That had to be the most awkward Bachelor episode ever. Between the flash mob date, Zorro's de-masking, all the drama with Bentley, this episode made the entire "Jon & Kate Plus 8" series look....well, slightly less awkward.
The night started off with a one-on-one date card for Ben C., a lawyer from New Orleans. Last week during the rose ceremony, 'Nawlins Ben told Ashley that he loves to dance if there is ever another date that involves dancing, then he's her guy. Well Ben, I hope your jazz hands and self esteem were for ready this date. Ashley picks him up and takes him to a dance studio where she teaches him a hip-hop dance. After the dance lesson the two lounge around on a blanket at a park where mid-conversation Ashley suggests they perform the dance they just learned. Feeling embaressed and hopefully thinking this is the most ridiculous idea ever, Ben C. remembers a rose is on the line and hops up and starts to dance. To his surprise music starts playing and a flash mob breaks out and joins them. After the dance mob, Ben and Ashley have a romantic dinner where the hopeless romantic Ben tells Ashley she's totally the kind of girl he wants to spend the rest of life with. You know how the saying goes, those that flash mob together, stay together. I'm pretty sure that's an old Chinese proverb. Ashley offers 'Nawlins Ben the date rose and a kiss that probably has him thinking about china patterns.
The next day Ashley has a group date. Because it's early on and there are lots of guys left, I can't keep straight who all went on the group date. They all just look like a mix of Abercrombie models and Josh Groban look-a-likes. But before the group date began, Zorro pulled Ashley aside so he could reveal his face. He takes her outside and tells her, "Wearing this mask has been a life-changing experience," and with that pulls the mask off to reaveal an average looking guy whose gone a little grey in the beard. I'm betting somewhere deep down, Ashley was hoping it was actually Brad Womack behind that mask... And what was Ashley's response to Zorro's face? "He's a lot older than I thought...but cute." Fellas, lesson learned; save the masks for halloween.
The night's group date also has to be the most awkward group date ever. Ashley takes the guys to The Comedy Store where comedian Jeffery Ross helps them host a roast honoring the Bachelorette. I don't know if it's the crying, the obvious insecurities, or her bad bangs, but something tells me that Ashley isn't the best candidate for a roast. And as it turns out, she all but run ran off stage in tears. A few of the guys played it safe by just roasting each other. But William, who moonlights as a stand-up comic, took the roast seriously...as he should! He starts his act by saying how dissapointing it was to step out of the limo to find that Emily wasn't the Bachelorette. I LOL'd... Ashley, on the other hand, didn't find his bit funny and felt really hurt by his jokes. After the roast Ashley hides in the corner and cries. While Ashley is crying, I'd like to take a moment and propose a roast of my own;
What do the battries in my remote control and Ashley's bra size have in common? They are both triple A's!
Hey Ashley, you know why they call it a Wonder Bra? Because you wonder what you're gonna put in it!
Zorro, you can take your mask off now. Oh? You did? You mean that's your face...
Ashley, do you realize you've given roses to two Josh Groban look-a-likes? Just making sure...
Thank you, I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your waitress...
Bentley waltzes over to a crying Ashley to, as he tells us, "mess with her head." Ashley whines that the one thing she was most afraid of about doing the show was people being dissapointed that she wasn't Emily. Bentley calms her fears by saying, "24 out of 25 of the guys here wanted it to to be you." Hm, wonder who the odd a$$hole out could be...
After she's dried her eyes, Ashley meets up with the rest of guys and pulls William aside, hoping for an apology. William does apologize for his jokes and even offers to pack his bags ad go home becasue she didn'r deserve to be treated that way even though IT WAS A ROAST! Then he suggests they she spend time with the other guys because there is nothing he can say to make things better. Ashley saunters over to Ryan P. where he tells her, "I'm happy it's you that's here" and gives her kiss thus clinching the date rose.
The next day Ashley gets a knock at her door. As we all know, a knock on The Bachelorette can mean one of three things:
1. An a$$hole is coming to say that he's leaving the show because he misses his daughter, when he's really just an a$$hole who isn't attracted you
2. Chris Harrison is stopping by with the chocolate and wine coolers that were requested
3. Emily dropping in to say, "Yeah, it should have been me."
If you guessed number one, you're correct! Bentley tells us, "All I wanna do is be on the first plane home." So, he packs his bags, tells the guys he should be home with little girls, and heads to break the news to Ashley. Surprised, sad, and sobbing, Ashley tells Bentley that she pictured him at the end and he has her heart. In response, Bentley tells her, "You have mine, but I don't know if I'm ready to share my heart with you and my daughter." Ashley's buys his story and confesses that she doesn't know if she even wants to go on with the show because she felt so strongly for him.
But, the show must go on. Bentley leaves, which has me counting the days for the "Men Tell All" episode, and JP recieves the next one-on-one date. JP, who has yet to even be included on a group date, gets to enjoy another awkward evening with Ashley. Remember, in the last 24 hours Ashley's been roasted, dumped, and she still has those awful bangs. JP arrives at Ashley's mansion with a sweet grin and bouquet of flowers. Ashley opens the door in a rumpled shirt, messy hair, and red eyes. They sit on the living floor and eat oranges then she suggests they change into sweatpants and cuddle. For some reason JP agrees to this, and Ashley returns wearing an oversized sweatshirt, plaid pajama pants, slippers and glasses. She looked like me on a Monday night. All she lacked was a Lean Cuisine and an episode of..."The Bachelor." JP told her this was the perfect way to spend an evening and was offered the date rose.
Before the rose ceremony Ashley was a little emotional, so she had a sit-down with Poppa Harrison and decided to skip the evening's cocktail party and go straight for the roses. Returning next week are Ben C., JP, Ryan P, Constantine, West, Mickey, Ben F., Blake, Nick, Ames, Lucas, and William. Like I said, nothing but a bunch of Amercrmbie models and Josh Grobans...
Tune in next week where we'll find the brood of bachelors in Thailand. Looks like there will be lot of kissing and ocean frolicking...shocking!
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