the arms of another man.
The next night is the rose ceremony and we finally get some alone time with the strangely elusive Chris N. Last post I predicted that this would be the week Chris N. would come out of his shell and sweep Ali off her feet. Would you mind passing the salt and pepper, I must eat my words. Trying to find his personality pulse, Ali asks Chris what is guiltiest pleasure would be. After moments of silence, Chris responds by saying, “Mexican food.” Needless to say this burrito-loving bachelor did not receive a rose. During his ride on the reject limo, Chris tells us he’s “at a loss for words.” Never a truer statement has been uttered in the history of “The Bachelor” franchise.
Next week we will learn with of the remaining suitors has a girlfriend and who Ali is dramatically chasing down that winding staircase.
The week in Iceland began with a one-on-one date with Scrapbook Kirk. Ali took Kirk on a shopping tour around Reykjavik where they bought matching sweaters, toboggans, and pair of conjoined mittens. I bet Kirk was hoping to stumble across a scrapbook store so he could get to work on his Iceland page ASAP. After the shopping spree, the sweatered sweethearts sat down for some coffee talk. Kirk opened up to Ali about his dating history and we learn that he’s never been in a relationship that’s lasted longer than a year. Ali finds this fact a little worrisome and wonders if he’s ready to be in something as long-term as “til death do you part.” Kirk also tells Ali about some medical issues he dealt with while in college. Apparently co-ed Kirk lived in a condemned shantytown where the walls were made completely of black mold and asbestos and he had to shower with sewer water. University housing has really improved! Ali’s expression during this conversation conveyed one of panic as she must’ve been wondering about the condition of his current living situation. Comforted by the fact that being the Bachelorette will earn her a hefty sum off appearances and interviews and she’ll be able to afford a sanitary living space, Ali awarded Kirk the date rose and then offered him a squirt of Purell.
The next day Ali organized a group date where she took the guys horseback riding through the snow. As the date’s resident cowboy, this was Tennessee Ty’s time to shine. From adjusting saddles to hoisting people onto their horses, Ty was like effin’ John Wayne blazing the Icelandic tundras. After an afternoon of horse play, the group settled in for a night of hot tubbing. Ty was the first to be pulled away for some alone time with Ali. Ty confesses that he’s starting to have strong feelings for Ali and as she compliments his horseback riding skills, he leans in for a hot and steamy kiss. Ride a cowboy indeed! Ali also gets alone time with Frank, Sexy Roberto, and Cape Cod Chris. And by alone time, I mean make-out sessions.
Meanwhile, back at the Boy Scout meeting, a date card arrives for R-Rated and Kreepy Kasey. Both gentlemen have been invited to join Ali for the season’s first two-on-one date. Let the scheming commence! R-Rated’s first mission was to get his cast off before the date. Note to self, if I should ever need an emergency cast removal, get thee to Iceland. That Icelandic doctor didn’t ask a single question or even gather R-Rated’s medical history. He just fired up that chainsaw-like instrument and started cutting. Once his massive entertainment wresting leg was free, R-Rated dumped his crutches in the trashcan and went back to the hotel to slick back his hair before the evening’s date. Kasey’s tactic for the date remained unchanged; continue to be your creepy self and show Ali the rose tattoo. Ali picks her dates up in a helicopter where they fly over Eyjafjallajökull, the lava-spewing volcano. From there, they land on a giant glacier where they dine on strawberries and champagne and sit on ice sculptures. During her alone time with Kasey, she asks him if he thought about what she said on their last date about the genuineness of his gestures. And with that Kreeps pulls up his shirtsleeve and shows Ali the tattoo. Stunned and silently already deciding to send him packing, Ali tells Kasey she is glad he found this apparent tattoo-worthy experience so profound. Ultimately and unshockingly, she gives R-Rated the date rose and leaves Kasey alone on the glacier with his rose tattoo. Because Kasey was such an integral and interesting aspect to the show, especially his songs, here is a little ditty I’d like to dedicate to Kreeps.
(Sung in the key of ‘off.’)
You just wanted to guard and protect her heart from all the other dudes
But you kept singing creepy songs and then got a rose tattoo.
Now she’s left you on a glacier in the middle Iceland
As she flies away in a helicopter into the arms of another man.
The next night is the rose ceremony and we finally get some alone time with the strangely elusive Chris N. Last post I predicted that this would be the week Chris N. would come out of his shell and sweep Ali off her feet. Would you mind passing the salt and pepper, I must eat my words. Trying to find his personality pulse, Ali asks Chris what is guiltiest pleasure would be. After moments of silence, Chris responds by saying, “Mexican food.” Needless to say this burrito-loving bachelor did not receive a rose. During his ride on the reject limo, Chris tells us he’s “at a loss for words.” Never a truer statement has been uttered in the history of “The Bachelor” franchise.
Next week we will learn with of the remaining suitors has a girlfriend and who Ali is dramatically chasing down that winding staircase.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Week 4: "To guard and protect your heart"
This week the bachelorette and her brood of dudes left the sunny shores of California to take a bite out of the Big Apple. But biting wasn’t the only thing going on in the city that never sleeps. There was also lots kissing, cuddling, dancing, and tattooing. Naturally.
First up on the NYC itinerary is a one-on-one date with Kreepy Kasey. This is Kreep’s first visit to New York so Ali wants to make sure he sees one of the city’s most famous attractions, the Natural History Museum. Personally, I think she should’ve taken him to Rikers Island because I’m pretty sure he has a body parts nailed to his floorboards. But I’ve never been on a date in New York, so I guess the Natural History Museum is a better choice. The museum is open just for Ali and Kasey and the pair runs around like school children on a second grade field trip pretending the dinosaur bones are going to come to life and the stuffed monkeys are going to eat them. Like I said, I’ve never dated in New York City, so maybe that’s a hip thing to do on dates; run around like children and scream like monkeys. That certainly explains why Carrie Bradshaw was single for so long. Those crazy “Sex and the City” broads wasted too much time going to trendy clubs! A one-on-one date wouldn’t be complete without a pile of pillows to lounge on and glasses of champagne to sip. So, as Ali and Kreepy Kasey cozy in for some chit-chat, Kreeps starts to serenade his date with an original song. Kasey doesn’t exactly have the talking voice of an angel so his singing made nails on a chalkboard seem positively melodic. I kept waiting for “American Idol’s” Randy Jackson to jump out from behind the scenes and yell, “You’re a little pitchy, dawg.” As if the singing didn’t win Ali’s heart, Kreeps decides to profess his love for her after a mere four weeks. Afraid that Kasey isn’t being 100% sincere, Ali is hesitant about giving him the date rose but isn’t quite ready to send him back to the loony-bin. So, Kasey gets a stay of execution and chance to prove his genuineness.
The next night Ali takes the boys to Broadway for a chance to perform on the Great White Way. The guys competed against one another for a spot in “The Lion King.” I must say, Man Cub Jesse has a set of pipes on him! Who knew people from Montana sang so well! But Sexy Roberto had the wherewithal to actually sing to Ali, so he was chosen to make his Broadway debut alongside our Bachelorette. The debut, which involved leotards and wire cables, occurred during the musical’s final number. The two were suspended in the air and turned tricks as they hovered above the audience. Again, I’ve never dated in New York…
The next day was Cape Cod Chris’ birthday which automatically earned him a one-on-one date. Well-played, birthday boy! Unfortunately, Ali wasn’t feeling well and decided they would just hang out in her suite instead of going on the date she had planned in the city. Like the sweetheart that Cape Cod is proving to be, he brings our beleaguered bachelorette some chicken noodle soup and a bouquet of flowers. After a few hours of lounging in Ali’s deathbed, she decides to rally for his birthday and the two hit the town for dinner. She surprises the birthday boy with a lobster feast and a phone call home to the Cape so he can talk to his father. After dinner, Ali and Chris head up to the roof for a private performance by a guy I had never head of and while they slow danced in the moonlight, she offered him the date rose and a goodnight kiss.
Meanwhile, over on Brokeback Mountain, Kreepy Kasey has been MIA. Was he off taking voice lessons? On a killing spree? Shopping at H&M? If you guessed getting a rose tattoo on his wrist, you are correct! Kreeps returned with a bandage on his wrist and tall-tale about getting a second degree burn. R-Rated’s mom obviously didn’t raise no fool, because he questioned the story the minute Kasey walked in the door. At that night’s cocktail party Kreeps decided to come clean with his whereabouts and shows the other guys his new tat – a rose protected by a shield. Ed Hardy eat your bedazzled heart out. Lawyer Craig earned the quote of the night when he told Kreeps, “You’re going to be remembered as the guy from the Bachelorette that got a tattoo.” Hey, we all need to make a name for ourselves…
Tensions were high during the evening’s rose ceremony. The Weatherman was especially worried about his fate as he didn’t get much time alone with Ali this week. Frank was also fretting about getting rose as he feared their initial connection was starting to wane. Sexy and Cape Cod were both safe as they had received date roses. Scrapbook Kirk, Tennessee Ty, Lawyer Craig, R-Rated, Frank, and Chris N. all made it safely to next week. And so we say a tearful good bye to Man Cub Jesse and The Weatherman. Now, we have yet to hear a peep from this Chris N. character. He’s so mysterious! I wonder what the N stands for? I don’t even have a nickname for him. Were all his scenes left on the cutting room floor? Is he the dark horse of the season? I have a feeling that he may be soon become a forerunner and ABC has been playing mind tricks, distracting us with crutches, and tattoos and weathermen. Chis N. is obviously where it’s at.
First up on the NYC itinerary is a one-on-one date with Kreepy Kasey. This is Kreep’s first visit to New York so Ali wants to make sure he sees one of the city’s most famous attractions, the Natural History Museum. Personally, I think she should’ve taken him to Rikers Island because I’m pretty sure he has a body parts nailed to his floorboards. But I’ve never been on a date in New York, so I guess the Natural History Museum is a better choice. The museum is open just for Ali and Kasey and the pair runs around like school children on a second grade field trip pretending the dinosaur bones are going to come to life and the stuffed monkeys are going to eat them. Like I said, I’ve never dated in New York City, so maybe that’s a hip thing to do on dates; run around like children and scream like monkeys. That certainly explains why Carrie Bradshaw was single for so long. Those crazy “Sex and the City” broads wasted too much time going to trendy clubs! A one-on-one date wouldn’t be complete without a pile of pillows to lounge on and glasses of champagne to sip. So, as Ali and Kreepy Kasey cozy in for some chit-chat, Kreeps starts to serenade his date with an original song. Kasey doesn’t exactly have the talking voice of an angel so his singing made nails on a chalkboard seem positively melodic. I kept waiting for “American Idol’s” Randy Jackson to jump out from behind the scenes and yell, “You’re a little pitchy, dawg.” As if the singing didn’t win Ali’s heart, Kreeps decides to profess his love for her after a mere four weeks. Afraid that Kasey isn’t being 100% sincere, Ali is hesitant about giving him the date rose but isn’t quite ready to send him back to the loony-bin. So, Kasey gets a stay of execution and chance to prove his genuineness.
The next night Ali takes the boys to Broadway for a chance to perform on the Great White Way. The guys competed against one another for a spot in “The Lion King.” I must say, Man Cub Jesse has a set of pipes on him! Who knew people from Montana sang so well! But Sexy Roberto had the wherewithal to actually sing to Ali, so he was chosen to make his Broadway debut alongside our Bachelorette. The debut, which involved leotards and wire cables, occurred during the musical’s final number. The two were suspended in the air and turned tricks as they hovered above the audience. Again, I’ve never dated in New York…
The next day was Cape Cod Chris’ birthday which automatically earned him a one-on-one date. Well-played, birthday boy! Unfortunately, Ali wasn’t feeling well and decided they would just hang out in her suite instead of going on the date she had planned in the city. Like the sweetheart that Cape Cod is proving to be, he brings our beleaguered bachelorette some chicken noodle soup and a bouquet of flowers. After a few hours of lounging in Ali’s deathbed, she decides to rally for his birthday and the two hit the town for dinner. She surprises the birthday boy with a lobster feast and a phone call home to the Cape so he can talk to his father. After dinner, Ali and Chris head up to the roof for a private performance by a guy I had never head of and while they slow danced in the moonlight, she offered him the date rose and a goodnight kiss.
Meanwhile, over on Brokeback Mountain, Kreepy Kasey has been MIA. Was he off taking voice lessons? On a killing spree? Shopping at H&M? If you guessed getting a rose tattoo on his wrist, you are correct! Kreeps returned with a bandage on his wrist and tall-tale about getting a second degree burn. R-Rated’s mom obviously didn’t raise no fool, because he questioned the story the minute Kasey walked in the door. At that night’s cocktail party Kreeps decided to come clean with his whereabouts and shows the other guys his new tat – a rose protected by a shield. Ed Hardy eat your bedazzled heart out. Lawyer Craig earned the quote of the night when he told Kreeps, “You’re going to be remembered as the guy from the Bachelorette that got a tattoo.” Hey, we all need to make a name for ourselves…
Tensions were high during the evening’s rose ceremony. The Weatherman was especially worried about his fate as he didn’t get much time alone with Ali this week. Frank was also fretting about getting rose as he feared their initial connection was starting to wane. Sexy and Cape Cod were both safe as they had received date roses. Scrapbook Kirk, Tennessee Ty, Lawyer Craig, R-Rated, Frank, and Chris N. all made it safely to next week. And so we say a tearful good bye to Man Cub Jesse and The Weatherman. Now, we have yet to hear a peep from this Chris N. character. He’s so mysterious! I wonder what the N stands for? I don’t even have a nickname for him. Were all his scenes left on the cutting room floor? Is he the dark horse of the season? I have a feeling that he may be soon become a forerunner and ABC has been playing mind tricks, distracting us with crutches, and tattoos and weathermen. Chis N. is obviously where it’s at.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Week 3- "Not many guys make me feel nervous"
It was a week of firsts on last night’s episode of “The Bachelorette.” The Weatherman gets his first kiss, Ali sends her first suitor home after a one-on-one, and Man Cub Jesse is the first to wear a denim shirt to a rose ceremony. This episode should be dipped in bronze and sent to the National Archives Museum.
Ali gets things started with a one-on-one date with Sexy Roberto. Roll them r’s! A helicopter swoops down and lifts Ali and Roberto up into the skies for a scenic flight over Los Angeles. But a cuddle-copter ride isn’t the sole purpose of their date. Ali has something far more adventurous in mind, like tightrope walking followed by a romantic dinner. The pair strap on harnesses, helmets, and matching Chuck Taylors and begin their delicate trek across the skyline. At the halfway mark Sexy Roberto turns toward Ali and steadily goes in for a kiss 20 stories above the LA freeway. They make it safely to the adjacent rooftop where they then enjoy a candlelit dinner and a beautiful California sunset. Needless to say, Sexy Roberto was offered and accepted the date rose. Muy caliente!
The next afternoon Ali takes several of the guys on a group date to be in a music video for Barenaked Ladies’ newest single. The recession has certainly not hurt the group date industry. I remember when “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” group dates were simple trips to the zoo, amusement parks, or just sitting in a hot tub. ABC is shelling out the big bucks this season to bring in 90’s rock bands. Frank’s scene with Ali is first on the agenda and much to his chagrin, Ali is to slap him across the face in their scene, which takes nine takes to perfect. Scrapbook Kirk gets a bedroom scene with Ali and tells her, “I don’t even care if the cameras are rolling.” Hm, sounds like someone may have an interesting hobby. The Weatherman also has an intimate scene with Ali where he must sneak up on her and kiss her. The Weatherman’s a nervous wreck about the kiss and at one point starts to cry, or maybe he’s just rainy. But, Ali calms his nerves when she plants a passionate kiss on him unexpectedly. And The Weatherman cometh!
Next up for Ali is a one-on-one date with Texas Hunter. We haven’t heard much from Hunter so far, so this date is clutch for him to stay in the game. While Hunter’s getting prepped for the evening, R-Rated decides to take matters into his own hands, or shall we say cast, and goes to visit Ali at her mansion a few miles up the road. R-Rated hobbles along the freeway for nearly two hours so he can score some alone time with the bachelorette. Ali seems shocked yet genuinely surprised that R-Rated walked, on crutches, just to visit her. She obviously hasn’t dated enough dudes with broken legs. The two sit on the couch and look at R-Rated’s family pictures and talk about their families. Then it’s time for Ali to head back to frat house and exchange him for Hunter.
Ali and Hunter have a chill first date at her mansion where they grill hamburgers and share awkward silences in the hot tub. Trying hard to find a romantic connection, Ali senses that Hunter just isn’t the husband of her reality show dreams and decides she must send him back to Texas.
The next night at the cocktail party while canoodling with Roberto, Ali lets it slip that R-Rated surprised her with a house call. Once Ali is swept away by another suitor, Roberto tells some of the other guys about R-Rated’s roadtrip and that has everyone convinced he’s here for the wrong reasons. But Ali must think otherwise and R-Rated is given the final rose of the episode. And so we say goodbye to Steve and John C. Yeah, I didn’t know who they are either.
Tune in next week when Kreepy Kasey gets creepier and The Weatherman gets his debut on Broadway.
Ali gets things started with a one-on-one date with Sexy Roberto. Roll them r’s! A helicopter swoops down and lifts Ali and Roberto up into the skies for a scenic flight over Los Angeles. But a cuddle-copter ride isn’t the sole purpose of their date. Ali has something far more adventurous in mind, like tightrope walking followed by a romantic dinner. The pair strap on harnesses, helmets, and matching Chuck Taylors and begin their delicate trek across the skyline. At the halfway mark Sexy Roberto turns toward Ali and steadily goes in for a kiss 20 stories above the LA freeway. They make it safely to the adjacent rooftop where they then enjoy a candlelit dinner and a beautiful California sunset. Needless to say, Sexy Roberto was offered and accepted the date rose. Muy caliente!
The next afternoon Ali takes several of the guys on a group date to be in a music video for Barenaked Ladies’ newest single. The recession has certainly not hurt the group date industry. I remember when “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” group dates were simple trips to the zoo, amusement parks, or just sitting in a hot tub. ABC is shelling out the big bucks this season to bring in 90’s rock bands. Frank’s scene with Ali is first on the agenda and much to his chagrin, Ali is to slap him across the face in their scene, which takes nine takes to perfect. Scrapbook Kirk gets a bedroom scene with Ali and tells her, “I don’t even care if the cameras are rolling.” Hm, sounds like someone may have an interesting hobby. The Weatherman also has an intimate scene with Ali where he must sneak up on her and kiss her. The Weatherman’s a nervous wreck about the kiss and at one point starts to cry, or maybe he’s just rainy. But, Ali calms his nerves when she plants a passionate kiss on him unexpectedly. And The Weatherman cometh!
Next up for Ali is a one-on-one date with Texas Hunter. We haven’t heard much from Hunter so far, so this date is clutch for him to stay in the game. While Hunter’s getting prepped for the evening, R-Rated decides to take matters into his own hands, or shall we say cast, and goes to visit Ali at her mansion a few miles up the road. R-Rated hobbles along the freeway for nearly two hours so he can score some alone time with the bachelorette. Ali seems shocked yet genuinely surprised that R-Rated walked, on crutches, just to visit her. She obviously hasn’t dated enough dudes with broken legs. The two sit on the couch and look at R-Rated’s family pictures and talk about their families. Then it’s time for Ali to head back to frat house and exchange him for Hunter.
Ali and Hunter have a chill first date at her mansion where they grill hamburgers and share awkward silences in the hot tub. Trying hard to find a romantic connection, Ali senses that Hunter just isn’t the husband of her reality show dreams and decides she must send him back to Texas.
The next night at the cocktail party while canoodling with Roberto, Ali lets it slip that R-Rated surprised her with a house call. Once Ali is swept away by another suitor, Roberto tells some of the other guys about R-Rated’s roadtrip and that has everyone convinced he’s here for the wrong reasons. But Ali must think otherwise and R-Rated is given the final rose of the episode. And so we say goodbye to Steve and John C. Yeah, I didn’t know who they are either.
Tune in next week when Kreepy Kasey gets creepier and The Weatherman gets his debut on Broadway.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Week 2- "I'm dating 17 guys!"
Ali is dating 17 guys this week. Sounds like me in college, plus or minus a few. Mainly minus a few. Maybe minus 17. But basically, that was totally me in college so I can definitely relate to having a multitude of beaux clamoring my affections. This was a very sentimental episode for me.
The clamoring contender to get the coveted first one-on-one date with Ali is Aspiring Screenwriter Frank from Illinois. Ali picks Frank up in a vintage powder blue convertible and takes him to Hollywood’s walk of fame. While checking out all the star’s stars, Ali is bombarded by “Bachelore/ette” fans/tourists asking for autographs and pictures. The recession has truly hit everyone. Those are some hard-up tourists settling for Bachelorette Ali’s John Hancock on their Hard Rock Café lunch receipts. Kate Gosselin could’ve at least thrown them a bone and dropped a hairweave or a kid on the sidewalk during her march to the tanning salon.
Meanwhile, at the Sausage Factory, Lawyer Craig from Philadelphia gets into a heated discussion with R-Rated Justin about his true intentions for being on the show. Because he’s an “entertainment wrestler,” Lawyer Craig feels that R-Rated Justin is “here for the wrong reasons.” For the love of Chris Harrison! Every season we hear this exact same argument. Every season someone is accused of “being here for the wrong reasons.” Every season someone is an “aspiring/professional/ama
Back on the date, Ali takes Frank up a dirt trail that leads to the famous Hollywood sign overlooking the city. Cozily situated between the two L’s, Ali asks Frank about his screenwriting career and move to Paris. I’m not totally convinced Frank actually moved to Paris. Maybe this ambiguous “move to Paris” was actually to Paris, Kentucky or Paris, Tennessee and he never bothers to correct anyone that assumes Paris, France. He claims he “lived” in “Paris” for barely a month and never learned to speak French. So, Frank basically went to “Paris” once on vacation and now he folds cargo shorts as the manager of American Eagle in the suburbs and at night he writes out his pent-up teen angst in hopes of becoming the next Howard Hughes. But Ali gives Frank the first kiss of the season, and a rose, on top of that Hollywood hill and gives us reason to believe he could be the leading man of her dreams. Barf. I went there.
The next day Ali takes her brood of boyfriends on a group date to Malibu for a calendar photo shoot on the beach. Again, that sounds just like dates I went on in college. I was so progressive for the early naughts. Like an explosion of Ed Hardy models, the guys bound out of the limo to greet our bachelorette. Some highlights from the photo shoot include Canadian Craig and his great head of hair, Tennessee Ty who played guitar during his modeling sesh, and Jonathan the Weatherman conquering his fear of Speedos. Tennessee Ty cowboys up and is the first to steal Ali away for some alone time. He has a semi-serious conversation with Ali about his previous marriage, but I couldn’t concentrate much for being distracted by that scorpion necklace hanging around his neck. Tennessee Ty needs to follow the words of Coco Chanel and always take off two things before leaving the frat house. But that scorpion could be his good luck charm because he was given the date rose and advances to the next round. Just as Tennessee Ty was hoping to make his move, The Weatherman and his white leather jacket walk in and interrupt. After a bumbling rant of compliments, The Weatherman warns Ali about shit storm Canadian Craig that hopes to make its way south. Ali seems grateful for his prediction and walks with him hand in hand to meet up with her other boyfriends.
Back at the Man Cave, the leftovers receive the next one-on-one date card. This date goes to Jesse from Peculiar, Montana. Jesse is given a pair of cuff-links to wear on the date and as he’s admiring them he discloses that the suit he brought to wear on the show is the first suit he’s ever owned. Aw, 24 year old man cubs are so cute when they buy their first suits! Ali takes Man Cub Jesse on a private jet to the fabulous Las Vegas. The duo takes a dip in Liquid Pool and we get a chance to check out Man Cub’s abdominals and ink. After an afternoon at the pool, Man Cub gets to put that new suit to use and meets up with Ali for a romantic dinner. The two get to know a little more about each other and Ali decides to give Man Cub Jesse the date rose.
At this week’s Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party Cape Cod Chris, Sexy Roberto, and Kreepy Kasey get their first alone time of the episode. All was going well for these patient bachelors until Frank and his aspiring screenwriter lips come over to steal Ali away for a make-out session. Then shit storm Canadian Craig makes landfall for an awkward chit-chat where he finds out that one of the guys called him “dangerous.” I think that’s the first time in history that anyone from Canada has been referred to as “dangerous.” Oh, Canada! But shit storm Canadian Craig moved out pretty quickly as he didn’t receive rose. The Weatherman, however, made it to another week and hopes for clear skies from here on out.
Tune in next week when R-Rated Justin pays Ali an unexpected visit and Sexy Roberto goes tight-rope walking in the name of love.
The clamoring contender to get the coveted first one-on-one date with Ali is Aspiring Screenwriter Frank from Illinois. Ali picks Frank up in a vintage powder blue convertible and takes him to Hollywood’s walk of fame. While checking out all the star’s stars, Ali is bombarded by “Bachelore/ette” fans/tourists asking for autographs and pictures. The recession has truly hit everyone. Those are some hard-up tourists settling for Bachelorette Ali’s John Hancock on their Hard Rock Café lunch receipts. Kate Gosselin could’ve at least thrown them a bone and dropped a hairweave or a kid on the sidewalk during her march to the tanning salon.
Meanwhile, at the Sausage Factory, Lawyer Craig from Philadelphia gets into a heated discussion with R-Rated Justin about his true intentions for being on the show. Because he’s an “entertainment wrestler,” Lawyer Craig feels that R-Rated Justin is “here for the wrong reasons.” For the love of Chris Harrison! Every season we hear this exact same argument. Every season someone is accused of “being here for the wrong reasons.” Every season someone is an “aspiring/professional/ama
Back on the date, Ali takes Frank up a dirt trail that leads to the famous Hollywood sign overlooking the city. Cozily situated between the two L’s, Ali asks Frank about his screenwriting career and move to Paris. I’m not totally convinced Frank actually moved to Paris. Maybe this ambiguous “move to Paris” was actually to Paris, Kentucky or Paris, Tennessee and he never bothers to correct anyone that assumes Paris, France. He claims he “lived” in “Paris” for barely a month and never learned to speak French. So, Frank basically went to “Paris” once on vacation and now he folds cargo shorts as the manager of American Eagle in the suburbs and at night he writes out his pent-up teen angst in hopes of becoming the next Howard Hughes. But Ali gives Frank the first kiss of the season, and a rose, on top of that Hollywood hill and gives us reason to believe he could be the leading man of her dreams. Barf. I went there.
The next day Ali takes her brood of boyfriends on a group date to Malibu for a calendar photo shoot on the beach. Again, that sounds just like dates I went on in college. I was so progressive for the early naughts. Like an explosion of Ed Hardy models, the guys bound out of the limo to greet our bachelorette. Some highlights from the photo shoot include Canadian Craig and his great head of hair, Tennessee Ty who played guitar during his modeling sesh, and Jonathan the Weatherman conquering his fear of Speedos. Tennessee Ty cowboys up and is the first to steal Ali away for some alone time. He has a semi-serious conversation with Ali about his previous marriage, but I couldn’t concentrate much for being distracted by that scorpion necklace hanging around his neck. Tennessee Ty needs to follow the words of Coco Chanel and always take off two things before leaving the frat house. But that scorpion could be his good luck charm because he was given the date rose and advances to the next round. Just as Tennessee Ty was hoping to make his move, The Weatherman and his white leather jacket walk in and interrupt. After a bumbling rant of compliments, The Weatherman warns Ali about shit storm Canadian Craig that hopes to make its way south. Ali seems grateful for his prediction and walks with him hand in hand to meet up with her other boyfriends.
Back at the Man Cave, the leftovers receive the next one-on-one date card. This date goes to Jesse from Peculiar, Montana. Jesse is given a pair of cuff-links to wear on the date and as he’s admiring them he discloses that the suit he brought to wear on the show is the first suit he’s ever owned. Aw, 24 year old man cubs are so cute when they buy their first suits! Ali takes Man Cub Jesse on a private jet to the fabulous Las Vegas. The duo takes a dip in Liquid Pool and we get a chance to check out Man Cub’s abdominals and ink. After an afternoon at the pool, Man Cub gets to put that new suit to use and meets up with Ali for a romantic dinner. The two get to know a little more about each other and Ali decides to give Man Cub Jesse the date rose.
At this week’s Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party Cape Cod Chris, Sexy Roberto, and Kreepy Kasey get their first alone time of the episode. All was going well for these patient bachelors until Frank and his aspiring screenwriter lips come over to steal Ali away for a make-out session. Then shit storm Canadian Craig makes landfall for an awkward chit-chat where he finds out that one of the guys called him “dangerous.” I think that’s the first time in history that anyone from Canada has been referred to as “dangerous.” Oh, Canada! But shit storm Canadian Craig moved out pretty quickly as he didn’t receive rose. The Weatherman, however, made it to another week and hopes for clear skies from here on out.
Tune in next week when R-Rated Justin pays Ali an unexpected visit and Sexy Roberto goes tight-rope walking in the name of love.
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